Therapist Won't Condemn my Partner's Affair.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I am a therapist.

I know of zero couples therapists who will work with a couple where one partner is actively physically or sexually abusing the other. Emotional abuse is treated differently because while it is a terrible way to treat another person and very damaging in many ways, as a PP said, there are fewer actual safety risks and it is not actually a crime. Most of the people I know who work with couples see a lot of infidelity. Couples therapy demands that both partners be committed to the process of reconciling/improving the relationship/however it is defined. If one person is still actively cheating, they are demonstrably not committed in that way and it is difficult to counsel _the couple_ on how to move forward. The one time this has happened in my practice, I terminated the relationship with both partners, explaining very clearly that active infidelity, to me, is as counter to the couples therapy process as active physical abuse. I then referred them both for individual therapy with people I knew who had openings and let them know that had openings and also let them know that if partner 1 ended the affair and wanted to recommit to therapy with partner 2, I would be happy to see them again. They came back about 6 months later but ended up divorcing anyway.

So the question to you is what would you do where one spouse isn’t actually apologizing or feeling regretful of cheating? Would you do what OP’s therapist did?

I am also a therapist but not the one who answered originally. I concur with her/his statement.

I would not give an opinion on whether cheating is wrong, we truly are not there to pass judgement. Also it would alienate the other party, you can't feel alienated and be open to therapy. But I would be direct and tell the couple that the chances counseling will be successful is pretty much zero if the cheater isn't remorseful and willing to do anything and everything to save the marriage. The first move has to come from the person who strayed. I would be reluctantant to work with them for this reason.

I’m the original therapist.

I think for me, the most important thing about OP’s post is that this occurred in the first session. So yes, I would feel like I was not in a position to pass judgment. I only just met you guys! I need to get to know the couple a little better (I’d say it takes me more like 2-3 sessions to have a good grip on the dynamic but it depends on the couple). However, it should be that during the initial sessions, the therapist is building rapport with both partners. That didn’t happen effectively at OP’s therapy session. I’d like to think that I don’t step in it the way it sounds like happened for OP, but it’s also hard because if OP is wanting the therapist to join with her in indignation and betrayal, that’s just not the therapist’s role.

“My father’s words hurt even worse than the hitting, because words lasted long after the marks faded. They lasted forever.” (from Estranged, by Jessica Berger Gross)

This quote - from a physical and emotional abuse survivor - illustrates how emotional abuse cannot be subordinated to physical abuse. They are both devastating and both carry lifelong negative impacts.

You two therapists need to deeply reconsider your working methodology. There are many abuses that once were either not a crime, a crime but not prosecuted or even legally sanctioned by society - date rape, marital rape, domestic violence, etc. Your job as a therapist is to recognize abuse wherever it occurs and help victims of abuse protect themselves and become empowered. If you are not doing this because the abuse is “not a crime” then you are at best a bystander, who by virtue of diminishing the emotional abuse is allaying with and serving the perpetrator and your “therapy” creates additional trauma by presenting to the victim what should be a place of healing and safety but instead is a way for the perpetrator to continue to abuse under your eye.

This x 100. I'm a therapist too and I agree with what this poster is saying.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP here. I wanted to sit back and watch this unfold. I'm a man. My wife was screwing her colleague. She would never have stopped. I found out by accident (several actually)

I had considered trying fixing things but I couldn't move past the fact that she actually didn't care that she was caught and destroyed our family. The only way this ended o its own was through fizzling out or moving. And that's the part that grossed me out the most. She was fine to play wife and family while the rest of us werent playing at all. We thought we were living real lives.

"And that's the part that grossed me out the most. She was fine to play wife and family while the rest of us werent playing at all. We thought we were living real lives." So very true

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP here. I wanted to sit back and watch this unfold. I'm a man. My wife was screwing her colleague. She would never have stopped. I found out by accident (several actually)

I had considered trying fixing things but I couldn't move past the fact that she actually didn't care that she was caught and destroyed our family. The only way this ended o its own was through fizzling out or moving. And that's the part that grossed me out the most. She was fine to play wife and family while the rest of us werent playing at all. We thought we were living real lives.

"And that's the part that grossed me out the most. She was fine to play wife and family while the rest of us werent playing at all. We thought we were living real lives." So very true

Are you still together, OP?

The impact on kids, especially if they are made to play happy families with a succession of new adults (and possibly other kids) on holidays, is huge.

OP, I am sorry you had that experience, many of us here can relate. It takes years before you can trust your instincts again, even if the relationship ends. The feeling of betrayal and not being able to trust your reality is so hurtful.

[Anonymous]

OP again. No, not together. Separated in December. Kids are 12, 9, 7. We've just been shoveling them bs like sometimes mommy and daddy need breaks. I can't tell you how much restraint it takes to not tell them that their mom is a liar and a pos and thats why their family was smashed into pieces.

[Anonymous]

So the whole part about the therapist was a lie?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:So the whole part about the therapist was a lie?

No?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:So the whole part about the therapist was a lie?

No?

So when did OP start therapy if they separated in December?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I can't do therapy until all parties stipulate that the affair was wrong.

Am I nuts?

If you are separated, why are you going into couples counseling?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP again. No, not together. Separated in December. Kids are 12, 9, 7. We've just been shoveling them bs like sometimes mommy and daddy need breaks. I can't tell you how much restraint it takes to not tell them that their mom is a liar and a pos and thats why their family was smashed into pieces.

FWIW, I settled on telling kids that people who live together have to agree on rules for living together - how to spend money, how to spend time, where to live, who to be friends with, etc. Mom and Dad disagreed so we tried to get another adult to help is make an agreement but that didn’t work, so we are going to live in different houses and share time with them (insert exactly how here).

Since DH was cheating with a succession of women and basically unable to stop, this felt like the most honest approach without spilling inappropriate info to kids.

For 15 years, I kept quiet about the cheating. TBH, in the long run I’m not sure that was really for the best - secrets distort relationships. My kids are teens now, and I think that they have understood a lot of their Dad’s behavior as a lack of love for them rather than a reflection of his own deep characters.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I can't do therapy until all parties stipulate that the affair was wrong.

Am I nuts?

If you are separated, why are you going into couples counseling?

Now that the OP is a man, this thread will die. It’s already starting to have people call him a liar, next it’ll be his fault.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP here. I wanted to sit back and watch this unfold. I'm a man. My wife was screwing her colleague. She would never have stopped. I found out by accident (several actually)

I had considered trying fixing things but I couldn't move past the fact that she actually didn't care that she was caught and destroyed our family. The only way this ended o its own was through fizzling out or moving. And that's the part that grossed me out the most. She was fine to play wife and family while the rest of us werent playing at all. We thought we were living real lives.

OP. Having been where your wife is ... is there resentment? Is she angry at you for some reason? Is she hurting? Not excusing her, just asking the questions. It sounds as if she was using her affair to get out of the marriage.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP here. I wanted to sit back and watch this unfold. I'm a man. My wife was screwing her colleague. She would never have stopped. I found out by accident (several actually)

I had considered trying fixing things but I couldn't move past the fact that she actually didn't care that she was caught and destroyed our family. The only way this ended o its own was through fizzling out or moving. And that's the part that grossed me out the most. She was fine to play wife and family while the rest of us werent playing at all. We thought we were living real lives.

OP. Having been where your wife is ... is there resentment? Is she angry at you for some reason? Is she hurting? Not excusing her, just asking the questions. It sounds as if she was using her affair to get out of the marriage.

Would you ask a woman with a cheating husband the same things? I mean does anyone ask a cheating husband if he's angry or hurtin'?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP here. I wanted to sit back and watch this unfold. I'm a man. My wife was screwing her colleague. She would never have stopped. I found out by accident (several actually)

I had considered trying fixing things but I couldn't move past the fact that she actually didn't care that she was caught and destroyed our family. The only way this ended o its own was through fizzling out or moving. And that's the part that grossed me out the most. She was fine to play wife and family while the rest of us werent playing at all. We thought we were living real lives.

OP. Having been where your wife is ... is there resentment? Is she angry at you for some reason? Is she hurting? Not excusing her, just asking the questions. It sounds as if she was using her affair to get out of the marriage.

LMAO. People that cheat need to find people that share their same logical process. Just find another horrible person and settle down and keep the rest out of it. Just tell the other person that you have had issues with cheating before they make a commitment.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP here. I wanted to sit back and watch this unfold. I'm a man. My wife was screwing her colleague. She would never have stopped. I found out by accident (several actually)

I had considered trying fixing things but I couldn't move past the fact that she actually didn't care that she was caught and destroyed our family. The only way this ended o its own was through fizzling out or moving. And that's the part that grossed me out the most. She was fine to play wife and family while the rest of us werent playing at all. We thought we were living real lives.

OP. Having been where your wife is ... is there resentment? Is she angry at you for some reason? Is she hurting? Not excusing her, just asking the questions. It sounds as if she was using her affair to get out of the marriage.

Like clockwork. PP predicted this and here it is.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP here. I wanted to sit back and watch this unfold. I'm a man. My wife was screwing her colleague. She would never have stopped. I found out by accident (several actually)

I had considered trying fixing things but I couldn't move past the fact that she actually didn't care that she was caught and destroyed our family. The only way this ended o its own was through fizzling out or moving. And that's the part that grossed me out the most. She was fine to play wife and family while the rest of us werent playing at all. We thought we were living real lives.

OP. Having been where your wife is ... is there resentment? Is she angry at you for some reason? Is she hurting? Not excusing her, just asking the questions. It sounds as if she was using her affair to get out of the marriage.

Like clockwork. PP predicted this and here it is.

It's pretty crazy how quickly people are trying to turn the tables on the OP. Wow!