Pregnant with non-boyfriend - he wants me to keep it

[Anonymous]

Hi DCUM. Please don’t flame me.

Been dating a guy for about a year - were friends for a long time before that. I’m mid-thirties, divorced with two kids, he’s early forties, never married, no kids.

We were fooling around and had sex without a condom. He pulled out, and it was a week before I was supposed to ovulate, so I didn’t think twice about it. (Dumb!) Well, here I am, just found out I was pregnant last week.

The guy has always wanted a kid and was raised Catholic - he desperately does NOT want me to abort. He’s well-off (like, millions) and has assured me he’ll provide very well.

I’m just hitting a groove in my career and have a very hard time thinking about raising three children without a partner, to say nothing about finding a partner with three kids from two men. Not a look I aspire to.

I really wish I hadn’t told him. I’m stuck. WWYD?

[Anonymous]

Marry him?

[Anonymous]

How far along are you? If you weren’t pregnant would you have any ongoing friendship/relationship with him?

[Anonymous]

Him being Catholic is not a reason for you to keep it, because he should have known to marry you before engaging in conduct that could bring a child into the world.

Would you consider having the child and giving it to him to raise on his own? I mean if he thinks it is OK for you to single parent, why shouldn't he do that himself?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:How far along are you? If you weren’t pregnant would you have any ongoing friendship/relationship with him?

Five weeks. Yes, I love him and I like him - this just wasn’t in the plans.

[Anonymous]

Give him the kid.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Him being Catholic is not a reason for you to keep it, because he should have known to marry you before engaging in conduct that could bring a child into the world.

Would you consider having the child and giving it to him to raise on his own? I mean if he thinks it is OK for you to single parent, why shouldn't he do that himself?

I think the abortion thing is just a culturally ingrained thing - he’s not a practicing Catholic (obviously), but the idea of *my* aborting his kid makes him bristle.

I couldn’t hand over the kid. I actually enjoy being a mother, but it’s hard enough with two. Add an infant to the mix - oy!

[Anonymous]

Has he brought up marriage as a possibility?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Marry him?

I’ve thought about this. I worry, though, because he hasn’t even met my children, and it would be a huge change for everyone involved in a very short amount of time. Seems like a recipe for disaster.

[Anonymous]

I'd marry him. Get a prenup. With the understanding that you may divorce later, or have an open marriage. Be clear on roles, responsibilities, and financial commitments for the next 22 years. Let him pay for a nanny while you are married.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Has he brought up marriage as a possibility?

Yes.

[Anonymous]

I'm not a fan of oops abortions but honestly, you need to think about the worst case scenario here. If he leaves you alone with this kid and you cannot get child support or you share custody and your CS is minimal and you're doing all the work and coparenting with two different dads, will you manage? Will you be fair to that kid and give it a good life? If yes, keep it. If not, don't and tell him you miscarried. He doesn't need to know the truth. Women get flamed for not telling men all the time, and I get that, but when the majority of men bail on CS and aren't helpful coparents, you get to make a decision about proceeding forward, not him.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Marry him?

I’ve thought about this. I worry, though, because he hasn’t even met my children, and it would be a huge change for everyone involved in a very short amount of time. Seems like a recipe for disaster.

You have six-to-nine months to do the introductions and get everyone on the same page before you have to go to the courthouse, get married, and start cohabitating.

[Anonymous]

any reason why not to marry or get engaged?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I'm not a fan of oops abortions but honestly, you need to think about the worst case scenario here. If he leaves you alone with this kid and you cannot get child support or you share custody and your CS is minimal and you're doing all the work and coparenting with two different dads, will you manage? Will you be fair to that kid and give it a good life? If yes, keep it. If not, don't and tell him you miscarried. He doesn't need to know the truth. Women get flamed for not telling men all the time, and I get that, but when the majority of men bail on CS and aren't helpful coparents, you get to make a decision about proceeding forward, not him.

OP said he's worth millions. I'm sure he'd be willing to sign an agreemnet for child support right now, to ensure the _child_ is taken care of financially until they are 18 or longer.