Stuck between Mom & Wife Planning

[Anonymous]

Your options are:
1. Go alone

2. Go fish or do whatever it is you want to do and stop catering to your family’s last minute whims. I mean they aren’t even inviting you for Saturday, but want you to drop everything to come Sunday? Hard pass.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:tell your mom that all of you can't make it because they already have plans but that you can be there if she wants. and to next time give you more of a heads up. The 29th is a Thursday, so why couldn't his bday acknowledgement happen the previous weekend (is THIS weekend).

Also, sorry dude, but you seem to be acting the victim here. You're a victim of your wife, your mother, and your golden boy brother. Come on. Your dad's bday doesn't change, you said yourself you guys typically go to visit. So why didn't YOU make plans, block off that weekend, ask mom when you should come to celebrate? And if you feel the way you do about your brother, why haven't you talked to your parents about how their treatment makes you feel? Sounds to me you expected your wife to make the plans and want to blame her for not remembering or prioritizing your father's birthday (which is in the middle of the week, not a weekend this year). Nope. It's YOUR job to prioritize it.

+1

OP, you should have told your wife to block X weekend as we do every year, for dad's birthday. You didn't do that.

You fix this now.

[Anonymous]

vtbigdog wrote:OK, I need some help on this...

My father's birthday weekend is usually around the 29th and it is the one time we usually book out to visit them on a regular basis (usually just a day trip). We do not do much with my family and do a lot with her family.

My wife goes ahead and invites her friend to go to her parent's house for that weekend without asking me. It is the weekend we usually go to my parents for a day to celebrate my dad's birthday. However, my mom never plans this out with us and expects us to automatically show up. Since my bother is the golden child and will be there (everything revolves around him and his plans) I am expected to be there. My mom never asks will it work for us, but if it works my brother I am suppose to drop everything and show up. After basically not inviting us to show up on Saturday because they want to head out early for a special spot on the lake and need to get a mooring, my mom expects us to show up for all of Sunday.

My wife on the other hand invited her friend for the entire weekend to her parents' house and now I am stuck negotiating between both of them. The houses are 45 minutes apart. If I did not have kids, I would say screw it and go fishing in another 100s of miles away.

Any thoughts on how to handle this?

Didn't you do exactly this with your wife? You didn't make plans (for a birthday on a year where it's not clear which weekend will be the celebratory weekend), you just expected her to show up.

If there are parts of your schedule that are important to you, then you need to speak up like an adult. And that includes to your wife and your mom.

[Anonymous]

vtbigdog wrote:OK, I need some help on this...

My father's birthday weekend is usually around the 29th and it is the one time we usually book out to visit them on a regular basis (usually just a day trip). We do not do much with my family and do a lot with her family.

My wife goes ahead and invites her friend to go to her parent's house for that weekend without asking me. It is the weekend we usually go to my parents for a day to celebrate my dad's birthday. However, my mom never plans this out with us and expects us to automatically show up. Since my bother is the golden child and will be there (everything revolves around him and his plans) I am expected to be there. My mom never asks will it work for us, but if it works my brother I am suppose to drop everything and show up. After basically not inviting us to show up on Saturday because they want to head out early for a special spot on the lake and need to get a mooring, my mom expects us to show up for all of Sunday.

My wife on the other hand invited her friend for the entire weekend to her parents' house and now I am stuck negotiating between both of them. The houses are 45 minutes apart. If I did not have kids, I would say screw it and go fishing in another 100s of miles away.

Any thoughts on how to handle this?

Dp. I'm sorry people seem to be blaming you. If I were you I would tell mom you will celebrate her birthday another weekend. Then work it out with wife and mom which weekend would work. Go fishing yourself.

[Anonymous]

Your problem is asking for help on a board of people who mostly favor the wife, always.

She was wrong to make plans without asking you, even if your yearly plans were not in play. She also knows you have annual plans, so she did this on purpose. Find out why she acted that way. Was she trying to make a point to your parents about them not formally extending an invitation? Was she making a point to you about not wanting to go? Without that information everything else is just noise.

Also, stop going to her family's so much if you don't want to. She can go herself, just like you can go yourself to your parents'.

[vtbigdog]

Anonymous wrote:Your problem is asking for help on a board of people who mostly favor the wife, always.

She was wrong to make plans without asking you, even if your yearly plans were not in play. She also knows you have annual plans, so she did this on purpose. Find out why she acted that way. Was she trying to make a point to your parents about them not formally extending an invitation? Was she making a point to you about not wanting to go? Without that information everything else is just noise.

Also, stop going to her family's so much if you don't want to. She can go herself, just like you can go yourself to your parents'.

Thank you for the excellent advice.

I use to go to her parents' less before kids. I love being with my kids so that it is sometimes why I just suck the craziness and go.

[Anonymous]

Oh please, OP's wife knew what she was doing. Sounds like she's fed up with the IL's expectations that they just show up and lack of consideration to coordinate with them. Which I get - team wife on OP's family as entitled and inconsideration.

However, two wrongs don't make a right, and OP's wife is being incredibly passive aggressive. The mature way to handle it would be to have an open conversation with OP about the situation, wherein they mutually agree on how to handle it.

So, I think OP's anger at his wife and at his parents is justified. Frankly, they're all acting like assholes.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

vtbigdog wrote:OK, I need some help on this...

My father's birthday weekend is usually around the 29th and it is the one time we usually book out to visit them on a regular basis (usually just a day trip). We do not do much with my family and do a lot with her family.

My wife goes ahead and invites her friend to go to her parent's house for that weekend without asking me. It is the weekend we usually go to my parents for a day to celebrate my dad's birthday. However, my mom never plans this out with us and expects us to automatically show up. Since my bother is the golden child and will be there (everything revolves around him and his plans) I am expected to be there. My mom never asks will it work for us, but if it works my brother I am suppose to drop everything and show up. After basically not inviting us to show up on Saturday because they want to head out early for a special spot on the lake and need to get a mooring, my mom expects us to show up for all of Sunday.

My wife on the other hand invited her friend for the entire weekend to her parents' house and now I am stuck negotiating between both of them. The houses are 45 minutes apart. If I did not have kids, I would say screw it and go fishing in another 100s of miles away.

Any thoughts on how to handle this?

Didn't you do exactly this with your wife? You didn't make plans (for a birthday on a year where it's not clear which weekend will be the celebratory weekend), you just expected her to show up.

If there are parts of your schedule that are important to you, then you need to speak up like an adult. And that includes to your wife and your mom.

This. Be an adult, take the initiative, and work out a plan. Your dad, your responsibility.

Passive, immature, and avoidant behavior like this may be why your brother, not you, is the golden boy.

[Anonymous]

Let me guess. You waited until today to address it? Your wife planned a reasonable amount ahead of time.

[Anonymous]

I suspect your wife is being a bit passive aggressive. Has she been reluctant to visit your parents in the past? If not, they this perhapbs was just bad planning. Was this the only weekend her friend could be free?
I like to give people the benefit of the doubt when possible.
That being said. I do think she should have said "I am planning a weekend with the kids and my friend to visit my parents. Does teh 27th work for us?"
She didn't so that is an issue and you should calmly ask why she didn't ask if the weekend worked for the family?
But you also have a much larger issue which is the way your family treats you. You just seem to think their demands are something you should bend to and they are not.
If you mother wants to celebrate your dad's birthday the adult thing to do is to set up a time to celebrate it. This is especially true when it falls on a weekday. She didnt. Not only did she not invite you, she disinvited you for one of the key days!
Perhaps your wife is sick of being a 2nd class citizen in your mom's eyes and has had enough. YOu have the right to have enough of her family as well.

I don't believe that married people need to do every single thing together when it causes them stress, anxiety and some family does not treat them well. This is not Xmas she planned over, it is your adult dad's birthday. (very few adults expect other grown adults to drop everything to celebrate their birthdays).

Talk with you wife, Let her know if the future it would mean a lot to you if she went to your dad's party and you promise to get some plans made with your mom well in advance so everyone knows what is going on and when.

You appear to be blaming your wife for everything and that is just not fair.

[Anonymous]

OP, you wife is being passive aggressive. She doesnt want to go to your father's bday. She is wrong.
Stand up to her and tell her to switch weekends. She knew better, trust me. Call her out on it now.

[Anonymous]

vtbigdog wrote:OK, I need some help on this...

My father's birthday weekend is usually around the 29th and it is the one time we usually book out to visit them on a regular basis (usually just a day trip). We do not do much with my family and do a lot with her family.

My wife goes ahead and invites her friend to go to her parent's house for that weekend without asking me. It is the weekend we usually go to my parents for a day to celebrate my dad's birthday. However, my mom never plans this out with us and expects us to automatically show up. Since my bother is the golden child and will be there (everything revolves around him and his plans) I am expected to be there. My mom never asks will it work for us, but if it works my brother I am suppose to drop everything and show up. After basically not inviting us to show up on Saturday because they want to head out early for a special spot on the lake and need to get a mooring, my mom expects us to show up for all of Sunday.

My wife on the other hand invited her friend for the entire weekend to her parents' house and now I am stuck negotiating between both of them. The houses are 45 minutes apart. If I did not have kids, I would say screw it and go fishing in another 100s of miles away.

Any thoughts on how to handle this?

This might be the dumbest statement I've ever read on DCUM.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

vtbigdog wrote:OK, I need some help on this...

My father's birthday weekend is usually around the 29th and it is the one time we usually book out to visit them on a regular basis (usually just a day trip). We do not do much with my family and do a lot with her family.

My wife goes ahead and invites her friend to go to her parent's house for that weekend without asking me. It is the weekend we usually go to my parents for a day to celebrate my dad's birthday. However, my mom never plans this out with us and expects us to automatically show up. Since my bother is the golden child and will be there (everything revolves around him and his plans) I am expected to be there. My mom never asks will it work for us, but if it works my brother I am suppose to drop everything and show up. After basically not inviting us to show up on Saturday because they want to head out early for a special spot on the lake and need to get a mooring, my mom expects us to show up for all of Sunday.

My wife on the other hand invited her friend for the entire weekend to her parents' house and now I am stuck negotiating between both of them. The houses are 45 minutes apart. If I did not have kids, I would say screw it and go fishing in another 100s of miles away.

Any thoughts on how to handle this?

Didn't you do exactly this with your wife? You didn't make plans (for a birthday on a year where it's not clear which weekend will be the celebratory weekend), you just expected her to show up.

If there are parts of your schedule that are important to you, then you need to speak up like an adult. And that includes to your wife and your mom.

+100
Acting like a victim is not helping your case.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP, you wife is being passive aggressive. She doesnt want to go to your father's bday. She is wrong.
Stand up to her and tell her to switch weekends. She knew better, trust me. Call her out on it now.

Interesting your advice is to stand up to the wife. Parents have actually uninvited him for Saturday. As a wife I would have a hard time being treated as a second class citizen and seeing my husband treated as such. It wouldn’t make me want to put in a big effort to see these people.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Sounds like you married your mother.

LOL. I had the exact same thought!