Stuck between Mom & Wife Planning

[vtbigdog]

OK, I need some help on this...

My father's birthday weekend is usually around the 29th and it is the one time we usually book out to visit them on a regular basis (usually just a day trip). We do not do much with my family and do a lot with her family.

My wife goes ahead and invites her friend to go to her parent's house for that weekend without asking me. It is the weekend we usually go to my parents for a day to celebrate my dad's birthday. However, my mom never plans this out with us and expects us to automatically show up. Since my bother is the golden child and will be there (everything revolves around him and his plans) I am expected to be there. My mom never asks will it work for us, but if it works my brother I am suppose to drop everything and show up. After basically not inviting us to show up on Saturday because they want to head out early for a special spot on the lake and need to get a mooring, my mom expects us to show up for all of Sunday.

My wife on the other hand invited her friend for the entire weekend to her parents' house and now I am stuck negotiating between both of them. The houses are 45 minutes apart. If I did not have kids, I would say screw it and go fishing in another 100s of miles away.

Any thoughts on how to handle this?

[Anonymous]

Why can't you go to your parents' house and your wife go to her parents' house?

[vtbigdog]

Because my parents want to see the kids and the friend that my wife invited has a son the same age as my son. So it would be pulling him away from fun and kind of leaving the kid alone.

[Anonymous]

You don’t sound happy with your parents anyway, so either go alone or stay home. Time for your parents to negotiate plans.

[Anonymous]

tell your mom that all of you can't make it because they already have plans but that you can be there if she wants. and to next time give you more of a heads up. The 29th is a Thursday, so why couldn't his bday acknowledgement happen the previous weekend (is THIS weekend).

Also, sorry dude, but you seem to be acting the victim here. You're a victim of your wife, your mother, and your golden boy brother. Come on. Your dad's bday doesn't change, you said yourself you guys typically go to visit. So why didn't YOU make plans, block off that weekend, ask mom when you should come to celebrate? And if you feel the way you do about your brother, why haven't you talked to your parents about how their treatment makes you feel? Sounds to me you expected your wife to make the plans and want to blame her for not remembering or prioritizing your father's birthday (which is in the middle of the week, not a weekend this year). Nope. It's YOUR job to prioritize it.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:tell your mom that all of you can't make it because they already have plans but that you can be there if she wants. and to next time give you more of a heads up. The 29th is a Thursday, so why couldn't his bday acknowledgement happen the previous weekend (is THIS weekend).

Also, sorry dude, but you seem to be acting the victim here. You're a victim of your wife, your mother, and your golden boy brother. Come on. Your dad's bday doesn't change, you said yourself you guys typically go to visit. So why didn't YOU make plans, block off that weekend, ask mom when you should come to celebrate? And if you feel the way you do about your brother, why haven't you talked to your parents about how their treatment makes you feel? Sounds to me you expected your wife to make the plans and want to blame her for not remembering or prioritizing your father's birthday (which is in the middle of the week, not a weekend this year). Nope. It's YOUR job to prioritize it.

+100

Go have fun with your nuclear family and friends.

And, seriously, it's not up to your wife to track and arrange these things. You've got to learn how to deal with your family, and that includes being able to tell them that something bothers you or doesn't work for you and act accordingly.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:tell your mom that all of you can't make it because they already have plans but that you can be there if she wants. and to next time give you more of a heads up. The 29th is a Thursday, so why couldn't his bday acknowledgement happen the previous weekend (is THIS weekend).

Also, sorry dude, but you seem to be acting the victim here. You're a victim of your wife, your mother, and your golden boy brother. Come on. Your dad's bday doesn't change, you said yourself you guys typically go to visit. So why didn't YOU make plans, block off that weekend, ask mom when you should come to celebrate? And if you feel the way you do about your brother, why haven't you talked to your parents about how their treatment makes you feel? Sounds to me you expected your wife to make the plans and want to blame her for not remembering or prioritizing your father's birthday (which is in the middle of the week, not a weekend this year). Nope. It's YOUR job to prioritize it.

Agreed. You want to do nothing and just kind of have things work out without having to speak up. If you don't speak up/take action, you can't expect people to know your wants and preferences.

[Anonymous]

Agree with the others. OP- stop playing victim. It is your responsibility to make the plans to see your family and coordinate with your wife. It isn’t her job to do it for you. Go see your family on your own and let wife and kid keep their plans. Arrange a family visit to your family another weekend.

If your parents ask why wife/kid aren’t there, be honest that you messed up. Don’t throw wife under the bus.

It is your job to manage your family and visiting schedule. You are not the victim here. Just make it right going forward.

[Anonymous]

I can't believe you guys can't work this out. It's your dad's birthday and you only visit once a year. I doubt your wife just "forgot". But regardless, why can't your wife reschedule so you can celebrate your dad's birthday with your family?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:tell your mom that all of you can't make it because they already have plans but that you can be there if she wants. and to next time give you more of a heads up. The 29th is a Thursday, so why couldn't his bday acknowledgement happen the previous weekend (is THIS weekend).

Also, sorry dude, but you seem to be acting the victim here. You're a victim of your wife, your mother, and your golden boy brother. Come on. Your dad's bday doesn't change, you said yourself you guys typically go to visit. So why didn't YOU make plans, block off that weekend, ask mom when you should come to celebrate? And if you feel the way you do about your brother, why haven't you talked to your parents about how their treatment makes you feel? Sounds to me you expected your wife to make the plans and want to blame her for not remembering or prioritizing your father's birthday (which is in the middle of the week, not a weekend this year). Nope. It's YOUR job to prioritize it.

+100

Go have fun with your nuclear family and friends.

And, seriously, it's not up to your wife to track and arrange these things. You've got to learn how to deal with your family, and that includes being able to tell them that something bothers you or doesn't work for you and act accordingly.

YES.

[Anonymous]

Sounds like you married your mother.

[Anonymous]

vtbigdog wrote:OK, I need some help on this...

My father's birthday weekend is usually around the 29th and it is the one time we usually book out to visit them on a regular basis (usually just a day trip). We do not do much with my family and do a lot with her family.

My wife goes ahead and invites her friend to go to her parent's house for that weekend without asking me. It is the weekend we usually go to my parents for a day to celebrate my dad's birthday. However, my mom never plans this out with us and expects us to automatically show up. Since my bother is the golden child and will be there (everything revolves around him and his plans) I am expected to be there. My mom never asks will it work for us, but if it works my brother I am suppose to drop everything and show up. After basically not inviting us to show up on Saturday because they want to head out early for a special spot on the lake and need to get a mooring, my mom expects us to show up for all of Sunday.

My wife on the other hand invited her friend for the entire weekend to her parents' house and now I am stuck negotiating between both of them. The houses are 45 minutes apart. If I did not have kids, I would say screw it and go fishing in another 100s of miles away.

Any thoughts on how to handle this?

I would say screw it and go fishing in another 100s of miles away. You have the answer right there.

[vtbigdog]

Anonymous wrote:tell your mom that all of you can't make it because they already have plans but that you can be there if she wants. and to next time give you more of a heads up. The 29th is a Thursday, so why couldn't his bday acknowledgement happen the previous weekend (is THIS weekend).

Also, sorry dude, but you seem to be acting the victim here. You're a victim of your wife, your mother, and your golden boy brother. Come on. Your dad's bday doesn't change, you said yourself you guys typically go to visit. So why didn't YOU make plans, block off that weekend, ask mom when you should come to celebrate? And if you feel the way you do about your brother, why haven't you talked to your parents about how their treatment makes you feel? Sounds to me you expected your wife to make the plans and want to blame her for not remembering or prioritizing your father's birthday (which is in the middle of the week, not a weekend this year). Nope. It's YOUR job to prioritize it.

We normally go to my parents for this weekend for a least dinner. My wife made plans without checking with me. I would have red flagged it before. I mentioned it was the weekend we normally go to my parents house.

It is like if I made plans on my wife's mother's birthday or the 4th. Kind of givens that we are doing those things.

[Anonymous]

Okay now I don't understand your and your wife's thinking. This is an annual tradition, yes? So why do you expect your mom to check with you when she could very well assume that you're all coming anyway.

Your wife, on the other hand, may not like this level of ambiguity and invited a friend b/c this is her passive aggressive way of dealing with it.

Sounds like you resent it too and want more concrete planning leading up to the event.

You all have your communications issues. I'd start with your wife and find out why she planned the weekend without checking with you first. Regardless of what else is going on, this is not ok. I'd also be clear with your mom regarding expectations. But your biggest issue right now is your wife.

[vtbigdog]

Anonymous wrote:

I would say screw it and go fishing in another 100s of miles away. You have the answer right there.

If it was not for the kids, I would be packing up my rods and reels.