Irritated with my husband, but am I wrong?

[Anonymous]

You know this is how he spends his Saturdays. You are trying to change him. That is your issue, not his. If you would like to interrupt his routine, that's fine but it takes more than you deciding, unilaterally, that you would like something done at a certain time.

A better way to approach this is the following:

Larlo, do you have a minute? I'd like to discuss something with you. I know you like to run errands on Saturdays and I hate to interfere but I also know how much you love Christmas and setting up the tree. I really need the tree set up this weekend and here is why: x,y,z. So I was wondering if you could please set that up before you head out on your errands? It would mean a lot to me.

Right now, he has something he enjoys. Part of the strain is he sees you as plotting to take that away from him and sees this as a battle. If you acknowledge his normal Saturday and ask for an exception, that's less confrontational and easier for him to do what you want.

[Anonymous]

Christ woman. If you want the tree up, then YOU do it.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:You know this is how he spends his Saturdays. You are trying to change him. That is your issue, not his. If you would like to interrupt his routine, that's fine but it takes more than you deciding, unilaterally, that you would like something done at a certain time.

A better way to approach this is the following:

Larlo, do you have a minute? I'd like to discuss something with you. I know you like to run errands on Saturdays and I hate to interfere but I also know how much you love Christmas and setting up the tree. I really need the tree set up this weekend and here is why: x,y,z. So I was wondering if you could please set that up before you head out on your errands? It would mean a lot to me.

Right now, he has something he enjoys. Part of the strain is he sees you as plotting to take that away from him and sees this as a battle. If you acknowledge his normal Saturday and ask for an exception, that's less confrontational and easier for him to do what you want.

OMG if I had to baby my husband like that we'd be divorced in a hot minute. How condescending.

You sound like you're talking to a junior colleague at work.

[Anonymous]

He gets out of the house because her to-do list keeps him from being able to relax at home.

[Anonymous]

Why can’t you do the tree on Sunday?
That said, it sounds like you don’t spend much time together nor do you enjoy each other’s company? Why bother staying together?

[Anonymous]

I would be very disappointed, upset + sad if this happened to me.

I think this just sealed the deal.

Your marriage is toast.
He seems to be intentionally avoiding being around you & possibly your child.

And that never bodes well in a marriage.

[Anonymous]

What does “just relax” on Sunday mean, and why does it preclude putting up the tree? Does your family literally just lounge around the living room, Gatsby-style for an entire day once a week?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Does he smell like beer when he gets home? I would be very suspicious of this behavior. I suspect he is hanging out in a bar or with another woman or both. Does he have a favorite waitress?

This description sounds like a bad old movie

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:What does “just relax” on Sunday mean, and why does it preclude putting up the tree? Does your family literally just lounge around the living room, Gatsby-style for an entire day once a week?

Lol!

I think OP is upset because he said he’d do something and isn’t doing it. The fact that it’s the tree is not the important part of the story.

[Anonymous]

I feel like the other posters have completely missed the fact that op started her post by saying they are likely to divorce. I assume she means they were likely to divorce even before this tree business.

Assuming they were already likely to divorce, his behavior seems pretty in line with a couple that’s ready for divorce. If I were in the last stages of mutually breaking up with someone, I don’t think either person in the relationship would plan on spending their leisure time together, or doing event stuff like putting up a tree.

Point being: op is acting like her dh is the jerk for dropping the ball on this. But it sounds to me like the triggering issue is that op is expecting her almost ex to do these activities with her.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:The tree can be done tomorrow. The issue is he checks out every single Saturday. What would happen if you told him you had plans 2 saturdays from now and could get handle the kid stuff would he do it. He may feel like you have all this kid stuff to do and dont need him so started doing his own thing and now its gotten out of control.
Would u both go to counseling?

I think that is a little bit of it. Before we got married I was handing all of this on my own and he was used to having Saturdays to do what he wanted. So I just continued to do my thing on Saturdays and have been leaving Sundays for us to hang out. I don’t think he is doing this to avoid me necessarily. It’s just what he has always done. I just don’t get why asking to change his plans for one weekend is that big of a deal.

NP here. Part of the problem is that you are upset about other things in the relationship so the Christmas tree tradition has taken on epic proportions. Putting aside the real issue of your DH’s involvement or lack thereof with step child and being out of pocket all day Saturday, asking him to change his plans for the weekend is no more a big deal than you changing your plans for the weekend and being honest you seem unwilling to do that. You want to relax on Sunday and playing devil’s advocate I argue that you could have not committed to anything on Saturday if you needed that downtime or scheduled errands for Friday etc., or taken off Monday to unwind after the holiday (my DH and I have started doing that because it is so busy and exhausting during the holiday weekends). When you talk about communication issues realize that you both might see things differently and value things differently. You see your weekend sacrifices as justifying him changing his plans when you ask while he might see the weekends as business as usual - you are both doing what you did before so no sacrifice from either person - and he wants to especially relax Saturday after working on Friday.

The big underlying issue is why he isn’t more a part of your child’s life. If you have 100% custody or near to it, I don’t see how he can’t be involved in parenting your child. I will add that my step dad was very involved in all the logistics(I call him dad) and there was a source of tension that he felt my mom made all the decisions about me - what activities I was in (that he would be asked then to drop off and/or picked up), education etc. I think part of it was just her way but he fet like it was about respect and trust and not feeling like he was getting that despite contributing to my care put a strain on their marriage. If he doesn’t want to be involved at all with your child I don’t see how you can really work this out. If he does want to be more involved that s an opening part to discuss how he sees this and what are his thoughts. Maybe say that it is a learning curve for you sharing the responsibility and having partner to depend on and you haven’t always gotten this right but you want to try to do better and talk thru it etc.

[Anonymous]

Hubs is on the down low and Saturday is when he gets his groove on.

[Anonymous]

Husband needs to stop thinktof himself. Sorry OP

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP, it sounds like he feels the need for some time to himself. He uses Saturdays as his time. Everyone needs that down time. But all day every Saturday is a lot. Could you suggest that he uses Saturday to run errands and have some time to himself, but reserve Saturday afternoon/evening for date night? Then, Sunday could be your family day?

That is basically what we’ve been doing. I do all of the must-do stuff on Saturdays so that we can hang out on Sunday. I just wanted the tree done today because it’s a lot of work and I wanted to relax tomorrow.

I would pull out all the decorations and decorate the house and yard. I would set up the tree and put the lights on, but hold off on ornaments. Make some cookies, put on Christmas music, and when he gets home, everyone helps put ornaments on the tree. My husband (of 30 years) hates the hassle and the logistics of decorating. But he likes putting ornaments on the tree. It's all about compromise, OP. Most men don't care nearly as much about decorating for Christmas as women do. Not a popular statement, but it's true.

Most women don’t like or care that much about holiday decorating but they do it so the family can have some traditions.
I just hand my husband and son a bunch of lights and tell them to string them along the front fence. And they do. Easy.

[Anonymous]

I don't get it. When he said he was leaving at 11am you said "I thought we'd made plans to get the Christmas tree today? Can we do that before you run errands?" And he just says "nope gotta go" and leave for 7+ hours with no explanation for where he is going? Not normal at all.

I'd start preparing yourself to leave. I'd also recommend no more marriages. I think people get 2 shots at this to get it right. Have a long term partner, sure, but no more marriages.