Reply to Pregnant with non-boyfriend - he wants me to keep it

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[quote=Anonymous][quote=Anonymous][quote=Anonymous][quote=Anonymous]In your shoes, my own, living, right-here-at-home now kids would be THE one and only key thing to consider here. This would rock their world twice over (new stepdad and new sibling) and would also possibly set up a huge divide in your home: Your kids with your ex, and "his" kid for whom the "has millions" dad could provide. There is no plan at all for his being a parent to your children and you have zero idea how he might treat them, or whether he is in any way equipped mentally or emotionally to be their stepfather. He has no children of his own, he hasn't even met your children (yet you have known each other as friends for years so... he's never even met them casually before you were sleeping together?). I would put my own existing children first and recognize that this is recipe for a divided household.

Also: He offered marriage only after he got you pregnant. I know that can work out; I've seen it work. But honestly I'd always wonder if he would have wanted to marry me without the "oops" pregnancy. Not a great basis for a solid life together.

The Catholic thing is just dumb. Does he actually attend church? Participate in a religious life? If his only "Catholicism" is that which emerged when he told you he doesn't like abortion, then he's not really religious; he just has qualms based on a knee-jerk response to the idea of abortion. Don't let the religious claim sway you at all here.

Your post indicates you are not thrilled and also not in some kind of gooey "We're having a baby and that will bring us closer together!" romantic phase about all this. Follow your instinct here. If you keep this baby I would consider doing it without marrying him until AFTER the baby is here and he has had a lot of time to get to know your own children well. And I'd get all the legal ducks in a row for child support and custody arrangements until you do marry him -- if you do. If you choose not to have this baby I would not lie and invent a miscarriage but would have the abortion and then tell him. He will likely break up over it so be ready for that. [/quote]

I agree with this 100%.[/quote]

I also agree with this. I think that your existing children are the most important consideration in this situation. That he has not even met them would be a huge deal for me.

FWIW, I have been in this situation, sort of. I got pregnant by accident (actual birth control failure, not "oops forgot condom") two years after getting divorced with a 4yo. My boyfriend and I were in an actual relationship and did want to marry and have children - AT SOME POINT. He'd only just met my daughter and we decided (TOGETHER) that it was not in her best interest to accelerate the process. It would have been harder in a number of ways to have the baby at that point and help DD adjust. We ended up choosing to abort. We stayed together and got married a year later, then had a baby a year after that. This allowed DD to adjust to the idea of me being in a new relationship, having a stepdad, and getting a baby sibling without forcing those things all to happen at the same time. I do feel that the unplanned pregnancy brought us together and solidified our desires and priorities. It just also made it really clear to both of us that it was too soon.

If this guy is a good guy, you should be able to have these conversations with him. He is allowed his reactions to the idea of abortion, but he needs to accept that your children's needs are at least as important as his kneejerk reaction against abortion. Even in a scenario where you continue the pregnancy and then give up custody, their lives will be affected. How old are they? How long have you been divorced? This is all relevant.[/quote]

These posters have the best advice, OP.  You can't reasonably consider marrying someone with whom you can't have the tough, honest conversation about this pregnancy beyond his knee-jerk "I'm Catholic" rationale not to terminate.  Also, you've been together for a year and he hasn't met your children?  It doesn't sound like you consider him a serious partner at all, which is even more reason not to rush into another commitment.[/quote]

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