ill spouse

[Anonymous]

Question: If you got married but then your spouse got ill with an incurable disease....is it understandable to leave that spouse in any capacity?

I do not want to judge because I have never had to deal with this myself but something that happened to a family member.

Basically you are in a lifetime sentence of caretaking and never being able to fully live out YOUR own life or the LIFE you imagine with a healthy spouse.


Any thoughts?

[Anonymous]

I made traditional vows to love, honor and cherish in sickness and in health. I’ve always thought that meant life-limiting illness.

I do believe that there are dealbreakers in marriage (abuse, adulterous, etc.), but those are choices that your partner makes. Illness isn’t a choice.

[Anonymous]

what monster would do that! No!

[Anonymous]

My mother developed multiple sclerosis at 26, a few years after she started seeing my father. He has been taking good care of her for the past 44 years.

Here's the thing with debilitating chronic disease: it does something to the patient. They need to psychologically protect themselves from the fact that they are a burden to their caretakers. So they can become self-centered, demanding, and unwilling to sympathize with their caretakers' troubles. This is an unconscious and natural development, but it can be tough to manage.

[Anonymous]

I’ve always been honest with my H about this, even before we were married, because he’s ten years older than me and health issues run in his family. Long term or debilitating illness is a deal breaker me.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I’ve always been honest with my H about this, even before we were married, because he’s ten years older than me and health issues run in his family. Long term or debilitating illness is a deal breaker me.

so you would abandon him if he were to become ill? do you have children? does he feel the same about you?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I’ve always been honest with my H about this, even before we were married, because he’s ten years older than me and health issues run in his family. Long term or debilitating illness is a deal breaker me.

well at least you're being honest with him about it, this way he can be prepared.

[Anonymous]

http://www.nbcnews.com/id/33832513/ns/health-cancer/t/men-more-likely-leave-spouse-who-has-cancer/
There was an interesting study showing that men leave sick spouses more often compared to women.

[Anonymous]

My dad had an accident at work when my siblings and I were younger that left him disabled. It pretty much turned my mom into a single parent because he couldn't drive, run errands, stand long enough to cook, etc.

I remember relatives saying how strong she was to stay with him and blah, blah when I was a kid. I didn't really get it then, of course, nor did I get it as I was an older teen or young adult. It wasn't until I was married that I really realized what a big sacrifice that was and how selfless she was. I mean, 95% of our family vacations when we were kids was us being sent with my aunt & uncle while my mom remained at home with my dad. She never went and did things that he couldn't also do with the exception of going to school events and then it was to record it for him. However, I think the years of being selfless led to resentment now that she's older because she's still having to work in her late 60s and she talks about how she'll never have the retirement she dreamed of with him.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:My dad had an accident at work when my siblings and I were younger that left him disabled. It pretty much turned my mom into a single parent because he couldn't drive, run errands, stand long enough to cook, etc.

I remember relatives saying how strong she was to stay with him and blah, blah when I was a kid. I didn't really get it then, of course, nor did I get it as I was an older teen or young adult. It wasn't until I was married that I really realized what a big sacrifice that was and how selfless she was. I mean, 95% of our family vacations when we were kids was us being sent with my aunt & uncle while my mom remained at home with my dad. She never went and did things that he couldn't also do with the exception of going to school events and then it was to record it for him. However, I think the years of being selfless led to resentment now that she's older because she's still having to work in her late 60s and she talks about how she'll never have the retirement she dreamed of with him.

this makes me sad. sad for your mom, your dad and your whole family.

there is really no right answer to this question

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:
My mother developed multiple sclerosis at 26, a few years after she started seeing my father. He has been taking good care of her for the past 44 years.

Here's the thing with debilitating chronic disease: it does something to the patient. They need to psychologically protect themselves from the fact that they are a burden to their caretakers. So they can become self-centered, demanding, and unwilling to sympathize with their caretakers' troubles. This is an unconscious and natural development, but it can be tough to manage.

You’ve posted this before. Can you point to the reputable sources that say this, or is this what you observed in a handful of situations you have personally encountered?

[Anonymous]

For those who decide they won’t stay with a sick spouse, what do you do with a disabled child?

[Anonymous]

If your spouse has an illness and won't seek treatment (e.g. mental illness, alcoholism) I'd say you are justified in divorcing.

[Anonymous]

Men have a high rate of leaving spouses with terminal cancer, while even ex-wives will go back and provide care for the terminally ill former spouse. I think there is a gender difference in views to providing care. But no, until death do we part is very real.

[Anonymous]

DH carries the genetics for a terminal degenerative illness with a fairly long decline (10+ years). Many people in his family have it but there's no way of knowing if or when he will be symptomatic. Before marriage, we talked about what would happen if he became ill. We would stay together until he was no longer capable of managing his illness himself. At that point, he would want to be put in a care facility.

It took dh's dad 20 years to die after symptom onset. The first 10 years were manageable, the next 5 were bad, and the last 5 were miserable. He saw how the toll that caring for his father inflicted on his mother and family in general. He doesn't want that for me or our children.