Regret having children

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Whatever you do, NEVER tell your kid you might not have had him/her, if you had known how difficult it is.

My mom has repeatedly told me, "I love you and your sister so much, but if I had known how emotionally draining raising children is, I don't know if I would have done it."

Mind you, my sister and I were relatively easy kids--we did well in school, neither of us has special needs of any kind, we didn't do drugs/smoke/have sex or even skip class--and we're both married to nice guys and have professional careers.

I'm sure you can imagine the number that has done to me, so please--just don't share your thoughts with your kid.

I think it’s sad that you can’t appreciate your mother’s honesty and insight. I was a surprise pregnancy for my parents and there is no way in hell they would have chosen to have me, but I know they love me. I’m not hung up about the fact that they would have made a different choice, if they’d had a choice. It’s not a reflection on me—it’s just a reflection of the fact that raising kids is damn hard and not something you should really do unless you’re well set up for it. Really, I think more people should be more honest about this. Your mother was trying to make sure your eyes were open and tell you it’s okah to choose not to go down that road.

My MIL who is an awful person and was an awful mother, gushes no end about how being a mother is the most important thing and of course it’s the best thing she’s done. She has no insight or self-awareness at all.

My mom has made it abundantly clear that "I only ever got pregnant when I wanted to." My sister and I were 100% planned.

There's a difference between saying "it's ok to not want to have kids" and to say "you and your sister were so emotionally draining that I might not have had kids if I had to do it over again." It has led to me constantly wondering what made me so emotionally draining. It has led to me constantly striving for my mother's acceptance and approval, even though I know I will never really get it.

It has been horribly painful.

Ok I think you're being a bit dramatic here. Sounds like you ARE emotionally draining because you're so needy and sensitive.

Oh, come on! My kids are super emotionally draining, but it's not because they are needy or sensitive. It's because kids are super emotionally draining. Full stop. It hits some parents harder than others (News flash: people are different!). You realize this person just told us that what her mother told her was incredibly painful for her and you basically doubled-down on it? I hope you are kinder to yourself and to others in person, because on the internet you suck.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Whatever you do, NEVER tell your kid you might not have had him/her, if you had known how difficult it is.

My mom has repeatedly told me, "I love you and your sister so much, but if I had known how emotionally draining raising children is, I don't know if I would have done it."

Mind you, my sister and I were relatively easy kids--we did well in school, neither of us has special needs of any kind, we didn't do drugs/smoke/have sex or even skip class--and we're both married to nice guys and have professional careers.

I'm sure you can imagine the number that has done to me, so please--just don't share your thoughts with your kid.

I think it’s sad that you can’t appreciate your mother’s honesty and insight. I was a surprise pregnancy for my parents and there is no way in hell they would have chosen to have me, but I know they love me. I’m not hung up about the fact that they would have made a different choice, if they’d had a choice. It’s not a reflection on me—it’s just a reflection of the fact that raising kids is damn hard and not something you should really do unless you’re well set up for it. Really, I think more people should be more honest about this. Your mother was trying to make sure your eyes were open and tell you it’s okah to choose not to go down that road.

My MIL who is an awful person and was an awful mother, gushes no end about how being a mother is the most important thing and of course it’s the best thing she’s done. She has no insight or self-awareness at all.

My mom has made it abundantly clear that "I only ever got pregnant when I wanted to." My sister and I were 100% planned.

There's a difference between saying "it's ok to not want to have kids" and to say "you and your sister were so emotionally draining that I might not have had kids if I had to do it over again." It has led to me constantly wondering what made me so emotionally draining. It has led to me constantly striving for my mother's acceptance and approval, even though I know I will never really get it.

It has been horribly painful.

Ok I think you're being a bit dramatic here. Sounds like you ARE emotionally draining because you're so needy and sensitive.

I'm just being honest. It's a pretty dramatic situation.

NP here. I bet in the recesses of my mother's heart, she once felt the same way as OP's mother. She didn't have to tell us, we just kind of always knew. Still, once my father died, and she was able to look around and see my sister and I there and available to help her, she changed. She was suddenly very grateful for us and happy with us. It was odd, but well-received by the two of us. I think some people just take their kid for granted and always feel like the grass would've been greener without them. It doesn't mean she doesn't love you. It just means she's self-centered.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Whatever you do, NEVER tell your kid you might not have had him/her, if you had known how difficult it is.

My mom has repeatedly told me, "I love you and your sister so much, but if I had known how emotionally draining raising children is, I don't know if I would have done it."

Mind you, my sister and I were relatively easy kids--we did well in school, neither of us has special needs of any kind, we didn't do drugs/smoke/have sex or even skip class--and we're both married to nice guys and have professional careers.

I'm sure you can imagine the number that has done to me, so please--just don't share your thoughts with your kid.

I think it’s sad that you can’t appreciate your mother’s honesty and insight. I was a surprise pregnancy for my parents and there is no way in hell they would have chosen to have me, but I know they love me. I’m not hung up about the fact that they would have made a different choice, if they’d had a choice. It’s not a reflection on me—it’s just a reflection of the fact that raising kids is damn hard and not something you should really do unless you’re well set up for it. Really, I think more people should be more honest about this. Your mother was trying to make sure your eyes were open and tell you it’s okah to choose not to go down that road.

My MIL who is an awful person and was an awful mother, gushes no end about how being a mother is the most important thing and of course it’s the best thing she’s done. She has no insight or self-awareness at all.

My mom has made it abundantly clear that "I only ever got pregnant when I wanted to." My sister and I were 100% planned.

There's a difference between saying "it's ok to not want to have kids" and to say "you and your sister were so emotionally draining that I might not have had kids if I had to do it over again." It has led to me constantly wondering what made me so emotionally draining. It has led to me constantly striving for my mother's acceptance and approval, even though I know I will never really get it.

It has been horribly painful.

Ok I think you're being a bit dramatic here. Sounds like you ARE emotionally draining because you're so needy and sensitive.

I'm just being honest. It's a pretty dramatic situation.

So opt out, PP. You're choosing to do this dance with her.

Dance? What dance?

She baits you and you respond by "constantly striving" for her acceptance and approval though you know you'll never get it. Unless you enjoy the drama of this dramatic situation, why do you put up with it?

I don't know. My daughter loves her, so I don't want to cut her out of my life. I tried severely limiting contact right after she berated my then-fiancé (now husband) for 2 hours the first time she met him, but that led to her calling me constantly to tell me how awful I was being. She finally came down to DC and basically forced me to meet with her.

Personally, I would screen my calls. As for the visit, nope. She can sit in the train station all day; you do not have to put up with someone who calls you specifically to tell you you're awful.

Tough call about your daughter. I guess I would keep the visits extremely brief. I'm in a similar situation myself, but it's with my MIL and I just let him take the kids to see her.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:No regrets! I’m more proud of the wonderful young adults we’ve raised than anything else we’ve ever accomplished. They are all married and parents themselves and I really enjoy when they ask me for advice on parenting, investing etc. and OMG do I ever adore my grandchildren. For part of the year we all live less then an hour apart and it’s a perfect day for me when we are all together.

I do feel very sad for those who regret having children and I feel sorry for their children.

I'm assuming none of your had special needs. Great for you. Please allow people to express how hard it can be. You can't understand.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:
Never. They are my joy in life.

+100

[Anonymous]

Well, I will raise my hand, and hang my head in shame.

I suspect most people here either have kids who have launched, and thus have some more distance, or, as some previous poster, have very young kids.

I have a tween and a teen, and if you had asked me even two years ago, I would have said that my kids are amazing, that I love them more than my own life, and that I couldn't imagine my life without them. The first two of those statements still hold true, but over the past year I have been longingly daydreaming about the day when they are finally out of the house.

They both have some mild special needs, and the hormones are not helping, but they are both difficult, rude, argumentative, stubborn and dare I say lazy. We have spent countless hours and $ on various therapies for both, we put every support imaginable in place to help them, we spent a lot of time exposing them to every possible beneficial EC but let them chose their own path and interests in which we have been unfailingly supportive. Yet, they barely get by academically, are selfish and inconsiderate of the effort that it takes to keep our household running and meeting their every need, and take little to no responsibility for their own failings - everything is always someone else's fault.

I am sure that we as parents are partially to blame for this, but I am not sure what else we could have done. I have read many parenting books, taken classes, I am in therapy myself for the anxiety that keeps mounting because I worry so much about my children. We support them academically, help with homework, remind about projects, instrument practice, take them to playdates, drive them to and from their chosen sports, make sure they have enough downtime, spend enough time outdoors, provide healthy meals, travel to both fun and educational places, and yet, none of it seems to make any difference.

I fervently hope that this is just a stage, and that my smart, funny, sunny kids will eventually return to us, but right now I am dejected and almost dreading walking through the door each afternoon, only to be faced with a new drama, or some other way that I have allegedly failed them. I am not sure how much more of this I can take. So maybe you just caught me at a bad time, but if you are asking me today whether I regret having children, the answer is "yes, absolutely".

There, flame away.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Whatever you do, NEVER tell your kid you might not have had him/her, if you had known how difficult it is.

My mom has repeatedly told me, "I love you and your sister so much, but if I had known how emotionally draining raising children is, I don't know if I would have done it."

Mind you, my sister and I were relatively easy kids--we did well in school, neither of us has special needs of any kind, we didn't do drugs/smoke/have sex or even skip class--and we're both married to nice guys and have professional careers.

I'm sure you can imagine the number that has done to me, so please--just don't share your thoughts with your kid.

I think it’s sad that you can’t appreciate your mother’s honesty and insight. I was a surprise pregnancy for my parents and there is no way in hell they would have chosen to have me, but I know they love me. I’m not hung up about the fact that they would have made a different choice, if they’d had a choice. It’s not a reflection on me—it’s just a reflection of the fact that raising kids is damn hard and not something you should really do unless you’re well set up for it. Really, I think more people should be more honest about this. Your mother was trying to make sure your eyes were open and tell you it’s okah to choose not to go down that road.

My MIL who is an awful person and was an awful mother, gushes no end about how being a mother is the most important thing and of course it’s the best thing she’s done. She has no insight or self-awareness at all.

My mom has made it abundantly clear that "I only ever got pregnant when I wanted to." My sister and I were 100% planned.

There's a difference between saying "it's ok to not want to have kids" and to say "you and your sister were so emotionally draining that I might not have had kids if I had to do it over again." It has led to me constantly wondering what made me so emotionally draining. It has led to me constantly striving for my mother's acceptance and approval, even though I know I will never really get it.

It has been horribly painful.

Ok I think you're being a bit dramatic here. Sounds like you ARE emotionally draining because you're so needy and sensitive.

I'm just being honest. It's a pretty dramatic situation.

So opt out, PP. You're choosing to do this dance with her.

Dance? What dance?

She baits you and you respond by "constantly striving" for her acceptance and approval though you know you'll never get it. Unless you enjoy the drama of this dramatic situation, why do you put up with it?

I don't know. My daughter loves her, so I don't want to cut her out of my life. I tried severely limiting contact right after she berated my then-fiancé (now husband) for 2 hours the first time she met him, but that led to her calling me constantly to tell me how awful I was being. She finally came down to DC and basically forced me to meet with her.

Personally, I would screen my calls. As for the visit, nope. She can sit in the train station all day; you do not have to put up with someone who calls you specifically to tell you you're awful.

Tough call about your daughter. I guess I would keep the visits extremely brief. I'm in a similar situation myself, but it's with my MIL and I just let him take the kids to see her.

PP here. Yeah, my daughter really adores her and she's wonderful with her, so I really don't want to prevent them from seeing each other. The visits are brief--a weekend every 3-4 weeks.

If I don't call her (and she never calls me) about twice a week, she starts to guilt me. I try to contain them to my 45-min commute. I know I need to work on not letting her manipulations of me impact me so much. I probably need to go back to therapy.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Well, I will raise my hand, and hang my head in shame.

I suspect most people here either have kids who have launched, and thus have some more distance, or, as some previous poster, have very young kids.

I have a tween and a teen, and if you had asked me even two years ago, I would have said that my kids are amazing, that I love them more than my own life, and that I couldn't imagine my life without them. The first two of those statements still hold true, but over the past year I have been longingly daydreaming about the day when they are finally out of the house.

They both have some mild special needs, and the hormones are not helping, but they are both difficult, rude, argumentative, stubborn and dare I say lazy. We have spent countless hours and $ on various therapies for both, we put every support imaginable in place to help them, we spent a lot of time exposing them to every possible beneficial EC but let them chose their own path and interests in which we have been unfailingly supportive. Yet, they barely get by academically, are selfish and inconsiderate of the effort that it takes to keep our household running and meeting their every need, and take little to no responsibility for their own failings - everything is always someone else's fault.

I am sure that we as parents are partially to blame for this, but I am not sure what else we could have done. I have read many parenting books, taken classes, I am in therapy myself for the anxiety that keeps mounting because I worry so much about my children. We support them academically, help with homework, remind about projects, instrument practice, take them to playdates, drive them to and from their chosen sports, make sure they have enough downtime, spend enough time outdoors, provide healthy meals, travel to both fun and educational places, and yet, none of it seems to make any difference.

I fervently hope that this is just a stage, and that my smart, funny, sunny kids will eventually return to us, but right now I am dejected and almost dreading walking through the door each afternoon, only to be faced with a new drama, or some other way that I have allegedly failed them. I am not sure how much more of this I can take. So maybe you just caught me at a bad time, but if you are asking me today whether I regret having children, the answer is "yes, absolutely".

There, flame away.

You are an amazing mom. Seriously. You are trying SO hard.

Even if your kids never appreciate it, please keep telling yourself, "I am a great mom. I am a great mom." Because you are.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Whatever you do, NEVER tell your kid you might not have had him/her, if you had known how difficult it is.

My mom has repeatedly told me, "I love you and your sister so much, but if I had known how emotionally draining raising children is, I don't know if I would have done it."

Mind you, my sister and I were relatively easy kids--we did well in school, neither of us has special needs of any kind, we didn't do drugs/smoke/have sex or even skip class--and we're both married to nice guys and have professional careers.

I'm sure you can imagine the number that has done to me, so please--just don't share your thoughts with your kid.

I think it’s sad that you can’t appreciate your mother’s honesty and insight. I was a surprise pregnancy for my parents and there is no way in hell they would have chosen to have me, but I know they love me. I’m not hung up about the fact that they would have made a different choice, if they’d had a choice. It’s not a reflection on me—it’s just a reflection of the fact that raising kids is damn hard and not something you should really do unless you’re well set up for it. Really, I think more people should be more honest about this. Your mother was trying to make sure your eyes were open and tell you it’s okah to choose not to go down that road.

My MIL who is an awful person and was an awful mother, gushes no end about how being a mother is the most important thing and of course it’s the best thing she’s done. She has no insight or self-awareness at all.

My mom has made it abundantly clear that "I only ever got pregnant when I wanted to." My sister and I were 100% planned.

There's a difference between saying "it's ok to not want to have kids" and to say "you and your sister were so emotionally draining that I might not have had kids if I had to do it over again." It has led to me constantly wondering what made me so emotionally draining. It has led to me constantly striving for my mother's acceptance and approval, even though I know I will never really get it.

It has been horribly painful.

Ok I think you're being a bit dramatic here. Sounds like you ARE emotionally draining because you're so needy and sensitive.

Oh, come on! My kids are super emotionally draining, but it's not because they are needy or sensitive. It's because kids are super emotionally draining. Full stop. It hits some parents harder than others (News flash: people are different!). You realize this person just told us that what her mother told her was incredibly painful for her and you basically doubled-down on it? I hope you are kinder to yourself and to others in person, because on the internet you suck.

Um no. Reading comprehension is your friend. PP's mother was honest with her about kids being emotionally draining. You just admitted yours are too. Does that mean you don't love your kids even if at times you might wish you didn't have them at that moment? Because if so then you are just as bad as PP's mother. BUT I suspect that's not really what you meant when you said that and neither did PP's mom. However, PP is carrying on about being traumatized by this statement which is an extreme reaction to a very honest, self-aware feeling that her mother had, and apparently one that many others, such as yourself, also share.

[Anonymous]

I think it’s hard to know yourself sometimes. That FB page is eye opening. My children are relatively easy ones and fairly independent (older). But I seriously misjudged how they take over your life / thoughts / worries etc and how extremely expensive they are. Would I do it again. No.

[Anonymous]

... that FB page. .... I have 4 children age 12,9, 6, and 18 months and I regret this ... really? Maybe you could have stopped after one? Just sayin

[Anonymous]

The weird thing for me is a love my children with an all-consuming intensity which is in itself exhausting. The love is what wears me out. If I wasn't so emotionally invested in them I think it might be easier. I just worry about the all the time. Not safety per se (although there's that too) but all around, their emotional, psychological, biological well-being. And the constant juggling of two kids, doctors, dentists, orthodontists, extrracurriculars, and on and on... oh and making sure I don't lose a job that I'm not crazy about so I can continue to support us all. Single mother not by choice so, there's that....

I have told my daughters that the love you get from being a mother is the best love in the world, and I am so lucky and glad I got it. AND that if they think they want to d be free to do whatever they want, travel the world, and keep all their money for themselves, etc. etc. that's an option they should think about too. Not enough people tell girls IMHO that their dreams can include NOT being a mother if they want.

[Anonymous]

I am on the other side of this, kind of. My parents were the 'all about appearances" but very dysfunctional type. They'd tell you they never regretted having us kids, but they shouldn't have had kids. They were and are terrible parents. Not their fault entirely - years of intergenerational damage and trauma went into making them the way they were.

I have a kid now, and I don't have regrets per se - but I'm very aware of my limitations as a parent. THe problem is, people lacking insight. How many parents who think they were fab were actually shit at the job of parenting? And how many people who don't have kids because they don't have the desire/know they have issues would actually be ok parents?

I'm a supporter of opening up this discussion. Lots of people shouldn't have kids. Lots of people should have kids. Not everyone has the skills or the money etc, but for those that do, yay. It's totally OK to regret having children imo - it shows insight and self awareness, rather than denial. Not that I'm saying all the people who don't have regrets are in denial - but I'm suspicious that at least some of them are talking out their A$$ and overcompensating.

[Anonymous]

I love my child more than life, but if I could go back in time and make a different choice I probably would. I am so physically/emotionally/mentally drained as a mother, and I don't enjoy most days. It's wild that you can love someone so much without enjoying them, but I relish my moments of alone time so much.

DC is only 5, and we're for sure stopping at one because I am falling apart already with this workload.

[Anonymous]

I regret not having more (because of infertility issues). I regret not getting to experience having a daughter.