Divorce over lack of chores?

[Anonymous]

So these other guys, the ones you are attracted to and flirting with, are they doing chores for you? Because I think you are confused about how male/female attraction works. And I would hate to see you lose attraction for your (post divorce) next guy. I think you are also confused about SAHM versus single divorced mom regarding domestic help and free time.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:SAHM. 95% of the chores is your job.

I SAHM each summer. I get that it’s boring and exhausting doing chores and errands. But your DH is keeping the bills paid by going to a job that is probably also boring and exhausting.

I agree with is. You are a homemaker, OP. Being a "mommy" isn't extend of being a SAHM. You are a domestic worker with all that entails.

*homewrecker

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:My DH is a kind, sweet man but he does not clean up after himself or do pretty much anything around the house. I am a sahm to three young kids nd I need some help. Conversations have changed nothing. I do 95% of childcare, chores, yard, car, grocery, cooking. We outsource as much as we can afford but it’s not enough. I am so resentful about it and we fight about every other week. I don’t know what else to do and I think he’s hopeless. Can someone help me understand this? The bottom line is I feel like he doesn’t love or respect me enough to try to help although he says verbally differently.

I am finding myself attracted to other men because of this and I’m ashamed to admit that I have a couple of flirty text convos going with other men.

I wonder if my life would be better just living alone and sharing custody and dating occasionally. I feel like I have a 4th child in my DH.

I am in the same situation. On top of that, I am the one waking and paying for 100% our expenses. I lost his job 2 years ago and cannot find any. The thing he does is dropping us me to work, son to school, then take care of our 3 yo. We fight almost everyday because of that. If I was in your situation, I wouldn’t complain

[Anonymous]

You flirting with other men is completely on you. It is indefensible and has nothing to do with your DH. I suspect you are using your dissatisfaction with your DH to justify your actions. Yet, if you've outsourced as much as you say you have, how much could there possibly be for you to do?

I had 3 kids in 3 years, DH and both WOH full time and could afford to outsource NOTHING. Two of my kids also have SNs and we had therapy/specialist appointment on top of everything else. My DH also has ADHD and, literally, doesn't see things that need doing or forgets/gets distracted. So, rather than whine about how much he's disrespecting me and texting inappropriately with other men, we worked on what changes we could make to make sure my needs were met and he wasn't set up for failure. A simple list is all it took. I make him a list of what needs to be done (because he doesn't prioritize the way I do) and he does it. What I don't expect is for him to have to do everything. I would much rather SAH than have to WOH FT.

[Anonymous]

As someone who recently separated from husband, I would say the household responsibilities and home work load has gotten much easier. We split custody of two young kids, and during my days it's a hustle, but during the off days it is so much free time I hardly know what to do with it. and you don't have to make dinner or do anything, really. And this is after having had a husband who did his fair share with the kids, and 'enough' around the house at least with the daily grind. We split for other issues such as emotional abuse, rage, etc, so this wasn't even a consideration, but I def disagree that the hustle is harder after split. And yes, I work FT.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I guess if you divorce him you'll really find out how little he does.

OP, from one stay at home mom to another, that balance sounds correct.

Managing the home is your "job"

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:So these other guys, the ones you are attracted to and flirting with, are they doing chores for you? Because I think you are confused about how male/female attraction works. And I would hate to see you lose attraction for your (post divorce) next guy. I think you are also confused about SAHM versus single divorced mom regarding domestic help and free time.

I have no desire to marry again or thought that a man would help me with domestic chores. It’s just for fun.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I guess if you divorce him you'll really find out how little he does.

OP, from one stay at home mom to another, that balance sounds correct.

Managing the home is your "job"

Including all the yard work and other physical stuff that a man usually does in a traditional arrangement? I think OP is completely wrong to be flirting with other men, but setting that aside for the moment, she has a valid complaint if she is spending 8 to 6 caring for kids -- the same time her husband is commuting/working -- and then also does every single other thing around the house.

DH and I both work full time with two young kids, and we both took extended leave when each was born -- 5 months for each for me, 2 months for each for him after I went back to work. No question for either of us that staying home was harder, at least for our personality types and jobs (lawyers). If you are outsourcing everything it makes sense for the SAH parent to oversee it because she can be home when the workers come. But if she literally has to do the yardwork herself, when is that getting done? Not during the day, surely, with young kids. Which means it's the weekend. Unless her husband also works all the time on the weekends, which OP didn't say, then he needs to get off his ass and split the weekend chores. It's not fair for one spouse to work 24-7 and the other only 12-5.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:SAHM. 95% of the chores is your job.

I SAHM each summer. I get that it’s boring and exhausting doing chores and errands. But your DH is keeping the bills paid by going to a job that is probably also boring and exhausting.

I agree with is. You are a homemaker, OP. Being a "mommy" isn't extend of being a SAHM. You are a domestic worker with all that entails.

+1. And OP you contribute 0% to your household income. You live a life of privilege, stop whining

[Anonymous]

Sure get a divorce. Tell him today, on Father’s Day. Go sow your wild oats. Really whore it up.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Sure get a divorce. Tell him today, on Father’s Day. Go sow your wild oats. Really whore it up.

+1. I’ve said it earlier. The fact that she’s going to clearly gaslight him that she’s attracted to other men because he doesn’t do chores means the marriage is way past its expiration date. Divorce!

[Anonymous]

Hi OP. I've been a SAHM for 27 years. My youngest is 17. I've been married for 30 years. Your DH works full time outside the home. Your job is to work full time at home. If your DH is smart, he will hire a great attorney, gain physical custody of his kids, leave you pennyless, and find a wife who actually wants to be a partner and not a dependopatomous.

[Anonymous]

OP is wrong to flirt with other men, and most of the chores should fall to her given the work situation.

But her DH should pick up after himself. He's a grownup!

[Anonymous]

I totally get it, OP. Being a SAHM doesn’t mean that you are on duty 24/7 while DH gets to sit around watching the or playing on his phone. It’s even more frustrating when your spouse doesn’t clean up their own messes. Playing mommy to a grown man isn’t in the job description. And most importantly, being a man-child who is incapable of basic adult functions is so unattactive. Last night my DH got upset because I wouldn’t help him give our toddler a bath. What kind of grown man needs help with that?? There’s not even room for two people at the tub!

Anyway, what I’ve done is tried to simplify our lives as much as possible. I started a very minimalist lifestyle and every 6 months I go through my house and get rid of tons of stuff. Especially toys. I also make my DD pick up after herself. She’s two, but she’s understands that she needs to clean up very well. Same breakfast and lunch every day, and I have about a dozen easy dinners I rotate through. Grilling is easy cleanup and as a bonus the man feels like he has to pitch in.

I also have a man I exchange flirty texts with. It’s one thing in my life that makes me feel good about myself. But I give myself reality checks that there is no life with any other man. In reality, relationships are hard. I’d probably end up in the same situation with another man-child. I know most men are just trying to hit it and quit it, and I’m not giving up my lifestyle so that obnoxious guys can get laid then disappear. So I enjoy my fantasy with the guy I text, but remind myself that it’s the fantasy I want, not the reality.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I had a friend in your situation. Before you break up your family you owe it to your kids to try getting a job. It may change the power/chores dynamic, and it may also provide you with more $ to outsource. Also, if you divorce you will have to work full time anyway, so try it now.

I SAH for a couple years and basically liked it but my marriage improved when I went back to work. I no longer cared about household stuff the same way, because it was as not as big a part of my life, if that makes sense.

To expand on this, I used to feel resentment that his laziness was about "disrespect" for me and therefore it really irritated me, but after I was working FT realized it was more about tiredness and wanting downtime, and I felt the same way. I still wished the chores would get done, but I no longer took it personally and because I wasn't trying to be a great SAHM, I let go of the things that didn't matter. And I didn't care as much about the house being a little messy because I wasn't there during the day anyway.

I was also in this situation and returning to work really healed my marriage.