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[quote=Anonymous][quote=Anonymous][quote=Anonymous]The tree can be done tomorrow. The issue is he checks out every single Saturday. What would happen if you told him you had plans 2 saturdays from now and could get handle the kid stuff would he do it. [b]He may feel like you have all this kid stuff to do and dont need him so started doing his own thing and now its gotten out of control.[/b]
Would u both go to counseling?[/quote]

I think that is a little bit of it. Before we got married I was handing all of this on my own and he was used to having Saturdays to do what he wanted. So I just continued to do my thing on Saturdays and have been leaving Sundays for us to hang out.  I don’t think he is doing this to avoid me necessarily. It’s just what he has always done.  I just don’t get why asking to change his plans for one weekend is that big of a deal.[/quote]

NP here. Part of the problem is that you are upset about other things in the relationship so the Christmas tree tradition has taken on epic proportions.  Putting aside the real issue of your DH’s involvement or lack thereof with step child and being out of pocket all day Saturday, asking him to change his plans for the weekend is no more a big deal than you changing your plans for the weekend and being honest you seem unwilling to do that.  You want to relax on Sunday and playing devil’s advocate I argue that you could have not committed to anything on Saturday if you needed that downtime or scheduled errands for Friday etc., or taken off Monday to unwind after the holiday (my DH and I have started doing that because it is so busy and exhausting during the holiday weekends).  When you talk about communication issues realize that you both might see things differently and value things differently.  You see your weekend sacrifices as justifying him changing his plans when you ask while he might see the weekends as business as usual - you are both doing what you did before so no sacrifice from either person - and he wants to especially relax Saturday after working on Friday.

The big underlying issue is why he isn’t more a part of your child’s  life.  If you have 100% custody or near to it, I don’t see how he can’t be involved in parenting your child.  I will add that my step dad was very involved in all the logistics(I call him dad) and there was a source of tension that he felt my mom made all the decisions about me - what activities I was in (that he would be asked then to drop off and/or picked up), education etc.  I think part of it was just her way but he fet like it was about respect and trust and not feeling like he was getting that despite contributing to my care put a strain on their marriage.  If he doesn’t want to be involved at all with your child I don’t see how you can really work this out.  If he does want to be more involved that s an opening part to discuss how he sees this and what are his thoughts.  Maybe say that it is a learning curve for you sharing the responsibility and having partner to depend on and you haven’t always gotten this right but you want to try to do better and talk thru it etc.

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