Pregnant with non-boyfriend - he wants me to keep it

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Do you want to marry him OP? You’re divorced and should have a good idea whether he is marriage material or not. Money alone isn’t a good enough reason.

How old are your two kids?

I would like to marry him, but he’s kind of a confirmed bachelor. Married to work, works 60+ hours a week, travels extensively. This is why he’s a “non-boyfriend.” Although we get on really well, and do love each other, he’s just not really there when it comes to commitment.

This plus your hesitation are big red flags to me. Follow your instincts but I'd probably terminate this pregnancy.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:In your shoes, my own, living, right-here-at-home now kids would be THE one and only key thing to consider here. This would rock their world twice over (new stepdad and new sibling) and would also possibly set up a huge divide in your home: Your kids with your ex, and "his" kid for whom the "has millions" dad could provide. There is no plan at all for his being a parent to your children and you have zero idea how he might treat them, or whether he is in any way equipped mentally or emotionally to be their stepfather. He has no children of his own, he hasn't even met your children (yet you have known each other as friends for years so... he's never even met them casually before you were sleeping together?). I would put my own existing children first and recognize that this is recipe for a divided household.

Also: He offered marriage only after he got you pregnant. I know that can work out; I've seen it work. But honestly I'd always wonder if he would have wanted to marry me without the "oops" pregnancy. Not a great basis for a solid life together.

The Catholic thing is just dumb. Does he actually attend church? Participate in a religious life? If his only "Catholicism" is that which emerged when he told you he doesn't like abortion, then he's not really religious; he just has qualms based on a knee-jerk response to the idea of abortion. Don't let the religious claim sway you at all here.

Your post indicates you are not thrilled and also not in some kind of gooey "We're having a baby and that will bring us closer together!" romantic phase about all this. Follow your instinct here. If you keep this baby I would consider doing it without marrying him until AFTER the baby is here and he has had a lot of time to get to know your own children well. And I'd get all the legal ducks in a row for child support and custody arrangements until you do marry him -- if you do. If you choose not to have this baby I would not lie and invent a miscarriage but would have the abortion and then tell him. He will likely break up over it so be ready for that.

I agree with this 100%.

I also agree with this. I think that your existing children are the most important consideration in this situation. That he has not even met them would be a huge deal for me.

FWIW, I have been in this situation, sort of. I got pregnant by accident (actual birth control failure, not "oops forgot condom") two years after getting divorced with a 4yo. My boyfriend and I were in an actual relationship and did want to marry and have children - AT SOME POINT. He'd only just met my daughter and we decided (TOGETHER) that it was not in her best interest to accelerate the process. It would have been harder in a number of ways to have the baby at that point and help DD adjust. We ended up choosing to abort. We stayed together and got married a year later, then had a baby a year after that. This allowed DD to adjust to the idea of me being in a new relationship, having a stepdad, and getting a baby sibling without forcing those things all to happen at the same time. I do feel that the unplanned pregnancy brought us together and solidified our desires and priorities. It just also made it really clear to both of us that it was too soon.

If this guy is a good guy, you should be able to have these conversations with him. He is allowed his reactions to the idea of abortion, but he needs to accept that your children's needs are at least as important as his kneejerk reaction against abortion. Even in a scenario where you continue the pregnancy and then give up custody, their lives will be affected. How old are they? How long have you been divorced? This is all relevant.

These posters have the best advice, OP. You can't reasonably consider marrying someone with whom you can't have the tough, honest conversation about this pregnancy beyond his knee-jerk "I'm Catholic" rationale not to terminate. Also, you've been together for a year and he hasn't met your children? It doesn't sound like you consider him a serious partner at all, which is even more reason not to rush into another commitment.

[Anonymous]

^^Just saw your update: you have your answer, unless marriage and essentially solo parenting three children sounds appealing to you. (It doesn't to me, not by choice, as a happy mom of three.)

[Anonymous]

Your opening post says the guy has always wanted a kid. He's in his mid-forties. Why hasn't this happened yet for him? There are lots of guys who have a very busy lifestyle and yet manage to have children before that age (regardless of whether or not they marry). What I am trying to understand is what his *primary* motivation for not wanting you to abort is: his religion or does he want THIS child? If it's the latter, is he willing to invest into being a parent? Or is it just that he'll write you a check (helpful but not sufficient) and be a father when it's convenient for him?

[Anonymous]

He sounds a little flaky honestly.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Do you want to marry him OP? You’re divorced and should have a good idea whether he is marriage material or not. Money alone isn’t a good enough reason.

How old are your two kids?

I would like to marry him, but he’s kind of a confirmed bachelor. Married to work, works 60+ hours a week, travels extensively. This is why he’s a “non-boyfriend.” Although we get on really well, and do love each other, he’s just not really there when it comes to commitment.

This plus your hesitation are big red flags to me. Follow your instincts but I'd probably terminate this pregnancy.

OP I agree with other posters that you need to sit down and talk to this guy and put it all out on the table. What does financial support mean, what does emotional support mean, what are the living arrangements, is marriage on the table.

I think this situation could go many ways. The best possible outcome is that you realize you love each other and get married and live the high life and have your third kid. The worst possible outcome is that he leaves you hanging and does nothing at all.

Seems like worst case is super unlikely. So talk to him, he doesn't want you to abort and you love him so its time to have a really serious conversation. No one on DCUM knows this guy, and even you probably don't know him as well as you think.

Considering that he REALLY wants the child AND that you do want a third but are just conflicted in this situation, than I think a real come to jesus about the whole thing is in order. Give him the opportunity to fully understand this and make his proposal (not necessarily of marriage but of what life looks like with this baby in it).

Also, as you talk through this, make sure to keep your other two children in mind. When one child is significantly more wealthy than your other children because they have a rich different parent it can cause a lot of friction. So if it were me, part of this would be a, 'we are a package deal' situation.

[Anonymous]

Have a “miscarriage “ ie abortion. Bringing another child into the world is a big commitment that lasts a lifetime. Most women get over an abortion long before a child is 20!

[Anonymous]

He's 40 and always wanted a child but also works 60+ hours and isn't engaged? What happens if you do stay together (married or not?). He will want a SAH mother/primary caregiver. It will turn your kids' lives upside down to have a child in the context he wants. I'm sorry but your living children preempt his resistance. I would abort.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:He's 40 and always wanted a child but also works 60+ hours and isn't engaged? What happens if you do stay together (married or not?). He will want a SAH mother/primary caregiver. It will turn your kids' lives upside down to have a child in the context he wants. I'm sorry but your living children preempt his resistance. I would abort.

I know plenty of wealthy SAHMs with husbands who work a lot and quite enjoy their setup.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:He's 40 and always wanted a child but also works 60+ hours and isn't engaged? What happens if you do stay together (married or not?). He will want a SAH mother/primary caregiver. It will turn your kids' lives upside down to have a child in the context he wants. I'm sorry but your living children preempt his resistance. I would abort.

I know plenty of wealthy SAHMs with husbands who work a lot and quite enjoy their setup.

But OP doesn't have that set up. She works apparently and that is the environment she chose to best raise her kids. This new guy knocks her up and is going to turn their whole structure upside down? No thanks. YMMV.

[Anonymous]

There are so many red flags in this. He’s not really into commitment ( and proved it by staying single and childfree in his 40s). He works all the time. You already have 2 children. He didn’t rush forward with a proposal.
Well he did: you have the baby. You will be a single mom which you already are. If you are ok with that maybe.
Otherwise nooooo

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:He's 40 and always wanted a child but also works 60+ hours and isn't engaged? What happens if you do stay together (married or not?). He will want a SAH mother/primary caregiver. It will turn your kids' lives upside down to have a child in the context he wants. I'm sorry but your living children preempt his resistance. I would abort.

They could raise the child jointly and she could get generous child support.

But the "oops" miscarriage seems like a better option. Unless OP wants the child.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:He's 40 and always wanted a child but also works 60+ hours and isn't engaged? What happens if you do stay together (married or not?). He will want a SAH mother/primary caregiver. It will turn your kids' lives upside down to have a child in the context he wants. I'm sorry but your living children preempt his resistance. I would abort.

I know plenty of wealthy SAHMs with husbands who work a lot and quite enjoy their setup.

But OP doesn't have that set up. She works apparently and that is the environment she chose to best raise her kids. This new guy knocks her up and is going to turn their whole structure upside down? No thanks. YMMV.

No, she currently has to work. There’s a difference. You don’t know whether she chose that or not.

[Anonymous]

Also his form of birth control sounds fishy to me. Perhaps he should try it on another friend.

[Anonymous]

OP your language sounds like well off yourself. This guy seems like trouble. You are 35. Miscarriages happen all the time at that age. No need to get him all involved since you will be the one raising the child. Also money doesn’t cure everything. He will be an old Dad.