In laws moving to town

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:My in-laws moved near us. My DH had previously ‘managed’ boundaries simply by being a very long drive away.

That your in-laws announced the move without ever consulting DH and you — as did mine — is evidence that they aren’t attuned to boundaries.

I had to push my DH to get better at managing boundaries directly.

It was rough for a bit, and is still a little bumpy a few years later.

It will be better if your in-laws are rational, reasonably normal people. Mine are not.

Grown adults can move anywhere they please and are not obligated to consult with anyone before doing so.

Now, is it wise to discuss expectations and details before making such a big decision? Yes. But they are not obligated to inform anyone or ask permission before they decide where to live. That is 100% their decision.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:My in-laws moved near us. My DH had previously ‘managed’ boundaries simply by being a very long drive away.

That your in-laws announced the move without ever consulting DH and you — as did mine — is evidence that they aren’t attuned to boundaries.

I had to push my DH to get better at managing boundaries directly.

It was rough for a bit, and is still a little bumpy a few years later.

It will be better if your in-laws are rational, reasonably normal people. Mine are not.

You sound deranged. In-laws don’t need to get permission from anyone to move to your town.

Of course they don’t need permission to move somewhere. But people with normal social skills don’t show up a party where they are not invited.

When the parents are moving closer simply to because the adult child is there and they don’t even stop to consider the child’s perspective, there is clearly a problem:
— they fail to see their child as an adult with a separate life
— they have a lot of expectation of fulfillment from being involved with this young family
— they have nothing else to do; they are letting go all their friends and activities solely be near a kid’s family

It’s a set-up for a big clash of expectations and autonomy.

It’s a very different than a family with healthy dynamics wanting to live near each other.

Uh...what?

A party is a private event held in a home or a private venue, so of course you need permission to come to a party.

Any grown adult in this country is free to move anywhere they damn well please, as long as they can afford the rent or the mortgage and abide by the law. It's not a party so much as it is a free country.

[Anonymous]

Is your DH an only child? It's easier to take care of aging parents when they live close to you.

[Anonymous]

It’s just obtuse to keep repeating that the in-laws can move where they want. Of course they can.

But they are not moving, it seems, because of the nice trees and walkability. They are moving because of OP’s family.

You want to pretend that the in-laws don’t have a vision of increased participation in OP’s family’s lives?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP, it sounds to be like your bigger issue is with your husband. Just hold the line early about how often you will get together and don’t overshare the details of your life. I’m a PP who is glad my inlaws moved locally. They know about what I tell them about and nothing more. They knew no one when they moved but have since made a ton of friends and keep a busier social calendar than I do.

Good advice.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:So I understand that I can't stop adults from doing what they want. But I think it's really weird and selfish for my in laws to move into our town from 4 hours away. We have different lifestyles, they don't have any friends in the area and are "moving for us" even though we don't want them to. It will just make life so much more difficult. Unsure if I should risk hurting my marriage to try to stop this move or if I need to just get over it.

You are really so insecure that you're threatened by your ILs moving to your same town? Wow, OP, that's pretty bad. You need to get some therapy.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:It’s just obtuse to keep repeating that the in-laws can move where they want. Of course they can.

But they are not moving, it seems, because of the nice trees and walkability. They are moving because of OP’s family.

You want to pretend that the in-laws don’t have a vision of increased participation in OP’s family’s lives?

Yes, and? They can have a "vision" all they want; doesn't mean OP needs to bend her reality to meet that vision.

Use your words: "Sunday won't work for us. How about the third Saturday in July?"

Don't give a key. If they drop by unannounced, say hello from the doorway, don't invite them in, and ask them to call so you can plan time to get together soon.

Yes, they can move wherever they damn well please. But they can't get a key just because they ask for one; they can't gain entry into the house unless someone unlocks the door and holds it open; they can't MAKE OP's family show up for Sunday dinners.

[Anonymous]

They have every right to move where they want to and you have every right not to be the center of their social life. You and your husband need to agree on what the boundaries are.

[Anonymous]

They will be moving in with you in a couple of years. I still think joining Bible translators abroad is a good move for you.

[Anonymous]

Make it clear to your husband that you will only see them twice a month (or whatever you both decide). Have a conversation about what happens when they can’t live by themselves anymore (i’ve made it clear that no parents will ever live with us although I’m sure my husband wants my MIL to live with us.... I stay in a tiny home so that this will never happen....)

[Anonymous]

If possible, try to arrange a standing invitation for Sunday dinner or library time with the kids every other Tuesday or whatever. That may make it easier for them to get the the closeness they want and for you to enforce boundaries in a loving way. “I’m sorry we can’t to x,y or z today, but we’ll see you at brunch next week.”

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Grown ass people need permission to live in an area where you live?
Really?
You have a very high opinion of yourself, get over it.
You can control how much you see them and when they come over. You have no control over where they live.

+1 OP you are unkind and unrealistic. You should have married an orphan if you did not want inlaws.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:If possible, try to arrange a standing invitation for Sunday dinner or library time with the kids every other Tuesday or whatever. That may make it easier for them to get the the closeness they want and for you to enforce boundaries in a loving way. “I’m sorry we can’t to x,y or z today, but we’ll see you at brunch next week.”

Excellent advice!

[Anonymous]

I think you need to stop criticizing Op! They have their own life in their own town! In-laws just decided to barge in on them! Who wants or needs that? I have a nice relationship with my in-laws, BUT would fall apart if they moved here on my turf. We all need our space and they have no right to move here!,

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I think you need to stop criticizing Op! They have their own life in their own town! In-laws just decided to barge in on them! Who wants or needs that? I have a nice relationship with my in-laws, BUT would fall apart if they moved here on my turf. We all need our space and they have no right to move here!,

They literally have a right to move there.