In laws moving to town

[Anonymous]

So I understand that I can't stop adults from doing what they want. But I think it's really weird and selfish for my in laws to move into our town from 4 hours away. We have different lifestyles, they don't have any friends in the area and are "moving for us" even though we don't want them to. It will just make life so much more difficult. Unsure if I should risk hurting my marriage to try to stop this move or if I need to just get over it.

[Anonymous]

Get over it

[Anonymous]

Have there been issues with them in the past?

[Anonymous]

What does your spouse say?

[Anonymous]

If you can, try to manage expectations. Let them know you won't be available every week for example, if that's what they're thinking. Find a way to ask what their long term care plans are. Ideally your DH will do this in a clear conversation, but if not you can push back when they mention their mental image of how this is going to go.

I was really upset and worried when my ILs moved here, but it turned out to be a huge help and good for my kids. There were tensions and adjustments but now I'm glad they're here.

[Anonymous]

My in-laws moved near us. My DH had previously ‘managed’ boundaries simply by being a very long drive away.

That your in-laws announced the move without ever consulting DH and you — as did mine — is evidence that they aren’t attuned to boundaries.

I had to push my DH to get better at managing boundaries directly.

It was rough for a bit, and is still a little bumpy a few years later.

It will be better if your in-laws are rational, reasonably normal people. Mine are not.

[Anonymous]

Relocate

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:What does your spouse say?

+1

OP? What does your spouse say? To you? To them? You say "we don't want them to" move. So has spouse said this to the parents or is spouse meekly saying nothing out of fear of upsetting mom and dad? If your spouse can't be frank now, expect that you'll be throne setting boundaries when that job should belong to your spouse.

[Anonymous]

Ha, not "you'll be throne." You'll be "the one."

[Anonymous]

You can’t control them. But you can control yourself. Don’t be controlled by bitterness and pettiness.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:My in-laws moved near us. My DH had previously ‘managed’ boundaries simply by being a very long drive away.

That your in-laws announced the move without ever consulting DH and you — as did mine — is evidence that they aren’t attuned to boundaries.

I had to push my DH to get better at managing boundaries directly.

It was rough for a bit, and is still a little bumpy a few years later.

It will be better if your in-laws are rational, reasonably normal people. Mine are not.

You sound deranged. In-laws don’t need to get permission from anyone to move to your town.

[Anonymous]

My inlaws did this and I love it! No more vacation days burned to see them, no more smooshing in their house sharing a bathroom, no more seeing FIL in his PJ’s, and no more 5-7 day visits!

I see them a few times a month for 2-4 hours at a time. It is 10x better. And my DH can also see them alone, which he couldn’t really before.

[Anonymous]

My thoughts and prayers are with you.

[Anonymous]

Move to the West Coast. Or Europe, or Africa. Join Foreign Service or Bible Translators and move somewhere.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:My inlaws did this and I love it! No more vacation days burned to see them, no more smooshing in their house sharing a bathroom, no more seeing FIL in his PJ’s, and no more 5-7 day visits!

I see them a few times a month for 2-4 hours at a time. It is 10x better. And my DH can also see them alone, which he couldn’t really before.

This is the up side. I would love not to have to burn leave to see my in-laws.