Ever lie to your spouse/family re business trips?

[Anonymous]

Wait - so you lie to your spouse so you can get away from him and the kids? You all can't be that close to begin with if you use personal money for this sometimes and he hasn't caught on but damn, I'm glad I don't have your relationship or that of others here who see nothing off about what you're doing. If I wanted to get away for a couple of days I'd just tell my husband and we'd work it out, same if he wanted to. And can you imagine if a DH came on here and said he was doing this?

I don't understand why people are in these duplicitous, immature, vaguely emotionally aggressive relationships at all. Just get a divorce and let the other partner go be with someone who's honest and actually wants to be there. Same goes for you. Go be happy instead of all this sneaking around and game playing. Jaysus.

[Anonymous]

FWIW OP, I think you're fine - deception and all. Enjoy your trips.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:there is nothing wrong with needing breaks, but the deceit is not cool. I'm going on an optional trip tomorrow. Husband knows manager didn't hold a gun to my head but also that it's good for my career progression (in your case, your husband should know it's good for your sanity). If you continue to lie, you risk the stress you have now at home getting worse. If you find a way to discuss it, you create an opportunity to come up with a way for you to decompress without sneaking around.

Are you allowed to take half or even full days for yourself during the weekend when you are in town?

I'm the guy who takes his spouse to Vegas, Miami, and London on trips (above). I very rarely get involved with my wife in the negotiation of how important a trip is. I make a decision based on what we have going on at home, and how important it is for my job, then inform my spouse I need to travel. If she indicates there is a schedule conflict, I will first look at the timing of the trip (shortening it, moving it up or back). Only if there is a major issue will I ever not go on an optional trip, or say I really have to go if it is a mandatory trip.

Without getting into details, I support her career 10x over what she supports mine (location, childcare drop off and pick up), so I think it's important to prioritize my business travel and not treat every trip as a negotiation over whether I really have to go and whether it is ideal timing for her. Let's face it, it's never ideal timing for your spouse to go to Dubai for a week when you have two small kids.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Wait - so you lie to your spouse so you can get away from him and the kids? You all can't be that close to begin with if you use personal money for this sometimes and he hasn't caught on but damn, I'm glad I don't have your relationship or that of others here who see nothing off about what you're doing. If I wanted to get away for a couple of days I'd just tell my husband and we'd work it out, same if he wanted to. And can you imagine if a DH came on here and said he was doing this?

I don't understand why people are in these duplicitous, immature, vaguely emotionally aggressive relationships at all. Just get a divorce and let the other partner go be with someone who's honest and actually wants to be there. Same goes for you. Go be happy instead of all this sneaking around and game playing. Jaysus.

That seems a little dramatic. Maybe just stop lying.

[Anonymous]

Wanting the break, yes very common. Adding days on after something ends and not being honest that these are optional days, not cool. When my DH travels for work, it puts a lot more stress on our logistics. I have to negotiate rides for the kids to activities , take time off from work where I may be leaving early in order to pick up the kids on time and/or get reinforcements in the form of grandparents. If he was adding days here and there constantly and pretending it was required and volunteering for trips he didn’t need to go on but telling me he did I would be pissed.

I get burned out sometimes and will just take a day off from work here and there. I’m honest about it and I can get some extra downtime without adding more work to him. Or plan it for a time when we don’t have a lot going on or far enough ahead that he can shift things around like a girls weekend or an alumni weekend at school. I think lying about it means you are trying to avoid conflict by not being honest. Whatever is the underlying issue is still there and you don’t have a chance to improve it because you aren’t being hones. It’s also unfair to the other person because you are thinking just about yourself, not how to be fair to both of you.

[Anonymous]

I don't have a perfect marriage, but I consider any lie to my spouse wrong. If my spouse lied about something like this, I would be incredibly upset. I don't think there's anything wrong with traveling alone- just be honest about it.

[Anonymous]

OP, what you do goes way too far. I wouldn't have a huge issue if - rather than taking a very late flight back - you said you had to stay over an extra night to get work done, but what you describe is a whole different beast.

[Anonymous]

I only extended trips while married with DW's blessing; I was in a city a few hundred miles from my sister (and on the other coast), so I visited my sister for a weekend.

But, I used to have trips to Hawaii and Austria where I would need 10 days at work. I made it so I had a free weekend at the destination, rather than making two trips. But, at 20 hrs on a plane round trip, it made sense.

[Anonymous]

If I found out my husband was doing this, I would consider divorce. Because of the lies and deception. It would be nice but deal if he told me he was going to do this.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:If I found out my husband was doing this, I would consider divorce. Because of the lies and deception. It would be nice but deal if he told me he was going to do this.

This should say no big deal.

[Anonymous]

I understand your inclination to be dishonest OP- some pearl clutchers and "what about the children?!" people make it sound like any woman who wants some time away a few times a year is a monster, so you feel like something is wrong with you for wanting this. Nothing is wrong with you! You just need to have more confidence in your needs and be honest about them.

Like other posters said, if I found out my spouse was doing this I would assume they were having an affair. Why put yourself in a position to look so suspicious? You don't need to come clean about the past but moving forward, I'd recommend just telling your DH what you are doing and why. Hopefully you've married a decent guy who won't try to guilt you about what you need.

[Anonymous]

Wow!!!
Why lie, hide and deceive if you’re not doing anything wrong?
Do you lie all the time?

[Anonymous]

No, this isn't cool. Lying to your spouse isn't right. And I'm sure a self-centered person like you would flip out if you found out your spouse was doing the same thing.

Having said that, I totally get the need to travel, have fun and relax. I travel for legit business 4-6 times a year, but I minimize my time away unless it's someplace awesome (think: London) and/or a friend is tagging along for fun. But I always clear it with my husband (and he's always cool with it).

Another option is to simply plan more vacations throughout the year as a family. We travel at least a handful of times throughout the year.

[Anonymous]

Agree with PP that if I found out, I would assume you were having an affair and I’d separate/divorce. If you lie about the purpose of the trip, how can I believe you aren’t cheating? This is one of those things that will break trust forever.

[Anonymous]

Tell your DH, OP. MIL lived with FIL for years who used to do this, FIL was away 80% of the time because MIL was just so difficult to be around. Based on the high level of MIL's bitterness (and other factors), I would say she very well knew of FIL's "elective trips". You don't want DH to resent you, so tell him.