Son doesn't want to come home for Easter because we won't visit him in his new house

[Anonymous]

They are doing you a kindness by setting limits now before they have children. Realize that a seven hour drive with a baby or toddler becomes nine or 10 hours really quickly. Start adjusting your thinking, and prepare yourself to travel more frequently.

[Anonymous]

Again, why should they make all the effort and do all the traveling? OP never answered that question.

[Anonymous]

Hi all,OP here. You all make valid points. I should mention that DH and I offered to go down in August, since my work schedule was a lot more flexible (I run an enrichment program that holds rehearsals on Sunday’s during the school year, so my schedule is much more flexible in the summer time). However, DS said it wasn’t a great time with the move, and that DIL was having some health issues at the time.

It’s also beena very stressful time with my mother being in the hospital, as we had to deal with an insurance situation which we had to get lawyers involved, and I wanted to get that taken care of before leaving town.

I just wanted all of my sons back for the holiday, and to see them together with their grandmother, but I never tried to see it from my sons POV that we weren’t making an effort.

[Anonymous]

OP, I think you can probably tell that all your negative responses are coming from people in the age range of your son and DIL and who are sympathetic to them and their situation. If you want to get a more balanced point of view maybe try posting in the Midlife Concerns and Eldercare forum.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Hi all,OP here. You all make valid points. I should mention that DH and I offered to go down in August, since my work schedule was a lot more flexible (I run an enrichment program that holds rehearsals on Sunday’s during the school year, so my schedule is much more flexible in the summer time). However, DS said it wasn’t a great time with the move, and that DIL was having some health issues at the time.

It’s also beena very stressful time with my mother being in the hospital, as we had to deal with an insurance situation which we had to get lawyers involved, and I wanted to get that taken care of before leaving town.

I just wanted all of my sons back for the holiday, and to see them together with their grandmother, but I never tried to see it from my sons POV that we weren’t making an effort.

I'm glad you're thinking about this from his perspective now, OP.

And remember: it's not personal, but there is no "coming home" when he comes to visit you and DH. Yes, he's visiting you and visiting the place where he grew up, but his HOME is with his wife, where they choose to live.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP, I think you can probably tell that all your negative responses are coming from people in the age range of your son and DIL and who are sympathetic to them and their situation. If you want to get a more balanced point of view maybe try posting in the Midlife Concerns and Eldercare forum.

Um, well, the OP is trying to understand her son's perspective, yes?

If all OP wants to hear is the parroting back of her own view, then yes, she can post elsewhere. If she is truly trying to get where her son is coming from and how to meet him halfway, then this is exactly the perspective she needs.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Been married to my dh for 21 years and we moved away from MIL around the 10 year mark. She visited once in city #1 for a couple of days (we were there 5 years). We’ve been in city #2 for 6 years and she finally visited last year for 36 hours after my kids begged her bc they wanted to show her where they live. Needless to say, we visit several times a year and it costs us $$ because we stay in a hotel instead of her house.

No, it's' not "needless" to say; you do need to say it, and maybe explain it to those of us who aren't complete doormats.

My parents live 10 hours away by car/2 hr plane ride away. We visit them once, maybe twice a year. That's what we can afford, money and schedule-wise. They visit us maybe 2-3 times a year, as they are retired and have the money to pay for only 2 plane tickets vs. 4, etc.

If they didn't visit us at all, we would still only be able to afford visiting 1-2 times a year; again, our travel money and our time are finite.

So if you can afford to visit "several times a year," and want to do that, that's great. But you are making a CHOICE, so don't complain about it. You could choose to not visit as often, and if they complain, you can say, "You are always welcome to visit us."

Actually, it’s more like 2-3 times a year and yes, it is a choice but not one that dh and I would prefer to make. However, even though their grandma shows very little interest in them, our kids still want to see her. Because we love our kids, we won’t deny them even though we very much limit our time with her on our visits home. And, of course we have other people to see, so it isn’t like she is the only one we travel for. But when she complains that she only sees then 2-3 times a year, she knows she has an open invitation to come here. And, yes, kids could go visit by themselves but don’t want to bc after one dinner they remember what a terrible grandma she is (the judgment, etc) that they are glad we limited the time. It’s a vicious cycle.

[Anonymous]

This has to be fake. If this is real, you are an asshole and lucky they are still welcoming you to their home b

[Anonymous]

Maybe she is pregnant.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:LOL at people recommending blackout shades to me. My whole point is she just makes flippant excuses. I put blackout shades on the last time she was visiting, as soon as she mentioned the light. That was four years ago and she still mentions it as why she doesn't want to come. It literally doesn't matter. I could build her a palace, if it wasn't in her backyard she'd never show up.

Exactly. All of my kid’s homes are different than mine. Some guest bedrooms have no curtains or just blinds that let light in, no television, and a walk to the bathroom. I have visited every one as often as I am invited. I don’t expect it to be like home, and I love staying with them and enjoying the grandkids.

OP, you need to go visit before you ruin the relationship.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:LOL at people recommending blackout shades to me. My whole point is she just makes flippant excuses. I put blackout shades on the last time she was visiting, as soon as she mentioned the light. That was four years ago and she still mentions it as why she doesn't want to come. It literally doesn't matter. I could build her a palace, if it wasn't in her backyard she'd never show up.

Exactly. All of my kid’s homes are different than mine. Some guest bedrooms have no curtains or just blinds that let light in, no television, and a walk to the bathroom. I have visited every one as often as I am invited. I don’t expect it to be like home, and I love staying with them and enjoying the grandkids.

OP, you need to go visit before you ruin the relationship.

DP here - that is very nice! My mom absolutely must have a t.v. in her room when she stays with us and she once complained about the color of the sheets.