ill spouse

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Question: If you got married but then your spouse got ill with an incurable disease....is it understandable to leave that spouse in any capacity?

I do not want to judge because I have never had to deal with this myself but something that happened to a family member.

Basically you are in a lifetime sentence of caretaking and never being able to fully live out YOUR own life or the LIFE you imagine with a healthy spouse.


Any thoughts?

Cancer survivor here, which means my odds of cancer again are increased. It has always crossed my mind if men wouldn't marry me because they would be afraid of what the future would hold. I wouldn't be with someone who had any feelings like you are expressing, the "OMG I'd be a caretaker", like that's not the right mindset to have. You and your spouse take care of each in different throughout life, that's a marriage. You love someone and marry someone in sickness and in health, not just health and then kick them to the curb.

As a cancer survivor I would expect you to have a plan in place so your new partner would not become a caregiver and bankrupt single parent.

You know what your situation is and you need to plan for the future.

I know many people who married somebody with a condition they did not disclose or plan for before the marriage and I would say they entered the marriage under false pretenses.

One I can't have kids because to the cancer, so no single parent status in the future.

Two I highly doubt you know MANY people who in this situation didn't disclose. The world can be a bad place but not that bad.

Has something bad happened to you because I feel this negativity from you, which is unnecessary.

Actually, I am old so yes, I know many. Live in an over 55 community for a while.. you will know many too.

My BIL's girlfriend also "could not get pregnant due to cancer, but she did, and she died when the child was 18 months"

I am not negative I am realistic. I will take care of my future, my H will take care of his and we won't bankrupt each other financially or emotionally. My H marrying me does not make him my nurse. He is my companion... I will hire a nurse.

I find you to be a scary, cold-hearted person. If my spouse were to become in, I'd be in it for the long haul. If it reached the point where I couldn't handle the care, you can bet I'd be visiting as much as possible and watching those who did care for him like a hawk. Everyone with illnesses needs an advocate.

To just abandon a spouse when they become ill is selfish and horrible.

There are many shades of gray between caretaker and abandonment.

You will see.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:my wife was diagnosed with colon cancer in 2004. After many surgeries, chemo rounds and radiation, she passed in 2016.
It certainly crossed my mind many times, but I was raising our kid .
My secretary understood and took care of my physical & emotional needs that enabled me to stay as the caretaker.

Did you reward your secretary?

yes, very well. She now lives far away & is very well taken care of-- we still keep in touch

boy, are there angry, bitter and jealous folks around here!

Was your wife happy with this arrangement?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:my wife was diagnosed with colon cancer in 2004. After many surgeries, chemo rounds and radiation, she passed in 2016.
It certainly crossed my mind many times, but I was raising our kid .
My secretary understood and took care of my physical & emotional needs that enabled me to stay as the caretaker.

Did you reward your secretary?

yes, very well. She now lives far away & is very well taken care of-- we still keep in touch

boy, are there angry, bitter and jealous folks around here!

Was your wife happy with this arrangement?

He probably thonks she didn't know. Its more likely that she was too damn sick to argue.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:my wife was diagnosed with colon cancer in 2004. After many surgeries, chemo rounds and radiation, she passed in 2016.
It certainly crossed my mind many times, but I was raising our kid .
My secretary understood and took care of my physical & emotional needs that enabled me to stay as the caretaker.

Did you reward your secretary?

yes, very well. She now lives far away & is very well taken care of-- we still keep in touch

boy, are there angry, bitter and jealous folks around here!

Was your wife happy with this arrangement?

His wife was probably ok with the arrangement.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:my wife was diagnosed with colon cancer in 2004. After many surgeries, chemo rounds and radiation, she passed in 2016.
It certainly crossed my mind many times, but I was raising our kid .
My secretary understood and took care of my physical & emotional needs that enabled me to stay as the caretaker.

I'm not surprised that you considered divorcing her while on and off sick. You are a man. We see this all the time. Men are apparently incapable of of putting somebody before themselves.

PP, I am a woman and my husband has an incurable disease. Please speak with some compassion. You don't know what it is like to be a long term caregiver.

You really don't know, unless you've been there.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:my wife was diagnosed with colon cancer in 2004. After many surgeries, chemo rounds and radiation, she passed in 2016.
It certainly crossed my mind many times, but I was raising our kid .
My secretary understood and took care of my physical & emotional needs that enabled me to stay as the caretaker.

Did you reward your secretary?

yes, very well. She now lives far away & is very well taken care of-- we still keep in touch

boy, are there angry, bitter and jealous folks around here!

Was your wife happy with this arrangement?

His wife was probably ok with the arrangement.

I was in this same situation and my spouse insisted that I make such an arrangement. It worked out amazingly well.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:my wife was diagnosed with colon cancer in 2004. After many surgeries, chemo rounds and radiation, she passed in 2016.
It certainly crossed my mind many times, but I was raising our kid .
My secretary understood and took care of my physical & emotional needs that enabled me to stay as the caretaker.

Did you reward your secretary?

yes, very well. She now lives far away & is very well taken care of-- we still keep in touch

boy, are there angry, bitter and jealous folks around here!

Was your wife happy with this arrangement?

Mathis is so gross. I was just caring for my DH with cancer and I cherished every moment with him- sick or not. I was never off bopping my secretary or the mailman or whatever. What a gross man you are.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:my wife was diagnosed with colon cancer in 2004. After many surgeries, chemo rounds and radiation, she passed in 2016.
It certainly crossed my mind many times, but I was raising our kid .
My secretary understood and took care of my physical & emotional needs that enabled me to stay as the caretaker.

Did you reward your secretary?

yes, very well. She now lives far away & is very well taken care of-- we still keep in touch

boy, are there angry, bitter and jealous folks around here!

Was your wife happy with this arrangement?

His wife was probably ok with the arrangement.

I was in this same situation and my spouse insisted that I make such an arrangement. It worked out amazingly well.

No way.
Gross.


Please disclose this to anyone you date in the future so that they know what kind of person you really are.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:my wife was diagnosed with colon cancer in 2004. After many surgeries, chemo rounds and radiation, she passed in 2016.
It certainly crossed my mind many times, but I was raising our kid .
My secretary understood and took care of my physical & emotional needs that enabled me to stay as the caretaker.

That's pretty horrible to cheat on your wife. You sound selfish, not selfless.

you have no clue what a 12 year caregiver goes through, you sound naive & judgemental.

Plenty of us do know. He sucks.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:my wife was diagnosed with colon cancer in 2004. After many surgeries, chemo rounds and radiation, she passed in 2016.
It certainly crossed my mind many times, but I was raising our kid .
My secretary understood and took care of my physical & emotional needs that enabled me to stay as the caretaker.

Did you reward your secretary?

yes, very well. She now lives far away & is very well taken care of-- we still keep in touch

boy, are there angry, bitter and jealous folks around here!

Was your wife happy with this arrangement?

His wife was probably ok with the arrangement.

I was in this same situation and my spouse insisted that I make such an arrangement. It worked out amazingly well.

No way.
Gross.


Please disclose this to anyone you date in the future so that they know what kind of person you really are.

I have. I'm a great person. No one I've dated has a problem with it.

[Anonymous]

I believe in, the vows of "in sickness and in health".
Ultimately it's your life and how you choose to deal with a dying spouse. But lets not fool ourself by calling it a gray area. Instead it's being a weasel.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I believe in, the vows of "in sickness and in health".
Ultimately it's your life and how you choose to deal with a dying spouse. But lets not fool ourself by calling it a gray area. Instead it's being a weasel.

May it never happen to you. I hope you find the strength of your convictions if it does.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I believe in, the vows of "in sickness and in health".
Ultimately it's your life and how you choose to deal with a dying spouse. But lets not fool ourself by calling it a gray area. Instead it's being a weasel.

My vows did not say change your diaper.

Nor does my H want me to do that. It actually is something a trained professional should do.

If I hurt myself trying to move him from chair to bed my grandchildren will lose 2 grandparents.

You are the selfish one that you can’t let you spouse live with dignity while you are sick.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:my wife was diagnosed with colon cancer in 2004. After many surgeries, chemo rounds and radiation, she passed in 2016.
It certainly crossed my mind many times, but I was raising our kid .
My secretary understood and took care of my physical & emotional needs that enabled me to stay as the caretaker.

Did you reward your secretary?

yes, very well. She now lives far away & is very well taken care of-- we still keep in touch

boy, are there angry, bitter and jealous folks around here!

Was your wife happy with this arrangement?

His wife was probably ok with the arrangement.

I was in this same situation and my spouse insisted that I make such an arrangement. It worked out amazingly well.

No way.
Gross.


Please disclose this to anyone you date in the future so that they know what kind of person you really are.

I have. I'm a great person. No one I've dated has a problem with it.

My sons friend’s Mom died and the dad brought his pregnant girlfriend to the funeral.

You remind me of him.

[Anonymous]

I guess it would depend. I know a few people that had to stay with their on/off cheating spouse. In those cases if the cheater got sick I would use that time to enjoy my life. Otherwise, one should be there for their spouse sickness or health. Yes that includes changing their diapers...or hiring someone if need be.