Picky eaters at friends houses

[Anonymous]

My teen niece and nephew were pretty bad last time. I told the whole family the menu in advance. The nephew did not eat one item, or try anything, the entire 6 hours in my house. The meal was normal and delicious.

After the meal, I asked if he wanted a PBj, cereal, anything? No, I guess he got hungry and come to find out, they had stopped and got Wendy’s on the way.

I will say, I was not offended. And if they had brought something, that’s great, awesome, go ahead.

I only feel bad for him that he can’t enjoy delicious stuff <— three of four adult siblings and the entire generation of kiddie cousins is like that. The adults at least are polite. The young cousins may grow into their taste buds. The teens bug me more. Even my little kids are not eating mushrooms and fish, etc., but they will try almost anything.

Mil says she never served salad once because the oldest didn’t like it.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:My teen niece and nephew were pretty bad last time. I told the whole family the menu in advance. The nephew did not eat one item, or try anything, the entire 6 hours in my house. The meal was normal and delicious.

After the meal, I asked if he wanted a PBj, cereal, anything? No, I guess he got hungry and come to find out, they had stopped and got Wendy’s on the way.

I will say, I was not offended. And if they had brought something, that’s great, awesome, go ahead.

I only feel bad for him that he can’t enjoy delicious stuff <— three of four adult siblings and the entire generation of kiddie cousins is like that. The adults at least are polite. The young cousins may grow into their taste buds. The teens bug me more. Even my little kids are not eating mushrooms and fish, etc., but they will try almost anything.

Mil says she never served salad once because the oldest didn’t like it.

Delicious to you is not delicious to him. As long as he was polite, no issues.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:My teen niece and nephew were pretty bad last time. I told the whole family the menu in advance. The nephew did not eat one item, or try anything, the entire 6 hours in my house. The meal was normal and delicious.

After the meal, I asked if he wanted a PBj, cereal, anything? No, I guess he got hungry and come to find out, they had stopped and got Wendy’s on the way.

I will say, I was not offended. And if they had brought something, that’s great, awesome, go ahead.

I only feel bad for him that he can’t enjoy delicious stuff <— three of four adult siblings and the entire generation of kiddie cousins is like that. The adults at least are polite. The young cousins may grow into their taste buds. The teens bug me more. Even my little kids are not eating mushrooms and fish, etc., but they will try almost anything.

Mil says she never served salad once because the oldest didn’t like it.

Im back again. I think there is a balance. On other times, we have been invited for dinner at a friends house. This friend may be living like Mr. Money Mustache. Retired and wealthy and do whatever they want in their 30s-40s. The wife works just to work. And he doesn’t. He cooks every meal and enjoys cooking, and makes these amazing meals twice a day. Their little kids eat EVERYTHING. Well, I think they forget that other kids do not. But, when we have gone over there, my kids will surprise me. And if all they eat is the one salad and bread they like, then they can have more of that. If one kids only likes the empanadas and eating sour cream like it’s yogurt.. great.

It’s not the end of the world if they don’t eat. They’re a usually too distracted playing w/ friends in situations like that. They can have a sandwich at home later.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:My teen niece and nephew were pretty bad last time. I told the whole family the menu in advance. The nephew did not eat one item, or try anything, the entire 6 hours in my house. The meal was normal and delicious.

After the meal, I asked if he wanted a PBj, cereal, anything? No, I guess he got hungry and come to find out, they had stopped and got Wendy’s on the way.

I will say, I was not offended. And if they had brought something, that’s great, awesome, go ahead.

I only feel bad for him that he can’t enjoy delicious stuff <— three of four adult siblings and the entire generation of kiddie cousins is like that. The adults at least are polite. The young cousins may grow into their taste buds. The teens bug me more. Even my little kids are not eating mushrooms and fish, etc., but they will try almost anything.

Mil says she never served salad once because the oldest didn’t like it.

Delicious to you is not delicious to him. As long as he was polite, no issues.

I agree. I think everyone’s entitled to their food opinions. However, I believe you can barely have an opinion if you haven’t tasted it. (Yes you sort of can in some cases; such as I will never like a runny egg. Even if it’s seasoned differently, it doesn’t matter).

Feel bad for the person who doesn’t like mashed potatoes, a breakfast dish, sweet tomatoes on bread, cut up fruit.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Celebrate you will no longer have to put up with that craziness. I am married to a picky eater. He would not have eaten the vegetable casserole either. But here is the issue we run into. My DH would also be perfectly content to sit at the table and talk to everyone else while they ate. This is also never "allowed" by a host. The host will always make a big deal about finding something for him to eat. This will of course embarrass my dh which means the next time there is an event he will not want to go. I don't do the short order cook thing for our family but I will always make sure there are "plain" options. So if we are having pasta the sauce is on the side. We will have a roast with vegetables but not a stew where everything is mixed together. Casseroles will not happen ever. Your friend is crazy to make a casserole as the main dish and expect everyone to eat it.

I am much like your husband. I have dear dear friends who know what I like and will kindly make it for me when I come to their homes though I never request it. I will eat a little of whatever is presented with a lot of water if I must. Like your husband I go for the company not the food. So if the group wants Thai I'm more than happy to go along and just get some rice or something. Every so often there is someone who cannot, WILL NOT accept that I am perfectly happy with a bowl of plain rice and make a big to do about what I am not eating. I will never understand why people get so upset about what other people do or do not eat. Happy to be there, happy to spend time with you. Also casseroles are NASTY and lazy.

[Anonymous]

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Anonymous wrote:My kids are teens and would not eat a mushroom/vegetable casserole. Or any casserole. I can't believe your friend served that and was mad that the kids didn't want to eat it. Of course the kids didn't want to eat it!

Then the issue is with your teens, not the friend who served it. It's not like that is a different "ethnic" food with "weird" spices.

My teens would eat some of that casserole because we taught them to eat a variety of foods from early on and that you eat what you are served.

Barring any SN and spicy food, kids should eat a bit of what they are served. I don't like certain foods, either, but I will certainly eat a bit of something at a dinner, and so will my kids.

In that case, my kids would eat salad. They would take a small bit and have a tiny bite to be polite but I honestly don't even know people who eat casseroles. It is a style of cooking that was in vogue in the 60s with a bunch of cream of mushroom soup cans of stuff.

I like casseroles but I would say that they actually are weird now. Sort of like how tomato aspic was ubiquitous and now it is a novelty.

That dish is an unusual one to serve at a dinner party, but that's the thing, you never what kind of food is going to be available where you are so you teach your kids to eat what's available.

We travel to foreign countries, and many of restaurants in those countries don't have a kid menu or what Americans would consider "kid friendly" food.

That is great. I have a kid who won't eat most "kid foods." Aversions to foods to come in all shapes and sizes. What I am saying is that you can't "teach" away a food aversion. You got lucky with your kids, and I got lucky with one of mine. Thank heavens I have the other kid who humbles us.

Oh, no, my one kid still has some food aversions, but we push through it. We are blessed to have somewhat healthy children (they have other health issues), but I don't doubt that many parents cater to their children's pickiness because it's just easier. Believe me, there were times I would just give in, too. But, if we did that all the time, then their pickiness would turn into full blown aversion.

You are still aren't getting it. It isn't your fantastic parenting that is the difference here. Most people with kids who are picky eaters and with aversions push their kids. They don't just "cater to their children's pickiness because it's just easier" - because it isn't easier!

Disagree. I see some cater to their pickiness. Catering to their pickiness is easier than fighting battles. Like I said, I've given in on occasion rather than fight it because it was easier.

But when we go to other people's home, they have to eat something that is offered. That's a deal breaker.

Still not getting it. Most people with kids with extreme food aversions would much prefer that their kids ate a lot more foods. It is incredibly difficult to accommodate extreme food aversions and pickiness day in and day out. You have two kids who are good with it. Most people in that situation don't get it and it is clear you don't get it. It isn't your parenting. You just hit the lottery. How do you think I know this???

You aren't getting it. Yes, it would be easier if their kids weren't so picky but the battle to get them to over come that pickiness is harder than just giving into the pickiness. That's the "harder" part I'm referring to -- the battle to get them to overcome it.

No. And what a low opinion you have other other parents. Kids are not all the same. It isn't like if you had raised my youngest, he would eat the way your other kids do.

Do parents put pressure on their kids in public social situations so that other parents (ahem) can see that they are trying? No. Most don't do that. You are sitting there thinking the "battle" to get them to overcome it is more work than the difficulty (and judgements from others) that parents have to deal with when kids are like this? Just NO.

It isn't your parenting. Just like it wasn't my parenting with my older kid. He eats everything - because we introduced lots of things, blah blah blah, worked hard, did everything right. I could be patting myself on the back too, criticizing parents for not wanting to put the work in to raise kids who eat a wide variety of foods and textures. But it wasn't my parenting and it wasn't yours. Just because you don't see the amount of work that parents have put in behind the scenes does not mean it hasn't happened and isn't happening. You are really self righteous here. Again, it isn't your excellent parenting. You just got lucky and you didn't screw it up. Good for you. Stop thinking parents are lazy and not wiling to "battle" it. You have no freaking idea. My kid who is a picky eater - we have done WAY more work on his eating than we ever had to with our older ds. You don't see what is happening in people's homes, and YES it would be MUCH EASIER if he didn't have these food aversions. That isn't the hand he was dealt and it wasn't the hand we were dealt.

I’m a NP and I largely agree with you, but I think this part of your response is key— “you got lucky AND YOU DIDN’T SCREW IT UP.”

IMO a lot of American parents DO screw it up, and that is kind of maddening— especially when they then act like it’s totally natural for kids to eat from a select menu of crappy kid food. I’m not talking about aversions or serious picky eating, I’m just talking about the very idea of kid food itself. Lots of American parents with kids who will only eat 10 (culturally specific) “kid friendly” entrees plus 5 vegetables and 10 fruits? Their kids really would eat a lot more variety if the parents hadn’t spoon fed tasteless purees, then bought them Go Gurt and nuggets for their lunches and never took them out for anything but burgers, pizza, and American versions of Italian and Mexican. I believe there are parents whose kids would be very very picky no matter how they parented. But given the percentage of American kids (the majority) who expect “kid food” all the time, I think there’s a huge number of parents who got reasonably lucky and then yes, screwed it ip.

[Anonymous]

What do you think the top 10 “kid entrees” are supposed to be?

I’d guess

Pizza
Hot dogs
Hamburgers/cheeseburgers
Chicken nuggets
Mac and cheese
Spaghetti/plain noodles
Grilled cheese
Tacos/quesadillas
PB&J
Fish sticks/fish and chips?

[Anonymous]

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Anonymous wrote:Y'all are suggesting leaving a 3 year old hungry? I don't now about other people's kids, but mine would have had an absolute meltdown if she were hungry, which would then ruin the dinner and any time spent together. IMO, prioritize making sure no one's throwing any fits over being hungry; it's mean to the child, and not a hill worth dying on.

I find that article to be *highly* judgmental. Most people do not go around announcing to the world, the struggles they're having with their child(ren). There are legitimate issues that cause people to feed their children the way they do. It's better to err on the side of grace, and be more accommodating, than to be that judgmental person that believes that what rules work for your family, must also work for everyone else's.

Yes, and that is why we taught our kids to eat a variety of foods, and not just kid friendly food. Makes traveling and going out to eat much easier.

My child, who grew up on ethnic foods, and eats a wide variety of it, might not like specific things served in someone else's house. She has textural aversions, and aversion to tart/bitter flavors (lemon, for instance). As a courtesy to them, and to save everyone misery, I always took foods with me that I knew she would eat, as a backup plan. It was better than giving them instructions on how to cook certain things, and what foods to avoid. Thankfully, my friends are nice people, and understood that kids don't come out of a cookie cutter mold, liking all the same things. Maybe because their kids mostly had different sets of issues than mine did, but none were these perfect, robotic, kids, that would eat everything that's put in front of them.

PP here.. I'm Asian. My kids also eat various ethnic foods, and that includes western food.

We go to a friend's for dinner pretty regularly, and they are of a different ethnicity and vegetarians, but my kids eat some of what they serve.

When I host a dinner, I do try to make something that I think most people would like, BUT, not everyone will like everything I make. One time I hosted a dinner where I had 6 different people with four different "I don't eat that" restrictions. I am never going to host another dinner with those six folks together ever again. That was crazy.

pp is sharing that she has a child with texture aversions. At some point you need to realize that your children are able to eat some of everything because you got lucky. It really isn't parenting. We are also an Asian american family and I have one kid who eats everything and one kid with texture issues.

How much of it is SN and how much of it is just "I don't like it so I don't want to eat it"? I hate certain textures, too, so does my DD, but if that is the *only* food being served, we will eat some of it.

She gags. And because she’s deathly afraid of throwing up (still is, and she’s nearly 10!), things kind of devolve from there. There is no way she would’ve eaten mushroom-veggie casserole at 3; one of her aversions is mushy things, like overcooked veggies and mashed potatoes. Salad would be fine, since she eats raw veggies. It’s weird to me that there is no protein. How’s that menu supposed to satiate anyone?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Op here. Served a mushroom/vegetable casserole and salad. Friend has a history of getting “creative” for dinner parties. It was tough cause there were 6 kids under six...

The other kids ended up eating some of the noodles. Which was why she was angry because “her kids eat what they are served.”

Yes 3 yr old is NT.

I’m not offended. It’s actually a relief for other reasons. Just curious on the DCUM pulse.

Mushroom/veggie casserole and salad were the only things on the table? When there were 6 kids under 6?! Yeah, if I knew she did this type of thing, I’d have brought something too (more likely to be cheese stick, baby carrots and boiled egg than noodles, but whatever works).

[Anonymous]

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Anonymous wrote:Y'all are suggesting leaving a 3 year old hungry? I don't now about other people's kids, but mine would have had an absolute meltdown if she were hungry, which would then ruin the dinner and any time spent together. IMO, prioritize making sure no one's throwing any fits over being hungry; it's mean to the child, and not a hill worth dying on.

I find that article to be *highly* judgmental. Most people do not go around announcing to the world, the struggles they're having with their child(ren). There are legitimate issues that cause people to feed their children the way they do. It's better to err on the side of grace, and be more accommodating, than to be that judgmental person that believes that what rules work for your family, must also work for everyone else's.

Yes, and that is why we taught our kids to eat a variety of foods, and not just kid friendly food. Makes traveling and going out to eat much easier.

My child, who grew up on ethnic foods, and eats a wide variety of it, might not like specific things served in someone else's house. She has textural aversions, and aversion to tart/bitter flavors (lemon, for instance). As a courtesy to them, and to save everyone misery, I always took foods with me that I knew she would eat, as a backup plan. It was better than giving them instructions on how to cook certain things, and what foods to avoid. Thankfully, my friends are nice people, and understood that kids don't come out of a cookie cutter mold, liking all the same things. Maybe because their kids mostly had different sets of issues than mine did, but none were these perfect, robotic, kids, that would eat everything that's put in front of them.

PP here.. I'm Asian. My kids also eat various ethnic foods, and that includes western food.

We go to a friend's for dinner pretty regularly, and they are of a different ethnicity and vegetarians, but my kids eat some of what they serve.

When I host a dinner, I do try to make something that I think most people would like, BUT, not everyone will like everything I make. One time I hosted a dinner where I had 6 different people with four different "I don't eat that" restrictions. I am never going to host another dinner with those six folks together ever again. That was crazy.

pp is sharing that she has a child with texture aversions. At some point you need to realize that your children are able to eat some of everything because you got lucky. It really isn't parenting. We are also an Asian american family and I have one kid who eats everything and one kid with texture issues.

How much of it is SN and how much of it is just "I don't like it so I don't want to eat it"? I hate certain textures, too, so does my DD, but if that is the *only* food being served, we will eat some of it.

There’s a difference between don’t like and gag to the point of vomiting and ruining everyone’s dinner.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:The last dinner party we went to the hosts had nothing for the kids to eat. Their kids are picky so I think they thought we'd just show up with our own kid food. My youngest asked for a snack so they gave him crackers and my oldest said he was fine waiting for dessert (which we had brought). It was bizarre.

You're the type of person the Slate question-writer is talking about. One who expects there to be separate food for the children. I can't stand this. If we're having people over, we make sure that there is at least one option that is mild and simple (and therefore child and picky-eater friendly), but I'm sure as hell not making a box of mac and cheese or frozen chicken nuggets just so your special snowflakes have their own dinner.

They clarified that there was barely enough food for the adults. Host expected them to bring food for their kids.

[Anonymous]

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Anonymous wrote:My kids are teens and would not eat a mushroom/vegetable casserole. Or any casserole. I can't believe your friend served that and was mad that the kids didn't want to eat it. Of course the kids didn't want to eat it!

Then the issue is with your teens, not the friend who served it. It's not like that is a different "ethnic" food with "weird" spices.

My teens would eat some of that casserole because we taught them to eat a variety of foods from early on and that you eat what you are served.

Barring any SN and spicy food, kids should eat a bit of what they are served. I don't like certain foods, either, but I will certainly eat a bit of something at a dinner, and so will my kids.

In that case, my kids would eat salad. They would take a small bit and have a tiny bite to be polite but I honestly don't even know people who eat casseroles. It is a style of cooking that was in vogue in the 60s with a bunch of cream of mushroom soup cans of stuff.

I like casseroles but I would say that they actually are weird now. Sort of like how tomato aspic was ubiquitous and now it is a novelty.

That dish is an unusual one to serve at a dinner party, but that's the thing, you never what kind of food is going to be available where you are so you teach your kids to eat what's available.

We travel to foreign countries, and many of restaurants in those countries don't have a kid menu or what Americans would consider "kid friendly" food.

That is great. I have a kid who won't eat most "kid foods." Aversions to foods to come in all shapes and sizes. What I am saying is that you can't "teach" away a food aversion. You got lucky with your kids, and I got lucky with one of mine. Thank heavens I have the other kid who humbles us.

Oh, no, my one kid still has some food aversions, but we push through it. We are blessed to have somewhat healthy children (they have other health issues), but I don't doubt that many parents cater to their children's pickiness because it's just easier. Believe me, there were times I would just give in, too. But, if we did that all the time, then their pickiness would turn into full blown aversion.

You are still aren't getting it. It isn't your fantastic parenting that is the difference here. Most people with kids who are picky eaters and with aversions push their kids. They don't just "cater to their children's pickiness because it's just easier" - because it isn't easier!

Disagree. I see some cater to their pickiness. Catering to their pickiness is easier than fighting battles. Like I said, I've given in on occasion rather than fight it because it was easier.

But when we go to other people's home, they have to eat something that is offered. That's a deal breaker.

Still not getting it. Most people with kids with extreme food aversions would much prefer that their kids ate a lot more foods. It is incredibly difficult to accommodate extreme food aversions and pickiness day in and day out. You have two kids who are good with it. Most people in that situation don't get it and it is clear you don't get it. It isn't your parenting. You just hit the lottery. How do you think I know this???

You aren't getting it. Yes, it would be easier if their kids weren't so picky but the battle to get them to over come that pickiness is harder than just giving into the pickiness. That's the "harder" part I'm referring to -- the battle to get them to overcome it.

+1. Agree. PP whose kid will eat anything, you are incredibly dense. Do you sit around tell people with kids with ADHD they need to teach them to pay attention? Or parents of kids with autism that they just need to teach their kid social skills? Like they haven't tried that already?

You're not following the thread very well. I stated "barring SN". ADHD is considered SN, no?

So are severe aversions. Kid will try to eat, gag, then vomit. Yet the same child s willing to try again next time.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I’m so sick of picky eater (the adult ones). I think picky eating is a personal failure.

We do ellyn satter too. No special meals. If my kids don’t eat it, nothing else appears. They eat what we eat. I’m willing to deconstruct the meal (chicken separate from pasta) but no more.

I wouldn’t be upset if someone brought their kid special food. I made chicken kabobs and hot dogs on the grill a few months ago. My friends kids refused either and I thought both were kid friendly.

My mashed potatoes hating child would not eat hot dogs (slimy), but would eat kabobs. She eats Sushi, Indian, Thai, Vietnamese, Italian, Mexican, etc., but not hot dogs or mashed potatoes. IThat’s the thing with food aversion; there is no predicting it.

There is no earthly way that telling someone else’s child ‘It’s my way or you starve’ would be remotely acceptable. Maybe to an older child, but I’d still consider them terrible hosts.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I’m so sick of picky eater (the adult ones). I think picky eating is a personal failure.

We do ellyn satter too. No special meals. If my kids don’t eat it, nothing else appears. They eat what we eat. I’m willing to deconstruct the meal (chicken separate from pasta) but no more.

I wouldn’t be upset if someone brought their kid special food. I made chicken kabobs and hot dogs on the grill a few months ago. My friends kids refused either and I thought both were kid friendly.

My mashed potatoes hating child would not eat hot dogs (slimy), but would eat kabobs. She eats Sushi, Indian, Thai, Vietnamese, Italian, Mexican, etc., but not hot dogs or mashed potatoes. IThat’s the thing with food aversion; there is no predicting it.

There is no earthly way that telling someone else’s child ‘It’s my way or you starve’ would be remotely acceptable. Maybe to an older child, but I’d still consider them terrible hosts.

Having hot dogs and kabobs is not forcing a child to starve. You probably would think I’m a bad host then. I don’t have a huge supply of other food to whip up for your picky eater. No bread for pbj. I have a set menu I make and just buy those items. Frankly I didn’t care if the kid ate or if he just ate fruit or my other side dishes.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:
Having hot dogs and kabobs is not forcing a child to starve. You probably would think I’m a bad host then. I don’t have a huge supply of other food to whip up for your picky eater. No bread for pbj. I have a set menu I make and just buy those items. Frankly I didn’t care if the kid ate or if he just ate fruit or my other side dishes.

I do think you are a bad host! I would be horrified if a child left my house hungry after being served a meal.

I don't think you are a bad person but yes I think you are a bad host!