Rejected by moms in a playgroup- feeling hurt

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote: I don't look down on them but honestly, I cannot relate!

That's fine. Maybe they feel the same way about you. Which is also fine. So why is it that you feel you are perfectly reasonable but they are jealous and resentful?

In my opinion, FWIW, they shut me out as soon as I didn't confess to the same problems. I was open to give helpful advice as to how to get baby to sleep etc but they were only interested in wallowing in their drama with each other.

From the tone of your post ("I guess I was tougher"), you didn't think much of these women from the get-go. It's not surprising they weren't receptive to your "helpful advice."

Come on. When I said tougher I meant I was ok with letting my baby cry for 10 minutes a couple of times before she learned to fall asleep. It was very stressful to listen to the cry but I stuck it out for the greater goal. The other women in the group said they would not be able to do that, that it is too cruel. How does mean I think I am better than them? After all, am I not the cruel mother?!

You can chalk it up with different parenting philosophies but I always felt that because they had a different view they felt I had nothing to offer.

This thread also shows how this plays out. People who I consider to be less focused on commisarating (sp? sorry) and more on a desire to focus on real issues and people that resent you because you give off that "perfectness" by not joining in the drama fest.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote: I don't look down on them but honestly, I cannot relate!

That's fine. Maybe they feel the same way about you. Which is also fine. So why is it that you feel you are perfectly reasonable but they are jealous and resentful?

In my opinion, FWIW, they shut me out as soon as I didn't confess to the same problems. I was open to give helpful advice as to how to get baby to sleep etc but they were only interested in wallowing in their drama with each other.

From the tone of your post ("I guess I was tougher"), you didn't think much of these women from the get-go. It's not surprising they weren't receptive to your "helpful advice."

Come on. When I said tougher I meant I was ok with letting my baby cry for 10 minutes a couple of times before she learned to fall asleep. It was very stressful to listen to the cry but I stuck it out for the greater goal. The other women in the group said they would not be able to do that, that it is too cruel. How does mean I think I am better than them? After all, am I not the cruel mother?!

You can chalk it up with different parenting philosophies but I always felt that because they had a different view they felt I had nothing to offer.

This thread also shows how this plays out. People who I consider to be less focused on commisarating (sp? sorry) and more on a desire to focus on real issues and people that resent you because you give off that "perfectness" by not joining in the drama fest.

This just reads like sour grapes.

Look, we tend not to seek the company of people who make us feel bad about ourselves. This applies especially to new mothers who may be stressed about whether they're doing the right thing, making the right decisions. They would likely choose to be with people who understand what they're going through, not people who sigh that they're wallowing in "drama fests" or think of themselves as "tougher."

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:
Come on. When I said tougher I meant I was ok with letting my baby cry for 10 minutes a couple of times before she learned to fall asleep. It was very stressful to listen to the cry but I stuck it out for the greater goal. The other women in the group said they would not be able to do that, that it is too cruel. How does mean I think I am better than them? After all, am I not the cruel mother?!

You can chalk it up with different parenting philosophies but I always felt that because they had a different view they felt I had nothing to offer.

This thread also shows how this plays out. People who I consider to be less focused on commisarating (sp? sorry) and more on a desire to focus on real issues and people that resent you because you give off that "perfectness" by not joining in the drama fest.

I completely understand what happened in your playgroup, OP.

You did "cry it out" and feel it was the right thing. Other people are having a hard time with sleep stuff but don't want to do Cry It Out.

Nuff said! I can bet they don't feel like getting together with you anymore -- but it probably isn't because they like drama. They don't believe cry-it-out is correct (for them and their babies) and therefore are struggling with other options, and need support.

You sound like you aren't interested in that at all. You "toughed it out" for 10 minutes, it was over (for you) and you feel fine with your cchoice -- and now don't want to hear about what others are going through, except to tell them "You should do "cry it out" -- it worked great for me!"

You should have mentioned all that when talking about those meanie, meanie moms who aren't inviting you to lunch with them. Now it all makes sense!

[Anonymous]

I am a PP who is now working.

I think we're dealing with personality conflicts. Likes attract likes.

Personally, I'd prefer to be around some bitching women who aren't candy-coating their SAH lifestyle. I like people who are brutally honest and yes, tough!

But when I stayed home, I had a hard time finding women who - for lack of a better word - appealed to me. And I began to wonder if perhaps I had made the right decision b/c so many of these SAHMs seemed deliriously happy being soccer moms, volunteering endless hours at their child's school, and talking about baby milestones. If I cracked open a bottle of wine during a play date (afternoon, I'll clarify), I received some odd looks. On the flip side, my working pals would bring over a bottle! And we'd gab and bitch, have a glass of wine, and munch on cheese crackers.

So maybe there are the more cynical types - the "tough" ones - who have a harder time fitting into these groups b/c baby milestones and lunch duty aren't on their daily agenda!

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I am a PP who is now working.

I think we're dealing with personality conflicts. Likes attract likes.

Personally, I'd prefer to be around some bitching women who aren't candy-coating their SAH lifestyle. I like people who are brutally honest and yes, tough!

But when I stayed home, I had a hard time finding women who - for lack of a better word - appealed to me. And I began to wonder if perhaps I had made the right decision b/c so many of these SAHMs seemed deliriously happy being soccer moms, volunteering endless hours at their child's school, and talking about baby milestones. If I cracked open a bottle of wine during a play date (afternoon, I'll clarify), I received some odd looks. On the flip side, my working pals would bring over a bottle! And we'd gab and bitch, have a glass of wine, and munch on cheese crackers.

So maybe there are the more cynical types - the "tough" ones - who have a harder time fitting into these groups b/c baby milestones and lunch duty aren't on their daily agenda!

Throw a piece of fruit in that glass and you can back it up to at least brunch.

[Anonymous]

PP here who was previously critical of the playgroup mom. The thing is, OP, that you probably came across as someone who takes credit for your kid's excellent habits. I would like to deliver the shocking news that your kid's temperament (which is out of your control) is the biggest determinant of what kind of sleeper she is. I didn't do CIO, and I'm not against CIO, and I will say with great certainty that some kids just won't respond to it. So you got an easy kid, big whup. It sucks when your kid is colicky or just plain spirited, and the last thing you want to do is listen to advice from know-it-all moms who simply lucked out with a good sleeper.

[Anonymous]

Could be wrong, but I don't think the poster that many people are now responding to is the OP.

[Anonymous]

I want to be friends with the CIO mom, I feel the same way!

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:
Come on. When I said tougher I meant I was ok with letting my baby cry for 10 minutes a couple of times before she learned to fall asleep. It was very stressful to listen to the cry but I stuck it out for the greater goal. The other women in the group said they would not be able to do that, that it is too cruel. How does mean I think I am better than them? After all, am I not the cruel mother?!

You can chalk it up with different parenting philosophies but I always felt that because they had a different view they felt I had nothing to offer.

This thread also shows how this plays out. People who I consider to be less focused on commisarating (sp? sorry) and more on a desire to focus on real issues and people that resent you because you give off that "perfectness" by not joining in the drama fest.

I completely understand what happened in your playgroup, OP.

You did "cry it out" and feel it was the right thing. Other people are having a hard time with sleep stuff but don't want to do Cry It Out.

Nuff said! I can bet they don't feel like getting together with you anymore -- but it probably isn't because they like drama. They don't believe cry-it-out is correct (for them and their babies) and therefore are struggling with other options, and need support.

You sound like you aren't interested in that at all. You "toughed it out" for 10 minutes, it was over (for you) and you feel fine with your cchoice -- and now don't want to hear about what others are going through, except to tell them "You should do "cry it out" -- it worked great for me!"

You should have mentioned all that when talking about those meanie, meanie moms who aren't inviting you to lunch with them. Now it all makes sense!

Besides which, CIO mom is not taking into account that some babies cry for TWO HOURS not 10 minutes. My DS cried so hard he pooped three nights in a row. So different strokes for different folks. Different babies have different temperments and maybe your attitude didn't convey that understanding. You sound as small-minded as the people you professed to avoid.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Could be wrong, but I don't think the poster that many people are now responding to is the OP.

Yup -- you are right!

I don't think OP has posted since her second post, actually.

[Anonymous]

My baby cried for 2 hours too when she was an infant. She cried so much one night she threw up. Next night, her nose started bleeding. After 4 trials, she started sleeping through the night and has ever since. I think what she was trying to say (I'm not CIO mom, just the mom who wants to be friends with her) is that sometimes it does have to do with what you can handle, not with the baby. My best friend never let her daughter CIO. I never tried to change her mind about it. Her daughter is still a poor sleeper, waking up in the middle of the night demanding attention. My daughter, the same age, will actually tell me "I'm tired, wanna go to bed." (she is 2). But CIO was not the right choice for my friend. Because SHE wasn't able to do it, not because my daughter is an "easier" child. That doesn't mean my choice was better than hers. It just means I tried something that worked for me and now I'm trying to spread the word. It doesn't mean I'm saying my way is the "right" way. I saw my baby's nose bleeding! No mom wants to see that. My when my daughter wakes up all happy after sleeping 10h/night (and not cranky and sleep deprived), I think it's worth it. That's MY choice.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:My baby cried for 2 hours too when she was an infant. She cried so much one night she threw up. Next night, her nose started bleeding. After 4 trials, she started sleeping through the night and has ever since. I think what she was trying to say (I'm not CIO mom, just the mom who wants to be friends with her) is that sometimes it does have to do with what you can handle, not with the baby. My best friend never let her daughter CIO. I never tried to change her mind about it. Her daughter is still a poor sleeper, waking up in the middle of the night demanding attention. My daughter, the same age, will actually tell me "I'm tired, wanna go to bed." (she is 2). But CIO was not the right choice for my friend. Because SHE wasn't able to do it, not because my daughter is an "easier" child. That doesn't mean my choice was better than hers. It just means I tried something that worked for me and now I'm trying to spread the word. It doesn't mean I'm saying my way is the "right" way. I saw my baby's nose bleeding! No mom wants to see that. My when my daughter wakes up all happy after sleeping 10h/night (and not cranky and sleep deprived), I think it's worth it. That's MY choice.

Yup - all babies are different and respond differently. We didn't do CIO and my now 2.5 year old also sleeps straight thru for about 10 hours a night. Very well rested. It is easy to think that what works for you will work for others, but it isn't so. I wouldn't want to be friends with someone who determines I have nothing to offer as a friend because one of my parenting choices doesn't appeal to her. And we can't forget that many of our choices aren't absolute. You don't get pregnant and decide on the spot that youwill do CIO. You probably evolve to that decision after several sleepless nights, after trying co-sleeping, rocking, feeding, music, white noise, reading, etc. With some, we find the magic bullet right away, with others, it takes a lot of trial and error.

[Anonymous]

I am the CIO poster and I regret using such an inflammatory example to show how I felt about my play group experience. I did not mean to offend anybody that doesn't use/believe in CIO.

I was just trying to illustrate why I did not feel comfortable in my group. I could have used another example.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I am a PP who is now working.

I think we're dealing with personality conflicts. Likes attract likes.

Personally, I'd prefer to be around some bitching women who aren't candy-coating their SAH lifestyle. I like people who are brutally honest and yes, tough!

But when I stayed home, I had a hard time finding women who - for lack of a better word - appealed to me. And I began to wonder if perhaps I had made the right decision b/c so many of these SAHMs seemed deliriously happy being soccer moms, volunteering endless hours at their child's school, and talking about baby milestones. If I cracked open a bottle of wine during a play date (afternoon, I'll clarify), I received some odd looks. On the flip side, my working pals would bring over a bottle! And we'd gab and bitch, have a glass of wine, and munch on cheese crackers.

So maybe there are the more cynical types - the "tough" ones - who have a harder time fitting into these groups b/c baby milestones and lunch duty aren't on their daily agenda!

I agree with you! And you have helped me define what kind of a person I would like to friends with.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I am the CIO poster and I regret using such an inflammatory example to show how I felt about my play group experience. I did not mean to offend anybody that doesn't use/believe in CIO.

I was just trying to illustrate why I did not feel comfortable in my group. I could have used another example.

Still... Wanna be my friend?