ill spouse

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Question: If you got married but then your spouse got ill with an incurable disease....is it understandable to leave that spouse in any capacity?

I do not want to judge because I have never had to deal with this myself but something that happened to a family member.

Basically you are in a lifetime sentence of caretaking and never being able to fully live out YOUR own life or the LIFE you imagine with a healthy spouse.


Any thoughts?

Dr. Laura has spoken about this at great length. If it's a lifetime sentence, she highly advocates hiring in help. And for Alzheimers issues, she feels it's MORE dangerous to have that person at home with you.

I don't have a long-term situation but I am always caretaking something ALL THE TIME and feel my family uses me to make their lives easier - and I've let myself be used. 20 years later, I am so burned out from it that I'm getting depressed, angry and anxious. It's just not healthy to allow yourself to be used.

[Anonymous]

I'm the one with advanced multiple sclerosis and I have kept it all together for my DC. It doesn't "do something to your personality" that is toxic - whoever wrote that and suggesting that is common is advancing stigma. Shame on you.

It is difficult to be exhausted and in severe pain every hour of the day. But having family who count on you gives you a reason to keep going.

I divorced my ex because he was lazy, selfish, and added huge burdens to my life.

It is hard knowing that I have no backup, but I have created a non-family village of backup that have provided us with more support than he ever did. There is no excuse for selfish and lazy behavior, but it is extremely toxi to perpetuate a false stereotype that it is the "ill spouse" who created more problems. There is no pattern. (Other than men are statistically more likely to dump an ill spouse, according to several international studies.)

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:my wife was diagnosed with colon cancer in 2004. After many surgeries, chemo rounds and radiation, she passed in 2016.
It certainly crossed my mind many times, but I was raising our kid .
My secretary understood and took care of my physical & emotional needs that enabled me to stay as the caretaker.

I support this.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:To just abandon a spouse when they become ill is selfish and horrible.

Citation: The 21% of men who leave their cancer-ridden wives (vs. 3% of women who leave their husbands)
https://well.blogs.nytimes.com/2009/11/12/men-more-likely-to-leave-spouse-with-cancer/

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Geez. I’m the single childless poster who posted about in sickness and in health. I’m a 43 year old female and my boyfriend (and most of the guys who tend to ask me out) and mid to late forties. Should I just not get married? This thread is making me think maybe so! I have a pretty good net worth (around five million) and this thread is making me think my husband would just ditch me if I got sick and suck up all my resources if he gets sick.

Yep. Don't marry. Don't get sick.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:my wife was diagnosed with colon cancer in 2004. After many surgeries, chemo rounds and radiation, she passed in 2016.
It certainly crossed my mind many times, but I was raising our kid .
My secretary understood and took care of my physical & emotional needs that enabled me to stay as the caretaker.

I'm not surprised that you considered divorcing her while on and off sick. You are a man. We see this all the time. Men are apparently incapable of of putting somebody before themselves.

PP, I am a woman and my husband has an incurable disease. Please speak with some compassion. You don't know what it is like to be a long term caregiver.

You really don't know, unless you've been there.

It's true. The stress is unreal!

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Question: If you got married but then your spouse got ill with an incurable disease....is it understandable to leave that spouse in any capacity?

I do not want to judge because I have never had to deal with this myself but something that happened to a family member.

Basically you are in a lifetime sentence of caretaking and never being able to fully live out YOUR own life or the LIFE you imagine with a healthy spouse.


Any thoughts?

Theres no true love then. This person whose terminally would feel deeply upset and feel like she haas no support. It’s just so messed up for someone do dismiss the one they married and carry on with their lives

That is total BS

They have support from their spouse and a caregiver.

Nobody is abandoning their spouse.

But the sick spouse needs to allow the healthy spouse to get help and have a life.

These people just don't get it. Nobody abandons their spouse. But the caregiver has a right to comfort too. If he/she finds comfort with a compassionate friend/lover, then they should get it.
It would also be very selfish of the ill spouse not to let them have some love and support.

Apparently 21% of men DO abandon their spouses.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Just divorce.

I would in a heartbeat, but for the kids. I don’t want the burden of caring for him to fall on them. They have their own lives to live.

I am sorry. How old are your kids, PP?

They are in high school - the older one is graduating next year, the younger is a junior.

Hang in there! I hope you have good friends and family to support you.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Question: If you got married but then your spouse got ill with an incurable disease....is it understandable to leave that spouse in any capacity?

I do not want to judge because I have never had to deal with this myself but something that happened to a family member.

Basically you are in a lifetime sentence of caretaking and never being able to fully live out YOUR own life or the LIFE you imagine with a healthy spouse.


Any thoughts?

Dr. Laura has spoken about this at great length. If it's a lifetime sentence, she highly advocates hiring in help. And for Alzheimers issues, she feels it's MORE dangerous to have that person at home with you.

I don't have a long-term situation but I am always caretaking something ALL THE TIME and feel my family uses me to make their lives easier - and I've let myself be used. 20 years later, I am so burned out from it that I'm getting depressed, angry and anxious. It's just not healthy to allow yourself to be used.

Sadly the stress of taking care of family, shouldering normal life and the additional worries that caregiving brings cannot be outsourced to hired help.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Question: If you got married but then your spouse got ill with an incurable disease....is it understandable to leave that spouse in any capacity?

I do not want to judge because I have never had to deal with this myself but something that happened to a family member.

Basically you are in a lifetime sentence of caretaking and never being able to fully live out YOUR own life or the LIFE you imagine with a healthy spouse.


Any thoughts?

Dr. Laura has spoken about this at great length. If it's a lifetime sentence, she highly advocates hiring in help. And for Alzheimers issues, she feels it's MORE dangerous to have that person at home with you.

I don't have a long-term situation but I am always caretaking something ALL THE TIME and feel my family uses me to make their lives easier - and I've let myself be used. 20 years later, I am so burned out from it that I'm getting depressed, angry and anxious. It's just not healthy to allow yourself to be used.

How convenient. That's her recommendation, huh? Wow, that's helpful. Does she recommend I hire someone to mow the lawn and take care of everything else too? Not everyone can hire that kind of help. I did hire in-home nursing but they will only do so much and it's not cheap.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:my wife was diagnosed with colon cancer in 2004. After many surgeries, chemo rounds and radiation, she passed in 2016.
It certainly crossed my mind many times, but I was raising our kid .
My secretary understood and took care of my physical & emotional needs that enabled me to stay as the caretaker.

I'm not surprised that you considered divorcing her while on and off sick. You are a man. We see this all the time. Men are apparently incapable of of putting somebody before themselves.

PP, I am a woman and my husband has an incurable disease. Please speak with some compassion. You don't know what it is like to be a long term caregiver.

You really don't know, unless you've been there.

It's true. The stress is unreal!

How do you support your ill spouse while you feel you are drowning yourself under the stress of caring for the kids, yourself, holding a job, managing your household, all without support from your family?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:my wife was diagnosed with colon cancer in 2004. After many surgeries, chemo rounds and radiation, she passed in 2016.
It certainly crossed my mind many times, but I was raising our kid .
My secretary understood and took care of my physical & emotional needs that enabled me to stay as the caretaker.

I'm not surprised that you considered divorcing her while on and off sick. You are a man. We see this all the time. Men are apparently incapable of of putting somebody before themselves.

PP, I am a woman and my husband has an incurable disease. Please speak with some compassion. You don't know what it is like to be a long term caregiver.

You really don't know, unless you've been there.

It's true. The stress is unreal!

How do you support your ill spouse while you feel you are drowning yourself under the stress of caring for the kids, yourself, holding a job, managing your household, all without support from your family?

You do your best and live a life of quiet desperation.

That's what I do, anyway.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:my wife was diagnosed with colon cancer in 2004. After many surgeries, chemo rounds and radiation, she passed in 2016.
It certainly crossed my mind many times, but I was raising our kid .
My secretary understood and took care of my physical & emotional needs that enabled me to stay as the caretaker.

I'm not surprised that you considered divorcing her while on and off sick. You are a man. We see this all the time. Men are apparently incapable of of putting somebody before themselves.

PP, I am a woman and my husband has an incurable disease. Please speak with some compassion. You don't know what it is like to be a long term caregiver.

You really don't know, unless you've been there.

It's true. The stress is unreal!

How do you support your ill spouse while you feel you are drowning yourself under the stress of caring for the kids, yourself, holding a job, managing your household, all without support from your family?

You do your best and live a life of quiet desperation.

That's what I do, anyway.

Thanks. Some days I accept that this limbo is my life forever. Other days I am crushed by the weight of it all.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:my wife was diagnosed with colon cancer in 2004. After many surgeries, chemo rounds and radiation, she passed in 2016.
It certainly crossed my mind many times, but I was raising our kid .
My secretary understood and took care of my physical & emotional needs that enabled me to stay as the caretaker.

I'm not surprised that you considered divorcing her while on and off sick. You are a man. We see this all the time. Men are apparently incapable of of putting somebody before themselves.

PP, I am a woman and my husband has an incurable disease. Please speak with some compassion. You don't know what it is like to be a long term caregiver.

You really don't know, unless you've been there.

It's true. The stress is unreal!

How do you support your ill spouse while you feel you are drowning yourself under the stress of caring for the kids, yourself, holding a job, managing your household, all without support from your family?

You do your best and live a life of quiet desperation.

That's what I do, anyway.

Thanks. Some days I accept that this limbo is my life forever. Other days I am crushed by the weight of it all.

I completely understand. It sucks.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:my wife was diagnosed with colon cancer in 2004. After many surgeries, chemo rounds and radiation, she passed in 2016.
It certainly crossed my mind many times, but I was raising our kid .
My secretary understood and took care of my physical & emotional needs that enabled me to stay as the caretaker.

I'm not surprised that you considered divorcing her while on and off sick. You are a man. We see this all the time. Men are apparently incapable of of putting somebody before themselves.

PP, I am a woman and my husband has an incurable disease. Please speak with some compassion. You don't know what it is like to be a long term caregiver.

You really don't know, unless you've been there.

It's true. The stress is unreal!

How do you support your ill spouse while you feel you are drowning yourself under the stress of caring for the kids, yourself, holding a job, managing your household, all without support from your family?

You do your best and live a life of quiet desperation.

That's what I do, anyway.

Thanks. Some days I accept that this limbo is my life forever. Other days I am crushed by the weight of it all.

I completely understand. It sucks.

+1. Except on top of caring for the kids, holding a job, and managing my household without support from family, I am also fighting a severe, disabling chronic disease.

I am regularly in so much pain that I pray to die, at the same time that I pray to live because who will care for my kids if I die.