Pregnant with non-boyfriend - he wants me to keep it

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Do you want to marry him OP? You’re divorced and should have a good idea whether he is marriage material or not. Money alone isn’t a good enough reason.

How old are your two kids?

I would like to marry him, but he’s kind of a confirmed bachelor. Married to work, works 60+ hours a week, travels extensively. This is why he’s a “non-boyfriend.” Although we get on really well, and do love each other, he’s just not really there when it comes to commitment.

This new info settles it. You’d be insane to continue the pregnancy with such a guy as the dad. This guy is better off never fathering a child.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Do you want to marry him OP? You’re divorced and should have a good idea whether he is marriage material or not. Money alone isn’t a good enough reason.

How old are your two kids?

I would like to marry him, but he’s kind of a confirmed bachelor. Married to work, works 60+ hours a week, travels extensively. This is why he’s a “non-boyfriend.” Although we get on really well, and do love each other, he’s just not really there when it comes to commitment.

This new info settles it. You’d be insane to continue the pregnancy with such a guy as the dad. This guy is better off never fathering a child.

+1. This is probably going to get real messy, real quick. Really detrimental to the first two kids and in the future, this one. Having an absentee dad who can't commit and just comes in to have some action with mom once and awhile is a bad sitch.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP is completely enticingly vague about the relationship. It sounds like “with benefits “ relationship that resulted in an oops. Doesn’t sound like love. Doesn’t sound like commitment. Sounds like a problem. Take away the money (not guaranteed) and you have really nothing but an unwanted pregnancy and a baby daddy.

OP here. This is a relationship that works in a lot of ways, but neither of us were in a rush to take it to the next level for reasons previously outlined, though deeper commitment and a future were potential future options. I’m on the fence about marriage (right now) because - although we love each other - marriage, a new family (particularly for him, who’s never been married and isn’t a dad), and a baby in the span of eight months feels insane.

He’s willing to work with me on a long-term financial plan and would be a hands-on dad. (He acknowledges he needs to work less.) He’s also willing to provide resources that would make my day-to-day life easier (a nanny, a house cleaner). He doesn’t want there to be a dynamic that separates “my kids” from the new baby, but I make a fine living myself and my two older kids are well provided for - their dad does well, too. (Neither of us, however, is a millionaire.)

No matter what happens, he and I will always be friends. We’ve known each other forever and are very close. It’s a safe relationship and I trust him, and I respect him, and he feels the same way about me. Both of my kids have asked for a younger sibling over the years and I asked them the other day how they would feel *if* I had a new baby, and they reacted with happiness and excitement. I’m leaning toward having the baby.

I still can’t understand why you’ve been “friends forever” and are “very close” but he has never met your kids.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Well, abortion doesn’t solve all problems either. A friend of mine had an abortion and after that ended up with clinical depression and a lot of ‘what ifs’. An other one got very embarrassed when years later one of her older kids found out about the ‘missing sibling’. It is not an easy choice. Plus probably the OP will split up with the guy anyway after abortion since this is going to be a deal breaker for him.

Anecdotes are not persuasive. There are many people who've felt relief after an abortion in a complicated situation.

Depression after abortion is not that rare and can be a pretty serious complication
https://americanpregnancy.org/unplanned-pregnancy/abortion-emotional-effects/

Just because these words are written on a random website doesn't make them true. If you want to make a claim like this, please link to an actual study in a peer-reviewed journal.

Here a very recent one on a very large sample of women but there are many more articles, just do a quick search with PubMed
https://www.ncbi.nlm.nih.gov/m/pubmed/30921593/?i=4&from=depression%20abortion

Guess I'm just another anecdote but I pray to whatever higher being exists that my daughters never have to go through an abortion. The odds probably aren't in their favor, as I suspect rates are higher than reported. I'm pro-choice to the core, but I'm not sure I would survive another abortion after I had one at 28 (pre-kids). It took me a year to mostly recover mentally. Not sure I've ever 100% recovered.

But for others it IS the right choice and they don't regret it. I already had depression issues so for me it just triggered a long, major episode. Others are different. OP if you can't wrap your mind around another child, you don't have to. The idea of money is enticing but is it enough?

Sorry to add to the derail, but I had an abortion in my late teens and became consumed with guilt, dropped out of school, and was suicidal. I engaged in myriad self-destructive behaviors for years following and have never forgiven myself, despite lots of therapy/prayer/etc. I was (and still am) pro-choice, but abortion is a serious decision with lasting consequences.

I had an abortion at 20. I went on to finish college, attend graduate school and meet the love of my life. We lived on both coasts and a stint in the Midwest before moving to DC and starting a family.

My children are beautiful. My husband is a wonderful human being who can still make me laugh and brighten my day. I rarely think about that day over 15 years ago, but when I do, I feel nothing but relief. The guy I was dating at 20 was so wrong for me in many ways. After my children were born and babies were no longer a theoretical decision, I felt even more secure that I had made the right choice. It is hard to raise children. Period. It’s hard even when you’re ready and you’re married to the person you love and you’re both financially and emotionally stable.

Having a child at 20 with a guy I was about to break up with, before graduating, before having a job would have been disastrous. There are no words for how relieved I feel not to be trapped in that life. I was incredibly lucky that when I needed it, healthcare for women was still legal.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:You have hit the jackpot. Have him pay very good alimony and child support, hire a nanny and a housekeeper and keep on living your life. This kid will be taken care of.
Dad can also have custody! Dang I would be thrilled!

Alimony? She and the non-boyfriend are not married. Alimony is paid in a divorce. Your greedy drooling over this "jackpot" is dulling your mind.

So you have no thought at all for OP's own children and how this might affect them and their relationship with OP? Because that is the real consideration. All the cash and nannies and housekeepers in the world won't alter the fact that this baby or marriage or not marrying all will affect OP's kids' lives. And don't assume the change will be entirely for the better.

They can agree on whatever, call it what you will. A stipend which is spent on older kids among other things. Nanny for baby, housekeeper for all. I don’t know how well the older kids’ father is providing for them.

Which sane 40s millionaire bachelor would seriously consider a single mom of 2 as a potential wife? When he could have a childless woman to start a family with? He's playing you OP. Stop telling yourself "we love each other" because we honestly don't believe it. He doesnt even consider you a proper girlfriend LOL

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP is completely enticingly vague about the relationship. It sounds like “with benefits “ relationship that resulted in an oops. Doesn’t sound like love. Doesn’t sound like commitment. Sounds like a problem. Take away the money (not guaranteed) and you have really nothing but an unwanted pregnancy and a baby daddy.

OP here. This is a relationship that works in a lot of ways, but neither of us were in a rush to take it to the next level for reasons previously outlined, though deeper commitment and a future were potential future options. I’m on the fence about marriage (right now) because - although we love each other - marriage, a new family (particularly for him, who’s never been married and isn’t a dad), and a baby in the span of eight months feels insane.

He’s willing to work with me on a long-term financial plan and would be a hands-on dad. (He acknowledges he needs to work less.) He’s also willing to provide resources that would make my day-to-day life easier (a nanny, a house cleaner). He doesn’t want there to be a dynamic that separates “my kids” from the new baby, but I make a fine living myself and my two older kids are well provided for - their dad does well, too. (Neither of us, however, is a millionaire.)

No matter what happens, he and I will always be friends. We’ve known each other forever and are very close. It’s a safe relationship and I trust him, and I respect him, and he feels the same way about me. Both of my kids have asked for a younger sibling over the years and I asked them the other day how they would feel *if* I had a new baby, and they reacted with happiness and excitement. I’m leaning toward having the baby.

OP this update give a different perspective and a real chance that this could work out well. I wish you many blessings for your life and for your family. May you all be happy together.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP is completely enticingly vague about the relationship. It sounds like “with benefits “ relationship that resulted in an oops. Doesn’t sound like love. Doesn’t sound like commitment. Sounds like a problem. Take away the money (not guaranteed) and you have really nothing but an unwanted pregnancy and a baby daddy.

OP here. This is a relationship that works in a lot of ways, but neither of us were in a rush to take it to the next level for reasons previously outlined, though deeper commitment and a future were potential future options. I’m on the fence about marriage (right now) because - although we love each other - marriage, a new family (particularly for him, who’s never been married and isn’t a dad), and a baby in the span of eight months feels insane.

He’s willing to work with me on a long-term financial plan and would be a hands-on dad. (He acknowledges he needs to work less.) He’s also willing to provide resources that would make my day-to-day life easier (a nanny, a house cleaner). He doesn’t want there to be a dynamic that separates “my kids” from the new baby, but I make a fine living myself and my two older kids are well provided for - their dad does well, too. (Neither of us, however, is a millionaire.)

No matter what happens, he and I will always be friends. We’ve known each other forever and are very close. It’s a safe relationship and I trust him, and I respect him, and he feels the same way about me. Both of my kids have asked for a younger sibling over the years and I asked them the other day how they would feel *if* I had a new baby, and they reacted with happiness and excitement. I’m leaning toward having the baby.

OP this update give a different perspective and a real chance that this could work out well. I wish you many blessings for your life and for your family. May you all be happy together.

+1 much happiness OP. Take special care of yourself.

[Anonymous]

Hi OP. Just jumped straight to page 13 to tell you DON'T DO IT. (I mean, unless your heart tells you different.)

Live your life. If it were me I'd barrel towards the nearest abortion provider and get an IUD..
...Actually, that was me, and that's what I did.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP is completely enticingly vague about the relationship. It sounds like “with benefits “ relationship that resulted in an oops. Doesn’t sound like love. Doesn’t sound like commitment. Sounds like a problem. Take away the money (not guaranteed) and you have really nothing but an unwanted pregnancy and a baby daddy.

OP here. This is a relationship that works in a lot of ways, but neither of us were in a rush to take it to the next level for reasons previously outlined, though deeper commitment and a future were potential future options. I’m on the fence about marriage (right now) because - although we love each other - marriage, a new family (particularly for him, who’s never been married and isn’t a dad), and a baby in the span of eight months feels insane.

He’s willing to work with me on a long-term financial plan and would be a hands-on dad. (He acknowledges he needs to work less.) He’s also willing to provide resources that would make my day-to-day life easier (a nanny, a house cleaner). He doesn’t want there to be a dynamic that separates “my kids” from the new baby, but I make a fine living myself and my two older kids are well provided for - their dad does well, too. (Neither of us, however, is a millionaire.)

No matter what happens, he and I will always be friends. We’ve known each other forever and are very close. It’s a safe relationship and I trust him, and I respect him, and he feels the same way about me. Both of my kids have asked for a younger sibling over the years and I asked them the other day how they would feel *if* I had a new baby, and they reacted with happiness and excitement. I’m leaning toward having the baby.

In my country we say that every baby arrives in the world with his/her little bundle. I hope in your baby bundle there is joy for all of you. Take good care of yourself and I wish the best for all of you.

[Anonymous]

Op I hope you marry him and keep it.

[Anonymous]

I don’t get it, you love each other but he’s not your boyfriend?

[Anonymous]

The fundamental question is whether you could live with yourself after having an abortion. It’s an emotional decision. Only you can answer that, and it’s your personal feelings that count. I have met many people who have lived well with their decision, and a couple who didn’t. The ones who did not, had trouble because they went with what seemed “logical” or practical, but internally weren’t comfortable with the idea of abortion.

Only you know who you are. So if you lean towards keeping the baby, just marry the guy. You’ve known him long enough, you get on, you like each other (which is actually more enduring than butterflies) and he can provide for the family. Maybe not how you thought it was going to go, but there it is.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:The fundamental question is whether you could live with yourself after having an abortion. It’s an emotional decision. Only you can answer that, and it’s your personal feelings that count. I have met many people who have lived well with their decision, and a couple who didn’t. The ones who did not, had trouble because they went with what seemed “logical” or practical, but internally weren’t comfortable with the idea of abortion.

Only you know who you are. So if you lean towards keeping the baby, just marry the guy. You’ve known him long enough, you get on, you like each other (which is actually more enduring than butterflies) and he can provide for the family. Maybe not how you thought it was going to go, but there it is.

+1

[Anonymous]

Holy shit! I didn't read the entire thread, but have an abortion and tell him you miscarried. Done.

Take advantage of your right to choose before it's taken away from you.

[Anonymous]

I wonder what OP decided....