In laws moving to town

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I would be in a panic if my inlaws or my parents moved to my neighborhood because of boundaries. Here’s how I’d handle it. They would both want to be involved with the kids and honestly, I could use help. Instead of all of us doing everything together I’d ask them to take them to some practices and games and I wouldn’t go to those. They would love some alone time with the kids and probably take them out before or afterwards. My kids are at the point where they each are out 3-4 evenings per week between practices and games. They could help with carpooling.

Unless they are living with you, you have no expectation of any kind of help from them and they owe you nothing. If you need help, hire someone.

You are quoting me and I’m not OP. We do hire people and don’t have local family. Im just offering how I’d handle it because I know my parent and my ILs and they would love to do this. They would be coming to spend time with the grandkids and want to see them. This is a way they could and I wouldn’t have to have them over ever minute. Just one possible idea. Obviously not for everyone.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I am wondering how OP would feel when her IL aged somewhere else and DH was always having to go help them or deal with medical issues out of town. That is very difficult too. My own parents are moving to my town next year. I get along with them well..but I only see them 3-4 times a year. I am worried about the change and what the boundaries will be. Silly things like running into the at the store or unexpected visits when the house is a mess. I also feel a bit like I am tied down here as long as they are around. My youngest will be heading to college when they come so no help with the kids perk. In the end, that is part of family...supporting parents as they age.

Completely not the same when it is your own parent and when the relationship is decent to start with.

I’ve done the commuting-to-take-care-of-sick parents thing. It is hard, but not as hard as OP’s situation, which I have also gone through. The former is physically and somewhat emotionally difficult. The latter is very emotional difficult.

Supporting a spouse going out of town is a logistical challenge. Needing your spouse to suddenly learn to manage boundaries with parents he doesn’t want to disappoint is another type of problem altogether. And it’s lonely because you and your spouse are in conflict, and many other people would think you are awful if you complained about the in-law invasion (see this thread...).

This is perhaps the dumbest point that is consistently repeated on this board. ALL parents are inlaws, and all inlaws are parents. It's the exact same dynamic, no matter whose parent it is - it's just that you may be on a different side of it.

Duh. But OP is the one writing, and it’s her in-laws are moving the town. The poster above is drawing a comparison to her own parents moving to town, so they are on different sides of it (not to mention different family dynamics to start with).

[Anonymous]

This sounds like a difficult situation to try to manage by yourself. How does your partner feel about it and how can you work together to set the boundaries?
It’s just not fair for other people to assume their way into your daily life. No matter who they are. No discussion...we are coming.

The same thing is happening to my husband and I currently - the in-laws are buying a house just 10 miles away. We have no children. Deeply-Overbearing MIL - I tend to refer to the whole thing as ‘the bulldozer.’

There is just no stopping it. And it’s no fun getting your life run-over.

You MUST set boundaries right away. And stick to them.
Best of luck. Thank you for sharing.

[Anonymous]

Divorce. What else can you do, and then move away.

[Anonymous]

When my sister in law moved 5 minutes away from us, I thought it was the end of the world. Seriously could not sleep for weeks and was so stressed because she is a difficult person, has boundary issues and anticipated hanging out with us a lot. None of my fears really materialized. She turned out to be a godsend And helps with little errands and childcare. Now I hope she never moves away. This could work Op. I get your apprehension bc I’ve btdt but keep an open mind.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:So I understand that I can't stop adults from doing what they want. But I think it's really weird and selfish for my in laws to move into our town from 4 hours away. We have different lifestyles, they don't have any friends in the area and are "moving for us" even though we don't want them to. It will just make life so much more difficult. Unsure if I should risk hurting my marriage to try to stop this move or if I need to just get over it.

Wow. If this is your definition of weird and selfish then you have problems that are too big to be solved here.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Of course, they have the right to move anywhere. However, to move into town unannounced and with no previous discussion is rude. They sound like they cannot pick up on social clues. I feel bad for OP. All of you other critics out there probably never had a situation like this one. OP has the right to feel the way she does. She also had the right to live her family life without in-laws breathing down her back. Been there done that, so I know.

Thank you for understanding. Some people are so cruel on this forum. Which is not what I was expecting. I really appreciate your message. The first part is all I'm asking for a discussion of expectations, time frame etc ...so I'm not blindsided because at the end of the day our life will change. They are very introverted and not social...they aren't moving here for any other reason but us so it will change my life. I worry because my husband is so sweet and never wants to upset his mom, which is beautiful, but she manipulates him with ultimatums to get his way and he just always backs down. He is working on being more firm, I'm working on being more flexible...it just seems like they take take take and don't even realize how much it hurts both of us. I love my family and have always had great relationships with my friends and boyfriend's families...they are just so different. It's hard to explain. The amount of judgment is crazy. So much hate. I can't be around that much negativity for that long, nor so I want our kids to be around that much hate. The comments she makes are just so ridiculous. I believe in diversity and she doesn't, it's all 100% Christian or devil in her mind. Which is just extreme, my best friend is devout in another religion and she commented that they can't be kind if they are not Christian. I just don't want that type of energy around my kids.

DP. You should check the mirror. You sound waaaaay more judgmental, manipulative and controlling than your inlaws. Be judgmental all you want but it is your controlling behavior that will cause you the most problems with your husband, especially if his parents talk to him about it.

[Anonymous]

OP, I get it. In my case, we always knew my parents would move near us when we had kids, but there were still a lot of discussions leading up to the move. For your ILs to blindside you with their announcement is understandably upsetting. It's ok to take a little time to freak out and do what you need to process it. Right now, the anticipation is almost worse than the reality, but there are a few things you can do:

-Sit down with your DH and talk through all of your concerns. Figure out a baseline in terms of boundaries and expectations.

-Do a little research about a new church for them. Most likely it will become their main network outside of your family.

-I love the keypad entry code suggestion up thread. Don't give them a key to your house, but with a keypad you can change the code and allow entry in case of emergency.

I would not worry too much about their negativity impacting your kids. It's upsetting, sure, but your kids will get their values from you and your H.

My own MIL is super religious and judgmental too (though she doesn't say much about yoga, she's been known to burn books she deemed immoral). Before kids I seriously could not stomach spending more than a few hours with her at a time. But after we had kids the dynamic shifted and her energy was mostly focused on doting on the kids, which is good all around. I will never see eye-to-eye with her, but I value all the family time we've had with her.

If your MIL is a good grandma to your kids, I think you'll find it a lot easier to get along with her. If she's not, then she's making her own bed and most likely your H will be put off too. When conflicts arise, frame them from the perspective of what's best for your kids and hopefully your H will stand up to her as needed.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:So I understand that I can't stop adults from doing what they want. But I think it's really weird and selfish for my in laws to move into our town from 4 hours away. We have different lifestyles, they don't have any friends in the area and are "moving for us" even though we don't want them to. It will just make life so much more difficult. Unsure if I should risk hurting my marriage to try to stop this move or if I need to just get over it.

I cannot believe people are telling you to get over it. If this happened to me I would lose my damn mind. I dream of not living near my in-laws. I am so sorry; I hope you can stop this from happening.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:My in-laws moved near us. My DH had previously ‘managed’ boundaries simply by being a very long drive away.

That your in-laws announced the move without ever consulting DH and you — as did mine — is evidence that they aren’t attuned to boundaries.

I had to push my DH to get better at managing boundaries directly.

It was rough for a bit, and is still a little bumpy a few years later.

It will be better if your in-laws are rational, reasonably normal people. Mine are not.

You sound deranged. In-laws don’t need to get permission from anyone to move to your town.

Of course they don’t need permission to move somewhere. But people with normal social skills don’t show up a party where they are not invited.

When the parents are moving closer simply to because the adult child is there and they don’t even stop to consider the child’s perspective, there is clearly a problem:
— they fail to see their child as an adult with a separate life
— they have a lot of expectation of fulfillment from being involved with this young family
— they have nothing else to do; they are letting go all their friends and activities solely be near a kid’s family

It’s a set-up for a big clash of expectations and autonomy.

It’s a very different than a family with healthy dynamics wanting to live near each other.

Thank you for understanding. A lot of people in this forum have no idea what it feels like. They have no boundaries, no respect for our wishes, and the MIL is very judgmental. I honestly fear we may get a divorce because of this. We are young in our relationship, it's only been a few years. The in laws don't have any other grandkids and are literally moving for us...no friends in the area. Nothing. That's a lot of pressure. My husband is great but hates disappointing them. MIL is manipulative and give him unfair ultimatums. They are also very religious and judgemental -like told me doing Yoga was praying to the devil. So much negativity and awkwardness when we are together. They are oblivious to it all.

I know I can't tell them not to move, it is just selfish and unfair to follow your kid across multiple states without even a conversation. I think that would have been more respectful. They just surprised us and said, only when I asked, that they are coming to town to look for houses this weekend. We were both blindsided.

Damn. Thoughts and prayers for sure.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Of course, they have the right to move anywhere. However, to move into town unannounced and with no previous discussion is rude. They sound like they cannot pick up on social clues. I feel bad for OP. All of you other critics out there probably never had a situation like this one. OP has the right to feel the way she does. She also had the right to live her family life without in-laws breathing down her back. Been there done that, so I know.

Thank you for understanding. Some people are so cruel on this forum. Which is not what I was expecting. I really appreciate your message. The first part is all I'm asking for a discussion of expectations, time frame etc ...so I'm not blindsided because at the end of the day our life will change. They are very introverted and not social...they aren't moving here for any other reason but us so it will change my life. I worry because my husband is so sweet and never wants to upset his mom, which is beautiful, but she manipulates him with ultimatums to get his way and he just always backs down. He is working on being more firm, I'm working on being more flexible...it just seems like they take take take and don't even realize how much it hurts both of us. I love my family and have always had great relationships with my friends and boyfriend's families...they are just so different. It's hard to explain. The amount of judgment is crazy. So much hate. I can't be around that much negativity for that long, nor so I want our kids to be around that much hate. The comments she makes are just so ridiculous. I believe in diversity and she doesn't, it's all 100% Christian or devil in her mind. Which is just extreme, my best friend is devout in another religion and she commented that they can't be kind if they are not Christian. I just don't want that type of energy around my kids.

You have a husband problem, not a an in-law problem.

Yup, Op probably chose her DH because he goes along with whatever she wants and she’s shocked that he does the same with his mom.

Ding ding ding we have a winner. OP you have lots of useful advice here on setting boundaries with in-laws do so while being kind to your families. You married your sweet DH and poor guy stuck between 2 manipulative women.

[Anonymous]

My parents recentally moved to the area. We get along fine but I still feel that they entered what used to be my world. I know they are doing it because they are in their late 70's and had no family nearby. Really they did it to help not to hurt. OP, how well would it work for DH to be constantly driving the 4 hours when their was an emergency which will happen more and more as they get older? Set the boundaries when they arrive. Say no when you need to.

[Anonymous]

Now they can easily watch your kids for date nights and long weekends!! Or for random school holidays!

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Of course, they have the right to move anywhere. However, to move into town unannounced and with no previous discussion is rude. They sound like they cannot pick up on social clues. I feel bad for OP. All of you other critics out there probably never had a situation like this one. OP has the right to feel the way she does. She also had the right to live her family life without in-laws breathing down her back. Been there done that, so I know.

Thank you for understanding. Some people are so cruel on this forum. Which is not what I was expecting. I really appreciate your message. The first part is all I'm asking for a discussion of expectations, time frame etc ...so I'm not blindsided because at the end of the day our life will change. They are very introverted and not social...they aren't moving here for any other reason but us so it will change my life. I worry because my husband is so sweet and never wants to upset his mom, which is beautiful, but she manipulates him with ultimatums to get his way and he just always backs down. He is working on being more firm, I'm working on being more flexible...it just seems like they take take take and don't even realize how much it hurts both of us. I love my family and have always had great relationships with my friends and boyfriend's families...they are just so different. It's hard to explain. The amount of judgment is crazy. So much hate. I can't be around that much negativity for that long, nor so I want our kids to be around that much hate. The comments she makes are just so ridiculous. I believe in diversity and she doesn't, it's all 100% Christian or devil in her mind. Which is just extreme, my best friend is devout in another religion and she commented that they can't be kind if they are not Christian. I just don't want that type of energy around my kids.

DP. You should check the mirror. You sound waaaaay more judgmental, manipulative and controlling than your inlaws. Be judgmental all you want but it is your controlling behavior that will cause you the most problems with your husband, especially if his parents talk to him about it.

NP. You are off your rocker. Her ils are negative and rude. Who would be thrilled to have that breathing down your neck? If they aren't content with themselves they're going to put a lot of neediness on op and her dh.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Install a keypad lock. No keys. If you need to give them access to your home, you can give them a code and disable it at your pleasure. How old are your kids? If school aged, invite them to every school thing and get them cleared to volunteer at your kid’s school. Our schools have had many deeply involved grandparent volunteers and I am sure that they irritated someone in their family, but they were beloved and needed at school. And the school manages them, not you. Thanksgiving plays, field day, awards day, band concerts, choral concerts, plays, etc. There are so many things at school. And you don’t have to talk to them much. Also, sports, there are practices and games and team parties and tournaments and all kinds of stuff. Drop your kids at practice and tell the ILs practice is Thursdays from 4pm to 5pm. You are welcome to cheer Jacob on from the sidelines and meet us for dinner after. Or better yet, bring home dinner. Make their presence work for you. Are they computer literate? Set up a google calendar and share it with them of everything that they are invited to attend.

My parents are the ones who live the closest. My mom picked up my daughter from preschool one day per week and had the afternoon with her. She also did a lot of half day pick ups which was really helpful. We had aftercare at school, but it was nice for my mom and she to have the time together. My MIL moved away or I would have offered her the same opportunity - she is by no means my favorite person, but free child care is free child care. And my MIL is super judgmental too. I just mostly ignore it. I also make her my husband’s problem as much as possible. He now has to go pick her up in order for her to attend anything with us. She lives an hour away and he doesn’t want to do that. When I first started dumping her on him, he balked. So I just turned it around on him. “Cool. You can cook Thanksgiving Dinner with my mom and I will go get your mom instead. Mom will be here at noon.” “I am timing at the swim meet and the kids have to be there at 7:45. So you think I should handle that and calling your mom to invite her too? I think you can make a phone call.” “If you think I should be the one communicating with your parents, then should be the one communicating with mine.” And any time you get any crap from the ILs, throw your husband under the bus. “Oh gee, Mary. I gave Gus the schedule and told him to let you know. Let him know how disappointed you are so he doesn’t forget again.” I know that seems mean, but no one in your life is going to decide that you need fewer unpleasant things to do and they need more.

Yuck. I have a kid with learning disabilities and some of the worse experiences I've had after substitute spec ed teachers, were grandparents who volunteered.