Divorce over lack of chores?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP: if I were your husband I'd quit my job, stay home, and vacuum and do laundry once a week. Sure beats the rat race and the commute up 95 every day.

I never understand why these posters don’t get a job as a nanny for three small children and agree to do all housekeeping, cooking, and laundry for the family. These types of positions are in very high demand and pay about $30/hr plus OT after 40 hours. Even more if you agree to be on call 24/7, extremely flexible, and available at the last minute. If you hate commuting, you could even be a live in!

It's amazing anyone goes to college if you can make $30 an hour as a housekeeper.

Post an ad on care.com.
If you are English speaking and a good driver willing to work 60 hours/wk with three children and do all cooking/laundry/housekeeping, you can make
$30x 40=1200 + 20 x $45= 900 = $2100/wk.

Now, here is the thing...this isn’t the same as being a SAHM. Being a SAHM is awesome because you are taking care of your own family, home, and children. But if your husband acts like you are the hired help, then you are basically an underpaid domestic employee.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP: if I were your husband I'd quit my job, stay home, and vacuum and do laundry once a week. Sure beats the rat race and the commute up 95 every day.

I never understand why these posters don’t get a job as a nanny for three small children and agree to do all housekeeping, cooking, and laundry for the family. These types of positions are in very high demand and pay about $30/hr plus OT after 40 hours. Even more if you agree to be on call 24/7, extremely flexible, and available at the last minute. If you hate commuting, you could even be a live in!

It's amazing anyone goes to college if you can make $30 an hour as a housekeeper.

Post an ad on care.com.
If you are English speaking and a good driver willing to work 60 hours/wk with three children and do all cooking/laundry/housekeeping, you can make
$30x 40=1200 + 20 x $45= 900 = $2100/wk.

Now, here is the thing...this isn’t the same as being a SAHM. Being a SAHM is awesome because you are taking care of your own family, home, and children. But if your husband acts like you are the hired help, then you are basically an underpaid domestic employee.

being a SAHM is awesome because you have 15 hour days no matter what. plus never get paid or even a Thank You.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP: if I were your husband I'd quit my job, stay home, and vacuum and do laundry once a week. Sure beats the rat race and the commute up 95 every day.

I never understand why these posters don’t get a job as a nanny for three small children and agree to do all housekeeping, cooking, and laundry for the family. These types of positions are in very high demand and pay about $30/hr plus OT after 40 hours. Even more if you agree to be on call 24/7, extremely flexible, and available at the last minute. If you hate commuting, you could even be a live in!

It's amazing anyone goes to college if you can make $30 an hour as a housekeeper.

Post an ad on care.com.
If you are English speaking and a good driver willing to work 60 hours/wk with three children and do all cooking/laundry/housekeeping, you can make
$30x 40=1200 + 20 x $45= 900 = $2100/wk.

Now, here is the thing...this isn’t the same as being a SAHM. Being a SAHM is awesome because you are taking care of your own family, home, and children. But if your husband acts like you are the hired help, then you are basically an underpaid domestic employee.

being a SAHM is awesome because you have 15 hour days no matter what. plus never get paid or even a Thank You.

Speak for yourself! I have 7 hours a day to myself during the school year, plus some camp hours during the summer. I get lots of Thank Yous, and I have a credit card whose bill magically gets paid no matter what I charge to it. I have no complaints.

[Anonymous]

can I drop my 2 yo twins and 6 month old off at camp for 7 hours. sounds great.

[Anonymous]

No, I would not divorce over this. How would that fix anything?

But then again, I would not put myself in a situation to be totally dependent on a man (or anyone for that matter) if I am healthy and able to work. But that is just my hangup.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:can I drop my 2 yo twins and 6 month old off at camp for 7 hours. sounds great.

Well presumably you like being the one who cares for them since you are a SAHM. And yes, as they get older you will be able to take them to camp. To everything there is a season. You will miss this time with them.

[Anonymous]

How old are your kids OP? I also think you should get a job and pay someone to do the housework

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I totally get it, OP. Being a SAHM doesn’t mean that you are on duty 24/7 while DH gets to sit around watching the or playing on his phone. It’s even more frustrating when your spouse doesn’t clean up their own messes. Playing mommy to a grown man isn’t in the job description. And most importantly, being a man-child who is incapable of basic adult functions is so unattactive. Last night my DH got upset because I wouldn’t help him give our toddler a bath. What kind of grown man needs help with that?? There’s not even room for two people at the tub!

Anyway, what I’ve done is tried to simplify our lives as much as possible. I started a very minimalist lifestyle and every 6 months I go through my house and get rid of tons of stuff. Especially toys. I also make my DD pick up after herself. She’s two, but she’s understands that she needs to clean up very well. Same breakfast and lunch every day, and I have about a dozen easy dinners I rotate through. Grilling is easy cleanup and as a bonus the man feels like he has to pitch in.

I also have a man I exchange flirty texts with. It’s one thing in my life that makes me feel good about myself. But I give myself reality checks that there is no life with any other man. In reality, relationships are hard. I’d probably end up in the same situation with another man-child. I know most men are just trying to hit it and quit it, and I’m not giving up my lifestyle so that obnoxious guys can get laid then disappear. So I enjoy my fantasy with the guy I text, but remind myself that it’s the fantasy I want, not the reality.

Thanks for this and understanding. Relationships are hard and I feel like I got blindsided by this. I feel that I’m trapped forever working honestly from 6am until I drop at 9:30pm while my DH just watches tv at the end of his workday. The kids prefer me as he doesn’t try to engage them so they are often cling to me. I feel like a modern day slave. We have a good lifestyle, but money and lululemon and vacations aren’t everything. I’m not sure if I would be happier alone or if it would be better for my kids (since obviously they come before any of my needs or desires). Every holiday, birthday, event I am busting my butt while he relaxes 100%. Crying doesn’t help. Getting mad doesn’t help. I do it for my kids but I’m afraid I have so much resentment I’m going to get cancer or something.

OK, sounds like you all have money to spare. so get a FT nanny or at least an au pair if you can tolerate someone living in your house and training a new one every 1-2 years. Once your 3 kids are in school and all need to be different places at 3pm or 4pm you will need to clone yourself anyhow.

Could you describe what your are doing from 6am to 9:30pm daily?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP: if I were your husband I'd quit my job, stay home, and vacuum and do laundry once a week. Sure beats the rat race and the commute up 95 every day.

I never understand why these posters don’t get a job as a nanny for three small children and agree to do all housekeeping, cooking, and laundry for the family. These types of positions are in very high demand and pay about $30/hr plus OT after 40 hours. Even more if you agree to be on call 24/7, extremely flexible, and available at the last minute. If you hate commuting, you could even be a live in!

It's amazing anyone goes to college if you can make $30 an hour as a housekeeper.

[Anonymous]

Answer to Ops subject line: Yes

[Anonymous]

I’m just curious about how if you’re so busy you have time to meet, let alone “chat with” several men.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:You flirting with other men is completely on you. It is indefensible and has nothing to do with your DH. I suspect you are using your dissatisfaction with your DH to justify your actions. Yet, if you've outsourced as much as you say you have, how much could there possibly be for you to do?

I had 3 kids in 3 years, DH and both WOH full time and could afford to outsource NOTHING. Two of my kids also have SNs and we had therapy/specialist appointment on top of everything else. My DH also has ADHD and, literally, doesn't see things that need doing or forgets/gets distracted. So, rather than whine about how much he's disrespecting me and texting inappropriately with other men, we worked on what changes we could make to make sure my needs were met and he wasn't set up for failure. A simple list is all it took. I make him a list of what needs to be done (because he doesn't prioritize the way I do) and he does it. What I don't expect is for him to have to do everything. I would much rather SAH than have to WOH FT.

NP. At the direction.of our marriage counselor, I made my ADHD DH a list of small, concrete things he could do to show love, since he is an inattentive workaholic.

He was.supposd to pick one thing a day to do. Instead, he lost the list.

You are lucky to have a DH who is willing to work with you on the ADHD thing, PP.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP: if I were your husband I'd quit my job, stay home, and vacuum and do laundry once a week. Sure beats the rat race and the commute up 95 every day.

I never understand why these posters don’t get a job as a nanny for three small children and agree to do all housekeeping, cooking, and laundry for the family. These types of positions are in very high demand and pay about $30/hr plus OT after 40 hours. Even more if you agree to be on call 24/7, extremely flexible, and available at the last minute. If you hate commuting, you could even be a live in!

It's amazing anyone goes to college if you can make $30 an hour as a housekeeper.

The issue is that pink collar work gets no respect around here.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:You flirting with other men is completely on you. It is indefensible and has nothing to do with your DH. I suspect you are using your dissatisfaction with your DH to justify your actions. Yet, if you've outsourced as much as you say you have, how much could there possibly be for you to do?

I had 3 kids in 3 years, DH and both WOH full time and could afford to outsource NOTHING. Two of my kids also have SNs and we had therapy/specialist appointment on top of everything else. My DH also has ADHD and, literally, doesn't see things that need doing or forgets/gets distracted. So, rather than whine about how much he's disrespecting me and texting inappropriately with other men, we worked on what changes we could make to make sure my needs were met and he wasn't set up for failure. A simple list is all it took. I make him a list of what needs to be done (because he doesn't prioritize the way I do) and he does it. What I don't expect is for him to have to do everything. I would much rather SAH than have to WOH FT.

NP. At the direction.of our marriage counselor, I made my ADHD DH a list of small, concrete things he could do to show love, since he is an inattentive workaholic.

He was.supposd to pick one thing a day to do. Instead, he lost the list.

You are lucky to have a DH who is willing to work with you on the ADHD thing, PP.

OMG same here. We need a Wives of ADD DHs in DC wine club or something.

A couple years into marriage I starting clenching my jaws so much I now have to sleep with a mouthguard and I started drinking - not a lot, prob a glass of something every other day except when pregnant.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I had a friend in your situation. Before you break up your family you owe it to your kids to try getting a job. It may change the power/chores dynamic, and it may also provide you with more $ to outsource. Also, if you divorce you will have to work full time anyway, so try it now.

I SAH for a couple years and basically liked it but my marriage improved when I went back to work. I no longer cared about household stuff the same way, because it was as not as big a part of my life, if that makes sense.

This is BS. I WOHM as does my spouse, and he only remembers to do part of each job so I end up having to do the stuff he constantly forgets. Ex: If I ask him to put the wet swim suits in the washer and move the washed clothes to the dryer. He'll move the clothes to the dryer and forget to wash the wet swim suits. Later when he asks where the swim suits were, I have to tell him in the bathroom across from the laundry machines (where we always keep wet clothes plus I told him that twice when asking him if he'd do it while I took our kid to sports practice) if the washing machine is already running.

EX2: if I write him notes (as I leave earlier in the morning) about how to apply the medicine on my son's toe and wrap it in a waterproof tape before camp as he'll be swimming, he leaves the packaging it came in on the kitchen table and I have to either throw it away later or remind him to do it. Same for wrapping paper. Somehow it's my job to buy the gifts, wrapping paper, tape and birthday cards. If I place the wrapping paper on the kitchen table along with the tape, scissors and gift, he'll wrap it, but then leave the wrapping paper out on the table. AAGGHHH! It's a huge battle just to get him to return it to the place where we keep the wrapping paper.

We both have jobs outside of the home. Just b/c OP is a SAHM doesn't mean she's his personal maid, etc. Taking care of 3 other people including yourself and sometimes your spouse is a hell of a lot. It's not a 24 hr job people.

I totally get OP's resentment.