Divorce over lack of chores?

[Anonymous]

My DH is a kind, sweet man but he does not clean up after himself or do pretty much anything around the house. I am a sahm to three young kids nd I need some help. Conversations have changed nothing. I do 95% of childcare, chores, yard, car, grocery, cooking. We outsource as much as we can afford but it’s not enough. I am so resentful about it and we fight about every other week. I don’t know what else to do and I think he’s hopeless. Can someone help me understand this? The bottom line is I feel like he doesn’t love or respect me enough to try to help although he says verbally differently.

I am finding myself attracted to other men because of this and I’m ashamed to admit that I have a couple of flirty text convos going with other men.

I wonder if my life would be better just living alone and sharing custody and dating occasionally. I feel like I have a 4th child in my DH.

[Anonymous]

I guess if you divorce him you'll really find out how little he does.

[Anonymous]

Honestly I would just divorce. It can get better to be free of this.

[Anonymous]

How would you support yourself and your kids if you divorced?

[Anonymous]

SAHM. 95% of the chores is your job.

I SAHM each summer. I get that it’s boring and exhausting doing chores and errands. But your DH is keeping the bills paid by going to a job that is probably also boring and exhausting.

[Anonymous]

If you divorce, you will work FT and do 100 percent of the chores. You’ll also do 100 percent of the childcare at least half the time.

[Anonymous]

This isn’t divorcing over a lack of chores. This is divorcing because you want to be with another man. Which is fine, but be truthful about it.

There is no difference between what you’re thinking about and a husband leaving his family for his secretary/soulmate.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:SAHM. 95% of the chores is your job.

I SAHM each summer. I get that it’s boring and exhausting doing chores and errands. But your DH is keeping the bills paid by going to a job that is probably also boring and exhausting.

I agree with is. You are a homemaker, OP. Being a "mommy" isn't extend of being a SAHM. You are a domestic worker with all that entails.

[Anonymous]

I would also note that the fact that you channel your resentment into flirty texts with other men (who literally do nothing to actudally help your daily life) means there’s something else going on.

In my experience it’s simply the marriage doldrums. Once you get these symptoms (resentments and attractions to random dudes) your marriage is toast. Literally.

I’m sure some people will come on here and tell you Gottman theory and counseling.

I’m here to say move on. And quickly for everyone’s sake. Pull off the Bandaid.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:SAHM. 95% of the chores is your job.

I SAHM each summer. I get that it’s boring and exhausting doing chores and errands. But your DH is keeping the bills paid by going to a job that is probably also boring and exhausting.

This is BS. 95% of taking care of the 3 young children during the day is OP’s job. The question is what is everyone doing on the weekends? What is the husband doing? He has a break from his work. When does the mother of his children get a break? Is he making the meals? Is he bathing the kids and cleaning up after them on the weekends?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:SAHM. 95% of the chores is your job.

I SAHM each summer. I get that it’s boring and exhausting doing chores and errands. But your DH is keeping the bills paid by going to a job that is probably also boring and exhausting.

This is BS. 95% of taking care of the 3 young children during the day is OP’s job. The question is what is everyone doing on the weekends? What is the husband doing? He has a break from his work. When does the mother of his children get a break? Is he making the meals? Is he bathing the kids and cleaning up after them on the weekends?

Irrelevant. Totally. She’s flirting with other guys. Guys who would do less in future as kids are not theirs.

[Anonymous]

I had a friend in your situation. Before you break up your family you owe it to your kids to try getting a job. It may change the power/chores dynamic, and it may also provide you with more $ to outsource. Also, if you divorce you will have to work full time anyway, so try it now.

I SAH for a couple years and basically liked it but my marriage improved when I went back to work. I no longer cared about household stuff the same way, because it was as not as big a part of my life, if that makes sense.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I had a friend in your situation. Before you break up your family you owe it to your kids to try getting a job. It may change the power/chores dynamic, and it may also provide you with more $ to outsource. Also, if you divorce you will have to work full time anyway, so try it now.

I SAH for a couple years and basically liked it but my marriage improved when I went back to work. I no longer cared about household stuff the same way, because it was as not as big a part of my life, if that makes sense.

To expand on this, I used to feel resentment that his laziness was about "disrespect" for me and therefore it really irritated me, but after I was working FT realized it was more about tiredness and wanting downtime, and I felt the same way. I still wished the chores would get done, but I no longer took it personally and because I wasn't trying to be a great SAHM, I let go of the things that didn't matter. And I didn't care as much about the house being a little messy because I wasn't there during the day anyway.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I had a friend in your situation. Before you break up your family you owe it to your kids to try getting a job. It may change the power/chores dynamic, and it may also provide you with more $ to outsource. Also, if you divorce you will have to work full time anyway, so try it now.

I SAH for a couple years and basically liked it but my marriage improved when I went back to work. I no longer cared about household stuff the same way, because it was as not as big a part of my life, if that makes sense.

Thanks for this. I have a masters and could work. I would only make about a quarter of what my DH makes though.

In response to people telling me the housework is all my job, I totally agree that it’s my job to
Do most of it. I’m the sahm. However, I simply can’t do it all or even a good portion of it with the ages of my kids unless I work for hours each night past bedtime. This isn’t the 1950s. I think he should help a little other than bring in a paycheck.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I had a friend in your situation. Before you break up your family you owe it to your kids to try getting a job. It may change the power/chores dynamic, and it may also provide you with more $ to outsource. Also, if you divorce you will have to work full time anyway, so try it now.

I SAH for a couple years and basically liked it but my marriage improved when I went back to work. I no longer cared about household stuff the same way, because it was as not as big a part of my life, if that makes sense.

No. We’ve all seen this before. Getting a job will only expose her to more men she perceived as more attractive. She should get a job in preparation for the divorce.

I think people should divorce quicker in circumstances like this. Wish I had. Many friends wish they had.