Divorce over lack of chores?

[Anonymous]

a list of small, concrete things he could do to show love

This is the silliest thing I've ever heard

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP: if I were your husband I'd quit my job, stay home, and vacuum and do laundry once a week. Sure beats the rat race and the commute up 95 every day.

I never understand why these posters don’t get a job as a nanny for three small children and agree to do all housekeeping, cooking, and laundry for the family. These types of positions are in very high demand and pay about $30/hr plus OT after 40 hours. Even more if you agree to be on call 24/7, extremely flexible, and available at the last minute. If you hate commuting, you could even be a live in!

It's amazing anyone goes to college if you can make $30 an hour as a housekeeper.

Years ago I quit my job and did daycare from home when our kids were small. I also did the cooking, cleaning, bills, and everything except yard, and car issues. We never had a argument about any of that. I don't understand OP at all.

[Anonymous]

OP:
Who are these men that you’re flirting with via text?
Is it all day every day? Is it PG or are they dirty/ sexts/ pics etc?
How did the flirty texting begin?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP: if I were your husband I'd quit my job, stay home, and vacuum and do laundry once a week. Sure beats the rat race and the commute up 95 every day.

I never understand why these posters don’t get a job as a nanny for three small children and agree to do all housekeeping, cooking, and laundry for the family. These types of positions are in very high demand and pay about $30/hr plus OT after 40 hours. Even more if you agree to be on call 24/7, extremely flexible, and available at the last minute. If you hate commuting, you could even be a live in!

It's amazing anyone goes to college if you can make $30 an hour as a housekeeper.

Years ago I quit my job and did daycare from home when our kids were small. I also did the cooking, cleaning, bills, and everything except yard, and car issues. We never had a argument about any of that. I don't understand OP at all.

I don’t understand you at all. I have a friend like you, and if we go to visit for dinner, she will keep the kids in the kitchen with us while we clean up. We only hear from her husband if the kids are too loud and interrupting his tv show or his shirts weren’t hung up properly. It’s her marriage, but I don’t get it. That would piss me off after about three days:

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP: if I were your husband I'd quit my job, stay home, and vacuum and do laundry once a week. Sure beats the rat race and the commute up 95 every day.

I never understand why these posters don’t get a job as a nanny for three small children and agree to do all housekeeping, cooking, and laundry for the family. These types of positions are in very high demand and pay about $30/hr plus OT after 40 hours. Even more if you agree to be on call 24/7, extremely flexible, and available at the last minute. If you hate commuting, you could even be a live in!

It's amazing anyone goes to college if you can make $30 an hour as a housekeeper.

Years ago I quit my job and did daycare from home when our kids were small. I also did the cooking, cleaning, bills, and everything except yard, and car issues. We never had a argument about any of that. I don't understand OP at all.

I don’t understand you at all. I have a friend like you, and if we go to visit for dinner, she will keep the kids in the kitchen with us while we clean up. We only hear from her husband if the kids are too loud and interrupting his tv show or his shirts weren’t hung up properly. It’s her marriage, but I don’t get it. That would piss me off after about three days:

Sorry to disappoint your distorted view based on my post. Neither one of us watch much tv and we are happily married. My husband is very social. If you choose to stay home it should fall to that spouse to do the household chores. Just common sense whether it's the man or woman. I was able to run a business, own and manage a rental home, and do all the house stuff including our tax preparation for the accountant. He did most of the kid carpooling and stuff with sports since that wasn't my thing. Marriage is about both agreeing to the division, and being fair. This worked for us both. OP sounds like she needs to organize better or is lazy.

Early on when I did work outside the home we both did closer to 50/50 household. We did a lot of crock pot meals. Friday was restaurant or take out. You should be able to compromise, but if you keep nagging him that will get old. The only other avenue is to outsource some of it, but that can get expensive.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP:
Who are these men that you’re flirting with via text?
Is it all day every day? Is it PG or are they dirty/ sexts/ pics etc?
How did the flirty texting begin?

So basically she does have ample time, LOL

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:My DH is a kind, sweet man but he does not clean up after himself or do pretty much anything around the house. I am a sahm to three young kids nd I need some help. Conversations have changed nothing. I do 95% of childcare, chores, yard, car, grocery, cooking. We outsource as much as we can afford but it’s not enough. I am so resentful about it and we fight about every other week. I don’t know what else to do and I think he’s hopeless. Can someone help me understand this? The bottom line is I feel like he doesn’t love or respect me enough to try to help although he says verbally differently.

I am finding myself attracted to other men because of this and I’m ashamed to admit that I have a couple of flirty text convos going with other men.

I wonder if my life would be better just living alone and sharing custody and dating occasionally. I feel like I have a 4th child in my DH.

He should clean up after himself. And he sure isn't a yard guy. Hire someone for that. Everything else you should be able to do. That's fair imo.

Look at divorced people you know. There's a reason most 2nd marriages fail at a greater rate. Kids going back and fourth, steps they don't want, custody and court issues, former ex wives and tons of other unpleasant stuff you can't always foresee. I think you need a serious reality check.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP: if I were your husband I'd quit my job, stay home, and vacuum and do laundry once a week. Sure beats the rat race and the commute up 95 every day.

I never understand why these posters don’t get a job as a nanny for three small children and agree to do all housekeeping, cooking, and laundry for the family. These types of positions are in very high demand and pay about $30/hr plus OT after 40 hours. Even more if you agree to be on call 24/7, extremely flexible, and available at the last minute. If you hate commuting, you could even be a live in!

It's amazing anyone goes to college if you can make $30 an hour as a housekeeper.

Years ago I quit my job and did daycare from home when our kids were small. I also did the cooking, cleaning, bills, and everything except yard, and car issues. We never had a argument about any of that. I don't understand OP at all.

I don’t understand you at all. I have a friend like you, and if we go to visit for dinner, she will keep the kids in the kitchen with us while we clean up. We only hear from her husband if the kids are too loud and interrupting his tv show or his shirts weren’t hung up properly. It’s her marriage, but I don’t get it. That would piss me off after about three days:

Sorry to disappoint your distorted view based on my post. Neither one of us watch much tv and we are happily married. My husband is very social. If you choose to stay home it should fall to that spouse to do the household chores. Just common sense whether it's the man or woman. I was able to run a business, own and manage a rental home, and do all the house stuff including our tax preparation for the accountant. He did most of the kid carpooling and stuff with sports since that wasn't my thing. Marriage is about both agreeing to the division, and being fair. This worked for us both. OP sounds like she needs to organize better or is lazy.

Early on when I did work outside the home we both did closer to 50/50 household. We did a lot of crock pot meals. Friday was restaurant or take out. You should be able to compromise, but if you keep nagging him that will get old. The only other avenue is to outsource some of it, but that can get expensive.

I am not the OP, and I don’t nag my husband. However, it sounds to me like you aren’t giving your husband enough credit for the contributions he made to raising your children. It is unfair to claim that you “did everything,” when you actually had a kind and supportive spouse.

[Anonymous]

Total crap that someone taking care of 3 very young kids still somehow needs to do everything around the house.

How?

It's not possible. Her job is taking care of the kids. She can cook for them and do some grocery runs. But everything else she has to do when they are sleeping and that is basically the same time her DH has to do the work. Which he should. I work PT and being home is harder getting stuff done than at work. At work, I can piss in peace. At work, I can make doctor's appointments and take care of admin stuff for our house. At home, I can't do jack until 8 at night.

OP, you need to have a come to jesus with him. Or tell him to hire you cleaners and a mother's helper. It's ridiculous. But yeah, don't divorce with young kids bc then it's way harder.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP: if I were your husband I'd quit my job, stay home, and vacuum and do laundry once a week. Sure beats the rat race and the commute up 95 every day.

I never understand why these posters don’t get a job as a nanny for three small children and agree to do all housekeeping, cooking, and laundry for the family. These types of positions are in very high demand and pay about $30/hr plus OT after 40 hours. Even more if you agree to be on call 24/7, extremely flexible, and available at the last minute. If you hate commuting, you could even be a live in!

It's amazing anyone goes to college if you can make $30 an hour as a housekeeper.

Years ago I quit my job and did daycare from home when our kids were small. I also did the cooking, cleaning, bills, and everything except yard, and car issues. We never had a argument about any of that. I don't understand OP at all.

I don’t understand you at all. I have a friend like you, and if we go to visit for dinner, she will keep the kids in the kitchen with us while we clean up. We only hear from her husband if the kids are too loud and interrupting his tv show or his shirts weren’t hung up properly. It’s her marriage, but I don’t get it. That would piss me off after about three days:

Sorry to disappoint your distorted view based on my post. Neither one of us watch much tv and we are happily married. My husband is very social. If you choose to stay home it should fall to that spouse to do the household chores. Just common sense whether it's the man or woman. I was able to run a business, own and manage a rental home, and do all the house stuff including our tax preparation for the accountant. He did most of the kid carpooling and stuff with sports since that wasn't my thing. Marriage is about both agreeing to the division, and being fair. This worked for us both. OP sounds like she needs to organize better or is lazy.

Early on when I did work outside the home we both did closer to 50/50 household. We did a lot of crock pot meals. Friday was restaurant or take out. You should be able to compromise, but if you keep nagging him that will get old. The only other avenue is to outsource some of it, but that can get expensive.

I am not the OP, and I don’t nag my husband. However, it sounds to me like you aren’t giving your husband enough credit for the contributions he made to raising your children. It is unfair to claim that you “did everything,” when you actually had a kind and supportive spouse.

I give my spouse tons of credit. Yes kind and supportive if I wanted to be a SAHM or work outside or both. fyi "house stuff" is what I wrote.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP:
Who are these men that you’re flirting with via text?
Is it all day every day? Is it PG or are they dirty/ sexts/ pics etc?
How did the flirty texting begin?

So basically she does have ample time, LOL

Eeeexxxxxxaaaccctttttllyyyyyy

—NP

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Total crap that someone taking care of 3 very young kids still somehow needs to do everything around the house.

How?

It's not possible. Her job is taking care of the kids. She can cook for them and do some grocery runs. But everything else she has to do when they are sleeping and that is basically the same time her DH has to do the work. Which he should. I work PT and being home is harder getting stuff done than at work. At work, I can piss in peace. At work, I can make doctor's appointments and take care of admin stuff for our house. At home, I can't do jack until 8 at night.

OP, you need to have a come to jesus with him. Or tell him to hire you cleaners and a mother's helper. It's ridiculous. But yeah, don't divorce with young kids bc then it's way harder.

Oh, enough already. She doesn’t need to spend EVERY WAKING MOMENT entertaining the kids. FFS. They need to learn how to entertain themselves!! Yes, she can fold laundry or wipe down a counter while they play with a toy. It’s people like you who totally undermine any credibility of “omg so overworked” SAHMs.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP: if I were your husband I'd quit my job, stay home, and vacuum and do laundry once a week. Sure beats the rat race and the commute up 95 every day.

I never understand why these posters don’t get a job as a nanny for three small children and agree to do all housekeeping, cooking, and laundry for the family. These types of positions are in very high demand and pay about $30/hr plus OT after 40 hours. Even more if you agree to be on call 24/7, extremely flexible, and available at the last minute. If you hate commuting, you could even be a live in!

It's amazing anyone goes to college if you can make $30 an hour as a housekeeper.

Years ago I quit my job and did daycare from home when our kids were small. I also did the cooking, cleaning, bills, and everything except yard, and car issues. We never had a argument about any of that. I don't understand OP at all.

I don’t understand you at all. I have a friend like you, and if we go to visit for dinner, she will keep the kids in the kitchen with us while we clean up. We only hear from her husband if the kids are too loud and interrupting his tv show or his shirts weren’t hung up properly. It’s her marriage, but I don’t get it. That would piss me off after about three days:

Sorry to disappoint your distorted view based on my post. Neither one of us watch much tv and we are happily married. My husband is very social. If you choose to stay home it should fall to that spouse to do the household chores. Just common sense whether it's the man or woman. I was able to run a business, own and manage a rental home, and do all the house stuff including our tax preparation for the accountant. He did most of the kid carpooling and stuff with sports since that wasn't my thing. Marriage is about both agreeing to the division, and being fair. This worked for us both. OP sounds like she needs to organize better or is lazy.

Early on when I did work outside the home we both did closer to 50/50 household. We did a lot of crock pot meals. Friday was restaurant or take out. You should be able to compromise, but if you keep nagging him that will get old. The only other avenue is to outsource some of it, but that can get expensive.

I am not the OP, and I don’t nag my husband. However, it sounds to me like you aren’t giving your husband enough credit for the contributions he made to raising your children. It is unfair to claim that you “did everything,” when you actually had a kind and supportive spouse.

I give my spouse tons of credit. Yes kind and supportive if I wanted to be a SAHM or work outside or both. fyi "house stuff" is what I wrote.

I don’t understand why you don’t get what the OP is complaining about, then. Don’t you realize how much more difficult all of that would have been if your husband wasn’t supportive and helpful?
I am married to a wonderful man in a pretty traditional marriage. But I would never write what the OP did. I do most of the chores and childcare, but if I am ever overwhelmed, he is right there to help out. He doesn’t just watch me struggle. That has to be so hard.

[Anonymous]

Go back to work, and outsource more chores.
This will help balance the power differential.

Either you commit to being a SAHM and all the crap work that goes with it. Or you work.
Even better if you find a night or weekend job. That will force DH to step up and feed/bathe the kids, take them to activites, etc.

Unfortunately, I've seen too many couples divorce, messy and costly, and the mom goes back to work, and the dad eventually starts stepping up. and it takes years to get functioning normally and they are both much poorer.
If you go back to work, you can avoid all this.

Divorce is the single worst financial decision you can ever make.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Total crap that someone taking care of 3 very young kids still somehow needs to do everything around the house.

How?

It's not possible. Her job is taking care of the kids. She can cook for them and do some grocery runs. But everything else she has to do when they are sleeping and that is basically the same time her DH has to do the work. Which he should. I work PT and being home is harder getting stuff done than at work. At work, I can piss in peace. At work, I can make doctor's appointments and take care of admin stuff for our house. At home, I can't do jack until 8 at night.

OP, you need to have a come to jesus with him. Or tell him to hire you cleaners and a mother's helper. It's ridiculous. But yeah, don't divorce with young kids bc then it's way harder.

I only have two kids, but I haven't had 3 minutes alone in the bathroom in 3 years. It's not that I can' do some laundry folding (though between our morning outing, cooking lunch, putting youngest down for nap, etc.) I don't have time to drag the kids to the basement for laundry. Then I usually get on the computer for 30 minutes to send important emails or try to make an appointment (although even my 4 year old can't seem to not interrupt me, it's really frustrating). Then it's time to do dinner prep or play with my oldest for 30 mins. Then the kids are up and it's constant help with getting a drink, using the potty, going out for toilet paper, stopping them from fighting, etc. It's not that it's constant, it's that you literally don't have 10 minutes in a row to do anything when you're taking care of young kids. Add 5 hours of interrupted sleep per night to this (for which I'm sure OP is doing all of the night care) and it's insane that her husband who probably browses memes online or goes to the gym for 45 mins can't do jack shit around the house. Nobody is making a martyr out of this woman, but her DH should be doing 25% of the housework.

Oh, enough already. She doesn’t need to spend EVERY WAKING MOMENT entertaining the kids. FFS. They need to learn how to entertain themselves!! Yes, she can fold laundry or wipe down a counter while they play with a toy. It’s people like you who totally undermine any credibility of “omg so overworked” SAHMs.