Stuck between Mom & Wife Planning

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:If you had said "we always visit my family the last weekend in July but DW made plans" fine. That is on her.
But to come here and whine that you celebrate your dad's birthday sometime around the 29th but you never really know when because your mom never really tells you and expect your DW to just block off several weekends in the hopes your mom will eventually invite you guys and tell you the date? No way.

So, either have a standing weekend with your parents (whether it works for brother or not) and go visit with or without your brother or know that without better communication and solid plans your DW and kids will likely find something fun to do and that just needs to be OK.

No way would I expect my DH to block off weekends 'just in case' my family wants to invite us to a celebration they only seem to care if my sibling goes to. You have a narc family and victim mentality OP. Regular people INVITE others well in advance and don't demand and expect weekends be kept open to be notified at a moments notice someone expects you to visit them.

+1. I'm also interested in an update. Any relationship that could be ruined by having a conversation about your feelings, standards, and expectations wasn't really stable to begin with and certainly not enough to warrant investing much time, energy, or effort in or risking harming positive relations with someone else (ex: wife's friend in OP's situation).

FWIW, I'll bet the plans the wife made were an accident and/or she doesn't enjoy being around his family. If his family cared, they'd give them more of a heads-up rather than power-tripping with the last-minute invitations and I think all of this might apply to OP's situation as well. If you miss it this year and they actually want you there, they should respect your time enough to give an earlier invitation. If I was the wife, I wouldn't cancel my plans at all and neither would I let DH take DC.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I've never heard of celebrating adult people's birthdays. Unless it's a big milestone, like 100. Why don't you just swap holidays between families, like normal people?

You all don’t celebrate your own parents’ birthdays? And they don’t celebrate yours?

I’m surprised at that. We don’t celebrate random people’s birthdays, but we do celebrate with our parents on their birthdays and they do the same for ours, if we are geographically close enough. I just can’t imagine not making an effort for the people who raised me and the people who raised my spouse.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Wife here and a planner. Your wife knows your Dad’s Birthday and that you celebrate it annually. She deliberately made plans so she didn’t have to go and is trying to control the kids as well with the friend’s son. I simply would tell her she didn’t clear the plans with you so you’ll be taking the kids on Sunday morning/mid-afternoon to their Grandpa’s and her friend’s kid will simply have to be entertained by his mother and your wife. She can explain to her friend what happened. Then, have a conversation with your wife about not making assumptions regarding your schedule or your kids and to check with you.

I agree with this and I am a wife. Your wife knew what she was doing. She is angry that your mom does not give you much notice. She can either change her plans or let you take the kids.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Wife here and a planner. Your wife knows your Dad’s Birthday and that you celebrate it annually. She deliberately made plans so she didn’t have to go and is trying to control the kids as well with the friend’s son. I simply would tell her she didn’t clear the plans with you so you’ll be taking the kids on Sunday morning/mid-afternoon to their Grandpa’s and her friend’s kid will simply have to be entertained by his mother and your wife. She can explain to her friend what happened. Then, have a conversation with your wife about not making assumptions regarding your schedule or your kids and to check with you.

I agree with this and I am a wife. Your wife knew what she was doing. She is angry that your mom does not give you much notice. She can either change her plans or let you take the kids.

No, why should she give up spending time with her kids just because her MIL has a potential weekend she likes to celebrate her husband's birthday but refuses to ever tell anyone?
No. If you want my kids and/or me to come. Then plan and INVITE us.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I've never heard of celebrating adult people's birthdays. Unless it's a big milestone, like 100. Why don't you just swap holidays between families, like normal people?

You all don’t celebrate your own parents’ birthdays? And they don’t celebrate yours?

I’m surprised at that. We don’t celebrate random people’s birthdays, but we do celebrate with our parents on their birthdays and they do the same for ours, if we are geographically close enough. I just can’t imagine not making an effort for the people who raised me and the people who raised my spouse.

We're adults. We may get together for a golden birthday or a special 75th but like the 83rd? No.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I've never heard of celebrating adult people's birthdays. Unless it's a big milestone, like 100. Why don't you just swap holidays between families, like normal people?

You all don’t celebrate your own parents’ birthdays? And they don’t celebrate yours?

I’m surprised at that. We don’t celebrate random people’s birthdays, but we do celebrate with our parents on their birthdays and they do the same for ours, if we are geographically close enough. I just can’t imagine not making an effort for the people who raised me and the people who raised my spouse.

NP. No. I send my parents a gift and a card, but there's no celebration. If they're in town we do celebrate or take them out to dinner. It was my birthday this past weekend and I got mailed cards. I celebrated with my friends and my kids/dh.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Wife here and a planner. Your wife knows your Dad’s Birthday and that you celebrate it annually. She deliberately made plans so she didn’t have to go and is trying to control the kids as well with the friend’s son. I simply would tell her she didn’t clear the plans with you so you’ll be taking the kids on Sunday morning/mid-afternoon to their Grandpa’s and her friend’s kid will simply have to be entertained by his mother and your wife. She can explain to her friend what happened. Then, have a conversation with your wife about not making assumptions regarding your schedule or your kids and to check with you.

I agree with this and I am a wife. Your wife knew what she was doing. She is angry that your mom does not give you much notice. She can either change her plans or let you take the kids.

No, why should she give up spending time with her kids just because her MIL has a potential weekend she likes to celebrate her husband's birthday but refuses to ever tell anyone?
No. If you want my kids and/or me to come. Then plan and INVITE us.

i'm with you, [phone]

[Anonymous]

I am baffled by the people who feel the MIL is in the right on this and the DW should drop everything to cater to the party demands.

IF the MIL truly wanted this family invited to this celebration she would have contacted them far in advance. IF she wants others to keep a weekend free for celebrations than she needs to determine what weekend that is like the "3rd Saturday in July" will be FIL BDay weekend. Even then though that does not mean no other plans can ever ever be made.

Families change, family needs change, kids join sports or camps or work comes up, another parent is in the hospital, or a friend from Europe is only in town that week, there are a million things that come up.

It is quite clear that the MIL does not really want this family at the celebration. She just wants to b!tch when they can't make it.
The OP appears to be scared to stand up to his mom, initiate any conversation about the upcoming OMG best party of the year that they just can't miss and feels less favored than his brother.
There are clearly family issues that he doesn't to address and would rather make his DW out to be this horrible person who "GASP" planned something (on a free weekend since MIL had not yet confirmed the date) for the kids to do and informed him of it! The NERVE!!!! Didn't she KNOW his MOMMY would be calling to give the usual 24 hour notice that the family must attend her party.
Is she the Queen of England?

[Anonymous]

If the birthday celebration was important, then invitations should've been sent at least a month in advance, especially if there people living different states, etc. Also, it's just rude to expect other people to keep multiple weekends open as they don't have their own lives or things going on. It's not respectful of people's time.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:tell your mom that all of you can't make it because they already have plans but that you can be there if she wants. and to next time give you more of a heads up. The 29th is a Thursday, so why couldn't his bday acknowledgement happen the previous weekend (is THIS weekend).

29th was a Monday, not Thursday.

But OP, why not your wife and kids go to her parents on Saturday. You go on Sunday to her parents' house, pick up the kids and head out to your parents'. 45 minutes is not that much of a drive. Even if it takes you an hour and a half, it isn't much of a drive when you do it just once a year.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:tell your mom that all of you can't make it because they already have plans but that you can be there if she wants. and to next time give you more of a heads up. The 29th is a Thursday, so why couldn't his bday acknowledgement happen the previous weekend (is THIS weekend).

29th was a Monday, not Thursday.

But OP, why not your wife and kids go to her parents on Saturday. You go on Sunday to her parents' house, pick up the kids and head out to your parents'. 45 minutes is not that much of a drive. Even if it takes you an hour and a half, it isn't much of a drive when you do it just once a year.

Because that makes logical sense and OP wants to villainize his wife. The fact that a grown man can't ask his mom when his dad's party will be celebrated because, you know, most adults PLAN things before the day of; tells you everything you need to know about him.

I take it his mom is very controlling and becomes upset if ever questioned about anything.

[Anonymous]

OP any update?