What do you wish you knew when expecting your first?

[Anonymous]

I wish I had known that there's a lot you can't know. I did a lot of reading and research on childbirth and it lead me in certain directions that in hindsight were the exact opposite of what I wanted - because my reaction to certain drugs was not what the books lead me to believe. I beat myself up for a while for not guessing right about what I should have asked for, but I was only going with the knowledge I had at the time. Pregnancy and childbirth aren't just things you do correctly, they're things you learn from.

Also, and this is real advice: go for walks. Start doing it early, don't wait until you feel better to make it a habit. I got such terrible gas cramps from my pregnancy that I genuinely believed I was having a miscarriage - I'd never felt that badly before. It turned out that the only thing that helped (didn't fix) my nausea also helped with gas - get out in the air and walk.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Just to provide another perspective, I loved being in labor. And breastfeeding was super easy for me. I was so worried about it because I felt like all I heard were horror stories.

My advice would be to get pelvic floor pt. It helped everything down there, including sex.

Uh I have never heard of anyone who enjoyed being in labor? .... why? I mean, I can think of lots of things I would’ve preferred to be doing than being in labor...

I enjoyed it too. I was 2 weeks overdue so I was SO READY by that point, I was honestly just so thrilled that the pregnancy was almost over. It was just so exciting. It hurt but the hurt just reminded me I was that much closer to getting my baby out. Then I got an epidural around 7 cm and the rest was straight up pleasant!

I know it sounds crazy but I loved it. I looked forward to labor the entire second pregnancy; unfortunately that one didn't go quite as easily so I didn't enjoy it as much but it still wasn't too bad.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:That many of the people trying to convince me my life would be a certain way going forward were full of it.

1. We sleep trained and my kid is an excellent sleeper

2. Weekly babysitter means I still have fun with my husband

3. I lost all of the baby weight. My body is actually better.

4. My house isn’t full of kids stuff

Genuine question, do you only have one kid? I was exactly like this with one kid and REALLY full of myself. My second kid was a huge dose of humility. I'm an exhausted frumpy loser mom now.

I mean this sincerely, if you value all of these things about yourself I highly recommend stopping after one kid. I thought that since one kid came so easily to me and H that the second would also be easy but I was wrong, wrong, wrong. I love her but man she turned my whole world upside down.

I wasn’t saying that any of this came easy to me. You missed the point.

1. I will sleep train a second kid just like the first.

2. There’s no reason we can’t still hire babysitters.

3. If I lost all the baby weight with child one I assume it’s possible for child two or I can at least lose most of it.

4. I still won’t allow my living room to be a playpen and no reason a second kid means it has to be. We have a playroom.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:That many of the people trying to convince me my life would be a certain way going forward were full of it.

1. We sleep trained and my kid is an excellent sleeper

2. Weekly babysitter means I still have fun with my husband

3. I lost all of the baby weight. My body is actually better.

4. My house isn’t full of kids stuff

Genuine question, do you only have one kid? I was exactly like this with one kid and REALLY full of myself. My second kid was a huge dose of humility. I'm an exhausted frumpy loser mom now.

I mean this sincerely, if you value all of these things about yourself I highly recommend stopping after one kid. I thought that since one kid came so easily to me and H that the second would also be easy but I was wrong, wrong, wrong. I love her but man she turned my whole world upside down.

I wasn’t saying that any of this came easy to me. You missed the point.

1. I will sleep train a second kid just like the first.

2. There’s no reason we can’t still hire babysitters.

3. If I lost all the baby weight with child one I assume it’s possible for child two or I can at least lose most of it.

4. I still won’t allow my living room to be a playpen and no reason a second kid means it has to be. We have a playroom.

Ok. Like I said, it was a dose of humility. Good luck.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:That many of the people trying to convince me my life would be a certain way going forward were full of it.

1. We sleep trained and my kid is an excellent sleeper

2. Weekly babysitter means I still have fun with my husband

3. I lost all of the baby weight. My body is actually better.

4. My house isn’t full of kids stuff

Genuine question, do you only have one kid? I was exactly like this with one kid and REALLY full of myself. My second kid was a huge dose of humility. I'm an exhausted frumpy loser mom now.

I mean this sincerely, if you value all of these things about yourself I highly recommend stopping after one kid. I thought that since one kid came so easily to me and H that the second would also be easy but I was wrong, wrong, wrong. I love her but man she turned my whole world upside down.

I wasn’t saying that any of this came easy to me. You missed the point.

1. I will sleep train a second kid just like the first.

2. There’s no reason we can’t still hire babysitters.

3. If I lost all the baby weight with child one I assume it’s possible for child two or I can at least lose most of it.

4. I still won’t allow my living room to be a playpen and no reason a second kid means it has to be. We have a playroom.

How old is your kid?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:That many of the people trying to convince me my life would be a certain way going forward were full of it.

1. We sleep trained and my kid is an excellent sleeper

2. Weekly babysitter means I still have fun with my husband

3. I lost all of the baby weight. My body is actually better.

4. My house isn’t full of kids stuff

Genuine question, do you only have one kid? I was exactly like this with one kid and REALLY full of myself. My second kid was a huge dose of humility. I'm an exhausted frumpy loser mom now.

I mean this sincerely, if you value all of these things about yourself I highly recommend stopping after one kid. I thought that since one kid came so easily to me and H that the second would also be easy but I was wrong, wrong, wrong. I love her but man she turned my whole world upside down.

I wasn’t saying that any of this came easy to me. You missed the point.

1. I will sleep train a second kid just like the first.

2. There’s no reason we can’t still hire babysitters.

3. If I lost all the baby weight with child one I assume it’s possible for child two or I can at least lose most of it.

4. I still won’t allow my living room to be a playpen and no reason a second kid means it has to be. We have a playroom.

Ok. Like I said, it was a dose of humility. Good luck.

See that’s the exact attitude I encountered before my first kid. The whole “good luck...you think you can manage but you won’t be able to.”

There just isn’t any reason why I will be unable to hire a babysitter or lose the baby weight. Neither are impossible tasks.

Women had me really scared prekids about everything from returning to work to not being able to lose the weight. While some things were harder than others, nothing has been insurmountable.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:C section was way better than vaginal.

+1


WAAAAAY better!

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:That many of the people trying to convince me my life would be a certain way going forward were full of it.

1. We sleep trained and my kid is an excellent sleeper

2. Weekly babysitter means I still have fun with my husband

3. I lost all of the baby weight. My body is actually better.

4. My house isn’t full of kids stuff

Genuine question, do you only have one kid? I was exactly like this with one kid and REALLY full of myself. My second kid was a huge dose of humility. I'm an exhausted frumpy loser mom now.

I mean this sincerely, if you value all of these things about yourself I highly recommend stopping after one kid. I thought that since one kid came so easily to me and H that the second would also be easy but I was wrong, wrong, wrong. I love her but man she turned my whole world upside down.

I wasn’t saying that any of this came easy to me. You missed the point.

1. I will sleep train a second kid just like the first.

2. There’s no reason we can’t still hire babysitters.

3. If I lost all the baby weight with child one I assume it’s possible for child two or I can at least lose most of it.

4. I still won’t allow my living room to be a playpen and no reason a second kid means it has to be. We have a playroom.

Ok. Like I said, it was a dose of humility. Good luck.

See that’s the exact attitude I encountered before my first kid. The whole “good luck...you think you can manage but you won’t be able to.”

There just isn’t any reason why I will be unable to hire a babysitter or lose the baby weight. Neither are impossible tasks.

Women had me really scared prekids about everything from returning to work to not being able to lose the weight. While some things were harder than others, nothing has been insurmountable.

Alright look. Maybe you'll be fine. I read your post and I saw a very vivid view of what I was like before I had my second kid.

You keep harping on the babysitter issue and you're right, we definitely still get a babysitter with two.

My first kid regressed majorly. Sleep issues, potty training issues, behavior issues. She went insane. She was SO well adjusted before that, honestly one of the most easy going, mature kids I knew and she went insane. So 'sleep training' is irrelevant when you have a 2 year old sobbing at 10 pm that "skeletons" are in her room trying to eat her. Meanwhile our second baby completely resisted sleep training. I did it with my first so I am not a stranger to it and have no issues listening to crying, but she escalated more and more as the night went on. My toddler started to wake up as a result. So we had both kids in total sleep meltdowns and I was running on 1-2 hour stretches per night. When you get to a point like that, things like getting a sitter or losing baby weight don't seem so important.

I don't know how old your kid is but keeping messes contained was very easy for me until my first turned 4 or so, then she got a serious mind of her own and it became a part time job chasing her down to keep her toys contained and her stupid art projects out of the living room.

My husband and I had a great division of labor and we gave each other tons of breaks. I could go to work network events, go play tennis, go see movies, do whatever I wanted whenever I wanted. As long as we cleared it with each other it was all on the table. That flew out the window the year my second was born. It was constant divide and conquer, very rare breaks.

About 9 months after my second was born I'm starting to see my life stabilize a little bit and I'm starting to feel interested in things like my job or losing the baby weight again. But it was a breathless, difficult year that literally landed me in therapy because I was so shocked that I wasn't handling it like a piece of cake. In therapy I've done a lot of work to realize how much of my identity had been wrapped up in this idea that I was such a good, laid back mom who balanced my awesome kid with my awesome job. It all unraveled this year and I was left picking up the pieces of what felt like was actually left of my identity.

I don't even want to go on because it seems kind of pointless and I'm sure you'll have an answer for everything. Like I said though, good luck. Maybe it will go fine for you, what do I know. Obviously not much, I learned the hard way this year.

[Anonymous]

^^ I just posted and I meant when my oldest turned 3, not 4. She's still 3 now.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:That many of the people trying to convince me my life would be a certain way going forward were full of it.

1. We sleep trained and my kid is an excellent sleeper

2. Weekly babysitter means I still have fun with my husband

3. I lost all of the baby weight. My body is actually better.

4. My house isn’t full of kids stuff

Genuine question, do you only have one kid? I was exactly like this with one kid and REALLY full of myself. My second kid was a huge dose of humility. I'm an exhausted frumpy loser mom now.

I mean this sincerely, if you value all of these things about yourself I highly recommend stopping after one kid. I thought that since one kid came so easily to me and H that the second would also be easy but I was wrong, wrong, wrong. I love her but man she turned my whole world upside down.

I wasn’t saying that any of this came easy to me. You missed the point.

1. I will sleep train a second kid just like the first.

2. There’s no reason we can’t still hire babysitters.

3. If I lost all the baby weight with child one I assume it’s possible for child two or I can at least lose most of it.

4. I still won’t allow my living room to be a playpen and no reason a second kid means it has to be. We have a playroom.

Ok. Like I said, it was a dose of humility. Good luck.

See that’s the exact attitude I encountered before my first kid. The whole “good luck...you think you can manage but you won’t be able to.”

There just isn’t any reason why I will be unable to hire a babysitter or lose the baby weight. Neither are impossible tasks.

Women had me really scared prekids about everything from returning to work to not being able to lose the weight. While some things were harder than others, nothing has been insurmountable.

Alright look. Maybe you'll be fine. I read your post and I saw a very vivid view of what I was like before I had my second kid.

You keep harping on the babysitter issue and you're right, we definitely still get a babysitter with two.

My first kid regressed majorly. Sleep issues, potty training issues, behavior issues. She went insane. She was SO well adjusted before that, honestly one of the most easy going, mature kids I knew and she went insane. So 'sleep training' is irrelevant when you have a 2 year old sobbing at 10 pm that "skeletons" are in her room trying to eat her. Meanwhile our second baby completely resisted sleep training. I did it with my first so I am not a stranger to it and have no issues listening to crying, but she escalated more and more as the night went on. My toddler started to wake up as a result. So we had both kids in total sleep meltdowns and I was running on 1-2 hour stretches per night. When you get to a point like that, things like getting a sitter or losing baby weight don't seem so important.

I don't know how old your kid is but keeping messes contained was very easy for me until my first turned 4 or so, then she got a serious mind of her own and it became a part time job chasing her down to keep her toys contained and her stupid art projects out of the living room.

My husband and I had a great division of labor and we gave each other tons of breaks. I could go to work network events, go play tennis, go see movies, do whatever I wanted whenever I wanted. As long as we cleared it with each other it was all on the table. That flew out the window the year my second was born. It was constant divide and conquer, very rare breaks.

About 9 months after my second was born I'm starting to see my life stabilize a little bit and I'm starting to feel interested in things like my job or losing the baby weight again. But it was a breathless, difficult year that literally landed me in therapy because I was so shocked that I wasn't handling it like a piece of cake. In therapy I've done a lot of work to realize how much of my identity had been wrapped up in this idea that I was such a good, laid back mom who balanced my awesome kid with my awesome job. It all unraveled this year and I was left picking up the pieces of what felt like was actually left of my identity.

I don't even want to go on because it seems kind of pointless and I'm sure you'll have an answer for everything. Like I said though, good luck. Maybe it will go fine for you, what do I know. Obviously not much, I learned the hard way this year.

I appreciate you sharing. Sorry you experienced this.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:That many of the people trying to convince me my life would be a certain way going forward were full of it.

1. We sleep trained and my kid is an excellent sleeper

2. Weekly babysitter means I still have fun with my husband

3. I lost all of the baby weight. My body is actually better.

4. My house isn’t full of kids stuff

You have privilege. Your child sleep trained well. Not all kids do. You can afford a babysitter and have a husband. Many women are single moms and many families can’t afford a weekly babysitter. You lost the weight which means you have time to exercise and prepare healthy meals, it sounds like. Not all people can afford healthy food, a gym, or have time to exercise. You have a playroom which means you have a large enough home to dedicate a room to children’s toys. Many people do not. Please recognize your privilege before assuming all other women can have what you do when they become moms.

[Anonymous]

Don't get your head all wrapped up in a certain birth experience - it doesn't matter in the end and it's not a thing you can control. My kid was sideways and wouldn't turn so I had a c-section - my recovery was just fine and I now absolutely see the merits of a "show up at 10, have a baby at 12" birth experience too, though it was devastating at the time.

EVERYTHING is a phase. This too shall pass.

Split the night, from the beginning. Even if you're on maternity leave, caring for a tiny baby is still a job just like going to work.

If Dad has access to paternity leave, he takes it. Ideally alone after mom goes back to work. This is not only important for your child and household, but for gender parity in the workplace in general.

If I had it to do over again - I wouldn't pump once I went back to work. It's a big logistical PITA for little or no proven benefit. I also wish I'd known how important lactation support in the hospital is, as well as shortly after. We didn't get a good BFing rhythm until 6 weeks which felt like an eternity of pumping.

If I had it to do over again, I'd also sleep train earlier. My kid woke up twice a night until 9 months (see also: split the night, above) when our old school pediatrician was like: you know she really doesn't have to eat overnight anymore... A few rough nights and she's slept 12 straight hours since. I would have done it at 6 months I think.

[Anonymous]

Pick 1-2 trusted sources that align with your values and ignore advice from everywhere else. Expecting Better and Kelly Mom were mine.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Pick 1-2 trusted sources that align with your values and ignore advice from everywhere else. Expecting Better and Kelly Mom were mine.

Definitely agree with this - it's overwhelming otherwise. I posted above my favorites but just to reiterate, I also loved Expecting Better for Pregnancy, Lucie's List for pregnancy + post partum, Happiest Baby on the Block for newborn days, and Janet Lansbury for toddler behavior management. I just try to block out the rest of the noise.

[Anonymous]

That if your pelvic floor cant relax- you cant have a vaginal birth. All the prep and classes etc wont help if you arent able to widen/relax your pelvic floor when taking deep diaphragmatic breaths