Therapist Won't Condemn my Partner's Affair.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:The therapist is there to support you both in communicating your feelings to each other and helping you to address problems in your relationship. That is next to impossible if one of you believes, correctly or incorrectly, that the therapist is taking sides.

If you will not participate in therapy without the therapist being "on your side" and vocally condemning your partner's affair, you are not ready for therapy. An individual therapist may be in order before you are ready for couples work.

So if her husband beat her you would say it was OK for the therapist to not take sides?

+ 1 I’ve raised the same issue when I talked to my individual therapist about my marriage counselor refusing to condemn behavior. It’s what I don’t get about this profession. People want to act “above the fray” and non-judgmental but where’s the line????

An affair is not even remotely the same thing as beating someone. WTF is wrong with you that you would equate the two?

[Anonymous]

Let's be honest here. Your husband is a douchebag and needs to apologize IMMEDIATELY.

I would start with individual therapy. And then decide if you give your two-timing, double-dealing, lying, sneaking, pathetic husband another chance. I'd make him work for it. I'd make him work HARD for it. Honestly, you're better than this. And you don't need this jerk. But time will tell. And you don't need some snowflake therapist normalizing his dangerous and deceitful activity.

[Anonymous]

There's a whole lot of people commenting on and on here despite the OP not returning since the first post. Also, for those of you referring to a "husband" the OP did not indicate their own gender, their partner's gender, or whether they are married.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:The therapist is there to support you both in communicating your feelings to each other and helping you to address problems in your relationship. That is next to impossible if one of you believes, correctly or incorrectly, that the therapist is taking sides.

If you will not participate in therapy without the therapist being "on your side" and vocally condemning your partner's affair, you are not ready for therapy. An individual therapist may be in order before you are ready for couples work.

So if her husband beat her you would say it was OK for the therapist to not take sides?

+ 1 I’ve raised the same issue when I talked to my individual therapist about my marriage counselor refusing to condemn behavior. It’s what I don’t get about this profession. People want to act “above the fray” and non-judgmental but where’s the line????

An affair is not even remotely the same thing as beating someone. WTF is wrong with you that you would equate the two?

Actually 4 types of abuse in a marriage are physical, affair, alcoholism and drug abuse.

Yes. A therapist need to tell a client when they are sbusice and self destructive, not be impartial .. they are not a mediator. FFS

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Condemnation is for the clergy. Go to a priest.

in my first marriage, our secular couple’s therapist was really chill and neutral until he learned about my then-H’s years long, expensive emotional affair. He never used the word wrong, but he said damaging, breach of trust, gaslighting, and a number of other things that were pretty condemning. It temporarily helped us reconcile, but most of all, it helped me move on to divorce eventually.

Did your therapist say all of that in the first session?

No. We were in therapy for three months before I found evidence that could not be Pooh-poohed away by my now-ex. Prior to that, our therapist was really neutral and non-judgmental. He expressed that our biggest issue was miscommunication. When I show my evidence, I think he felt my then-H had also fooled him. It made it easier to get at the real meat of the problem which was lying and narcissism.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:The therapist is there to support you both in communicating your feelings to each other and helping you to address problems in your relationship. That is next to impossible if one of you believes, correctly or incorrectly, that the therapist is taking sides.

If you will not participate in therapy without the therapist being "on your side" and vocally condemning your partner's affair, you are not ready for therapy. An individual therapist may be in order before you are ready for couples work.

So if her husband beat her you would say it was OK for the therapist to not take sides?

+ 1 I’ve raised the same issue when I talked to my individual therapist about my marriage counselor refusing to condemn behavior. It’s what I don’t get about this profession. People want to act “above the fray” and non-judgmental but where’s the line????

An affair is not even remotely the same thing as beating someone. WTF is wrong with you that you would equate the two?

An affair, especially one that is more than a one-night stand, is a serious form of emotional abuse. Those affairs that last a significant time and involve slow-rolling unraveling of many lies with lack of remorse on the part of the perpetrator can cause complex post-traumatic stress. Affairs are not physical abuse, but they are emotional abuse and a betrayal of consensual terms of sex between monogamous partners. It’s definitely a form of sex abuse toward the victim partner.

I’ve been the victim of both physical abuse and emotional abuse and infidelity (not all in the same relationship). I think it’s impossible to say one is worse than the other. Physical abuse leaves its marks, but at least when a person hits you it’s clear that it’s wrong and people will help and support you. With emotional abuse it’s much more difficult to recognize that a line has been crossed. We are like frogs in a pot who don’t realize the water will get to boiling. No one wants to help you because they think it might be partially your fault or they can’t be involved in someone else’s marriage. There is no legal recourse or protection for verbal or emotional abuse. It leaves invisible scars that are hard to heal.

The analogy to domestic abuse is very apt - people blame infidelity victims for their abuse in the same way people used to blame domestic abuse victims for causing their husband’s violence/anger and in the same way we used to blame rape victims who wore short skirts or were friends with their perpetrators.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:The therapist is there to support you both in communicating your feelings to each other and helping you to address problems in your relationship. That is next to impossible if one of you believes, correctly or incorrectly, that the therapist is taking sides.

If you will not participate in therapy without the therapist being "on your side" and vocally condemning your partner's affair, you are not ready for therapy. An individual therapist may be in order before you are ready for couples work.

So if her husband beat her you would say it was OK for the therapist to not take sides?

+ 1 I’ve raised the same issue when I talked to my individual therapist about my marriage counselor refusing to condemn behavior. It’s what I don’t get about this profession. People want to act “above the fray” and non-judgmental but where’s the line????

An affair is not even remotely the same thing as beating someone. WTF is wrong with you that you would equate the two?

An affair, especially one that is more than a one-night stand, is a serious form of emotional abuse. Those affairs that last a significant time and involve slow-rolling unraveling of many lies with lack of remorse on the part of the perpetrator can cause complex post-traumatic stress. Affairs are not physical abuse, but they are emotional abuse and a betrayal of consensual terms of sex between monogamous partners. It’s definitely a form of sex abuse toward the victim partner.

I’ve been the victim of both physical abuse and emotional abuse and infidelity (not all in the same relationship). I think it’s impossible to say one is worse than the other. Physical abuse leaves its marks, but at least when a person hits you it’s clear that it’s wrong and people will help and support you. With emotional abuse it’s much more difficult to recognize that a line has been crossed. We are like frogs in a pot who don’t realize the water will get to boiling. No one wants to help you because they think it might be partially your fault or they can’t be involved in someone else’s marriage. There is no legal recourse or protection for verbal or emotional abuse. It leaves invisible scars that are hard to heal.

The analogy to domestic abuse is very apt - people blame infidelity victims for their abuse in the same way people used to blame domestic abuse victims for causing their husband’s violence/anger and in the same way we used to blame rape victims who wore short skirts or were friends with their perpetrators.

No, in this context they are not comparable. If a therapist finds out that one partner is physically abusing the other, the therapist's focus has to be on making sure the abused partner is physically safe, to avoid things like severe physical injury and death. After that, typically its recommended that the partners engage in individual counseling rather than/before pursuing couples counseling, again, to protect the victim's physical safety.

The same dynamic is not in play with an affair.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:The therapist is there to support you both in communicating your feelings to each other and helping you to address problems in your relationship. That is next to impossible if one of you believes, correctly or incorrectly, that the therapist is taking sides.

If you will not participate in therapy without the therapist being "on your side" and vocally condemning your partner's affair, you are not ready for therapy. An individual therapist may be in order before you are ready for couples work.

So if her husband beat her you would say it was OK for the therapist to not take sides?

+ 1 I’ve raised the same issue when I talked to my individual therapist about my marriage counselor refusing to condemn behavior. It’s what I don’t get about this profession. People want to act “above the fray” and non-judgmental but where’s the line????

An affair is not even remotely the same thing as beating someone. WTF is wrong with you that you would equate the two?

An affair, especially one that is more than a one-night stand, is a serious form of emotional abuse. Those affairs that last a significant time and involve slow-rolling unraveling of many lies with lack of remorse on the part of the perpetrator can cause complex post-traumatic stress. Affairs are not physical abuse, but they are emotional abuse and a betrayal of consensual terms of sex between monogamous partners. It’s definitely a form of sex abuse toward the victim partner.

I’ve been the victim of both physical abuse and emotional abuse and infidelity (not all in the same relationship). I think it’s impossible to say one is worse than the other. Physical abuse leaves its marks, but at least when a person hits you it’s clear that it’s wrong and people will help and support you. With emotional abuse it’s much more difficult to recognize that a line has been crossed. We are like frogs in a pot who don’t realize the water will get to boiling. No one wants to help you because they think it might be partially your fault or they can’t be involved in someone else’s marriage. There is no legal recourse or protection for verbal or emotional abuse. It leaves invisible scars that are hard to heal.

The analogy to domestic abuse is very apt - people blame infidelity victims for their abuse in the same way people used to blame domestic abuse victims for causing their husband’s violence/anger and in the same way we used to blame rape victims who wore short skirts or were friends with their perpetrators.

No, in this context they are not comparable. If a therapist finds out that one partner is physically abusing the other, the therapist's focus has to be on making sure the abused partner is physically safe, to avoid things like severe physical injury and death. After that, typically its recommended that the partners engage in individual counseling rather than/before pursuing couples counseling, again, to protect the victim's physical safety.

The same dynamic is not in play with an affair.

You are incorrect about how therapists treat affairs.

My sister and her DH were allegedly reconciling after his affair. When my sister discovered that it was ongoing, their couple’s therapist immediately fired them. She said that the DH had lied throughout therapy and that she could thus not continue treating them. She also told me sister that she couldn’t work with an active abuser like the DH.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I can't do therapy until all parties stipulate that the affair was wrong.

Am I nuts?

Nope. Find a new therapist.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:The therapist is there to support you both in communicating your feelings to each other and helping you to address problems in your relationship. That is next to impossible if one of you believes, correctly or incorrectly, that the therapist is taking sides.

If you will not participate in therapy without the therapist being "on your side" and vocally condemning your partner's affair, you are not ready for therapy. An individual therapist may be in order before you are ready for couples work.

So if her husband beat her you would say it was OK for the therapist to not take sides?

+ 1 I’ve raised the same issue when I talked to my individual therapist about my marriage counselor refusing to condemn behavior. It’s what I don’t get about this profession. People want to act “above the fray” and non-judgmental but where’s the line????

An affair is not even remotely the same thing as beating someone. WTF is wrong with you that you would equate the two?

An affair, especially one that is more than a one-night stand, is a serious form of emotional abuse. Those affairs that last a significant time and involve slow-rolling unraveling of many lies with lack of remorse on the part of the perpetrator can cause complex post-traumatic stress. Affairs are not physical abuse, but they are emotional abuse and a betrayal of consensual terms of sex between monogamous partners. It’s definitely a form of sex abuse toward the victim partner.

I’ve been the victim of both physical abuse and emotional abuse and infidelity (not all in the same relationship). I think it’s impossible to say one is worse than the other. Physical abuse leaves its marks, but at least when a person hits you it’s clear that it’s wrong and people will help and support you. With emotional abuse it’s much more difficult to recognize that a line has been crossed. We are like frogs in a pot who don’t realize the water will get to boiling. No one wants to help you because they think it might be partially your fault or they can’t be involved in someone else’s marriage. There is no legal recourse or protection for verbal or emotional abuse. It leaves invisible scars that are hard to heal.

The analogy to domestic abuse is very apt - people blame infidelity victims for their abuse in the same way people used to blame domestic abuse victims for causing their husband’s violence/anger and in the same way we used to blame rape victims who wore short skirts or were friends with their perpetrators.

No, in this context they are not comparable. If a therapist finds out that one partner is physically abusing the other, the therapist's focus has to be on making sure the abused partner is physically safe, to avoid things like severe physical injury and death. After that, typically its recommended that the partners engage in individual counseling rather than/before pursuing couples counseling, again, to protect the victim's physical safety.

The same dynamic is not in play with an affair.

You are incorrect about how therapists treat affairs.

My sister and her DH were allegedly reconciling after his affair. When my sister discovered that it was ongoing, their couple’s therapist immediately fired them. She said that the DH had lied throughout therapy and that she could thus not continue treating them. She also told me sister that she couldn’t work with an active abuser like the DH.

Totally different from this scenario, where the couple came to therapy because of the affair. You are talking about a case where one partner actively lied to the therapist throughout therapy, which is a hard no.

Also, unless you were in the room when this happened, you don’t actually know what the therapist said.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I recommend reading The State of Affairs by well-respected couples' therapist Esther Perel.

OP, it is so hurtful when a spouse goes outside the marriage to meet needs, and breaks vows.

But the reasons for an affair are complex and you're not going to find peace looking to blame him alone. If he's simply a bad person, leave him. If he's not, share in discovering why he did what he did and what responsibility you bear for what wasn't right in the relationship.

Wait, having an affair is a choice/decision that was made by one person in that relationship. Why the person choose to handle their internal issues and/or relationship issues that way is on that person alone. People in all situations and relationships (not just romantic) will frustrate you because we are all imperfect and more times than not struggle in how to communicate with people that aren’t just like us in temperament/experiences. That doesn’t give you the right/justification to make poor choices in how to handle it or not have consequences.

The part about improving how you communicate with each other and self-awareness of both your actions and how they impact your partner are things that are needed regardless of an affair. It just plays even more of a center stage when you add in deep hurt, potentially guilt and forgiveness. So yes, OP has responsibilities for what wasn’t right in the relationship but that would be true even if her partner didn’t have an affair. I agree it’s not the marriage counselors job to pass judgment. In general it’s about getting people to their own realizations and giving them the tools to change behaviors/patterns. I am curious why the partner is going to marriage counseling if they don’t think what they did was wrong?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:BTW, depending on how you saw the texts, they are probably not admissible in court and you could be at risk for criminal wiretapping charges.

There is no need to prove an affair in court.

That’s not true in many instances. In some states, it would be a grounds for skipping any applicable waiting periods. In some states, it could impact division of assets or custody. In those cases, you would need to prove the affair occurred to have those provision applied.

The criminal wiretap claim is ridiculous unless OP took extremely odd means to read the texts. A CFAA charge is slightly more plausible, but even that wouldn’t apply in the vast majority of circumstances where a spouse reads a text.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:The therapist is there to support you both in communicating your feelings to each other and helping you to address problems in your relationship. That is next to impossible if one of you believes, correctly or incorrectly, that the therapist is taking sides.

If you will not participate in therapy without the therapist being "on your side" and vocally condemning your partner's affair, you are not ready for therapy. An individual therapist may be in order before you are ready for couples work.

So if her husband beat her you would say it was OK for the therapist to not take sides?

+ 1 I’ve raised the same issue when I talked to my individual therapist about my marriage counselor refusing to condemn behavior. It’s what I don’t get about this profession. People want to act “above the fray” and non-judgmental but where’s the line????

An affair is not even remotely the same thing as beating someone. WTF is wrong with you that you would equate the two?

An affair, especially one that is more than a one-night stand, is a serious form of emotional abuse. Those affairs that last a significant time and involve slow-rolling unraveling of many lies with lack of remorse on the part of the perpetrator can cause complex post-traumatic stress. Affairs are not physical abuse, but they are emotional abuse and a betrayal of consensual terms of sex between monogamous partners. It’s definitely a form of sex abuse toward the victim partner.

I’ve been the victim of both physical abuse and emotional abuse and infidelity (not all in the same relationship). I think it’s impossible to say one is worse than the other. Physical abuse leaves its marks, but at least when a person hits you it’s clear that it’s wrong and people will help and support you. With emotional abuse it’s much more difficult to recognize that a line has been crossed. We are like frogs in a pot who don’t realize the water will get to boiling. No one wants to help you because they think it might be partially your fault or they can’t be involved in someone else’s marriage. There is no legal recourse or protection for verbal or emotional abuse. It leaves invisible scars that are hard to heal.

The analogy to domestic abuse is very apt - people blame infidelity victims for their abuse in the same way people used to blame domestic abuse victims for causing their husband’s violence/anger and in the same way we used to blame rape victims who wore short skirts or were friends with their perpetrators.

No, in this context they are not comparable. If a therapist finds out that one partner is physically abusing the other, the therapist's focus has to be on making sure the abused partner is physically safe, to avoid things like severe physical injury and death. After that, typically its recommended that the partners engage in individual counseling rather than/before pursuing couples counseling, again, to protect the victim's physical safety.

The same dynamic is not in play with an affair.

You are incorrect about how therapists treat affairs.

My sister and her DH were allegedly reconciling after his affair. When my sister discovered that it was ongoing, their couple’s therapist immediately fired them. She said that the DH had lied throughout therapy and that she could thus not continue treating them. She also told me sister that she couldn’t work with an active abuser like the DH.

Totally different from this scenario, where the couple came to therapy because of the affair. You are talking about a case where one partner actively lied to the therapist throughout therapy, which is a hard no.

Also, unless you were in the room when this happened, you don’t actually know what the therapist said.

It’s not different because 0P said her husband is lying. In addition, his responsibility of a therapist to recognize and call out when somebody is being emotionally abuse to ensure their emotional safety.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:The therapist is there to support you both in communicating your feelings to each other and helping you to address problems in your relationship. That is next to impossible if one of you believes, correctly or incorrectly, that the therapist is taking sides.

If you will not participate in therapy without the therapist being "on your side" and vocally condemning your partner's affair, you are not ready for therapy. An individual therapist may be in order before you are ready for couples work.

So if her husband beat her you would say it was OK for the therapist to not take sides?

+ 1 I’ve raised the same issue when I talked to my individual therapist about my marriage counselor refusing to condemn behavior. It’s what I don’t get about this profession. People want to act “above the fray” and non-judgmental but where’s the line????

An affair is not even remotely the same thing as beating someone. WTF is wrong with you that you would equate the two?

An affair, especially one that is more than a one-night stand, is a serious form of emotional abuse. Those affairs that last a significant time and involve slow-rolling unraveling of many lies with lack of remorse on the part of the perpetrator can cause complex post-traumatic stress. Affairs are not physical abuse, but they are emotional abuse and a betrayal of consensual terms of sex between monogamous partners. It’s definitely a form of sex abuse toward the victim partner.

I’ve been the victim of both physical abuse and emotional abuse and infidelity (not all in the same relationship). I think it’s impossible to say one is worse than the other. Physical abuse leaves its marks, but at least when a person hits you it’s clear that it’s wrong and people will help and support you. With emotional abuse it’s much more difficult to recognize that a line has been crossed. We are like frogs in a pot who don’t realize the water will get to boiling. No one wants to help you because they think it might be partially your fault or they can’t be involved in someone else’s marriage. There is no legal recourse or protection for verbal or emotional abuse. It leaves invisible scars that are hard to heal.

The analogy to domestic abuse is very apt - people blame infidelity victims for their abuse in the same way people used to blame domestic abuse victims for causing their husband’s violence/anger and in the same way we used to blame rape victims who wore short skirts or were friends with their perpetrators.

No, in this context they are not comparable. If a therapist finds out that one partner is physically abusing the other, the therapist's focus has to be on making sure the abused partner is physically safe, to avoid things like severe physical injury and death. After that, typically its recommended that the partners engage in individual counseling rather than/before pursuing couples counseling, again, to protect the victim's physical safety.

The same dynamic is not in play with an affair.

You are incorrect about how therapists treat affairs.

My sister and her DH were allegedly reconciling after his affair. When my sister discovered that it was ongoing, their couple’s therapist immediately fired them. She said that the DH had lied throughout therapy and that she could thus not continue treating them. She also told me sister that she couldn’t work with an active abuser like the DH.

Totally different from this scenario, where the couple came to therapy because of the affair. You are talking about a case where one partner actively lied to the therapist throughout therapy, which is a hard no.

Also, unless you were in the room when this happened, you don’t actually know what the therapist said.

It’s not different because 0P said her husband is lying. In addition, his responsibility of a therapist to recognize and call out when somebody is being emotionally abuse to ensure their emotional safety.

Where did OP say her partner is lying about the affair in therapy?

[Anonymous]

What does it matter! You need to hear “this was wrong, I am sorry” from your partner. If you hear it from your therapist and it softens your guard and moves you closer to forgiveness, then it will have come from the wrong source. Your therapist is HELPING you.