What do you wish you knew when expecting your first?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:That many of the people trying to convince me my life would be a certain way going forward were full of it.

1. We sleep trained and my kid is an excellent sleeper

2. Weekly babysitter means I still have fun with my husband

3. I lost all of the baby weight. My body is actually better.

4. My house isn’t full of kids stuff

You have privilege. Your child sleep trained well. Not all kids do. You can afford a babysitter and have a husband. Many women are single moms and many families can’t afford a weekly babysitter. You lost the weight which means you have time to exercise and prepare healthy meals, it sounds like. Not all people can afford healthy food, a gym, or have time to exercise. You have a playroom which means you have a large enough home to dedicate a room to children’s toys. Many people do not. Please recognize your privilege before assuming all other women can have what you do when they become moms.

I can share this since it’s an anonymous forum... I was on birth control until I was married. I would have had an abortion if the birth control failed pre marriage. I wouldn’t have had children if I couldn’t afford a babysitter or still find time to exercise. I exercised with the baby if it matters. But this is because I prioritize these things and not everyone does.

Oh honey. Were you trying to be ironic here? Somehow I don't think so...

Do you think the only women who reproduce are affluent, fit, privileged, educated, and wealthy? Because the vast majority are not.

Birth rates would plummet if that were the case and contrary to popular belief, that would not be a good thing.

Do you have a source for your claim that women with hypertonic pelvic floors (a term you didn't use in your op) CANT have a vaginal birth?

[Anonymous]

https://spinningbabies.com/learn-more/techniques/the-fantastic-four/sidelying-release/

She discusses this later on in the post.

[Anonymous]

who the father was.

[Anonymous]

I wish I knew that things might go not the way you planned and while that might be sad it will be okay.

- of course I wanted/expected a vaginal birth but water broke and contractions never came although the hospital said my body was doing it but never dilated or felt said contractions. Ended up with a c-section. Was pretty sad about what felt like my body not working. Now reading DCUM it sounds like I actually avoided a lot of trauma lol so I wish I would have read it before, haha.

- Not all women produce enough milk for their babies. Again, another instance of my body not doing what I thought it should. It’s extremely insulting to try your hardest and buy formula which says “breast is best” after trying my absolute hardest to get it to work.

- Not all newborns sleep a ton. Some are really difficult to get napping. I was really jealous every time I saw a baby napping in their stroller or in a public place.

At least on my second I knew what to expect and I got my napper.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Most of those decisions that you agonize over don’t matter.

This is SO TRUE.

[Anonymous]

How to feed my newborn. I took multiple breastfeeding classes and thought I was prepared and somehow missed out on learning about supply issues. Ended up back in the hospital for breastfeeding jaundice and though I know it's common and wasn't a big deal, it was very traumatic for me. I think I would have been in a much better place had I just known to give a little formula.

That feeling utterly overwhelmed and lost at first is normal, and it goes away. The first couple of weeks were just brutal for me. Constant sobbing and regret and I was just miserable. I've come to learn it's hormonal and relatively common but I think it would have helped to be prepared for that instead of feeling like the world's shittiest mother for not being happy.

[Anonymous]

It's OK to accept help. When family and friends first volunteered to come over and hold our baby so we could sleep, I felt like a bad mother for taking them up on it. In fact, it took a few sleepless nights for me to even consider their offer. It really does take a village!

[Anonymous]

10:56 PP here - also, get a pediatrician you trust and like. There's a lot of conflicting advice out there and it can be hard to navigate. Having a doctor I trust and who will listen to and address my concerns has been crucial for my anxiety.

And after reading the comments here about birth experiences - try not to get too focused on one particular type of delivery. The reality is there's a lot you can't control, and different women have different experiences. I was irrationally afraid of the epidural and didn't have too bad of a time going unmedicated, so that was the right choice for me, but that's probably because I got lucky and had a pretty quick labor. It bothered me a lot when random people insisted on an epidural or suggested my preference was because I wanted some sort "natural birth" trophy. Different people have wildly different preferences and experiences and I don't think it does anyone any good to put too much stock in the experiences of others. Do what feels right for you and is medically necessary.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:That many of the people trying to convince me my life would be a certain way going forward were full of it.

1. We sleep trained and my kid is an excellent sleeper

2. Weekly babysitter means I still have fun with my husband

3. I lost all of the baby weight. My body is actually better.

4. My house isn’t full of kids stuff

Genuine question, do you only have one kid? I was exactly like this with one kid and REALLY full of myself. My second kid was a huge dose of humility. I'm an exhausted frumpy loser mom now.

I mean this sincerely, if you value all of these things about yourself I highly recommend stopping after one kid. I thought that since one kid came so easily to me and H that the second would also be easy but I was wrong, wrong, wrong. I love her but man she turned my whole world upside down.

I wasn’t saying that any of this came easy to me. You missed the point.

1. I will sleep train a second kid just like the first.

2. There’s no reason we can’t still hire babysitters.

3. If I lost all the baby weight with child one I assume it’s possible for child two or I can at least lose most of it.

4. I still won’t allow my living room to be a playpen and no reason a second kid means it has to be. We have a playroom.

Ok. Like I said, it was a dose of humility. Good luck.

See that’s the exact attitude I encountered before my first kid. The whole “good luck...you think you can manage but you won’t be able to.”

There just isn’t any reason why I will be unable to hire a babysitter or lose the baby weight. Neither are impossible tasks.

Women had me really scared prekids about everything from returning to work to not being able to lose the weight. While some things were harder than others, nothing has been insurmountable.

Alright look. Maybe you'll be fine. I read your post and I saw a very vivid view of what I was like before I had my second kid.

You keep harping on the babysitter issue and you're right, we definitely still get a babysitter with two.

My first kid regressed majorly. Sleep issues, potty training issues, behavior issues. She went insane. She was SO well adjusted before that, honestly one of the most easy going, mature kids I knew and she went insane. So 'sleep training' is irrelevant when you have a 2 year old sobbing at 10 pm that "skeletons" are in her room trying to eat her. Meanwhile our second baby completely resisted sleep training. I did it with my first so I am not a stranger to it and have no issues listening to crying, but she escalated more and more as the night went on. My toddler started to wake up as a result. So we had both kids in total sleep meltdowns and I was running on 1-2 hour stretches per night. When you get to a point like that, things like getting a sitter or losing baby weight don't seem so important.

I don't know how old your kid is but keeping messes contained was very easy for me until my first turned 4 or so, then she got a serious mind of her own and it became a part time job chasing her down to keep her toys contained and her stupid art projects out of the living room.

My husband and I had a great division of labor and we gave each other tons of breaks. I could go to work network events, go play tennis, go see movies, do whatever I wanted whenever I wanted. As long as we cleared it with each other it was all on the table. That flew out the window the year my second was born. It was constant divide and conquer, very rare breaks.

About 9 months after my second was born I'm starting to see my life stabilize a little bit and I'm starting to feel interested in things like my job or losing the baby weight again. But it was a breathless, difficult year that literally landed me in therapy because I was so shocked that I wasn't handling it like a piece of cake. In therapy I've done a lot of work to realize how much of my identity had been wrapped up in this idea that I was such a good, laid back mom who balanced my awesome kid with my awesome job. It all unraveled this year and I was left picking up the pieces of what felt like was actually left of my identity.

I don't even want to go on because it seems kind of pointless and I'm sure you'll have an answer for everything. Like I said though, good luck. Maybe it will go fine for you, what do I know. Obviously not much, I learned the hard way this year.

DD#1 was 2.5 when #2 came along. She was potty trained and we were so set. New baby and she just refused, went back to diapers for like 6 more months. It sucked.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Wish I had known that it’s easiest to stockpile breast milk early on (first 3 months) when milk supply is driven more heavily by hormones. I didn’t realize how difficult breastfeeding would be, especially since it seemed so easy at first. I had low supply after the first 3 months and put in a lot of effort to increase supply with very little success. And not everyone sheds weight breastfeeding. That was an annoying discovery.

There really are so many things that vary from person to person. You’re bound to find some part of pregnancy or postpartum life difficult or unexpected.

Ugh. Same. Huge bummer.

What was more of a bummer was to discover, after building a small freezer stash, that I had high lipase milk and my baby wouldn't drink it after it had been frozen. So much work for nothing. That was the end of pumping at work.

[Anonymous]

Freezer stashes are highly overrated. The benefits of thawed breast milk over formula are questionable. Thawing the milk can be a pain - a bunch of my bags leaked which is super annoying when trying to get out the door in the morning. Just give the baby formula.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Most of those decisions that you agonize over don’t matter.

This is SO TRUE.

[phone], the most true thing on here. Except vaccination. While it won't matter much to your own kids you're a giant d if you don't do it.

Other things,

1) +1 on c sections being awesome. But I know people who loved natural birth. Know there isnt much you can do to dictate this with your first baby (you have more choices generally with #2 based on history) but ask women in your family about propensity towards pelvic floor issues.

2) Feed your baby however you want. The person this will primarily effect is you so choose accordingly
. Breastfeeding is (from what I've heard) very personally rewarding and creates a special bond. Formula feeding makes equitable distribution of baby care easier and statistically gets babies sleeping through the night more quickly. Breastfeeding is physically taxing and formula is pretty expensive. Make the choice that best fits your own happiness because that is something far far far more impacted by this choice than your child's health or well being. Kid will be fine either way!

3) Make sure your husband and/or baby daddy doesnt suck. This will impact your experience of child rearing more than any other thing in your life, including money. Seriously it's better to be a single mom than to have a crappy spouse in many cases.

4) Hold your baby, love your baby, dont shake your baby and don't fall asleep drunk next to them on a mattress with a lot of blankets and you'll be fine. What matters most is loving them and making sure they are being touched and held regularly (not necessarily by you all the time!). Everything else is noise and the variety of life experience.

[Anonymous]

That you don’t have to choose breastfeeding or formula. You can combo feed to whatever degree makes sense and adjust over time. I’m on leave with #2 and DH gives her one small bottle of formula a day (2 oz) to free me up a bit and get her constantly taking the bottle. But she is predominately breastfed. My output has never been great with the pump so I’m sure we will supplement more over time as we evaluate her needs. With my first I felt like such a failure when I couldn’t pump enough. With my second I see it as best of both worlds! And if pumping doesn’t work when I am back at work I’m going to quit way sooner and just aim for nursing morning and evenings.

Another thing that stuck with me from my first is a friend told me it gets better around 8 weeks and better again around 12. She was right both times and so with #2 who was way harder than my first I kept saying this to myself like the light at the end of the tunnel. It was true for both my kids. Maybe not like they got better overnight but things started getting noticeably better. And I joke that if I could have amnesia for the first 6 months that’d be great. I’ve learned I’m just not super into those first few months but a 6 month old?? Awesome and only better after that. My son is 3 now and it has challenges but I still prefer it to the newborn stage!

[Anonymous]

I have three kids (3 born in 4.5yrs) and pregnant with my 4th. Here is my rundown:
- scheduled csections w all of them, and I think bottom line is there is no fantastic way to have a baby. I HATED every minute of that surgery - was traumatic for me - that being said, I recovered well from all of them. Get up and get moving as soon as you can, carefully of course, and the better shape you go into pregnancy, the better shape you will be coming out. Just a fact.

- breastfeeding can be hard w one kid, easy w another. Some of it has to do with you, some with baby. My second baby was a breeze to BF and I did it for over a year. My first and third were harder, third I just didn’t have the supply to meet her demands. I gave myself so much guilt but I formula fed at night and then gave up after 6months bc I was driving myself insane. She’s perfectly healthy and smart! Also - I did not feel normal or get my energy or body back until after I finished BFing.

- my pregnancies were not great and I always felt more comfortable having a healthy newborn baby outside of my body than inside. But I had help and support in the newborn phase, and I am SO grateful for that.

- this may sounds cold or callous, but the night I got home from the hospital I put the baby in a bassinet in the crib in their own room ... never really co slept, unless they were sick. I tried to get them on a feeding and sleep schedule as quickly as I could without depriving them of course, and then sleep trained when they were old enough. I will say all three of my kids did really well with a sleep schedule and to this day are awesome sleepers. It was HARD at first, but i would hear from countless friends about sleep and feeding issues for months, and I didn’t experience that with none of my kids. However realizing that every baby is different and I may have just been lucky w all three.

- the early years are physically exhausting, but pls remember that it’s true most of the decisions and worries you agonize over won’t be big deals. I’m 11yrs into parenting and the nice part is that you get more relaxed with experience. Kids take their anxiety cues from you .... so if you need therapy or meds, do it!

- I thought 6mos to 2yrs was totally dreamy and sweet. Toddlers can be tough - if they are opinionated or have fears, development issues, etc. But they do grow out of it.

- you do not need a lot of baby crap! But as you need, not beforehand.

Hope this helps
Xx

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:That if your pelvic floor cant relax- you cant have a vaginal birth. All the prep and classes etc wont help if you arent able to widen/relax your pelvic floor when taking deep diaphragmatic breaths

Is this true even if you get an epidural?

Yes. Some women have hypertonic pelvic floor muscles. This is best treated with PT prior to delivery. It’s not something your OB or midwife will notice. But if you have symptoms like overactive bladder, painful sex or pain wearing tampons, urine leakage with coughing or sneezing, straining to poop, taking a long time to start peeing, this can be a sign your pelvic floor muscles don’t relax well. Muscles that are on all the time can make vaginal birth very difficult.

Yes I got an epidural and labored for almost 40 hours with 4 hours of pushing. Found out post partum that I have hypertonic pelvic floor and the only reason I went was pain during sex post partum. I always have had an overactive bladder, dont like wearing tampoons but no issues with pee/poop.

Honestly, you can push natural labor all you want but until pelvic PT personnel are a normal part of pregnancy care then people like me are just going to languish in misery.