Ever lie to your spouse/family re business trips?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:So OP still hasn’t address the glaring problem with all the dishonesty. Or if she would be cool with this if her husband did this.

OP here -- yes I realize I'm being dishonest. Yet it's the only way I can see to get what I want because unlike what others are saying, I know him enough to know that he'd feel super generous offering me 1 girls weekend a year, not a trip every 3 months. If I'd be ok with him traveling -- yeah; it would even things out actually, but he wouldn't do it. In his mind, once you have a family you travel as a unit or not at all. He begrudgingly accepts my business travel because my work is "making me" doing it, but in his mind he doesn't get voluntary solo travel; that's why he'd feel like 1 girls weekend away was SUCH a generous offer.

[Anonymous]

How would you feel if your husband when on 4 fake trips a year? Because if you are doing this, the only way I wouldn't divorce you is if you came forward and said this is what I do and you can do the same. Otherwise you are just a selfish liar.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:So OP still hasn’t address the glaring problem with all the dishonesty. Or if she would be cool with this if her husband did this.

OP here -- yes I realize I'm being dishonest. Yet it's the only way I can see to get what I want because unlike what others are saying, I know him enough to know that he'd feel super generous offering me 1 girls weekend a year, not a trip every 3 months. If I'd be ok with him traveling -- yeah; it would even things out actually, but he wouldn't do it. In his mind, once you have a family you travel as a unit or not at all. He begrudgingly accepts my business travel because my work is "making me" doing it, but in his mind he doesn't get voluntary solo travel; that's why he'd feel like 1 girls weekend away was SUCH a generous offer.

Because he isn't an immature person. You don't get 4 trips of me time a year when you have little kids unless you have a non-parent willing and able to watch the kids.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:So OP still hasn’t address the glaring problem with all the dishonesty. Or if she would be cool with this if her husband did this.

OP here -- yes I realize I'm being dishonest. Yet it's the only way I can see to get what I want because unlike what others are saying, I know him enough to know that he'd feel super generous offering me 1 girls weekend a year, not a trip every 3 months. If I'd be ok with him traveling -- yeah; it would even things out actually, but he wouldn't do it. In his mind, once you have a family you travel as a unit or not at all. He begrudgingly accepts my business travel because my work is "making me" doing it, but in his mind he doesn't get voluntary solo travel; that's why he'd feel like 1 girls weekend away was SUCH a generous offer.

Because he isn't an immature person. You don't get 4 trips of me time a year when you have little kids unless you have a non-parent willing and able to watch the kids.

This. Sounds like he was ok with your business travel (real or made up) before kids came because it was just him and he could manage without you. Now with kids, seems like his mindset has switched to -- kids come first at least most of the time and kids need their mother at least most of the time. So he's ok with your business travel when you HAVE to do it, but wouldn't be ok with 4 personal trips a year because you are taking time away from your kids pretty frequently for what YOU want, while it seems like he isn't doing that. The fact that you think he'd offer you a weekend away means he does recognize the need for a break, but he thinks kids come first MOST of the time -- so that 1 weekend should be enough. He has made that shift with parenting and you haven't and want to do what you've always done.

[Anonymous]

Do you like being a wife and mom? Do you LIKE coming home from these trips? Or do you dread walking in the front door? My first impression is you're running away from your home life to sit alone in fancy hotels. I understand how hectic/tiring the little kid years are, but when I return from a trip and the cab is pulling up to my house, I am genuinely excited to get inside and see what my kids are doing. Do you feel like that or is it more like -- ugh I hope we hit traffic on the way home and then I get home 30 min later?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:So OP still hasn’t address the glaring problem with all the dishonesty. Or if she would be cool with this if her husband did this.

OP here -- yes I realize I'm being dishonest. Yet it's the only way I can see to get what I want because unlike what others are saying, I know him enough to know that he'd feel super generous offering me 1 girls weekend a year, not a trip every 3 months. If I'd be ok with him traveling -- yeah; it would even things out actually, but he wouldn't do it. In his mind, once you have a family you travel as a unit or not at all. He begrudgingly accepts my business travel because my work is "making me" doing it, but in his mind he doesn't get voluntary solo travel; that's why he'd feel like 1 girls weekend away was SUCH a generous offer.

Because he isn't an immature person. You don't get 4 trips of me time a year when you have little kids unless you have a non-parent willing and able to watch the kids.

There's more than one way to do motherhood. Wanting 4 trips of me time is not a sign of immaturity, where OP has gone wrong is by marrying someone who is not on the same page as her and by lying her way around him instead of being honest and dealing with the consequences of her choice in partner.

[Anonymous]

^ He said he was on the same page pre marriage. She sounds like she was super clear with how she would be and gave him a chance to walk away. How was she to know he was saying it was fine while secretly hoping she’d change?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:^ He said he was on the same page pre marriage. She sounds like she was super clear with how she would be and gave him a chance to walk away. How was she to know he was saying it was fine while secretly hoping she’d change?

It looks like they got on the same page about working vs not working after children, but not about travel, me time, and those issues. His stance of only traveling together as a family sounds pretty extreme to me, and it sounds like he didn't hide those leanings before getting married.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP here -- seems like a nearly uniform response. For those that are saying -- just tell DH, he'll understand. I don't think so.

Before we got married, we talked a LOT about how we expected married/family life to look. He (and my family; my inlaws - not that their opinions matter) was of the view -- of course a woman should work but AFTER she takes 10 years off to be with the kids. He and our families have countless examples of friends/cousins/whoever who are doing SO great bc they can balance family and still work. Reality is it's women who went to med school but are happy being weekend radiologists or picking up 1 shift at a pediatrics office or women with MBAs who left big jobs to open their own "consulting" practice which (by their admission) results in 1 gig per year netting them 20k.

I was VERY clear that that wasn't me. I intended to work and travel as I always had and had no interest in being home for any length of time besides maternity leave. I didn't deceive him about this -- we clearly talked about how if this wasn't what he wanted, we could walk away. He decided he was ok with it.

Now that we're knee deep in the little kid years, I think he does look at friends' wives etc. and thinks it'd be so great if I worked 1 day/week like them. Yet I don't feel bad that he feels put out bc let's be honest, those women aren't bringing home more than half the HHI and those families don't have the financial freedom that we have because of my job.

So no I don't think he'd say -- oh you need time away, great, no problem if you want to go away 4 times a year. I think he'd think he was being sooo generous if he said -- oh you need time away, please go take a girls weekend with your sister or bff or you have a high school reunion soon, go and stay the night in a hotel instead of taking Amtrak back that night. For me that isn't enough -- I really feel like I need 12-16 days a year in different places, not simply visiting family and bc I don't think he'll understand, I feel like I have to lie . . . .

Op:

I think I'm a little bit like you in that I need to travel. But I don't lie to my husband about it, and I actually prefer to travel with my family than travel alone.

I do seek out travel opportunities for business (and my husband understands--it's cool for my career to be invited abroad to present at a conference, and I get to see a new place). But I've never lied and went somewhere alone just for fun.

My question is: do you just need the break from work and the thrill of travel, or do you also need the break from your family? For me, I just need the break from the office and the thrill of travel---I actually hate being away from my family and I always wish I could afford to bring them along. But it sounds like you are doing this to escape from your family---is that true? If not, then why not simply plan more family vacations (potentially piggybacking it on work trips)?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Let’s say he “doesn’t understand.” So what?

Why are you so conflict-averse? Say what you need or you have no chance of getting your needs met wih integrity.

He doesn’t have to understand it or be happy about it. You get to take your days your even if he doesn’t like it.

But lying about the fact that you are doing it is a totally different level—a way bigger problem than him being disapproving in the first place. That shit ain’t right.

Not in many/most marriages. Don't know about OP but in many marriages, DH thinking you shouldn't be going away or shouldn't be going away every other months and you saying "sorry I'm out anyway, doesn't matter if you don't like it" would lead to a separation and ultimately a divorce if the person did it more than 1-2x. DH could view it in any number of ways -- like she doesn't care about me/my opinion, she's not a great mom because her needs repeatedly come before the kids', I'm out.

What she’s doing right now is a hell of a lot more likely to lead to divorce than some days off each year that he doesn’t like.

[Anonymous]

Was she super clear? Did she say, in addition to work travel, I expect to take 4 vacations solo per year? I mean she did say she planned tonwirk and travel, and she has...but now in the little kid years she wants to escape .I get it, I do too, but we discuss it!

Feeling like you have to lie to get what you want is really immature. Work it out with your DH. Your being incredibly unfair by painting him as the bad guy so you can justify your deception.

Are either if your parents alcoholics? There's a very strange way you avoid taking responsibility for your actions....

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Are either if your parents alcoholics? There's a very strange way you avoid taking responsibility for your actions....

+1

[Anonymous]

If a man was going on pretend business trips, he would have been crucified.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:If a man was going on pretend business trips, he would have been crucified.

+1.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Are either if your parents alcoholics? There's a very strange way you avoid taking responsibility for your actions....

+1

OP here - no alcoholics in the family; neither parent drinks at all. Not sure why that even matters.