Regret having children

[Anonymous]

In my experience . . .

1. Some people have better coping skills than others. Those with good coping skills seem to be able to weather the ups and downs of parenting better than others.

2. Some kids are easier than others, which can have an impact on whether the parent enjoys being a parent.

3. It seems like we all could do more to support parents that we think are struggling. I truly believe that it takes a village to raise a child. For example, what if each parent could have 2 hours of childcare per day so that the parent can exercise and have a little bit of time to himself/herself. I greatly wish I had had that when my kids were younger, and I would be happy to provide that to the young moms in my neighborhood if they would like that.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Whatever you do, NEVER tell your kid you might not have had him/her, if you had known how difficult it is.

My mom has repeatedly told me, "I love you and your sister so much, but if I had known how emotionally draining raising children is, I don't know if I would have done it."

Mind you, my sister and I were relatively easy kids--we did well in school, neither of us has special needs of any kind, we didn't do drugs/smoke/have sex or even skip class--and we're both married to nice guys and have professional careers.

I'm sure you can imagine the number that has done to me, so please--just don't share your thoughts with your kid.

I think it’s sad that you can’t appreciate your mother’s honesty and insight. I was a surprise pregnancy for my parents and there is no way in hell they would have chosen to have me, but I know they love me. I’m not hung up about the fact that they would have made a different choice, if they’d had a choice. It’s not a reflection on me—it’s just a reflection of the fact that raising kids is damn hard and not something you should really do unless you’re well set up for it. Really, I think more people should be more honest about this. Your mother was trying to make sure your eyes were open and tell you it’s okah to choose not to go down that road.

My MIL who is an awful person and was an awful mother, gushes no end about how being a mother is the most important thing and of course it’s the best thing she’s done. She has no insight or self-awareness at all.

My mom has made it abundantly clear that "I only ever got pregnant when I wanted to." My sister and I were 100% planned.

There's a difference between saying "it's ok to not want to have kids" and to say "you and your sister were so emotionally draining that I might not have had kids if I had to do it over again." It has led to me constantly wondering what made me so emotionally draining. It has led to me constantly striving for my mother's acceptance and approval, even though I know I will never really get it.

It has been horribly painful.

Omg you are a drama queen.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Whatever you do, NEVER tell your kid you might not have had him/her, if you had known how difficult it is.

My mom has repeatedly told me, "I love you and your sister so much, but if I had known how emotionally draining raising children is, I don't know if I would have done it."

Mind you, my sister and I were relatively easy kids--we did well in school, neither of us has special needs of any kind, we didn't do drugs/smoke/have sex or even skip class--and we're both married to nice guys and have professional careers.

I'm sure you can imagine the number that has done to me, so please--just don't share your thoughts with your kid.

Don’t worry, sucky people like this parenting kids will naturally cause their kids to not to want to have kids. Or, they’re not going to be emotionally healthy enough to do so.
Small chance they might swing the other way and become super great parents to make up for their crappy childhood.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Whatever you do, NEVER tell your kid you might not have had him/her, if you had known how difficult it is.

My mom has repeatedly told me, "I love you and your sister so much, but if I had known how emotionally draining raising children is, I don't know if I would have done it."

Mind you, my sister and I were relatively easy kids--we did well in school, neither of us has special needs of any kind, we didn't do drugs/smoke/have sex or even skip class--and we're both married to nice guys and have professional careers.

I'm sure you can imagine the number that has done to me, so please--just don't share your thoughts with your kid.

I think it’s sad that you can’t appreciate your mother’s honesty and insight. I was a surprise pregnancy for my parents and there is no way in hell they would have chosen to have me, but I know they love me. I’m not hung up about the fact that they would have made a different choice, if they’d had a choice. It’s not a reflection on me—it’s just a reflection of the fact that raising kids is damn hard and not something you should really do unless you’re well set up for it. Really, I think more people should be more honest about this. Your mother was trying to make sure your eyes were open and tell you it’s okah to choose not to go down that road.

My MIL who is an awful person and was an awful mother, gushes no end about how being a mother is the most important thing and of course it’s the best thing she’s done. She has no insight or self-awareness at all.

My mom has made it abundantly clear that "I only ever got pregnant when I wanted to." My sister and I were 100% planned.

There's a difference between saying "it's ok to not want to have kids" and to say "you and your sister were so emotionally draining that I might not have had kids if I had to do it over again." It has led to me constantly wondering what made me so emotionally draining. It has led to me constantly striving for my mother's acceptance and approval, even though I know I will never really get it.

It has been horribly painful.

Omg you are a drama queen.

Yes , come on - you’re STILL being emotionally draining. Your mom gave birth to you and raised you - thank her by flying off and creating your own independent life. Back off and STOP the drama and maybe you’ll have a better relationship with Mumsie.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:In my experience . . .

1. Some people have better coping skills than others. Those with good coping skills seem to be able to weather the ups and downs of parenting better than others.

2. Some kids are easier than others, which can have an impact on whether the parent enjoys being a parent.

3. It seems like we all could do more to support parents that we think are struggling. I truly believe that it takes a village to raise a child. For example, what if each parent could have 2 hours of childcare per day so that the parent can exercise and have a little bit of time to himself/herself. I greatly wish I had had that when my kids were younger, and I would be happy to provide that to the young moms in my neighborhood if they would like that.

It doesn’t take a VILLAGE it takes a phone and $15-$20 an hour to hire a babysitter. Feel free to advertise yourself as such, yes. But what kept you from hiring a babysitter when you had kids?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

3. It seems like we all could do more to support parents that we think are struggling. I truly believe that it takes a village to raise a child. For example, what if each parent could have 2 hours of childcare per day so that the parent can exercise and have a little bit of time to himself/herself. I greatly wish I had had that when my kids were younger, and I would be happy to provide that to the young moms in my neighborhood if they would like that.

Many gyms have childcare now!!! I pay $35/mo for me and $17/mo for my child. It’s way cheaper than getting a baby sitter at $25/hr! I love it.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:It’s the purest form of love I have experienced in life, no other love even comes close.

this 1000%

[Anonymous]

I love my two kids and don't regret having them, but 85 percent of parenting I could do without.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I'm glad OP started this thread. I've got two teen DDs, and one is much more difficult than the other.

If I had only had the easy one, I would have attributed it to my parenting and would look at those parents with difficult teens as having screwed up somewhere.

But I'm the same person with the same style, and my kids are really opposite.

I do often regret the decision to have kids. No matter how much the easy one brings me joy, the ability of the non-easy one to cause me pain is so much greater.

I'm counting the years/months until I will be an empty nester. Then I'm hoping I'll be able to come back here and say, "I've changed my mind and it was all worth it!"

You’re counting the days until you can be an empty nester, but once that time gets here you’re going to freak out, just wait.
You’re used to the stimulation and crazy routine and it will be an adjustment for you. You aren’t used to being alone anymore.

[Anonymous]

Don’t regret them at all but the teenage years have been harder than I ever thought they would be.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I've got two teenage boys and I have never regretted having them. It's been a joy, a pleasure and a privilege to raise them. Dh and I have had so much fun with them and I'm sure that we will be properly doting grandparents.

I do feel sorry for the parents who do have regrets. I think that some kids are just a lot tougher to raise than others are and sometimes life circumstances can make things very stressful. I hope that things get easier for them as their kids mature.

Same.
I've met some wonderful friends through them as well (their friend's moms).

[Anonymous]

I don't regret having kids but I didn't realize how much is was a forever thing. The joys and sorrows that come with them don't dissipate with age.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:It’s the purest form of love I have experienced in life, no other love even comes close.

this 1000%

Just wait until grandkids. You haven't loved yet. It's indescribable.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I always had an aversion to kids, the thought of a mini-me physically creeped me out, so I basically had no maternal instinct. I've met quite a few women later who also admitted that they had no instinct and didn't miss having kids either. It's a dirty little secret as supposedly that's not possible.

Just out of curiosity: are all these women came from dysfunctional families? I always assume there is some childhood trauma, depressed mom or something else that contributed to suppressing an instinct. Some women end up suppressing their sexual instincts, some maternal. But from what I've seen, there is always a reason for why they doing it.

For me, yes. Depressed, anxious mom, neglect verging on emotional abuse, no relationship with extended family. I just don't see the upside of having kids - nothing about the parent-child relationship was positive in my experience.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:No regrets! I’m more proud of the wonderful young adults we’ve raised than anything else we’ve ever accomplished. They are all married and parents themselves and I really enjoy when they ask me for advice on parenting, investing etc. and OMG do I ever adore my grandchildren. For part of the year we all live less then an hour apart and it’s a perfect day for me when we are all together.

I do feel very sad for those who regret having children and I feel sorry for their children.

I'm assuming none of your had special needs. Great for you. Please allow people to express how hard it can be. You can't understand.

+1000 Completely different ball game.