Ever lie to your spouse/family re business trips?
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Anonymous
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I'm in a job with some limited travel -- like 2-6 times/yr. Lately though I've had a lot more local work so we're down to more like 2 trips/yr which I'm unhappy with as I prefer to be out of town and out of the office. Am I the only one who lies to DH about "having" to go on business trips? In past years, like 1 or 2 times a yr, it would be an actual 2 night business trip which I'd stretch into 3-4 nights on my own dime. More recently I've suddenly "invented" a reason I need to be away -- taking 1-2 days vacation time and paying for it myself. And before anyone asks -- NO I'm not seeing anyone or having an affair or hooking up on these trips; usually I don't even talk to anyone unless it's like a waiter or hotel check in clerk. Last time I did this, I "had to" travel the week before Christmas and I went to NYC for 2 nights, walked around the city, took in the sights etc. And now it's ONLY been 4 months and I'm kind of looking into booking another 1-2 night getaway. It's just a chance to get away from the routine of work, DH and toddler kids.
I don't pick exotic places -- either NYC (which is common for my work) or some middle market city that I've gone to previously for work that I liked, so I'm ok hanging there for a few days; usually book a nice hotel and just kind of decompress. DH doesn't take care of the finances so it's not like he questions the flight/hotels and if he were to it's easy to say -- oh I put it on our CC for the points but don't worry I've submitted for reimbursement so it'll be in my next paycheck; he isn't following up by checking my paycheck so he has no idea why $500-1000 got spent. Hung out with a bunch of other moms tonight who were going on about how much they HATE to travel when they have to do it once/yr that they try to get out of it. Meanwhile I'm thinking - am I the ONLY woman who feels this way!? I know dudes who are quick to jump on work trips bc they honestly don't mind being away from their wife/family for a bit and I guess I agree with them. Anyone else?? |
Anonymous
| Just tell him. He'll probably support you, as lnog as you let him go on similar trips. |
Anonymous
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So I don't explicitly plan separate trips that I deem business trips, but in the 10 years we've been married and 8 in which we've had kids -- I DEFINITELY have gone to 3 conferences that I didn't have to go to at all. As in I was the one who asked my bosses if the co. would fund me going -- I wasn't being sent by the co. And I've picked ones in "vacation" type places like Vegas, Palm Springs -- it'll be a 3 day conference, I show up, attend the opening networking HH and get some cards and then attending maybe 2 hrs of programming on day 2 and the rest of day 2 and all of day 3, I will go explore, hang out in my room, at the spa etc.
In my marriage though it wouldn't fly if $500 or $1000 was disappearing here or there as we both keep track of money. |
Anonymous
I haven't known any moms/women who did this -- or if they did they were so senior and so subtle about it that I wouldn't have known because I'd 100% believe it was a business trip. I'm not sure I know any guys like this in my peer group (ages 30-40) either, BUT I definitely know guys in my dad's generation who did this. He used to do a weekly poker night at home and when I got to be old enough to understand what they were talking about when I walked by -- I definitely remembered a few instances of guys bragging about "well I HAVE to go to that sales convention in Miami, as far as Midge knows [wink wink]." But I think that was also a generation of less hands on parenting so guys thought their being away was NBD because feeding/clothing/bathing the kids was not what they were doing when they got home from work anyway. |
Anonymous
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Not something I'd do because I wouldn't want my DH traveling and lying about it.
I can't fault you -- I remember the getaways from my single biglaw days. Once I got senior I'd definitely take 4-6 days/year where I was "traveling." This was pre recession so we were so busy at my ridiculously big former firm that every partner assumed I was traveling for some other case and left me alone assuming I was in depositions or something all day. I'd fly off -- often to DC bc it's so close to NYC that I knew I could get back fast or go to my firm's DC office if all hell broke lose -- get 2-3 nights at the Ritz and just re charge. But in that case I wasn't lying to a DH or kids -- I was single and just being vague with my employer. |
Anonymous
| I feel you OP. I think it's totally okay although you might have to come clean about it if you eventually get found out by DH. Does he know any of your coworkers? |
Anonymous
| I think the thing you need to think about is why you feel you need to lie about it. Going away for a few days to decompress is normal. Lying to a spouse is not. |
Anonymous
It's obvious she doesn't want to hurt his feelings. C'mon, she's going away knowing that DH is going to deal with the kids. If DH knows, he's definitely going to feel resentful. |
Anonymous
| Do you book it all thru corporate travel but using personal CCs? In my home, I know DH would stumble upon an Expedia conformation and wonder what kind of trip it was booked so casually. Plus like PP said $500 or $1000 spent in my home gets noticed. |
Anonymous
Maybe DH wouldn’t be ok with her going away alone at all or maybe he wouldn’t be okay with it FOUR times a year? Isn’t that kind of a lot? |
Anonymous
| This sounds crazy to me. I don't think I've ever lied to my husband. |
Anonymous
| To each their own but OP if you intend to keep doing this I wouldn’t tell anyone for the sake of your kids. Not a coworker, not your BFF. Things have a way of getting around and while it doesn’t matter to your 3 year old now, imagine how that kid feels at age 10 if he/she realizes — mom doesn’t travel because her job makes her, she goes away for a week every few months because she’d rather not be with us and dad at home . . . . |
Anonymous
Totally agree about not sharing with anyone (except on DCUM  ) Family members aren't going to be sympathetic. All the more, because OP is a woman it would be more shocking. If the DH had written this, we'd be like "OF course you want to get away."
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Anonymous
| Feeling that way is normal. Lying about it is not, and I think really bad. I would be incredibly angry if DH did that--,,lying not trusting me to give him the freedom and space in a mutually agreed upon time, way. |
Anonymous
| No. But I’ve had it at home before—and told him I’m going to a hotel for the weekend to decompress. I needed silence, the ability to sleep in without interruption. He told me we could t afford it. He had just been fired. I told him I couldn’t afford not to go. And I went. Great for me. I also go to a girlfriends for the weekend. A bit different. Have not made up trips. |