Irritated with my husband, but am I wrong?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP, it sounds like he feels the need for some time to himself. He uses Saturdays as his time. Everyone needs that down time. But all day every Saturday is a lot. Could you suggest that he uses Saturday to run errands and have some time to himself, but reserve Saturday afternoon/evening for date night? Then, Sunday could be your family day?

That is basically what we’ve been doing. I do all of the must-do stuff on Saturdays so that we can hang out on Sunday. I just wanted the tree done today because it’s a lot of work and I wanted to relax tomorrow.

I would pull out all the decorations and decorate the house and yard. I would set up the tree and put the lights on, but hold off on ornaments. Make some cookies, put on Christmas music, and when he gets home, everyone helps put ornaments on the tree. My husband (of 30 years) hates the hassle and the logistics of decorating. But he likes putting ornaments on the tree. It's all about compromise, OP. Most men don't care nearly as much about decorating for Christmas as women do. Not a popular statement, but it's true.

That’s exactly what I’ll do. Thank you!

[Anonymous]

How is he as a step father? I have a son from a previous marriage. His step dad attends all events, practices, etc, because it’s what he signed up for, my son enjoys him there and they bond. You all are still operating separately, which is not good. My husband will run errands but not all day. He may carve out a couple hours alone to do it which is fine by me but not all day. Huge red flag, and I don’t mean cheating

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Do you ever join him on Saturdays to see his family or friends?

I can’t join him because my child has sports and tutoring which according to my husband takes up most of the day and leaves no room for fun. I am fine with doing something together in the afternoon but he doesn’t like sitting at home. I just can’t set aside every Saturday all day to drive around.

Your new husband hates being a step-father. Get out before he discovers he hates being a father.

I'm sorry.

[Anonymous]

What kind of sicko puts up a Christmas tree 32 days before Christmas? The tree is meant to be set up a week before Christmas and stay up until late January.

[Anonymous]

OP can’t be irritated if she thinks it is ok for him to do this every other weekend. Need more communication.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:What kind of sicko puts up a Christmas tree 32 days before Christmas? The tree is meant to be set up a week before Christmas and stay up until late January.

Uh, no! You must be a divisive troll. Tree comes down by the 6th of January, which is why you must put it up by the first week in December at the latest.

[Anonymous]

Just set it up without him.

If it was really that important to him, he'd follow through. There's no issue with needing some alone time, but but honestly it sounds like this "tradition" (or the IDEA of tradition) is more important to you than him - so just set it up by yourself.

But I agree, you both are terribly mismatched.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP, it sounds like he feels the need for some time to himself. He uses Saturdays as his time. Everyone needs that down time. But all day every Saturday is a lot. Could you suggest that he uses Saturday to run errands and have some time to himself, but reserve Saturday afternoon/evening for date night? Then, Sunday could be your family day?

That is basically what we’ve been doing. I do all of the must-do stuff on Saturdays so that we can hang out on Sunday. I just wanted the tree done today because it’s a lot of work and I wanted to relax tomorrow.

I would pull out all the decorations and decorate the house and yard. I would set up the tree and put the lights on, but hold off on ornaments. Make some cookies, put on Christmas music, and when he gets home, everyone helps put ornaments on the tree. My husband (of 30 years) hates the hassle and the logistics of decorating. But he likes putting ornaments on the tree. It's all about compromise, OP. Most men don't care nearly as much about decorating for Christmas as women do. Not a popular statement, but it's true.

That’s exactly what I’ll do. Thank you!

You are very welcome. And for what it's worth, I don't think you are necessarily mismatched or doomed for divorce. Marriage isn't always easy, especially during the holidays when both parties bring their own experiences, traditions, expectations, and baggage.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:How is he as a step father? I have a son from a previous marriage. His step dad attends all events, practices, etc, because it’s what he signed up for, my son enjoys him there and they bond. You all are still operating separately, which is not good. My husband will run errands but not all day. He may carve out a couple hours alone to do it which is fine by me but not all day. Huge red flag, and I don’t mean cheating

Just because you found some schmuck to play daddy to your kid doesn't give you the right to be smug lady. On the other hand, I think if the genders were reversed in OP's situation, people would be lamenting about the neglectful stepmother but since OP's DH is a guy, he gets a free pass for "not being interested". Just because you marry a parent doesn't mean you want to parent and these boundaries should have been clearly stated a long time ago.

[Anonymous]

It's way too early to set up a Christmas tree, at least way too early to expect someone else to think it's important.

You used the Christmas tree as your example. Bad choice of an example. If your standards are so out-of-whack that you need a Christmas tree up 2 days after Thanksgiving, it's indicative that you ask too much, expect too much.

Your whole description of your martial problems are suspect.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:It's way too early to set up a Christmas tree, at least way too early to expect someone else to think it's important.

You used the Christmas tree as your example. Bad choice of an example. If your standards are so out-of-whack that you need a Christmas tree up 2 days after Thanksgiving, it's indicative that you ask too much, expect too much.

Your whole description of your martial problems are suspect.

Oh wow. Great job on missing the entire point of my question.

[Anonymous]

I’m sorry OP - I am on second marriage with kids from prior marriage - sometimes a step dad feels resentment or lack of respect for role.

I would book a sitter or have your kid do a play date and go out with him one Saturday to join him - listen and really listen not in a defensive way and hear what he has to say. Take actions to hold yourself responsible to meet his expectations, really listen and make him feel heard.

Forget about the Christmas tree with him just do it yourself ....

[Anonymous]

Does your husband finance your son's hobbies/activities/school? If so, then it is understandable that he is resentful.

[Anonymous]

Your husband just announces in the morning that he's leaving for the day to visit random people and "just drive around"... and will be back around dinner time? Ummm......

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP, it sounds like he feels the need for some time to himself. He uses Saturdays as his time. Everyone needs that down time. But all day every Saturday is a lot. Could you suggest that he uses Saturday to run errands and have some time to himself, but reserve Saturday afternoon/evening for date night? Then, Sunday could be your family day?

That is basically what we’ve been doing. I do all of the must-do stuff on Saturdays so that we can hang out on Sunday. I just wanted the tree done today because it’s a lot of work and I wanted to relax tomorrow.

Okay, so why is your opinion in this more important than his? You want to relax tomorrow; he wants to do his errands today. Why don’t you put up the other decorations today so only the tree is left. Then get the tree tomorrow and spend part of the day on the tree and the rest relaxing. God.