MIL mad that we want to host Thanksgiving

[Anonymous]

OP, I'm an only child and my family had standing traditions around each holiday so I always knew what to expect. My DH, who has a full brother and a half brother, never had traditions growing up. Once he got to be a teenager and was working at a local restaurant, he worked on the holidays.

We've been married 23 years and until about 4 years ago, we didn't have standing traditions, but always got together with family over the holidays. 4 years ago, my oldest son started college and my DH told me he wanted us to start hosting every holiday so our kids would always know that we'd always be making an effort to get everyone together (we know that eventually, we will have to celebrate some holidays together not on the actual holiday) MIL doesn't seem to want to accept that because she keeps asking us if we're coming to her house for various holidays. DH just keeps repeating that she and FIL are welcome to come to our house, but we understand if they have other plans.

DH always delivers the message because we want MIL to know that the arrangement was his idea. My parents can always come because I'm the only child, but they were always willing to celebrate any holiday with us the day before or after the actual holiday so we could be with MIL.

Your MIL will get over it.

[Anonymous]

OP, did you discuss this idea with MIL in advance, or did you issue invitations at the same time to everyone at once, including your MIL? Was she surprised by this invitation?

I think that when someone has had everyone to their house for a particular holiday every year for a number of years, it makes sense to check in with them ahead of time with a suggestion of a change. By sending out invitations so far ahead of time, it looks as though you are trying to get so far ahead of the curve that no one else could possibly invite anyone before you.

If you did let her know before inviting her or anyone else, good for you for being courteous. If not, and you just sent out invitations really early to get a jump on her to make sure she couldn't possibly invite the others first, then she probably feels pretty blindsided and hurt.

[Anonymous]

Team OP on this one. My parents graciously invited my inlaws on their thanksgiving years (we do every other with each family set) but my inlaws never invite my parents (I'm an only child and my parents have no other family to see when I'm at my inlaws). My parents put their foot down and refused to host them this year. I'm sure I'll hear about it.

My inlaws refused to come to us to allow us to host a few years ago. They didn't let their other children come to our house either. Dh then gave into his mom and said we wouldn't host and would go to her thanksgiving. Sigh

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP, did you discuss this idea with MIL in advance, or did you issue invitations at the same time to everyone at once, including your MIL? Was she surprised by this invitation?

I think that when someone has had everyone to their house for a particular holiday every year for a number of years, it makes sense to check in with them ahead of time with a suggestion of a change. By sending out invitations so far ahead of time, it looks as though you are trying to get so far ahead of the curve that no one else could possibly invite anyone before you.

If you did let her know before inviting her or anyone else, good for you for being courteous. If not, and you just sent out invitations really early to get a jump on her to make sure she couldn't possibly invite the others first, then she probably feels pretty blindsided and hurt.

OP here. DH called her and told her we are hosting, she and friends are welcome. More than two weeks later, we emailed the other guests. BIL and SIL for years have wanted to mix it up. Others seem less invested, happy to go wherever there’s turkey and pie. She was noncommittal during the first call, then seemed put out in the email weeks later.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Team OP on this one. My parents graciously invited my inlaws on their thanksgiving years (we do every other with each family set) but my inlaws never invite my parents (I'm an only child and my parents have no other family to see when I'm at my inlaws). My parents put their foot down and refused to host them this year. I'm sure I'll hear about it.

My inlaws refused to come to us to allow us to host a few years ago. They didn't let their other children come to our house either. Dh then gave into his mom and said we wouldn't host and would go to her thanksgiving. Sigh

Good for your parents! How horribly rude of your ILs to accept their hospitality for years with no reciprocation.

[Anonymous]

I am so jealous of OP that she has the time and energy to have her panties in a wad over this.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I am so jealous of OP that she has the time and energy to have her panties in a wad over this.

And yet you have time to make this comment after voluntarily clicking on a thread which was clearly about Thanksgiving in April.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP, did you discuss this idea with MIL in advance, or did you issue invitations at the same time to everyone at once, including your MIL? Was she surprised by this invitation?

I think that when someone has had everyone to their house for a particular holiday every year for a number of years, it makes sense to check in with them ahead of time with a suggestion of a change. By sending out invitations so far ahead of time, it looks as though you are trying to get so far ahead of the curve that no one else could possibly invite anyone before you.

If you did let her know before inviting her or anyone else, good for you for being courteous. If not, and you just sent out invitations really early to get a jump on her to make sure she couldn't possibly invite the others first, then she probably feels pretty blindsided and hurt.

OP here. DH called her and told her we are hosting, she and friends are welcome. More than two weeks later, we emailed the other guests. BIL and SIL for years have wanted to mix it up. Others seem less invested, happy to go wherever there’s turkey and pie. She was noncommittal during the first call, then seemed put out in the email weeks later.

And you let them know you would be sending out invitations in April?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP, did you discuss this idea with MIL in advance, or did you issue invitations at the same time to everyone at once, including your MIL? Was she surprised by this invitation?

I think that when someone has had everyone to their house for a particular holiday every year for a number of years, it makes sense to check in with them ahead of time with a suggestion of a change. By sending out invitations so far ahead of time, it looks as though you are trying to get so far ahead of the curve that no one else could possibly invite anyone before you.

If you did let her know before inviting her or anyone else, good for you for being courteous. If not, and you just sent out invitations really early to get a jump on her to make sure she couldn't possibly invite the others first, then she probably feels pretty blindsided and hurt.

OP here. DH called her and told her we are hosting, she and friends are welcome. More than two weeks later, we emailed the other guests. BIL and SIL for years have wanted to mix it up. Others seem less invested, happy to go wherever there’s turkey and pie. She was noncommittal during the first call, then seemed put out in the email weeks later.

And you let them know you would be sending out invitations in April?

I'm not sure what you mean. We emailed them to let them know we were hosting, and they were welcome to come. AFTER DH called MIL to let her know that we were hosting, and both she and her friends are welcome to come.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP, did you discuss this idea with MIL in advance, or did you issue invitations at the same time to everyone at once, including your MIL? Was she surprised by this invitation?

I think that when someone has had everyone to their house for a particular holiday every year for a number of years, it makes sense to check in with them ahead of time with a suggestion of a change. By sending out invitations so far ahead of time, it looks as though you are trying to get so far ahead of the curve that no one else could possibly invite anyone before you.

If you did let her know before inviting her or anyone else, good for you for being courteous. If not, and you just sent out invitations really early to get a jump on her to make sure she couldn't possibly invite the others first, then she probably feels pretty blindsided and hurt.

OP here. DH called her and told her we are hosting, she and friends are welcome. More than two weeks later, we emailed the other guests. BIL and SIL for years have wanted to mix it up. Others seem less invested, happy to go wherever there’s turkey and pie. She was noncommittal during the first call, then seemed put out in the email weeks later.

And you let them know you would be sending out invitations in April?

I'm not sure what you mean. We emailed them to let them know we were hosting, and they were welcome to come. AFTER DH called MIL to let her know that we were hosting, and both she and her friends are welcome to come.

OP, ignore PP. People who don't deal with ILs who hoard holiday hosting don't get it. My MIL approaches us about hosting holidays several months before and then is mad when we refuse to engage months ahead of time.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP, did you discuss this idea with MIL in advance, or did you issue invitations at the same time to everyone at once, including your MIL? Was she surprised by this invitation?

I think that when someone has had everyone to their house for a particular holiday every year for a number of years, it makes sense to check in with them ahead of time with a suggestion of a change. By sending out invitations so far ahead of time, it looks as though you are trying to get so far ahead of the curve that no one else could possibly invite anyone before you.

If you did let her know before inviting her or anyone else, good for you for being courteous. If not, and you just sent out invitations really early to get a jump on her to make sure she couldn't possibly invite the others first, then she probably feels pretty blindsided and hurt.

OP here. DH called her and told her we are hosting, she and friends are welcome. More than two weeks later, we emailed the other guests. BIL and SIL for years have wanted to mix it up. Others seem less invested, happy to go wherever there’s turkey and pie. She was noncommittal during the first call, then seemed put out in the email weeks later.

And you let them know you would be sending out invitations in April?

I'm not sure what you mean. We emailed them to let them know we were hosting, and they were welcome to come. AFTER DH called MIL to let her know that we were hosting, and both she and her friends are welcome to come.

OP, ignore PP. People who don't deal with ILs who hoard holiday hosting don't get it. My MIL approaches us about hosting holidays several months before and then is mad when we refuse to engage months ahead of time.

Oh, I would understand completely if someone didn't want to respond so far our, our intention was just to let them know our plans and let them know they are welcome. They can do whatever works for them, even if that means ending up at MILs. Though I think from BIL and SILs ecstatic response that that won't happen.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP, did you discuss this idea with MIL in advance, or did you issue invitations at the same time to everyone at once, including your MIL? Was she surprised by this invitation?

I think that when someone has had everyone to their house for a particular holiday every year for a number of years, it makes sense to check in with them ahead of time with a suggestion of a change. By sending out invitations so far ahead of time, it looks as though you are trying to get so far ahead of the curve that no one else could possibly invite anyone before you.

If you did let her know before inviting her or anyone else, good for you for being courteous. If not, and you just sent out invitations really early to get a jump on her to make sure she couldn't possibly invite the others first, then she probably feels pretty blindsided and hurt.

OP here. DH called her and told her we are hosting, she and friends are welcome. More than two weeks later, we emailed the other guests. BIL and SIL for years have wanted to mix it up. Others seem less invested, happy to go wherever there’s turkey and pie. She was noncommittal during the first call, then seemed put out in the email weeks later.

And you let them know you would be sending out invitations in April?

I'm not sure what you mean. We emailed them to let them know we were hosting, and they were welcome to come. AFTER DH called MIL to let her know that we were hosting, and both she and her friends are welcome to come.

So you just told them what would be happening, with no discussion?

And April is a really unusual time to invite people to a holiday dinner in November. It is more than half a year away. It might have come across to them that you were making sure that people wouldn't have your invitation first by sending it out so far ahead of time. Otherwise, people might have had to choose between one from you all and one from them. It might have come across to her that you were trying to invite her family members and get their yes responses before she ever had a chance to say that she was planning to invite the same people to her house.

If you'd sent invitations in October, or even September, it would be one thing, but by sending so early, it looks as though you were just trying to get a big jump on your in laws. It's possible that they feel hurt because they enjoy having their children and their families and their friends of many years at their home for Thanksgiving every year and you did an end run behind their backs to make a point that you wanted to have everyone at your house instead.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I am so jealous of OP that she has the time and energy to have her panties in a wad over this.

And yet you have time to make this comment after voluntarily clicking on a thread which was clearly about Thanksgiving in April.

+1

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP, did you discuss this idea with MIL in advance, or did you issue invitations at the same time to everyone at once, including your MIL? Was she surprised by this invitation?

I think that when someone has had everyone to their house for a particular holiday every year for a number of years, it makes sense to check in with them ahead of time with a suggestion of a change. By sending out invitations so far ahead of time, it looks as though you are trying to get so far ahead of the curve that no one else could possibly invite anyone before you.

If you did let her know before inviting her or anyone else, good for you for being courteous. If not, and you just sent out invitations really early to get a jump on her to make sure she couldn't possibly invite the others first, then she probably feels pretty blindsided and hurt.

OP here. DH called her and told her we are hosting, she and friends are welcome. More than two weeks later, we emailed the other guests. BIL and SIL for years have wanted to mix it up. Others seem less invested, happy to go wherever there’s turkey and pie. She was noncommittal during the first call, then seemed put out in the email weeks later.

And you let them know you would be sending out invitations in April?

I'm not sure what you mean. We emailed them to let them know we were hosting, and they were welcome to come. AFTER DH called MIL to let her know that we were hosting, and both she and her friends are welcome to come.

So you just told them what would be happening, with no discussion?

And April is a really unusual time to invite people to a holiday dinner in November. It is more than half a year away. It might have come across to them that you were making sure that people wouldn't have your invitation first by sending it out so far ahead of time. Otherwise, people might have had to choose between one from you all and one from them. It might have come across to her that you were trying to invite her family members and get their yes responses before she ever had a chance to say that she was planning to invite the same people to her house.

If you'd sent invitations in October, or even September, it would be one thing, but by sending so early, it looks as though you were just trying to get a big jump on your in laws. It's possible that they feel hurt because they enjoy having their children and their families and their friends of many years at their home for Thanksgiving every year and you did an end run behind their backs to make a point that you wanted to have everyone at your house instead.

Nooooooo, I didn't tell them "what was happening, with no discussion." We told them what WE are doing, which is celebrating Thanksgiving in our own home this year, and made sure they knew that all are invited and welcome--including letting MIL know that she could invite her friends. There's nothing to discuss with anyone about where we will be for Thanksgiving--in our own home. That's our decision. Whether they want to accept or not is their decision; we just wanted to give everyone ample time to discuss and figure out what works best for them.

The only reason we felt we needed to do this in April is because we just saw MIL for Easter (at her house), and she was already talking about other holidays this year, like, oh is this the year I have Christmas with you, or Thanksgiving. She was already asking about school holidays, etc.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP, did you discuss this idea with MIL in advance, or did you issue invitations at the same time to everyone at once, including your MIL? Was she surprised by this invitation?

I think that when someone has had everyone to their house for a particular holiday every year for a number of years, it makes sense to check in with them ahead of time with a suggestion of a change. By sending out invitations so far ahead of time, it looks as though you are trying to get so far ahead of the curve that no one else could possibly invite anyone before you.

If you did let her know before inviting her or anyone else, good for you for being courteous. If not, and you just sent out invitations really early to get a jump on her to make sure she couldn't possibly invite the others first, then she probably feels pretty blindsided and hurt.

OP here. DH called her and told her we are hosting, she and friends are welcome. More than two weeks later, we emailed the other guests. BIL and SIL for years have wanted to mix it up. Others seem less invested, happy to go wherever there’s turkey and pie. She was noncommittal during the first call, then seemed put out in the email weeks later.

And you let them know you would be sending out invitations in April?

I'm not sure what you mean. We emailed them to let them know we were hosting, and they were welcome to come. AFTER DH called MIL to let her know that we were hosting, and both she and her friends are welcome to come.

So you just told them what would be happening, with no discussion?

And April is a really unusual time to invite people to a holiday dinner in November. It is more than half a year away. It might have come across to them that you were making sure that people wouldn't have your invitation first by sending it out so far ahead of time. Otherwise, people might have had to choose between one from you all and one from them. It might have come across to her that you were trying to invite her family members and get their yes responses before she ever had a chance to say that she was planning to invite the same people to her house.

If you'd sent invitations in October, or even September, it would be one thing, but by sending so early, it looks as though you were just trying to get a big jump on your in laws. It's possible that they feel hurt because they enjoy having their children and their families and their friends of many years at their home for Thanksgiving every year and you did an end run behind their backs to make a point that you wanted to have everyone at your house instead.

Oh, PLEASE. Sorry, nope, I know DCUM Family Relationships threads way too much to buy this logic. If OP waited until Steptember or October, people would be chiding her for waiting until the last minute and "springing" this on poor MIL.

-np