Mil wants to be called Mama X

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:My MIL is MomMom. I hate it. I’m not from the east coast so this weird to me but I also have the last of the 11 grandchildren so I don’t really get a choice. I know what you mean OP. It took us 6 years to get our kids so I am very protective of the Mama title. It’s the only thing I ever wanted. I would not share it. I can overlook the other boundary stomps but I wouldn’t be down with this. I think it really depends on a person’s MIL. Mine is so overbearing that it is completely suffocating. Everything feels like a competition with her. I ignore and praise Jesus we don’t live near her.

I wonder if you would feel the same way about your own DIL. Imagine your daughter in law thanking Jesus she lives nowhere near you. So sad.

[Anonymous]

Mama X and Big Mama are very common grandmother names. I don't see how Mama and Mama June are the same at all; babies will figure out very quickly who's who. And you may have a funny baby like mine who gives the grandmother a brand new name and managed to get all 5 older grandkids and the whole generation of siblings and spouses to use it.

Like others, it's unthinkable to me to wage war within the family over something so trivial. OP sounds deeply insecure and a little bit crazy.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP:

Just to chime in, you will find life is long. I've finished raising my brood, and if I had to go back in time, I would be less reactive to things like this. As long as you don't feel your MIL is deliberately trying to undermine you, let her be called Mama X (I didn't read the whole thread, but was her grandma called Mama X too? That makes a difference).

The other thing is -- it is hard to think of this right now -- this baby really is not just yours. It is a person who will have his/her own relationships. And you will be thankful for all the people who love your child and are part of his/her loving community. So let your MIL love your child and be called what she wants to be called.

Just my two cents,

Older and wiser

You know what, it's absolutely possible to let a MIL love her grandchild and still set boundaries on ridiculous behavior and safety issues. I speak from experience here. In fact, I don't think the relationship I enjoy with my MIL today would be as good if we hadn't spoken up about some things.

In fact, PP, you're getting to the age of grandparenthood, it sounds like, so consider that your advice might be coming from your own feelings about that, rather than just hindsight.

The name situation doesn't even come anywhere close to a safety issue, which is why it's petty and OP WILL regret making this a big deal and will look like a controlling biotch over it.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:If you are going to butt heads with her and go down fighting, tooth and nail over every little thing....you are going to have a long and rocky road ahead of you.

People who have a genuine desire to get along and forge lasting relationships with other people, choose their battles more wisely.

And to many, this would be a big battle to chose. Flipping it around, grandmothers who have a genuine desire to get along with and forge lasting relationships with new mothers will immediately understand and be respectful when the mother says she prefers that nobody else be called "Mama."

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Team OP here. MIL’s wishes aren’t more important than OP’s. If the name “mama” is special to OP and she doesn’t want to share it, then MIL has to give up her unusual desired name and pick something else. OP can do this gently and with humor, or have her DH do it, or do it casually together with DH. But OP isn’t being petty and she doesn’t have to share her special name. On this one, her wishes take priority. And MIL needs to be aware of boundaries.

No one said that MIL's wishes are more important than OP's. But, make no mistake, OP is being petty.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:If you are going to butt heads with her and go down fighting, tooth and nail over every little thing....you are going to have a long and rocky road ahead of you.

People who have a genuine desire to get along and forge lasting relationships with other people, choose their battles more wisely.

And to many, this would be a big battle to chose. Flipping it around, grandmothers who have a genuine desire to get along with and forge lasting relationships with new mothers will immediately understand and be respectful when the mother says she prefers that nobody else be called "Mama."

Yes, hopefully, even though her request isn't "ridiculous," MIL will realize how threatened the OP over it is and choose another name for the sake of family peace. Plus, given the pettiness, MIL probably better back off so she even has access to her grandchild.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Team OP here. MIL’s wishes aren’t more important than OP’s. If the name “mama” is special to OP and she doesn’t want to share it, then MIL has to give up her unusual desired name and pick something else. OP can do this gently and with humor, or have her DH do it, or do it casually together with DH. But OP isn’t being petty and she doesn’t have to share her special name. On this one, her wishes take priority. And MIL needs to be aware of boundaries.

No one said that MIL's wishes are more important than OP's. But, make no mistake, OP is being petty.

No way. Mama is a very honorary thing for a new mom to be called. I cried the first time DD called me mama. It's not petty to only want to be called that yourself.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP:

Just to chime in, you will find life is long. I've finished raising my brood, and if I had to go back in time, I would be less reactive to things like this. As long as you don't feel your MIL is deliberately trying to undermine you, let her be called Mama X (I didn't read the whole thread, but was her grandma called Mama X too? That makes a difference).

The other thing is -- it is hard to think of this right now -- this baby really is not just yours. It is a person who will have his/her own relationships. And you will be thankful for all the people who love your child and are part of his/her loving community. So let your MIL love your child and be called what she wants to be called.

Just my two cents,

Older and wiser

You know what, it's absolutely possible to let a MIL love her grandchild and still set boundaries on ridiculous behavior and safety issues. I speak from experience here. In fact, I don't think the relationship I enjoy with my MIL today would be as good if we hadn't spoken up about some things.

In fact, PP, you're getting to the age of grandparenthood, it sounds like, so consider that your advice might be coming from your own feelings about that, rather than just hindsight.

The name situation doesn't even come anywhere close to a safety issue, which is why it's petty and OP WILL regret making this a big deal and will look like a controlling biotch over it.

Let me explain to you. The kind of grandmother who would dictate that she be called "Mama" and then put up a big fuss if the real Mama says no, is also the kind of grandmother who will put the baby to sleep on its stomach, put a blanket in the crib with the newborn because she feels "cold," harass the mom about breastfeeding too much/not breastfeeding, give continuous "advice" to a post-partum mother ... and so on.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:If you are going to butt heads with her and go down fighting, tooth and nail over every little thing....you are going to have a long and rocky road ahead of you.

People who have a genuine desire to get along and forge lasting relationships with other people, choose their battles more wisely.

And to many, this would be a big battle to chose. Flipping it around, grandmothers who have a genuine desire to get along with and forge lasting relationships with new mothers will immediately understand and be respectful when the mother says she prefers that nobody else be called "Mama."

You don't get to choose the names others are called. Think of every other relationship in your life. And you tell THEM what to call YOU. You don't ask someone else to determine what they call you. Moms don't supersede everyone else in the world. Her daughter will resent her for being so controlling.

[Anonymous]

OP, let your MIL be called mama, and you can be Nurse X.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:If you are going to butt heads with her and go down fighting, tooth and nail over every little thing....you are going to have a long and rocky road ahead of you.

People who have a genuine desire to get along and forge lasting relationships with other people, choose their battles more wisely.

And to many, this would be a big battle to chose. Flipping it around, grandmothers who have a genuine desire to get along with and forge lasting relationships with new mothers will immediately understand and be respectful when the mother says she prefers that nobody else be called "Mama."

You don't get to choose the names others are called. Think of every other relationship in your life. And you tell THEM what to call YOU. You don't ask someone else to determine what they call you. Moms don't supersede everyone else in the world. Her daughter will resent her for being so controlling.

A grandmother insisting on being called "Mama" and not backing down is quite clearly engaged in a big show of control herself. Plus, new mothers actually do supersede everyone else IMO. The fastest way to wreck an inlaw relationship is for an overbearing MIL to make the immediate post-partum period miserable with controlling/disrespectful behavior.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP:

Just to chime in, you will find life is long. I've finished raising my brood, and if I had to go back in time, I would be less reactive to things like this. As long as you don't feel your MIL is deliberately trying to undermine you, let her be called Mama X (I didn't read the whole thread, but was her grandma called Mama X too? That makes a difference).

The other thing is -- it is hard to think of this right now -- this baby really is not just yours. It is a person who will have his/her own relationships. And you will be thankful for all the people who love your child and are part of his/her loving community. So let your MIL love your child and be called what she wants to be called.

Just my two cents,

Older and wiser

You know what, it's absolutely possible to let a MIL love her grandchild and still set boundaries on ridiculous behavior and safety issues. I speak from experience here. In fact, I don't think the relationship I enjoy with my MIL today would be as good if we hadn't spoken up about some things.

In fact, PP, you're getting to the age of grandparenthood, it sounds like, so consider that your advice might be coming from your own feelings about that, rather than just hindsight.

The name situation doesn't even come anywhere close to a safety issue, which is why it's petty and OP WILL regret making this a big deal and will look like a controlling biotch over it.

Let me explain to you. The kind of grandmother who would dictate that she be called "Mama" and then put up a big fuss if the real Mama says no, is also the kind of grandmother who will put the baby to sleep on its stomach, put a blanket in the crib with the newborn because she feels "cold," harass the mom about breastfeeding too much/not breastfeeding, give continuous "advice" to a post-partum mother ... and so on.

I don't need you to explain anything to me. First off, MIL is not asking for the baby to call her ONLY Mama. Secondly, you're painting with a very broad brush assuming that because someone asked to be called a specific name as a grandmother that she'd also disregard safety measures. That's ridiculous.

[Anonymous]

Op, I’d let it go. T

[Anonymous]

Looks like lots of people here are ASSUMING that the MIL is horrible based on this one request. OP hasn't given us reason to believe that MIL is the kind of horrible MIL some have assumed she is.

So, OP, set the record straight. Is this request a one-off that you're just annoyed about? Or is MIL a monster?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Looks like lots of people here are ASSUMING that the MIL is horrible based on this one request. OP hasn't given us reason to believe that MIL is the kind of horrible MIL some have assumed she is.

So, OP, set the record straight. Is this request a one-off that you're just annoyed about? Or is MIL a monster?

Not OP. Go back and read the OP's initial post. This is just one in a long line of oversteps.
I would refer to her as Grandmama X to the baby, and let the baby decide when they eventually decide to talk.