Picky eaters at friends houses

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Every time we are at my mom's house, my mom will cook, and my SIL says "I made mac and cheese for the kids" or "Let's heat up a pizza for the kids." I'm like - JUST STOP - this is why your 8 year old eats five things (buttered noodles, PBJ, pizza, grilled cheese, and McDonalds nuggets).

exactly!!!

[Anonymous]

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Anonymous wrote:My kids are teens and would not eat a mushroom/vegetable casserole. Or any casserole. I can't believe your friend served that and was mad that the kids didn't want to eat it. Of course the kids didn't want to eat it!

Then the issue is with your teens, not the friend who served it. It's not like that is a different "ethnic" food with "weird" spices.

My teens would eat some of that casserole because we taught them to eat a variety of foods from early on and that you eat what you are served.

Barring any SN and spicy food, kids should eat a bit of what they are served. I don't like certain foods, either, but I will certainly eat a bit of something at a dinner, and so will my kids.

In that case, my kids would eat salad. They would take a small bit and have a tiny bite to be polite but I honestly don't even know people who eat casseroles. It is a style of cooking that was in vogue in the 60s with a bunch of cream of mushroom soup cans of stuff.

I like casseroles but I would say that they actually are weird now. Sort of like how tomato aspic was ubiquitous and now it is a novelty.

That dish is an unusual one to serve at a dinner party, but that's the thing, you never what kind of food is going to be available where you are so you teach your kids to eat what's available.

We travel to foreign countries, and many of restaurants in those countries don't have a kid menu or what Americans would consider "kid friendly" food.

That is great. I have a kid who won't eat most "kid foods." Aversions to foods to come in all shapes and sizes. What I am saying is that you can't "teach" away a food aversion. You got lucky with your kids, and I got lucky with one of mine. Thank heavens I have the other kid who humbles us.

Oh, no, my one kid still has some food aversions, but we push through it. We are blessed to have somewhat healthy children (they have other health issues), but I don't doubt that many parents cater to their children's pickiness because it's just easier. Believe me, there were times I would just give in, too. But, if we did that all the time, then their pickiness would turn into full blown aversion.

You are still aren't getting it. It isn't your fantastic parenting that is the difference here. Most people with kids who are picky eaters and with aversions push their kids. They don't just "cater to their children's pickiness because it's just easier" - because it isn't easier!

Disagree. I see some cater to their pickiness. Catering to their pickiness is easier than fighting battles. Like I said, I've given in on occasion rather than fight it because it was easier.

But when we go to other people's home, they have to eat something that is offered. That's a deal breaker.

Still not getting it. Most people with kids with extreme food aversions would much prefer that their kids ate a lot more foods. It is incredibly difficult to accommodate extreme food aversions and pickiness day in and day out. You have two kids who are good with it. Most people in that situation don't get it and it is clear you don't get it. It isn't your parenting. You just hit the lottery. How do you think I know this???

You aren't getting it. Yes, it would be easier if their kids weren't so picky but the battle to get them to over come that pickiness is harder than just giving into the pickiness. That's the "harder" part I'm referring to -- the battle to get them to overcome it.

+1. Agree. PP whose kid will eat anything, you are incredibly dense. Do you sit around tell people with kids with ADHD they need to teach them to pay attention? Or parents of kids with autism that they just need to teach their kid social skills? Like they haven't tried that already?

You're not following the thread very well. I stated "barring SN". ADHD is considered SN, no?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:If I know there are kids coming over that are picky, I make sure to have something they will eat. To me, its the same as accommodating anyone with food preferences. As a host, I think it's my responsibility to have food people will eat.

We tend to always have a mild option for the kids. But if a kid is coming that is going to want buttered noodles, I will have them ready. And if DS asks if he can have the buttered noodles instead of what else was made, it won't kill him to have the buttered noodles.

When I host, I too, try to make something I think the kids can eat, but not kiddie food. Parents who keep pushing the "kiddie food" to all these kids (again, barring SN) aren't helping.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I agree with the letter that was linked - which says that kids should be taught to eat food at other people's houses without having to bring "their own food." And, further, evidently this person who wrote the letter actually has friends who not only bring their own food BUT ASK TO HAVE IT MADE by the host!

Now, having said the above, I am imagining a school-age child - kindergarten or older - without any special needs (and food aversions ARE special needs) or food allergies or intolerances that impact food. I wish the letter writer was clear about the AGES of the children.

Because I'd have no problem with a family bringing food "backup/emergency whatever" for a child who is 5 or younger - I would STILL expect the family to speak with the preschooler and help them to be polite and NOT say oh, yuck, this is disgusting." Of course, this is a PROCESS but I would expect the parents to remind the child on the drive over, then 10 minutes before the meal is served, I'd take the child into the bathroom to go to the bathroom and wash hands before dinner AND remind them of what they will say, including practicing the phrase you want them to say, if they don't think they'll like it. AND I'd remind them that everyone takes a tiny trying bite before they announce they don't like it, because who knows? Maybe the host makes broccoli better than I do and you WILL like their broccoli!

AND if my friends had a child who had a food aversion or needed special food, I'd teach my children that the other child will eat what they bring, my kids will eat what I served, and the POINT OF THE MEAL is to have fun and eat together! Not to get what everyone else is eating. And that would be a process for my children to learn, and that's ok with me.

I have 4 kids. I think forcing a very picky eater child to take a "tiny trying bite" of food is pretty abusive. One of mine would vomit at the smell of certain foods (including broccoli). The point of a family dinner party is to get together with friends. If everyone is happy and fed and enjoying themselves, who cares if two of the kids ate buttered noodles or a PBandJ from home?

[Anonymous]

I had a picky toddler who became a picky child who became a picky teen. He is now 15 and still only eats about 8 foods. I am glad we didn't start catering to him when he was young or else it would have been 15 years of bringing special foods and cooking separate meals. He is still alive and thriving so those meals at friends or family where he just picked a nothing didn't harm him.

I could probably count on one hand the number of times he has eaten dinner with us in his life. He joins us at the table but doesn't eat the food.

[Anonymous]

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Anonymous wrote:My kids are teens and would not eat a mushroom/vegetable casserole. Or any casserole. I can't believe your friend served that and was mad that the kids didn't want to eat it. Of course the kids didn't want to eat it!

Then the issue is with your teens, not the friend who served it. It's not like that is a different "ethnic" food with "weird" spices.

My teens would eat some of that casserole because we taught them to eat a variety of foods from early on and that you eat what you are served.

Barring any SN and spicy food, kids should eat a bit of what they are served. I don't like certain foods, either, but I will certainly eat a bit of something at a dinner, and so will my kids.

In that case, my kids would eat salad. They would take a small bit and have a tiny bite to be polite but I honestly don't even know people who eat casseroles. It is a style of cooking that was in vogue in the 60s with a bunch of cream of mushroom soup cans of stuff.

I like casseroles but I would say that they actually are weird now. Sort of like how tomato aspic was ubiquitous and now it is a novelty.

That dish is an unusual one to serve at a dinner party, but that's the thing, you never what kind of food is going to be available where you are so you teach your kids to eat what's available.

We travel to foreign countries, and many of restaurants in those countries don't have a kid menu or what Americans would consider "kid friendly" food.

That is great. I have a kid who won't eat most "kid foods." Aversions to foods to come in all shapes and sizes. What I am saying is that you can't "teach" away a food aversion. You got lucky with your kids, and I got lucky with one of mine. Thank heavens I have the other kid who humbles us.

Oh, no, my one kid still has some food aversions, but we push through it. We are blessed to have somewhat healthy children (they have other health issues), but I don't doubt that many parents cater to their children's pickiness because it's just easier. Believe me, there were times I would just give in, too. But, if we did that all the time, then their pickiness would turn into full blown aversion.

You are still aren't getting it. It isn't your fantastic parenting that is the difference here. Most people with kids who are picky eaters and with aversions push their kids. They don't just "cater to their children's pickiness because it's just easier" - because it isn't easier!

Disagree. I see some cater to their pickiness. Catering to their pickiness is easier than fighting battles. Like I said, I've given in on occasion rather than fight it because it was easier.

But when we go to other people's home, they have to eat something that is offered. That's a deal breaker.

Still not getting it. Most people with kids with extreme food aversions would much prefer that their kids ate a lot more foods. It is incredibly difficult to accommodate extreme food aversions and pickiness day in and day out. You have two kids who are good with it. Most people in that situation don't get it and it is clear you don't get it. It isn't your parenting. You just hit the lottery. How do you think I know this???

You aren't getting it. Yes, it would be easier if their kids weren't so picky but the battle to get them to over come that pickiness is harder than just giving into the pickiness. That's the "harder" part I'm referring to -- the battle to get them to overcome it.

No. And what a low opinion you have other other parents. Kids are not all the same. It isn't like if you had raised my youngest, he would eat the way your other kids do.

Do parents put pressure on their kids in public social situations so that other parents (ahem) can see that they are trying? No. Most don't do that. You are sitting there thinking the "battle" to get them to overcome it is more work than the difficulty (and judgements from others) that parents have to deal with when kids are like this? Just NO.

It isn't your parenting. Just like it wasn't my parenting with my older kid. He eats everything - because we introduced lots of things, blah blah blah, worked hard, did everything right. I could be patting myself on the back too, criticizing parents for not wanting to put the work in to raise kids who eat a wide variety of foods and textures. But it wasn't my parenting and it wasn't yours. Just because you don't see the amount of work that parents have put in behind the scenes does not mean it hasn't happened and isn't happening. You are really self righteous here. Again, it isn't your excellent parenting. You just got lucky and you didn't screw it up. Good for you. Stop thinking parents are lazy and not wiling to "battle" it. You have no freaking idea. My kid who is a picky eater - we have done WAY more work on his eating than we ever had to with our older ds. You don't see what is happening in people's homes, and YES it would be MUCH EASIER if he didn't have these food aversions. That isn't the hand he was dealt and it wasn't the hand we were dealt.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:This article resonated with me but I had the opposite reaction. Polling DCUM.

I had a friend get pissed at me for bringing some emergency noodles for my picky 3 yr old. I figured a little Tupperware to supplement food that DD would not eat wasn’t going to harm anyone.

Well, They do Ellyn Satter eating with their kids...which I didn’t know so this did not go over well and we are now not invited to dinner anymore. (Which is fine with me. Restaurants will do)

Thoughts? Pro or con kids meals?

https://slate.com/human-interest/2020/01/should-i-indulge-picky-eaters-care-and-feeding.html

Ellyn Satter works as long as there’s something on the table that the child will eat. If they didn’t do that, of course you need to put something on it.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I would be relieved that there was something your kid was able to eat. I hate when people come, their kid doesn’t like the food I made, and then my sense of hospitality has me making the kid pb&j or grilled cheese while everyone else proceeds with dinner in the other room. Your friend is being absurd if she’s having such a strong reaction. In her case I would have asked what things your kid will eat, so that next time I could include something from that list in the menu.

+1
you know your kid and was being pro-active; good traits to me.

[Anonymous]

I wouldn't be offended at all. Who gives a crap?

[Anonymous]

Totally bizarre, OP. I wouldn't be bothered at all, and would make a mental note for next time to make sure noodles were served if your kid was coming.

And sorry, but mushroom/vegetable casserole? I love mushrooms, but I know plenty of kids AND adults who can't stand them, and I would not make them a major component of a main dish that I was serving to guests. I wouldn't serve a casserole at all, in fact--a big jumble of ingredients that are difficult to separate and may look visually unappealing is not a good choice for hosting.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I bet half the people saying you shouldn’t have brought the noodles are adults who are vegan or gluten free or paleo and think it’s only fair their hosts accommodate their preferences.

? nope. Some are saying your kids should just eat what is there. I accommodate dietary restrictions for SN or religion, not "because my kids don't like it".

Why is religion some how a more valid reason than a person not liking it? Religion is a choice. What if they are vegetarian by choice? Does it mater if they are vegetarian because they don't like meat or for moral/ethical reasons? Also do you post your "hostess" rules at the door? I'm amazed at the number of people here who don't understand hospitality in its most basic sense. Do you invite people over just to bend them to your will?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:The last dinner party we went to the hosts had nothing for the kids to eat. Their kids are picky so I think they thought we'd just show up with our own kid food. My youngest asked for a snack so they gave him crackers and my oldest said he was fine waiting for dessert (which we had brought). It was bizarre.

You're the type of person the Slate question-writer is talking about. One who expects there to be separate food for the children. I can't stand this. If we're having people over, we make sure that there is at least one option that is mild and simple (and therefore child and picky-eater friendly), but I'm sure as hell not making a box of mac and cheese or frozen chicken nuggets just so your special snowflakes have their own dinner.

Honestly you shouldn't have people over. I mean think what you want about parenting your own kids but it's insane to get that angry about chicken nuggets. Hosting is not for you.

[Anonymous]

I’m so sick of picky eater (the adult ones). I think picky eating is a personal failure.

We do ellyn satter too. No special meals. If my kids don’t eat it, nothing else appears. They eat what we eat. I’m willing to deconstruct the meal (chicken separate from pasta) but no more.

I wouldn’t be upset if someone brought their kid special food. I made chicken kabobs and hot dogs on the grill a few months ago. My friends kids refused either and I thought both were kid friendly.

[Anonymous]

If your kids are picky (or teens FFS—get it together), you feed them beforehand, teach them to eat a bit of what is served, and feed them later if needed. It’s one meal, folks.

[Anonymous]

I am happy if my guests are happy. If you bring a pb&j fine. If you kid just has a roll fine. If I know your kids loves crackers..we will probably put some out. I am not analyzing my guests. I have vegan guests/keto guests/allergic guests/germophobe guests. Their needs are not much different than a 3 year old's preferences.

I have a fussy eater. When she was 3, I would bring her something. Now I do not, she eats afterwards if she is hungry. I don't think anyone cares what she eats.