How to limit the number of days in-laws visit

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Go away with the kids on the second 1/2 of their trip, letting DH know it is a practice separation. Or just go away yourself, saying you need some time to process his decision.

Do not leave the kids there!

The ILs will be thrilled to have one on one time with the grandchildren and DH. They will for sure pull this crap next year if they learn that it’s so easy to drive you out of your house.

Take the kids and go. This is worth using up vacation days. Start planning now!

[Anonymous]

I would put my foot down. Book flights to visit your parents for those extra 5 days.

You can use their lame excuse: “You guys took so long to make plans that we found a GREAT deal on flights to see my parents! We leave after the 5 days we saved for you!”

I don’t care how much those tickets cost. Your DH has to see you’re serious or he will never stand up for you. He also needs to feel the financial pinch of getting everyone out because his parents overstayed.

You can take drastic actions ONCE or you can deal with different variations of this crap for eternity.

The ILs called your bluff. Your move, OP!

[Anonymous]

It is worth making a big deal about this. I didn't understand it at the time, but I'm convinced now that my parents' marriage has always been more contentious than it would be had my grandmother (my dad's mom) not stayed with us for 1 month+ every time she visited.

After a particularly difficult visit from ILs when I was in my third trimester with DS and DD was 2 y.o., I informed DH that he would be taking a few days anytime they visited. Weirdly, they have visited less frequently since then >

I don't know what to do about this particular visit, but I think your leaving the house is better than kicking them to an AirBnB. And DH should definitely take time off to act as buffer if he wouldn't already be around.

[Anonymous]

Did OP ever respond?

[Anonymous]

If you leave by yourself then they will think they did DH a favor by staying to watch the kids. They will tell everyone. They will suggest that you go away again next year while they help.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:If you leave by yourself then they will think they did DH a favor by staying to watch the kids. They will tell everyone. They will suggest that you go away again next year while they help.

If she leaves by herself, she MUST make sure that DH takes all of those days off.

As another PP said, the DH needs to feel the impact of this visit hard, in every way. If he doesn't, he'll think he can continue to walk all over OP.

[Anonymous]

Yep! OPs DH needs to feel it and feel it bad. Op should be very sweet and host the first 5 days. After that tell inlaws to ask DH about everything. Say you handled the first 5 and since he okayed the next 5 he is their contact. I would limit their time with the kids and have a ton of play dates or things to do out of the house. Hell, even take the kids out to dinner with a friend. Invite friends over for pizza and a movie. Anything to avoid rewarding the inlaws and DH for this.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Yep! OPs DH needs to feel it and feel it bad. Op should be very sweet and host the first 5 days. After that tell inlaws to ask DH about everything. Say you handled the first 5 and since he okayed the next 5 he is their contact. I would limit their time with the kids and have a ton of play dates or things to do out of the house. Hell, even take the kids out to dinner with a friend. Invite friends over for pizza and a movie. Anything to avoid rewarding the inlaws and DH for this.

Yup, get on the stick now to line up these invitations.

Day 6--Take DD and her best friend out to a movie.

Day 7--Take DD and another friend/parent and arrange to meet at a play place or a museum or some such.

Day 8--Spa day for you! Grandparents can watch your kid while you get mani/pedi, hair cut, whatever you need.

Day 9--You're taking your daughter shopping to take advantage of post-holiday sales.

Day 10--BYE!

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Yep! OPs DH needs to feel it and feel it bad. Op should be very sweet and host the first 5 days. After that tell inlaws to ask DH about everything. Say you handled the first 5 and since he okayed the next 5 he is their contact. I would limit their time with the kids and have a ton of play dates or things to do out of the house. Hell, even take the kids out to dinner with a friend. Invite friends over for pizza and a movie. Anything to avoid rewarding the inlaws and DH for this.

Yup, get on the stick now to line up these invitations.

Day 6--Take DD and her best friend out to a movie.

Day 7--Take DD and another friend/parent and arrange to meet at a play place or a museum or some such.

Day 8--Spa day for you! Grandparents can watch your kid while you get mani/pedi, hair cut, whatever you need.

Day 9--You're taking your daughter shopping to take advantage of post-holiday sales.

Day 10--BYE!

This would have backfired on me when I was in the same position. MIL would have said “see! I helped watch the kids! Wife got a break”. In my situation, the only thing that worked was making my husband take off from work. Only OP knows what’s going to get her husbands attention, though.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:You should go somewhere, OP. Go visit a friend, go for a yoga retreat, whatever floats your boat. Your husband can manage the kids and his parents. You said the timing wouldn’t work...for all they know this was why!

Exactly. Go on your retreat or do a series of sleepovers in your friends homes. If ILs protest let them know that you have a rule of not entertaining houseguests for more than 5 days, because it takes an emotional toll on you and you need time away.

[Anonymous]

OP, do you work or SAH? This doesn’t matter, your IL’s are being disrespectful and I’d be pissed at DH, I’m just curious what the days would be like

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP, do you work or SAH? This doesn’t matter, your IL’s are being disrespectful and I’d be pissed at DH, I’m just curious what the days would be like

She says she works from home.

They’re constantly interrupting her. It sounds like a nightmare.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:You should go somewhere, OP. Go visit a friend, go for a yoga retreat, whatever floats your boat. Your husband can manage the kids and his parents. You said the timing wouldn’t work...for all they know this was why!

Exactly. Go on your retreat or do a series of sleepovers in your friends homes. If ILs protest let them know that you have a rule of not entertaining houseguests for more than 5 days, because it takes an emotional toll on you and you need time away.

Ha! If OP leaves the kids with them, I guarantee they will do this again next year.

They’ll probably be bragging about how you guys really “needed” them to help. In their eyes, their actions were justified and you should be thanking them. At least that’s how they’ll frame it to DH. I bet they stay even longer next year.

[Anonymous]

Don’t leave the kids with them. As others said, they’d then consider themselves as helping out while they get to enjoy the reward of unfettered access to their son and grandkids. Frankly, my MIL’s dream is that I would disappear and she could have her son and grandson all to herself. So don’t reward that.

I would make plans out of town with the kids. And every year thereafter, make it s radiation that you lEave town from the 28th through New Years or something.

[Anonymous]

Op, while this is annoying that your inlaws did this, they did so at the permission of your DH. That is the real issue at play here. It is not you and DH vs. Inlaws, it is you vs Inlaws/DH.

I would never be overly rude to guests no matter how much i want them out of my house, BUT that does NOT mean you have to continue 'hosting' past day 5. As others have said you need to see what would make your DH stand up and take notice and be so inconvenienced that the thought of a repeat next year gives him chills.
For my husband that would be cooking/having to talk to his parents alone at night. He HATES 1:1 time with them so you can be damn sure i would be in bed snuggled with a good Halmark movie on the 6th night after the kids went to bed. I would brag up how important home cooked meals are and then ask DH in front of them what he is planning to cook. I would not buy extra food for any day past 5 and tell them to ask DH if they need more.
I woudl take the kids to a friends all day and work from Starbucks or at the library or something while the kids played. Anything to not give them access to the kids all day.

I would go about my business as if they weren't there and smile and say 'sorry i am busy but i really could only take the days off I had agreed to, now the kids and i have plans, sorry!!", "See what Larlo is doing about lunch, by!"

The kicker for DH also be having to clean up their room when they leave. He hates the though of touching sheets he parents slept on for some reason so you can be sure i would be making him clean that room when they left and not touch a thing.

Ultimately you need to see why he caved. If it is because he really didn't agree. Did he really want a 10 day visit, was it the cost. What was it and come up with a compromise that is ok should that happen again.
Either way, i would fuss if they ever tried to stay with us again because they can't be trusted. The bitter part of me woudl tell them we are visiting for 10 days the next visit to them but then leave after 2 and say, "Sorry, we got a cheaper flight" "You know how it is!"