Pregnant with non-boyfriend - he wants me to keep it

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:All you DCUMers saying to marry the guy are blinded by his supposed "millions". Reminds me of 50 Shades of Grey. If he was some bus driver making $30K a year, we all know what the answer to OP's question would be. The hypocrisy is astounding. Personally, I don't think highly of people who end up in OP's situation..men or women...but it does sound like OP is one of those single moms.

Nope, just being practical. It is an absolute fact that money can bring more stability to a marriage, and take out a whole list of stressors. Or course it is easier to marry a rich man who loves you vs. a poor one. If OP is a pregnant single mom, the stability that an established man who loves her would bring to her life would be a good thing.

On a side note, I'd be curious to know the general source of this guy's money. Is he self-made? Is he a layabout over grown party boy with a trust fund? Is he feeding at the trough of his parents' wealth, in which case they could cut off support at any time? Is he a responsible guy with a trust fund?

LOL, spoken like a gold-digger!

[Anonymous]

If he wants you to have your kid and he is a millionaire why you don’t sign with him an agreement for child support? After all you also said you enjoy being a mom and financial help from him would make things easier.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:In your shoes, my own, living, right-here-at-home now kids would be THE one and only key thing to consider here. This would rock their world twice over (new stepdad and new sibling) and would also possibly set up a huge divide in your home: Your kids with your ex, and "his" kid for whom the "has millions" dad could provide. There is no plan at all for his being a parent to your children and you have zero idea how he might treat them, or whether he is in any way equipped mentally or emotionally to be their stepfather. He has no children of his own, he hasn't even met your children (yet you have known each other as friends for years so... he's never even met them casually before you were sleeping together?). I would put my own existing children first and recognize that this is recipe for a divided household.

Also: He offered marriage only after he got you pregnant. I know that can work out; I've seen it work. But honestly I'd always wonder if he would have wanted to marry me without the "oops" pregnancy. Not a great basis for a solid life together.

The Catholic thing is just dumb. Does he actually attend church? Participate in a religious life? If his only "Catholicism" is that which emerged when he told you he doesn't like abortion, then he's not really religious; he just has qualms based on a knee-jerk response to the idea of abortion. Don't let the religious claim sway you at all here.

Your post indicates you are not thrilled and also not in some kind of gooey "We're having a baby and that will bring us closer together!" romantic phase about all this. Follow your instinct here. If you keep this baby I would consider doing it without marrying him until AFTER the baby is here and he has had a lot of time to get to know your own children well. And I'd get all the legal ducks in a row for child support and custody arrangements until you do marry him -- if you do. If you choose not to have this baby I would not lie and invent a miscarriage but would have the abortion and then tell him. He will likely break up over it so be ready for that.

I agree with this 100%.

I also agree with this. I think that your existing children are the most important consideration in this situation. That he has not even met them would be a huge deal for me.

FWIW, I have been in this situation, sort of. I got pregnant by accident (actual birth control failure, not "oops forgot condom") two years after getting divorced with a 4yo. My boyfriend and I were in an actual relationship and did want to marry and have children - AT SOME POINT. He'd only just met my daughter and we decided (TOGETHER) that it was not in her best interest to accelerate the process. It would have been harder in a number of ways to have the baby at that point and help DD adjust. We ended up choosing to abort. We stayed together and got married a year later, then had a baby a year after that. This allowed DD to adjust to the idea of me being in a new relationship, having a stepdad, and getting a baby sibling without forcing those things all to happen at the same time. I do feel that the unplanned pregnancy brought us together and solidified our desires and priorities. It just also made it really clear to both of us that it was too soon.

If this guy is a good guy, you should be able to have these conversations with him. He is allowed his reactions to the idea of abortion, but he needs to accept that your children's needs are at least as important as his kneejerk reaction against abortion. Even in a scenario where you continue the pregnancy and then give up custody, their lives will be affected. How old are they? How long have you been divorced? This is all relevant.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Marry him, idiot.

+1

Exactly.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:If he has millions, that will make things much easier on you. Seriously, get a full time nanny for the baby and who can also help with school
Pick up for older kids. Outsource cooking and cleaning. I’m super pro choice but I think you should have the baby. He sounds like he will be involved. You have dated for a year and you love him, why are assuming it’s going to end?

This is what I would chose to do. Super pro-choice, but in this situation, I couldn't abort.

My only worry is being stuck with another a-hole in my life forever.

[Anonymous]

I wouldn’t marry him, yet. Three kids by two dads is better than three kids by two dads and twice divorced.

If he wants you to have the child and will be involved and financially supportive, then have it—with the hopes that you will get married in the near future. Maybe he isn’t the love of your life, but you get along well and have been in each others lives for years, and if he turns out to be a great father and financially supportive, that sounds good enough.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Him being Catholic is not a reason for you to keep it, because he should have known to marry you before engaging in conduct that could bring a child into the world.

Would you consider having the child and giving it to him to raise on his own? I mean if he thinks it is OK for you to single parent, why shouldn't he do that himself?

I think the abortion thing is just a culturally ingrained thing - he’s not a practicing Catholic (obviously), but the idea of *my* aborting his kid makes him bristle.

I couldn’t hand over the kid. I actually enjoy being a mother, but it’s hard enough with two. Add an infant to the mix - oy!

He's got millions. Get a nanny and housekeeper.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:All you DCUMers saying to marry the guy are blinded by his supposed "millions". Reminds me of 50 Shades of Grey. If he was some bus driver making $30K a year, we all know what the answer to OP's question would be. The hypocrisy is astounding. Personally, I don't think highly of people who end up in OP's situation..men or women...but it does sound like OP is one of those single moms.

Nope, just being practical. It is an absolute fact that money can bring more stability to a marriage, and take out a whole list of stressors. Or course it is easier to marry a rich man who loves you vs. a poor one. If OP is a pregnant single mom, the stability that an established man who loves her would bring to her life would be a good thing.

On a side note, I'd be curious to know the general source of this guy's money. Is he self-made? Is he a layabout over grown party boy with a trust fund? Is he feeding at the trough of his parents' wealth, in which case they could cut off support at any time? Is he a responsible guy with a trust fund?

LOL, spoken like a gold-digger!

Money makes child care easier. Fact of life.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Marry him?

I’ve thought about this. I worry, though, because he hasn’t even met my children, and it would be a huge change for everyone involved in a very short amount of time. Seems like a recipe for disaster.

Well, you're friends, you love him and he's suggested marriage. At 5 weeks, you both need to have the fast hard talk. Get an overnight sitter and hole up for 24 hours to figure it out. He has the means and from what he says, the desire to be with you and baby. He knows you have kids and still offered this commitment which means he is committed to your family. It's the best possible scenario.

Lot of details to work out but it can work. As long as your kids are loved and included in the process, they will be ok! You're not blending family, this will be their baby too! 9 months is a long time in kid time, they'll be ok!

+1

[Anonymous]

Is he your boyfriend or not? I’m confused by the fact that you say you love him and he’s interested in getting married but you also call him a non-boyfriend. Is he involved with someone else?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:If he’s not even your boyfriend I don’t think his opinion counts for a lot. What do you want?

OP here. I’m conflicted. I would like another child - within the context of marriage. That said, I’m in my mid-thirties and know my clock is ticking. I’m on the fence.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Do you want to marry him OP? You’re divorced and should have a good idea whether he is marriage material or not. Money alone isn’t a good enough reason.

How old are your two kids?

I would like to marry him, but he’s kind of a confirmed bachelor. Married to work, works 60+ hours a week, travels extensively. This is why he’s a “non-boyfriend.” Although we get on really well, and do love each other, he’s just not really there when it comes to commitment.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Not enough information. How old are your DCs? How much custody do you have? Are you financially stable? Do you get spousal support (which will be gone if you remarry)?

If you love and want to be with him and are willing to because of these feelings have a baby with him...why not consider some alternatives. If your kids are 5/6 or under, they’ll adjust quickly to your non-Boyfriend. Regardless, why not spend time with new baby and boyfriend when DCs are with their Dad and keep a separate place with DCs which non-Boyfriend can come over to slowly get to know the kids.

My kids are 8 and 6, and I have virtually full custody. Dad lives across the country and sees them for big holidays, every few months, and then for a chunk of the summer. I am financially stable. No spousal support.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:All you DCUMers saying to marry the guy are blinded by his supposed "millions". Reminds me of 50 Shades of Grey. If he was some bus driver making $30K a year, we all know what the answer to OP's question would be. The hypocrisy is astounding. Personally, I don't think highly of people who end up in OP's situation..men or women...but it does sound like OP is one of those single moms.

Nope, just being practical. It is an absolute fact that money can bring more stability to a marriage, and take out a whole list of stressors. Or course it is easier to marry a rich man who loves you vs. a poor one. If OP is a pregnant single mom, the stability that an established man who loves her would bring to her life would be a good thing.

On a side note, I'd be curious to know the general source of this guy's money. Is he self-made? Is he a layabout over grown party boy with a trust fund? Is he feeding at the trough of his parents' wealth, in which case they could cut off support at any time? Is he a responsible guy with a trust fund?

He is financially conservative and had a modest trust that he invested well. Well-educated, super smart, very hard worker. He’s a business executive.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Is he your boyfriend or not? I’m confused by the fact that you say you love him and he’s interested in getting married but you also call him a non-boyfriend. Is he involved with someone else?

He’s not involved with anyone else.