ill spouse

[Anonymous]

My exH has this attitude. He became abusive to me while I was struggling with a high risk pregnancy that limited my ability to work. We divorced. A few years ago, he remarried a woman who could not deal with his diagnosis. She left him. Now he’s twice divorced over this attitude.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:DH carries the genetics for a terminal degenerative illness with a fairly long decline (10+ years). Many people in his family have it but there's no way of knowing if or when he will be symptomatic. Before marriage, we talked about what would happen if he became ill. We would stay together until he was no longer capable of managing his illness himself. At that point, he would want to be put in a care facility.

It took dh's dad 20 years to die after symptom onset. The first 10 years were manageable, the next 5 were bad, and the last 5 were miserable. He saw how the toll that caring for his father inflicted on his mother and family in general. He doesn't want that for me or our children.

Why marry then if he sees it as such a terrible fate?

[Anonymous]

Is it understandable? Yes. Is it kinda messed up too? Also yes.

My college boyfriend's father was married to a lady (wife #2) with MS. He had an affair and bailed once she started having more bad days than good days. Better hope wife #3 remains hale and hearty!

[Anonymous]

This has happened to someone very close to me. Prior to watching this up close I would have said no, vows are vows etc. That was a bunch of unrealistic romantic idiocy on my part.

Now all of us who are close are desperate for her to leave him. His anger over his chronic illness has made him abusive. He screams at her if she doesn't jump when he says jump. Her children are traumatized from living with a father who has no ability to control his anger. She is exhausted all the time from doing literally everything. If she stays with him, I think he may outlive her because the stress of living with him is making her ill.

After living this closely for years (including caring for their kids to get them away from their ill father for periods of time, to give them breaks), my own DH and I have talked about it and we have essentially given each other exit options if we get in the same position. I would never want to put my DH through what I have seen.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:
My mother developed multiple sclerosis at 26, a few years after she started seeing my father. He has been taking good care of her for the past 44 years.

Here's the thing with debilitating chronic disease: it does something to the patient. They need to psychologically protect themselves from the fact that they are a burden to their caretakers. So they can become self-centered, demanding, and unwilling to sympathize with their caretakers' troubles. This is an unconscious and natural development, but it can be tough to manage.

You’ve posted this before. Can you point to the reputable sources that say this, or is this what you observed in a handful of situations you have personally encountered?

I haven't looked for sources, truthfully. I've observed this in all the people with handicapping chronic illnesses, and I am convinced it happens in the great majority of cases. It's inevitable, really, and I'm not judging.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:
My mother developed multiple sclerosis at 26, a few years after she started seeing my father. He has been taking good care of her for the past 44 years.

Here's the thing with debilitating chronic disease: it does something to the patient. They need to psychologically protect themselves from the fact that they are a burden to their caretakers. So they can become self-centered, demanding, and unwilling to sympathize with their caretakers' troubles. This is an unconscious and natural development, but it can be tough to manage.

You’ve posted this before. Can you point to the reputable sources that say this, or is this what you observed in a handful of situations you have personally encountered?

I haven't looked for sources, truthfully. I've observed this in all the people with handicapping chronic illnesses, and I am convinced it happens in the great majority of cases. It's inevitable, really, and I'm not judging.

That I know, obviously! Yes, it does make it anecdotal.

[Anonymous]

My H are not selfish so we both agree that when the other become too ill to care for the sick spouse will go to a care facility. We will make sure the other is cared for but not do the caring for.

I think it is selfish to expect a spouse to be a nurse. Love, honor and cherish, not become a nurse. Just like I did not vow to be a cook and he did not vow to fix things around the house.

I would love if he visited me but even that can become a burden. I have watched it happen with friends.

We do not want to take away our ability to provide time, love and energy to our children. I would rather my H spend his efforts with his children and grandchildren.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:
My mother developed multiple sclerosis at 26, a few years after she started seeing my father. He has been taking good care of her for the past 44 years.

Here's the thing with debilitating chronic disease: it does something to the patient. They need to psychologically protect themselves from the fact that they are a burden to their caretakers. So they can become self-centered, demanding, and unwilling to sympathize with their caretakers' troubles. This is an unconscious and natural development, but it can be tough to manage.

You’ve posted this before. Can you point to the reputable sources that say this, or is this what you observed in a handful of situations you have personally encountered?

I haven't looked for sources, truthfully. I've observed this in all the people with handicapping chronic illnesses, and I am convinced it happens in the great majority of cases. It's inevitable, really, and I'm not judging.

That I know, obviously! Yes, it does make it anecdotal.

DP. I have seen a similar pattern.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:
My mother developed multiple sclerosis at 26, a few years after she started seeing my father. He has been taking good care of her for the past 44 years.

Here's the thing with debilitating chronic disease: it does something to the patient. They need to psychologically protect themselves from the fact that they are a burden to their caretakers. So they can become self-centered, demanding, and unwilling to sympathize with their caretakers' troubles. This is an unconscious and natural development, but it can be tough to manage.

You’ve posted this before. Can you point to the reputable sources that say this, or is this what you observed in a handful of situations you have personally encountered?

I haven't looked for sources, truthfully. I've observed this in all the people with handicapping chronic illnesses, and I am convinced it happens in the great majority of cases. It's inevitable, really, and I'm not judging.

And what are your psychology credentials?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Question: If you got married but then your spouse got ill with an incurable disease....is it understandable to leave that spouse in any capacity?

I do not want to judge because I have never had to deal with this myself but something that happened to a family member.

Basically you are in a lifetime sentence of caretaking and never being able to fully live out YOUR own life or the LIFE you imagine with a healthy spouse.


Any thoughts?

Cancer survivor here, which means my odds of cancer again are increased. It has always crossed my mind if men wouldn't marry me because they would be afraid of what the future would hold. I wouldn't be with someone who had any feelings like you are expressing, the "OMG I'd be a caretaker", like that's not the right mindset to have. You and your spouse take care of each in different throughout life, that's a marriage. You love someone and marry someone in sickness and in health, not just health and then kick them to the curb.

[Anonymous]

I noticed that when that whole Ashley Madison thing came out a bunch of men married to cancer survivors were on it. Which makes them especially sick in my opinion.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:DH carries the genetics for a terminal degenerative illness with a fairly long decline (10+ years). Many people in his family have it but there's no way of knowing if or when he will be symptomatic. Before marriage, we talked about what would happen if he became ill. We would stay together until he was no longer capable of managing his illness himself. At that point, he would want to be put in a care facility.

It took dh's dad 20 years to die after symptom onset. The first 10 years were manageable, the next 5 were bad, and the last 5 were miserable. He saw how the toll that caring for his father inflicted on his mother and family in general. He doesn't want that for me or our children.

Why marry then if he sees it as such a terrible fate?

There's a possibility that he might not become symptomatic. Even if he did, it wouldn't be until the later side of middle age. We would have had many happy years together by then.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Question: If you got married but then your spouse got ill with an incurable disease....is it understandable to leave that spouse in any capacity?

I do not want to judge because I have never had to deal with this myself but something that happened to a family member.

Basically you are in a lifetime sentence of caretaking and never being able to fully live out YOUR own life or the LIFE you imagine with a healthy spouse.


Any thoughts?

Cancer survivor here, which means my odds of cancer again are increased. It has always crossed my mind if men wouldn't marry me because they would be afraid of what the future would hold. I wouldn't be with someone who had any feelings like you are expressing, the "OMG I'd be a caretaker", like that's not the right mindset to have. You and your spouse take care of each in different throughout life, that's a marriage. You love someone and marry someone in sickness and in health, not just health and then kick them to the curb.

From what I have seen of the borderline or sometimes outright abusive treatment of caregivers, in sickness and in health is often used to justify horrific behavior to caregiver spouses. I don't believe it any more.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Question: If you got married but then your spouse got ill with an incurable disease....is it understandable to leave that spouse in any capacity?

I do not want to judge because I have never had to deal with this myself but something that happened to a family member.

Basically you are in a lifetime sentence of caretaking and never being able to fully live out YOUR own life or the LIFE you imagine with a healthy spouse.


Any thoughts?

Cancer survivor here, which means my odds of cancer again are increased. It has always crossed my mind if men wouldn't marry me because they would be afraid of what the future would hold. I wouldn't be with someone who had any feelings like you are expressing, the "OMG I'd be a caretaker", like that's not the right mindset to have. You and your spouse take care of each in different throughout life, that's a marriage. You love someone and marry someone in sickness and in health, not just health and then kick them to the curb.

As a cancer survivor I would expect you to have a plan in place so your new partner would not become a caregiver and bankrupt single parent.

You know what your situation is and you need to plan for the future.

I know many people who married somebody with a condition they did not disclose or plan for before the marriage and I would say they entered the marriage under false pretenses.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Question: If you got married but then your spouse got ill with an incurable disease....is it understandable to leave that spouse in any capacity?

I do not want to judge because I have never had to deal with this myself but something that happened to a family member.

Basically you are in a lifetime sentence of caretaking and never being able to fully live out YOUR own life or the LIFE you imagine with a healthy spouse.


Any thoughts?

Cancer survivor here, which means my odds of cancer again are increased. It has always crossed my mind if men wouldn't marry me because they would be afraid of what the future would hold. I wouldn't be with someone who had any feelings like you are expressing, the "OMG I'd be a caretaker", like that's not the right mindset to have. You and your spouse take care of each in different throughout life, that's a marriage. You love someone and marry someone in sickness and in health, not just health and then kick them to the curb.

As a cancer survivor I would expect you to have a plan in place so your new partner would not become a caregiver and bankrupt single parent.

You know what your situation is and you need to plan for the future.

I know many people who married somebody with a condition they did not disclose or plan for before the marriage and I would say they entered the marriage under false pretenses.

NP. You know “many” people in this situation? That seems unlikely. Most people are thoughtful about these things.