Divorce over lack of chores?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I totally get it, OP. Being a SAHM doesn’t mean that you are on duty 24/7 while DH gets to sit around watching the or playing on his phone. It’s even more frustrating when your spouse doesn’t clean up their own messes. Playing mommy to a grown man isn’t in the job description. And most importantly, being a man-child who is incapable of basic adult functions is so unattactive. Last night my DH got upset because I wouldn’t help him give our toddler a bath. What kind of grown man needs help with that?? There’s not even room for two people at the tub!

Anyway, what I’ve done is tried to simplify our lives as much as possible. I started a very minimalist lifestyle and every 6 months I go through my house and get rid of tons of stuff. Especially toys. I also make my DD pick up after herself. She’s two, but she’s understands that she needs to clean up very well. Same breakfast and lunch every day, and I have about a dozen easy dinners I rotate through. Grilling is easy cleanup and as a bonus the man feels like he has to pitch in.

I also have a man I exchange flirty texts with. It’s one thing in my life that makes me feel good about myself. But I give myself reality checks that there is no life with any other man. In reality, relationships are hard. I’d probably end up in the same situation with another man-child. I know most men are just trying to hit it and quit it, and I’m not giving up my lifestyle so that obnoxious guys can get laid then disappear. So I enjoy my fantasy with the guy I text, but remind myself that it’s the fantasy I want, not the reality.

Thanks for this and understanding. Relationships are hard and I feel like I got blindsided by this. I feel that I’m trapped forever working honestly from 6am until I drop at 9:30pm while my DH just watches tv at the end of his workday. The kids prefer me as he doesn’t try to engage them so they are often cling to me. I feel like a modern day slave. We have a good lifestyle, but money and lululemon and vacations aren’t everything. I’m not sure if I would be happier alone or if it would be better for my kids (since obviously they come before any of my needs or desires). Every holiday, birthday, event I am busting my butt while he relaxes 100%. Crying doesn’t help. Getting mad doesn’t help. I do it for my kids but I’m afraid I have so much resentment I’m going to get cancer or something.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Sure get a divorce. Tell him today, on Father’s Day. Go sow your wild oats. Really whore it up.

I would never do that. I am cooking and serving all day today. We will
Have sec tonight.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I guess if you divorce him you'll really find out how little he does.

OP, from one stay at home mom to another, that balance sounds correct.

Managing the home is your "job"

I have 3 kids and I totally disagree. Especially when they are very small, it is endless drudgery just doing the childcare and basics of keeping everyone alive, let alone mowing the lawn and scrubbing toilets. Her job is to take care of the kids while he is at work. Everything else should be 50/50. She is not his maid or live-in cook or gardener. Ridiculous.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Hi OP. I've been a SAHM for 27 years. My youngest is 17. I've been married for 30 years. Your DH works full time outside the home. Your job is to work full time at home. If your DH is smart, he will hire a great attorney, gain physical custody of his kids, leave you pennyless, and find a wife who actually wants to be a partner and not a dependopatomous.

Is this that annoying old lady with 4 or 5 kids? You never have any useful advice. She is working about three full time jobs at home. Her working "full time" would be just doing what she does from 9-6.

[Anonymous]

Are your kids in full time school?

Exactly how much are you outsourcing?

[Anonymous]

OP, why don’t you go back to work full time and hire even more household help.

Oh, wait, I bet you don’t want to work.

Why exactly do you think a divorce would help?

[Anonymous]

There are so many other options other than divorce. Flirting with other men, and breaking up your family is the cruel way out.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I totally get it, OP. Being a SAHM doesn’t mean that you are on duty 24/7 while DH gets to sit around watching the or playing on his phone. It’s even more frustrating when your spouse doesn’t clean up their own messes. Playing mommy to a grown man isn’t in the job description. And most importantly, being a man-child who is incapable of basic adult functions is so unattactive. Last night my DH got upset because I wouldn’t help him give our toddler a bath. What kind of grown man needs help with that?? There’s not even room for two people at the tub!

Anyway, what I’ve done is tried to simplify our lives as much as possible. I started a very minimalist lifestyle and every 6 months I go through my house and get rid of tons of stuff. Especially toys. I also make my DD pick up after herself. She’s two, but she’s understands that she needs to clean up very well. Same breakfast and lunch every day, and I have about a dozen easy dinners I rotate through. Grilling is easy cleanup and as a bonus the man feels like he has to pitch in.

I also have a man I exchange flirty texts with. It’s one thing in my life that makes me feel good about myself. But I give myself reality checks that there is no life with any other man. In reality, relationships are hard. I’d probably end up in the same situation with another man-child. I know most men are just trying to hit it and quit it, and I’m not giving up my lifestyle so that obnoxious guys can get laid then disappear. So I enjoy my fantasy with the guy I text, but remind myself that it’s the fantasy I want, not the reality.

Thanks for this and understanding. Relationships are hard and I feel like I got blindsided by this. I feel that I’m trapped forever working honestly from 6am until I drop at 9:30pm while my DH just watches tv at the end of his workday. The kids prefer me as he doesn’t try to engage them so they are often cling to me. I feel like a modern day slave. We have a good lifestyle, but money and lululemon and vacations aren’t everything. I’m not sure if I would be happier alone or if it would be better for my kids (since obviously they come before any of my needs or desires). Every holiday, birthday, event I am busting my butt while he relaxes 100%. Crying doesn’t help. Getting mad doesn’t help. I do it for my kids but I’m afraid I have so much resentment I’m going to get cancer or something.

PP here. It’s okay to stop putting in all the effort on holidays and birthdays. I don’t host holidays for that exact reason. We hold parties outside of the home. Right now some of DH’s family is visiting and I’m not doing much to host them. Part of me feels guilty because our guests have actually been doing a lot of the cooking and cleanup, but I figure if my DH doesn’t give a crap, why should I? They’re his family. I’m sure they will gossip about it to the rest of the family and put the blame on me, but whatever.

[Anonymous]

The hypocrites on here and crazy. If OP was a man and was on beee talking about sexhamging flirt texts with other women, there would be lashes upon pages bashing him. Why does Op get a pass because she is a woman? She’s cheating.
Emotional cheating is cheating. It’s pathetic and disgusting.

Op, you want to why divorced, get divorced, but be honest with yourself and come clean to your dh. You want to leave because you want to date other men. You’re a cheater. Your dh deserves better. He deserves a faithful spouse. Him not doing chores is no excuse for cheating. You don’t sound like you are that great of a partner either.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I guess if you divorce him you'll really find out how little he does.

OP, from one stay at home mom to another, that balance sounds correct.

Managing the home is your "job"

I have 3 kids and I totally disagree. Especially when they are very small, it is endless drudgery just doing the childcare and basics of keeping everyone alive, let alone mowing the lawn and scrubbing toilets. Her job is to take care of the kids while he is at work. Everything else should be 50/50. She is not his maid or live-in cook or gardener. Ridiculous.

Wow. I, too, have 3 kids and disagree that when you stay home with the kids, your only job is the kids. My DH was a SAHF for several years with our kid. My expectation is that when I came home, the kids would have been well cared for that day, the house would be clean, laundry done and food in the kitchen. Overall, tking care of kids while you're at home is just not that hard. It may not be great for some people - and in that case the should go back to work and send their kids to daycare. But to think that the only thing you do all day every day is watch kids is just ridiculous.

[Anonymous]

I have been a SAHM for 10 years. Included in this I have always done grocery shopping, laundry and tidied the house during the day. Biweekly cleaners do the bigger cleaning. We split dinner dishes and kids baths but I do the breakfast and lunch dishes and I prepare 90% of the dinners.

I don’t feel used or taken advanatage of. I have no financial concerns and have never had to leave my child at daycare. I would never minimize what my husband does for the family.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:If you divorce, you will work FT and do 100 percent of the chores. You’ll also do 100 percent of the childcare at least half the time.

OP sounds like a troll. Or delusional.

[Anonymous]

You have children Set an example. Set an example of problem solving. Any person with half a brain can come up with a solution, ie hiring help.

[Anonymous]

Take action and hire whatever help you need. STOP DISCUSSING IT WITH HIM. JUST DO IT.

[Anonymous]

Seems to me that during the work day while DH is at work, you are 100% responsible and try to do as much as possible and be efficient. At night and on weekends, it should be as close to 50/50 as possible, with the goal of DH taking on more of the child care so he has bonding time with the kids.