Therapist Won't Condemn my Partner's Affair.

[Anonymous]

I can't do therapy until all parties stipulate that the affair was wrong.

Am I nuts?

[Anonymous]

What?

[Anonymous]

It may not be wrong. Besides, what is right and wrong?

[Anonymous]

Is this individual therapy or couples therapy?

My guess is therapist is saying one thing and you are hearing another.

[Anonymous]

I think we need more context here, but as a general matter, a therapist’s place isn’t to pass judgment on their clients or decide who’s “right” and”wrong,” but instead to help their clients work on the personal and interpersonal issues that are negatively affecting their lives and relationships. A client who feels judged right off the bat is less likely to open up.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I can't do therapy until all parties stipulate that the affair was wrong.

Am I nuts?

This would make you feel vindicated, but it might close your partner down if s/he now thinks the therapist is on your side. Consider that what you want in the moment may not be the best thing in the big picture. In the end, it doesn't really matter whether your therapist believes it was wrong; what matters is how your partner views their actions and what steps both of you will take to try to heal the relationship, if that is what you both want to do.

[Anonymous]

Sorry if I wasn't clear. My partner had an affair. I only discovered because I saw their texts. We decided to try counseling. Partner has yet to apologize or admit they were wrong.

On first visit, the therapist said they were not in a position to make judgement on whether the affair was wrong.

I need there to be an admission and recognition of wrongdoing in order to proceed toward forgiveness.

I was raised that you apologize when you're wrong.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Sorry if I wasn't clear. My partner had an affair. I only discovered because I saw their texts. We decided to try counseling. Partner has yet to apologize or admit they were wrong.

On first visit, the therapist said they were not in a position to make judgement on whether the affair was wrong.

I need there to be an admission and recognition of wrongdoing in order to proceed toward forgiveness.

I was raised that you apologize when you're wrong.

You may ultimately get that apology from your husband (more likely you will not), but your therapist is right and if a condition for your active participation in therapy is for the therapist to take your side, therapy isn't going to work for you.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Sorry if I wasn't clear. My partner had an affair. I only discovered because I saw their texts. We decided to try counseling. Partner has yet to apologize or admit they were wrong.

On first visit, the therapist said they were not in a position to make judgement on whether the affair was wrong.

I need there to be an admission and recognition of wrongdoing in order to proceed toward forgiveness.

I was raised that you apologize when you're wrong.

The therapist did the right thing. Your problem is with your partner, not the therapist.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Sorry if I wasn't clear. My partner had an affair. I only discovered because I saw their texts. We decided to try counseling. Partner has yet to apologize or admit they were wrong.

On first visit, the therapist said they were not in a position to make judgement on whether the affair was wrong.

I need there to be an admission and recognition of wrongdoing in order to proceed toward forgiveness.

I was raised that you apologize when you're wrong.

Are you saying that your partner must admit and recognize wrongdoing? Because that is part of the purpose of the therapy. You are putting the cart before the horse. And, most likely, your partner feels that there are things for which you must apologize, admit and recognize as wrongdoing also.

Or are you saying the therapist must recognize the wrongdoing for you to proceed? Because that is what your title says, but it seems to be focused on the wrong person.

Maybe you should try individual counseling first. It is not wrong, by the way, to decide that you will not forgive. Or, to forgive, but not stay in the relationship.

[Anonymous]

Therapists don’t “condemn” behavior. That’s not their job.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Sorry if I wasn't clear. My partner had an affair. I only discovered because I saw their texts. We decided to try counseling. Partner has yet to apologize or admit they were wrong.

On first visit, the therapist said they were not in a position to make judgement on whether the affair was wrong.

I need there to be an admission and recognition of wrongdoing in order to proceed toward forgiveness.

I was raised that you apologize when you're wrong.

If you are going to not pursue therapy until you hear those words, "im sorry", then Yes you are nuts and really need the therapy that you are preventing yourself from getting.

yes it would be nice to hear your partner say "im sorry" But don't count on it.

You have to ask your self "is this the hill I want to die on". if you need the therapy to get by this affair, and you need to have the apology, to get therapy... you're going to die on the this hill...

good luck...

[Anonymous]

Condemnation is for the clergy. Go to a priest.

[Anonymous]

BTW, depending on how you saw the texts, they are probably not admissible in court and you could be at risk for criminal wiretapping charges.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Therapists don’t “condemn” behavior. That’s not their job.

This is true.

But, OP, I sympathize, and I went through something similar with DH and therapy. The therapist is making sure she doesn’t “choose sides” and she’s teaching you both to work this out on your own (with her guidance).

In my case I did, after many months, get the admission that what DH did was wrong, and it felt far far more genuine and healing than if the therapist had just asserted from the beginning that his behavior was wrong.