Regret having children

[Anonymous]

Not for a millisecond!! I adore having kids, and I would have had more if I were younger. I'd have had four or five! I love raising them and now that they're in college, I miss them terribly. I never expected to have kids, so it was a great surprise when I got married and then DH and I decided to have a child, then another and another! Wheee! It's been a ride, and it's hard, but I'd not trade it for anything. I love my kids more than anything on the planet or in the universe.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:NP - to all of you crapping on people who are admitting regrets, I bet you never had to make a safety plan for the family and for any other siblings to ensure no physical injuries when the SN child of your house becomes violent. Probably not, right? Then you have no idea what my life is like.

I'm so sorry, PP. I have a SN kid, and it's very, very difficult. But I don't regret having my child. That was a risk I took when having a child. I knew there was a chance my child would have problems, and I'd have to deal with them. It's very, very tough. Get as much help as you can with your child, and change his or her diet!! Diet was the #1 thing that helped my child with behavior issues. Food allergies made my kid sick and cranky, so my kid would act out. Took allergic foods out of the kid's diet, and the bad behavior stopped, mostly. Kid was much more cheerful and manageable. Good luck to you, PP!

[Anonymous]

A friend's child died at age 18, from a car accident. The loss is beyond unbearable. Do you really think you regret having children, or do you just regret their bad behavior? Every child goes through bad times, some worse than others, but regret their very existence? That's a big one. My friend would give her life to have her child live the rest of his life, the pain is that unbearable.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:NP - to all of you crapping on people who are admitting regrets, I bet you never had to make a safety plan for the family and for any other siblings to ensure no physical injuries when the SN child of your house becomes violent. Probably not, right? Then you have no idea what my life is like.

I'm so sorry, PP. I have a SN kid, and it's very, very difficult. But I don't regret having my child. That was a risk I took when having a child. I knew there was a chance my child would have problems, and I'd have to deal with them. It's very, very tough. Get as much help as you can with your child, and change his or her diet!! Diet was the #1 thing that helped my child with behavior issues. Food allergies made my kid sick and cranky, so my kid would act out. Took allergic foods out of the kid's diet, and the bad behavior stopped, mostly. Kid was much more cheerful and manageable. Good luck to you, PP!

I am so sorry for the pp who needs a safety plan. We are getting there but not yet so I don’t know. I hope things get better

To the immediate pp, please stop. While I do not know what the other pps life is like, I do know how al sorts of people offer advice. Do you really think I haven’t heard it? My child is severely underweight due to a family condition and foods cannot be cut out. He has been allergy tested. There is anyways almost no evidence of any real diet behavior connections in any studies. It may have worked for you but the other pp is in a difficult place. Please realize there is a place for empathy and acceptance. You suggestions just make others feel like perhaps if they were a better parent their child would be better. It isn’t generally true, at least not from a parent line this on DCUM so clearly in a bad place. A lot of just out of our control.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:NP - to all of you crapping on people who are admitting regrets, I bet you never had to make a safety plan for the family and for any other siblings to ensure no physical injuries when the SN child of your house becomes violent. Probably not, right? Then you have no idea what my life is like.

I'm so sorry, PP. I have a SN kid, and it's very, very difficult. But I don't regret having my child. That was a risk I took when having a child. I knew there was a chance my child would have problems, and I'd have to deal with them. It's very, very tough. Get as much help as you can with your child, and change his or her diet!! Diet was the #1 thing that helped my child with behavior issues. Food allergies made my kid sick and cranky, so my kid would act out. Took allergic foods out of the kid's diet, and the bad behavior stopped, mostly. Kid was much more cheerful and manageable. Good luck to you, PP!

I am so sorry for the pp who needs a safety plan. We are getting there but not yet so I don’t know. I hope things get better

To the immediate pp, please stop. While I do not know what the other pps life is like, I do know how al sorts of people offer advice. Do you really think I haven’t heard it? My child is severely underweight due to a family condition and foods cannot be cut out. He has been allergy tested. There is anyways almost no evidence of any real diet behavior connections in any studies. It may have worked for you but the other pp is in a difficult place. Please realize there is a place for empathy and acceptance. You suggestions just make others feel like perhaps if they were a better parent their child would be better. It isn’t generally true, at least not from a parent line this on DCUM so clearly in a bad place. A lot of just out of our control.

+1000 I wish it was as simple as a diet change.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:A friend's child died at age 18, from a car accident. The loss is beyond unbearable. Do you really think you regret having children, or do you just regret their bad behavior? Every child goes through bad times, some worse than others, but regret their very existence? That's a big one. My friend would give her life to have her child live the rest of his life, the pain is that unbearable.

Does your child hurt herself every single day for 14 years with no end in sight? You have tried EVERYTHING and your family life is just survival. How would YOU cope with that? How dare you compare losing a normal child to this daily hell. Shame on you.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Whatever you do, NEVER tell your kid you might not have had him/her, if you had known how difficult it is.

My mom has repeatedly told me, "I love you and your sister so much, but if I had known how emotionally draining raising children is, I don't know if I would have done it."

Mind you, my sister and I were relatively easy kids--we did well in school, neither of us has special needs of any kind, we didn't do drugs/smoke/have sex or even skip class--and we're both married to nice guys and have professional careers.

I'm sure you can imagine the number that has done to me, so please--just don't share your thoughts with your kid.

I think it’s sad that you can’t appreciate your mother’s honesty and insight. I was a surprise pregnancy for my parents and there is no way in hell they would have chosen to have me, but I know they love me. I’m not hung up about the fact that they would have made a different choice, if they’d had a choice. It’s not a reflection on me—it’s just a reflection of the fact that raising kids is damn hard and not something you should really do unless you’re well set up for it. Really, I think more people should be more honest about this. Your mother was trying to make sure your eyes were open and tell you it’s okah to choose not to go down that road.

My MIL who is an awful person and was an awful mother, gushes no end about how being a mother is the most important thing and of course it’s the best thing she’s done. She has no insight or self-awareness at all.

My mom has made it abundantly clear that "I only ever got pregnant when I wanted to." My sister and I were 100% planned.

There's a difference between saying "it's ok to not want to have kids" and to say "you and your sister were so emotionally draining that I might not have had kids if I had to do it over again." It has led to me constantly wondering what made me so emotionally draining. It has led to me constantly striving for my mother's acceptance and approval, even though I know I will never really get it.

It has been horribly painful.

Ok I think you're being a bit dramatic here. Sounds like you ARE emotionally draining because you're so needy and sensitive.

Oh, come on! My kids are super emotionally draining, but it's not because they are needy or sensitive. It's because kids are super emotionally draining. Full stop. It hits some parents harder than others (News flash: people are different!). You realize this person just told us that what her mother told her was incredibly painful for her and you basically doubled-down on it? I hope you are kinder to yourself and to others in person, because on the internet you suck.

Um no. Reading comprehension is your friend. PP's mother was honest with her about kids being emotionally draining. You just admitted yours are too. Does that mean you don't love your kids even if at times you might wish you didn't have them at that moment? Because if so then you are just as bad as PP's mother. BUT I suspect that's not really what you meant when you said that and neither did PP's mom. However, PP is carrying on about being traumatized by this statement which is an extreme reaction to a very honest, self-aware feeling that her mother had, and apparently one that many others, such as yourself, also share.

PP is also being self-aware and honest and expressing her honest feeling about being told raising her was difficult, and you are not giving her the same level of understanding that you do her mother for expressing her feelings of trauma at being a mother. Many people share PP's feelings of trauma at being told by their parents they were not wanted, or were difficult, or that their parents would have made a different choice if they could do it over again. Yet that doesn't seem to be good enough for you to acknowledge her feelings as legitimate, even while you allow that her mother's feelings are legitimate in part because others share them.

Pot meet kettle.

PP with the mom who called me "emotionally draining" here. It isn't just that one comment.

When I was in my mid-20s, my mom told me, "You have been so difficult that I can't give you emotional support or comfort anymore." Maybe I really had been that difficult, but I'm struggling to figure out how. I did well in school, never got in trouble, graduated with honors from college, went to grad school, got a job. Heck, I went to boarding school for high school and spent summers away from home, so I didn't even live at home full-time after I was 14 years old.

I did lean on my mom for help when I was stressed about things, but I think a lot of people do that.

Now, when she comes to visit, there's always something to criticize. Our house is too cold, our pantry isn't well-organized, we don't use the right type of sponges in our sink, etc. etc. etc.

It's just never-ending.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:NP - to all of you crapping on people who are admitting regrets, I bet you never had to make a safety plan for the family and for any other siblings to ensure no physical injuries when the SN child of your house becomes violent. Probably not, right? Then you have no idea what my life is like.

I'm so sorry, PP. I have a SN kid, and it's very, very difficult. But I don't regret having my child. That was a risk I took when having a child. I knew there was a chance my child would have problems, and I'd have to deal with them. It's very, very tough. Get as much help as you can with your child, and change his or her diet!! Diet was the #1 thing that helped my child with behavior issues. Food allergies made my kid sick and cranky, so my kid would act out. Took allergic foods out of the kid's diet, and the bad behavior stopped, mostly. Kid was much more cheerful and manageable. Good luck to you, PP!

I am so sorry for the pp who needs a safety plan. We are getting there but not yet so I don’t know. I hope things get better

To the immediate pp, please stop. While I do not know what the other pps life is like, I do know how al sorts of people offer advice. Do you really think I haven’t heard it? My child is severely underweight due to a family condition and foods cannot be cut out. He has been allergy tested. There is anyways almost no evidence of any real diet behavior connections in any studies. It may have worked for you but the other pp is in a difficult place. Please realize there is a place for empathy and acceptance. You suggestions just make others feel like perhaps if they were a better parent their child would be better. It isn’t generally true, at least not from a parent line this on DCUM so clearly in a bad place. A lot of just out of our control.

+1000 I wish it was as simple as a diet change.

Same here. My child wouldn’t eat solid food until age three. I consulted professionals until it was resolved. In the meantime I got the same unsolicited advice over and over. The words “snack tray” made me want to kill people. Like, “Gee, it never occurred to me to offer my kid a mother-f*cking snack tray. Piss off!”

So glad we are way past that now.

I saw some dolt SN mom offer a link to the “Welcome To Holland” poem to Richard Engel on Twitter. I cannot believe there is any SN mom out there who doesn’t know Richard Engel, world famous journalist, has already seen that frickin’ poem. I’ve was forwarded it over and over myself.

[Anonymous]

I prefer “Holland Schmolland” myself: http://www.autism-help.org/story-holland-schmolland.htm

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I prefer “Holland Schmolland” myself: http://www.autism-help.org/story-holland-schmolland.htm

Nicely done piece. Thank you.

[Anonymous]

I love my little people, but it is hard. 42 with 2 under 2; hubs is 51. I think he struggles more than I do.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I love my little people, but it is hard. 42 with 2 under 2; hubs is 51. I think he struggles more than I do.

You have peers especially in DC who are early 40s with toddlers/infants. But even in DC, your hubs probably doesn't have peers with toddlers/infants.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:A friend's child died at age 18, from a car accident. The loss is beyond unbearable. Do you really think you regret having children, or do you just regret their bad behavior? Every child goes through bad times, some worse than others, but regret their very existence? That's a big one. My friend would give her life to have her child live the rest of his life, the pain is that unbearable.

Does your child hurt herself every single day for 14 years with no end in sight? You have tried EVERYTHING and your family life is just survival. How would YOU cope with that? How dare you compare losing a normal child to this daily hell. Shame on you.

I wasn't referring to the parent going through daily hell with an unsafe child. I was referring to the parents who appear to be whining about how hard it is to raise a preteen/teenager. It is hard to be a parent, but especially difficult to parent a SN child. I have no idea what you are going through, and you have my deepest sympathies. No one should have to go through what you are describing.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Well, I will raise my hand, and hang my head in shame.

I suspect most people here either have kids who have launched, and thus have some more distance, or, as some previous poster, have very young kids.

I have a tween and a teen, and if you had asked me even two years ago, I would have said that my kids are amazing, that I love them more than my own life, and that I couldn't imagine my life without them. The first two of those statements still hold true, but over the past year I have been longingly daydreaming about the day when they are finally out of the house.

They both have some mild special needs, and the hormones are not helping, but they are both difficult, rude, argumentative, stubborn and dare I say lazy. We have spent countless hours and $ on various therapies for both, we put every support imaginable in place to help them, we spent a lot of time exposing them to every possible beneficial EC but let them chose their own path and interests in which we have been unfailingly supportive. Yet, they barely get by academically, are selfish and inconsiderate of the effort that it takes to keep our household running and meeting their every need, and take little to no responsibility for their own failings - everything is always someone else's fault.

I am sure that we as parents are partially to blame for this, but I am not sure what else we could have done. I have read many parenting books, taken classes, I am in therapy myself for the anxiety that keeps mounting because I worry so much about my children. We support them academically, help with homework, remind about projects, instrument practice, take them to playdates, drive them to and from their chosen sports, make sure they have enough downtime, spend enough time outdoors, provide healthy meals, travel to both fun and educational places, and yet, none of it seems to make any difference.

I fervently hope that this is just a stage, and that my smart, funny, sunny kids will eventually return to us, but right now I am dejected and almost dreading walking through the door each afternoon, only to be faced with a new drama, or some other way that I have allegedly failed them. I am not sure how much more of this I can take. So maybe you just caught me at a bad time, but if you are asking me today whether I regret having children, the answer is "yes, absolutely".

There, flame away.

no flaming here. *mutely hands PP glass of wine*

I'm not going to flame you either. But as someone who has raised a difficult kid (he's 21 now, and has turned out well!), I will tell you some things that helped me.

First, if you are feeling so dejected and unhappy (and who could blame you?), you need to ask yourself if you are doing too much for your kids. If you found a bit more balance, you'd feel better and they might actually do/be better. You need to ask yourself if they really need to do x activity that requires a boatload of work on your part. If they really need you to drive them to x or can they figure out a way to get there themselves. If they can do their own laundry, make their own lunches, get dinner for the family, spend Saturday morning vacuuming and tidying up, and if you need to go back to those old "when/then" statements you make with little kids. ("WHEN you vacuum the living room THEN I will drive you to practice. You have 10 minutes, better get moving or you will be late.") If there are privileges they are enjoying that need to be curtailed if they can't do the bare minimum of school work.

Also, consider the best parenting advice ever, given by the people who offer the local PEP parenting classes: Quick Taking It Personally (QTIP). The less personally you take their bad behavior/attitude, the better their behavior/attitude will be. Seriously. QTIP QTIP QTIP!!

Along these lines, IME, you can't argue tweens/teens into being grateful or appreciating the things you do for them. You can't argue them into *feeling* responsibility for the things that they've done. You can insist on certain behavior, but you can't insist on feelings. I found a fair bit of success with my very difficult tween/teen when I set standards for what was acceptable behavior and stopped trying to get him to feel bad for how he had behaved or for hurting someone's feelings or whatever. So, e.g., saying "I'm not going to talk to you when you use that tone of voice. Let me know when you're ready to discuss this" and walking away, rather than getting into a lecture/argument about how his tone was hurtful or how he should be treating me better because I am his mother and do so much for him, etc. Don't listen to arguments about how it's someone else's fault that x happened, but also don't insist that they voice responsibility or apologize. Instead, for internal family matters cut off the excuses and skip the required apology phase and move on to the solutions to/consequences for the problem: "It don't want to hear about whose fault it is. I need you to (specific instruction for dealing with problem) now." (Of course, for problems outside of the family, apologizing/expressing regret may really be a necessary part of the solution/consequence.)

I hope this doesn't come across as lecturing or insensitive. I really do understand how you are feeling and sympathize so much. I hope this stage passes quickly for your family. (PS., it IS a stage. Eventually, they move out!)

New to the thread - this is really great advice and perspective.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I’m a really good mother and I have never loved anyone as much as I love my son. But I regret having him nearly every day. His dad is a very different person than I believed before we were married; he did a great job of concealing his true self. And since Trump has become President, he has felt much more empowered to be the sexist, racist POs I never knew he was. I feel like a fool. I am a fool. And at this point, not only am I not in a healthy marriage, I frankly wouldn’t even be Facebook friends with my husband if we didn’t share a child. I feel utterly trapped. On top of all that, my DH has substance abuse and anger issues, and he is vindictive when he thinks someone is imhis enemy, which divorce would immediately do. No matter what path I choose, I have created a child into a very, very unhappy situation.-!: he is going to suffer from it. Worst case scaneio, he may turn out like his dad. Best case, he will see two parents in a terrible relationship or terrible divorce, but he will come through it with empathy and kindness and sensitivity. But I am so, so sorry to have created a person with such a father and such an unhappy marriage.

This resonates. A lot.

I do not in any regret my two, but over the years I have come to regret bringing them into *this* particular family setting, although we're working on it. And I'm sure the question of why I had a second one will be asked - things had not changed at that point.

I don't regret them though.