How to limit the number of days in-laws visit

[Anonymous]

I still have PTSD from the time DH thought it was great to go to his parents for 9 days. I was so overwhelmed I cried. It was just bad.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:If it were me (because I am a bitch), if I couldn't go on vacation by myself or with the kids for 5 days, I'd Jekyll and Hyde them.

First 5 days would be hosted glory. Homemade meals, set up pot of cofee and set out breakfast the night before. New towels every other day. Invitations to local holiday fun things. Their very favorite snacks and drinks, stocked.

On the sixth morning, they would wake up to a wasteland. I would not do a THING for them the rest of the trip. I'd be up in my room or out of the house, with the kids or without, as I felt that day. I would make dinners only for myself and my kids, and would say to them, "I'm not sure what Brad had planned for dinner. He assured me he'd be taking care of your extended visit that was sprung upon me; maybe he's getting you takeout on his way home." Ice. Cold.

No. This will cause conflict in the marriage and they get the satisfaction of knowing they antagonized you.

For me, I would to make it unpleasant for them and not worth doing this again. I would do everything I could to take vacation days and go on a trip with the kids. That way they’re staying in an empty house waiting for DH to get home and unable to go anywhere.

If you leave without the kids, then you reward them with access to the kids and spending time with DH in the evening. They will do this again next year for sure!

The Jekyll/Hyde will just cause lots of fights. Regardless of how your DH feels about boundaries, nobody likes to see their spouse be rude to their parents. They win if you do this.

[Anonymous]

This is your hill to die on. Seriously. If you don’t do something drastic they will always stomp all over your boundaries.

This is worth burning vacation days to get out of the house. Be SURE that you take the kids with you. Otherwise they’re getting rewarded with grandchildren time. Try to time it so the groceries are running out when you leave and your DH is in charge of them for the whole visit.

If they stomp all over your boundaries, you can only choose how you react, so for this trip my response to everything would be:

“I don’t know what DH planned, please check with him.” Big smile. Rinse and repeat.

This would be in response to questions about dinner, towels coffee, etc. Leaving with the kids makes the imposition uncomfortable for the in-laws. The “ask DH” approach makes it uncomfortable for DH. I would write down his office number, the admin number and any other contact info you have for him. Then I would have lots of “conference calls” and just mouth can’t talk handing them the list of numbers. The moment you’re done with calls you’re running late and rush out of the house - even if you’re just killing time at Starbucks.

If the ILs want to play games, show them you can play too.

[Anonymous]

Next time have Dh book their tix.

You leave town for five days. Let him deal with them.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:
This is your hill to die on. Seriously. If you don’t do something drastic they will always stomp all over your boundaries.

This is worth burning vacation days to get out of the house. Be SURE that you take the kids with you. Otherwise they’re getting rewarded with grandchildren time. Try to time it so the groceries are running out when you leave and your DH is in charge of them for the whole visit.

If they stomp all over your boundaries, you can only choose how you react, so for this trip my response to everything would be:

“I don’t know what DH planned, please check with him.” Big smile. Rinse and repeat.

This would be in response to questions about dinner, towels coffee, etc. Leaving with the kids makes the imposition uncomfortable for the in-laws. The “ask DH” approach makes it uncomfortable for DH. I would write down his office number, the admin number and any other contact info you have for him. Then I would have lots of “conference calls” and just mouth can’t talk handing them the list of numbers. The moment you’re done with calls you’re running late and rush out of the house - even if you’re just killing time at Starbucks.

If the ILs want to play games, show them you can play too.

This is perfect. Totally chipper and utterly unflappable.

[Anonymous]

I wouldn't care if it was Aquaman coming for a visit. 10 days of non-stop catering to someone else is a bit much.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:
This is your hill to die on. Seriously. If you don’t do something drastic they will always stomp all over your boundaries.

This is worth burning vacation days to get out of the house. Be SURE that you take the kids with you. Otherwise they’re getting rewarded with grandchildren time. Try to time it so the groceries are running out when you leave and your DH is in charge of them for the whole visit.

If they stomp all over your boundaries, you can only choose how you react, so for this trip my response to everything would be:

“I don’t know what DH planned, please check with him.” Big smile. Rinse and repeat.

This would be in response to questions about dinner, towels coffee, etc. Leaving with the kids makes the imposition uncomfortable for the in-laws. The “ask DH” approach makes it uncomfortable for DH. I would write down his office number, the admin number and any other contact info you have for him. Then I would have lots of “conference calls” and just mouth can’t talk handing them the list of numbers. The moment you’re done with calls you’re running late and rush out of the house - even if you’re just killing time at Starbucks.

If the ILs want to play games, show them you can play too.

This is perfect. Totally chipper and utterly unflappable.

Yep. I agree.

[Anonymous]

OP, are they staying for the entirety of your kids’ winter vacation? If so that would really bother me, because that is special family time. And if I felt driven out of my house, I would feel cheated of that time with my kids and I would be very resentful. Next time, have your husband book their tickets. And this time, do a little research and see how much their tickets would be for the dates you suggested. How often do they come and visit? How often do you go there? It’s sad because they are acting out of desire to be with their son and his family, but it is not a good situation if it makes you frustrated and resentful of their presence.

[Anonymous]

Dh told them it wouldn't work, so I'm on team make it not work after the 5 days are up. Sign the kids up for something to do all day after that, or you and the kids decamp for someone else house. Or, if school is starting, sign yourself up for something you have to do all day. Anything so that they are sitting at your house all dayby themselves until you all come home for dinner, at the very least.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:If it were me (because I am a bitch), if I couldn't go on vacation by myself or with the kids for 5 days, I'd Jekyll and Hyde them.

First 5 days would be hosted glory. Homemade meals, set up pot of cofee and set out breakfast the night before. New towels every other day. Invitations to local holiday fun things. Their very favorite snacks and drinks, stocked.

On the sixth morning, they would wake up to a wasteland. I would not do a THING for them the rest of the trip. I'd be up in my room or out of the house, with the kids or without, as I felt that day. I would make dinners only for myself and my kids, and would say to them, "I'm not sure what Brad had planned for dinner. He assured me he'd be taking care of your extended visit that was sprung upon me; maybe he's getting you takeout on his way home." Ice. Cold.

No. This will cause conflict in the marriage and they get the satisfaction of knowing they antagonized you.

For me, I would to make it unpleasant for them and not worth doing this again. I would do everything I could to take vacation days and go on a trip with the kids. That way they’re staying in an empty house waiting for DH to get home and unable to go anywhere.

If you leave without the kids, then you reward them with access to the kids and spending time with DH in the evening. They will do this again next year for sure!

The Jekyll/Hyde will just cause lots of fights. Regardless of how your DH feels about boundaries, nobody likes to see their spouse be rude to their parents. They win if you do this.

It's not rude to not make a pot of coffee for grown-ass adults who know they've literally overstayed their welcome.

It's not rude to not make meals for grown-ass adults who know they've literally overstayed their welcome. I'm not saying don't let them have access to the kitchen/food, but you don't need to make an adult a can of soup and a grilled cheese sandwich. The kitchen is open; you're welcome to make yourself dinner.

It's not rude to not bring fresh towels to grown-ass adults who know they've literally overstayed their welcome. Again, they're free to avail themselves of the linen closet and the washing machine, but OP does not need to continue staying in Host Mode.

DH is welcome to do all these things for his horrible parents, if he wants to.

[Anonymous]

I’m curious what your DHs suggestion for dealing with this is? I mean certainly he offered to take time off work or something...

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I’m curious what your DHs suggestion for dealing with this is? I mean certainly he offered to take time off work or something...

Yeah, I’m curious too.

In my experience, usually the guy is never as involved in getting things ready as the woman so it never feels like a big deal to them. What did your DH say?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I’m curious what your DHs suggestion for dealing with this is? I mean certainly he offered to take time off work or something...

Yeah, I’m curious too.

In my experience, usually the guy is never as involved in getting things ready as the woman so it never feels like a big deal to them. What did your DH say?

And I'd make it his problem to solve. "Well we talked about how OUR MARRIAGE was at stake and that 5 nights was my limit. You've invited them for 10 nights. How are you going to solve this? I am not ok with this in any way."

Also the plane ticket excuse is bullshit.

[Anonymous]

OP, your DH, not you, speaks or writes an email stating how many days they are invited to stay.

If they choose to come to your city, they can do other things besides spend time with you at your house. If they stay in the area longer, hotel.

[Anonymous]

The plane ticket was clearly a lie. It can be more expensive to travel on particular days but making it a 10 day trip wouldn't make a $1900 difference.

For me, I would fly somewhere else with the kids. Can you go visit your parents or some friends or relatives? Let them sit at home alone.

I would also not allow them to come next year.