Ever lie to your spouse/family re business trips?

[Anonymous]

Imagine if a DH did this!!!! Just imagine the DCUM backlash!!!

[Anonymous]

I don’t think what you are doing is wrong and actually think it’s great that you can take mini-breaks so easily.

The lying about it part is completely troublesome and you should figure out how to come clean. Your DH may feel angry and jealous at first...I would be. So be prepared to accommodate his desire for a break.

[Anonymous]

My husband is on a personal extension of a business trip right now. It’s fine w me because I understand the need for time to oneself away from home and the kids, and bc I also travel w friends and sometimes by myself.

BUT If he lied about it that would probably be the end of our marriage.

[Anonymous]

Well now I know why my husband loses his shot at me every time I go on a legit business trip.

Seriously, knock it off OP. Tell your husband you need a getaway weekend, and agree on frequently, length, and budget (and then give him reciprocity).

[Anonymous]

Hell f*cking no. Breaks? Sure. Lying? No way. I’d be infuriated if it were done to me and no way would I disrespect my husband by doing it to him.

[Anonymous]

I travel nearly every week for 6 months out of the year. I definitely stay an extra day or fly a day early sometimes. I have also done the same thing in those 6 months when I don’t travel and just spent 2 nights in NYC, Minneapolis, Chicago - cities I frequent for work.

[Anonymous]

My husbands occasionally attends trainings/conferences that he doesn't HAVE to and I know he seems them as a break, even though it makes my home life a bit harder. There is no travel for my job. Once every few years I go away for a few days. Lying isn't a great option.

[Anonymous]

I think it is totally normal to add on a day or two here and there to a work trip. I do, my DH does, any time we are going somewhere cool or if we have friends there and want to hang out. I also regularly add on a day when going to one city where I see a specialty physician. I make an appointment the day before or after my meetings.

But I never have to lie about it. That is what is weird about your story. My DH has a conference in Rome and I encouraged him to stay extra days....and he does for me too when I am somewhere nice. And sometimes a grandparent watches the kids and we both go!

The secrecy would not fly around here.

[Anonymous]

I travel sporadically for work and both my husband and I acknowledge that these are nice breaks for me. I'm the super default parent so it's literally the only time I don't have to cook and shop for every meal and do all the laundry etc. (I do a ton of prep and post-trip clean up of course.) So a business trip feels like a spa vacation much of the time!

Like the PPs we're totally open about this. My husband doesn't love it when I travel, but he always encourages me to take advantage of it and enjoy the opportunity as much as possible. I do the same for him, but he travels less frequently (by choice.) I turn down more chances to travel than I accept, for work and for family reasons, and I'm not sure if he'd be so encouraging if this was a weekly occurrence.

[Anonymous]

The secrecy/lying about it would be a no-no for me. Also, if DH ever does find out, I’m betting that he’s going to assume that you’re having an affair. That’s what I would assume if I were him, and it would be pretty difficult to convince me otherwise.

[Anonymous]

OP, I think you get the point here. Totally normal to want a break a few times a year. Totally NOT normal to lie about it. I don’t know anyone that did.

DH travels out of the country one week every 5 weeks (more or less). I hate it and he knows it because it usually includes weekends. If I found out that he made up these trips (and he totally could since he pays all credit cards), there would be serious consequences.
I am like your friends and would hate to be away from my kids (unless I know they are on vacation with grandparents and much happier than they would be with me in DC)

[Anonymous]

Do you lie to him about other things?

[Anonymous]

Yeah, OP, I think you're getting a pretty unified opinion. Most people are cool with what you're doing, but not the deception. Personally, I see it as an ultra-slippery slope. I think...

- You're enjoying the "me-time", but also getting off a little on the deception.

- If I were your husband, and I found out, I would immediately assume you were cheating on me. It would be hard to convince me otherwise, even if you truly weren't.

- Eventually, if you continue, this is going to go one of two ways. Either you'll get bored, your kids will get older, circumstances will change, and it just stops naturally. OR, you tire of what you are doing currently, and amp-up the risk seeking behavior and deception, perhaps with someone you meet on one of the trips. You're already deceiving your spouse, what's the harm in having dinner with someone you meet at one of these conferences?

Personally, I'm a guy who travels frequently for work. My primary travel is short trips to large US population centers (NYC, Miami, Las Vegas, etc), and I do a couple of week long international trips a year (Europe, Middle East, Asia). Some trips are internal business, some are client travel, some are conferences.

I love traveling, especially conferences and client travel, because I'm generally flying up front, staying in luxury hotels, and getting a lot of perks (fancy client dinners, concerts, sporting events, skiing, etc.). It's definitely a massive perk of the job. Wherever possible I invite my wife, and sometimes young daughter, to join me for part of the trip. At least 2-3x a year I'm able to incorporate my wife into a trip.

When she's not with me, though, I still add time to enjoy wherever I am (similar to what you're doing). I very occasionally get pushback, but 90% of the time it's not an issue. My spouse knows I have a difficult job and I should enjoy the perks when I can. I'm not going to fly all the way to Hong Kong and spend the whole trip working and never get to sightsee or shop.

I would never create a "fake" business trip, but I do travel often when I don't technically have to (ie. most of my travel is not strictly mandatory. It's the right thing to do for my job and me personally, though.).

I say stop what you're doing, and going forward tell your husband you're adding on a personal day to your trips to enjoy yourself / relax. If he loves you, he'll probably feel good you're enjoying yourself. My wife has traveled extensively for her job, and I enjoy looking at the pictures of all the personal stuff she did and hearing her stories. This can be a good thing for your relationship.

[Anonymous]

there is nothing wrong with needing breaks, but the deceit is not cool. I'm going on an optional trip tomorrow. Husband knows manager didn't hold a gun to my head but also that it's good for my career progression (in your case, your husband should know it's good for your sanity). If you continue to lie, you risk the stress you have now at home getting worse. If you find a way to discuss it, you create an opportunity to come up with a way for you to decompress without sneaking around.

Are you allowed to take half or even full days for yourself during the weekend when you are in town?

[Anonymous]

Would you be OK with your DH doing this?

If DH finds out I bet he will suspect an affair. The deception is the real issue.