Mil wants to be called Mama X

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP:

Just to chime in, you will find life is long. I've finished raising my brood, and if I had to go back in time, I would be less reactive to things like this. As long as you don't feel your MIL is deliberately trying to undermine you, let her be called Mama X (I didn't read the whole thread, but was her grandma called Mama X too? That makes a difference).

The other thing is -- it is hard to think of this right now -- this baby really is not just yours. It is a person who will have his/her own relationships. And you will be thankful for all the people who love your child and are part of his/her loving community. So let your MIL love your child and be called what she wants to be called.

Just my two cents,

Older and wiser

You know what, it's absolutely possible to let a MIL love her grandchild and still set boundaries on ridiculous behavior and safety issues. I speak from experience here. In fact, I don't think the relationship I enjoy with my MIL today would be as good if we hadn't spoken up about some things.

In fact, PP, you're getting to the age of grandparenthood, it sounds like, so consider that your advice might be coming from your own feelings about that, rather than just hindsight.

[Anonymous]

Team OP here. MIL’s wishes aren’t more important than OP’s. If the name “mama” is special to OP and she doesn’t want to share it, then MIL has to give up her unusual desired name and pick something else. OP can do this gently and with humor, or have her DH do it, or do it casually together with DH. But OP isn’t being petty and she doesn’t have to share her special name. On this one, her wishes take priority. And MIL needs to be aware of boundaries.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Oy. She sounds really annoying.

I would push back a little more on the absurd stuff—“what an absurd suggestion” etc.”

As for the name thing, teach your child from day one that “this is grandma! This is your grandma First name, she loves you so much!” etc. Just don’t play along, and make it clear to your DH that this matters to you—and that his mom is hurting your relationship with you by being so ridiculous. Remind him that she is using up your goodwill before the baby is even here.

On the flip side, OP will be using up her "outrage" on something trivial. Let the pissing match begin.

The bottom line is that a mom who's confident in her role as mom WILL NOT care about this.

This has nothing to do with confidence and everything to do with a clueless and overbearing MIL. My MIL told similar jokes and I was NOT pleased. It wnded up with strict limits being placed on her visits when the baby was a newborn because her boundary-crossing comments 1) aggravated at a time I did not need it; and 2) indicated that she would cross boundaries in other ways (ie not respecting our safety/parenting choices, like sleeo safety.)

This MIL needs to learn sooner rather than later that OP has limits. That will set them up for a good relationship where MIL knows her place ... as grandma, not mama.

Someday you will have a DIL...

And it sounds like the PPs with difficult MILs will actually know how to be respectful to their DILs!

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Oy. She sounds really annoying.

I would push back a little more on the absurd stuff—“what an absurd suggestion” etc.”

As for the name thing, teach your child from day one that “this is grandma! This is your grandma First name, she loves you so much!” etc. Just don’t play along, and make it clear to your DH that this matters to you—and that his mom is hurting your relationship with you by being so ridiculous. Remind him that she is using up your goodwill before the baby is even here.

On the flip side, OP will be using up her "outrage" on something trivial. Let the pissing match begin.

The bottom line is that a mom who's confident in her role as mom WILL NOT care about this.

This has nothing to do with confidence and everything to do with a clueless and overbearing MIL. My MIL told similar jokes and I was NOT pleased. It wnded up with strict limits being placed on her visits when the baby was a newborn because her boundary-crossing comments 1) aggravated at a time I did not need it; and 2) indicated that she would cross boundaries in other ways (ie not respecting our safety/parenting choices, like sleeo safety.)

This MIL needs to learn sooner rather than later that OP has limits. That will set them up for a good relationship where MIL knows her place ... as grandma, not mama.

Someday you will have a DIL...

And it sounds like the PPs with difficult MILs will actually know how to be respectful to their DILs!

Not everyone will have a DIL. Luckily I have daughters.

My 2 year old can't say Mom or Mommy and still calls me Mama. It would be hurtful if MIL and I were both Mama. She had her chance to be a Mama when she had kids.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP:

Just to chime in, you will find life is long. I've finished raising my brood, and if I had to go back in time, I would be less reactive to things like this. As long as you don't feel your MIL is deliberately trying to undermine you, let her be called Mama X (I didn't read the whole thread, but was her grandma called Mama X too? That makes a difference).

The other thing is -- it is hard to think of this right now -- this baby really is not just yours. It is a person who will have his/her own relationships. And you will be thankful for all the people who love your child and are part of his/her loving community. So let your MIL love your child and be called what she wants to be called.

Just my two cents,

Older and wiser

You know what, it's absolutely possible to let a MIL love her grandchild and still set boundaries on ridiculous behavior and safety issues. I speak from experience here. In fact, I don't think the relationship I enjoy with my MIL today would be as good if we hadn't spoken up about some things.

In fact, PP, you're getting to the age of grandparenthood, it sounds like, so consider that your advice might be coming from your own feelings about that, rather than just hindsight.

Just to chime back in -- actually my feelings come from having divorced VERY EARLY after having my kids and having battles all the time with my ex. So I totally get the feeling of being undermined (I was) and needing to set boundaries (I did). But I would still want to go back in time and reassess things. If you imagine things are being done out of love, you end up having less anxiety. And it's probably better for the kid at the end of the day.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Team OP here. MIL’s wishes aren’t more important than OP’s. If the name “mama” is special to OP and she doesn’t want to share it, then MIL has to give up her unusual desired name and pick something else. OP can do this gently and with humor, or have her DH do it, or do it casually together with DH. But OP isn’t being petty and she doesn’t have to share her special name. On this one, her wishes take priority. And MIL needs to be aware of boundaries.

If OP wants to be called "mama" then yes, this is not appropriate for Grandmother.

But if OP is going to be Mommy or Mom, then let Grandma have it.

My MIL also does the 'can't they come stay with us.'

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Team OP here. MIL’s wishes aren’t more important than OP’s. If the name “mama” is special to OP and she doesn’t want to share it, then MIL has to give up her unusual desired name and pick something else. OP can do this gently and with humor, or have her DH do it, or do it casually together with DH. But OP isn’t being petty and she doesn’t have to share her special name. On this one, her wishes take priority. And MIL needs to be aware of boundaries.

I agree, and I'm generally pretty laid-back about stuff like this.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP:

Just to chime in, you will find life is long. I've finished raising my brood, and if I had to go back in time, I would be less reactive to things like this. As long as you don't feel your MIL is deliberately trying to undermine you, let her be called Mama X (I didn't read the whole thread, but was her grandma called Mama X too? That makes a difference).

The other thing is -- it is hard to think of this right now -- this baby really is not just yours. It is a person who will have his/her own relationships. And you will be thankful for all the people who love your child and are part of his/her loving community. So let your MIL love your child and be called what she wants to be called.

Just my two cents,

Older and wiser

Would you also give the same advice to the MIL who presumably is also older and wiser? I'm just wondering why only the DIL gets the advice to let things go and let the MIL get what she wants.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP:

Just to chime in, you will find life is long. I've finished raising my brood, and if I had to go back in time, I would be less reactive to things like this. As long as you don't feel your MIL is deliberately trying to undermine you, let her be called Mama X (I didn't read the whole thread, but was her grandma called Mama X too? That makes a difference).

The other thing is -- it is hard to think of this right now -- this baby really is not just yours. It is a person who will have his/her own relationships. And you will be thankful for all the people who love your child and are part of his/her loving community. So let your MIL love your child and be called what she wants to be called.

Just my two cents,

Older and wiser

Would you also give the same advice to the MIL who presumably is also older and wiser? I'm just wondering why only the DIL gets the advice to let things go and let the MIL get what she wants.

Absolutely. And I don't think the MIL should get everything. I am offering another perspective. I have kids in college now, and it is interesting to hear them have a different perspective on things I thought were black and white. Honestly, my kids have no patience whatsoever with my perceptions of boundaries.

I guess I look at it this way: Would the world look in horror at a kid calling his grandmother Mama X? No? Then it is probably not outrageous.

And my kids did call their grandmother Mamamama. Which is very common in Spanish speaking countries.

[Anonymous]

The fact that you want to refer to her by her initials is incredibly cold and rude.

Obviously you don't like this woman and her goalie to drive a wedge between your husband and her and then get mad he won't back you up.

At least use her name if you can't bring yourself to use any of the many many names that people use for grandmother.i am sure she realized your child is hers. I would say about 99% of grandparents have joked about taking / stealing the baby. It sounds like you see your daughter as a possession you own rather than as a member of a family. Family includes parents. Your husband is to his mother what your daughter is to you.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:If you are going to butt heads with her and go down fighting, tooth and nail over every little thing....you are going to have a long and rocky road ahead of you.

People who have a genuine desire to get along and forge lasting relationships with other people, choose their battles more wisely.

Yes, this; Jesus you are in for a rough ride if you are this bent out of shape about this stupid and petty shit.

-- mother of 3

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Hell no. Nor would I allow Papa for a Grandpa for the same reason, though that is much more common. Mama is for the mother not grandmother, whether your child calls you Mama or Mom or Mommy or whatever. But that's ridiculous that she would expect to be called Mama even with her name added.

Papa is not a name for dad. It is a name for grandpa.

Milkenials who want to age themselves with unkempt beards apparently also want to age themselves by using a grandpa name instead of calling themselves dad or daddy.

Not it isn't. You need to get out more, or learn a few languages.

In this country papa (shortened version of grandPA) is a nickname for grandpa.

It is not a name used for dad or father until Ashton Kutcher started the trend with millenials.

You really are nuts. It is predominantly a name for a father. Just like "ma ma" is one of the first sounds a baby can make, "da da" or "pa pa" are also some of the earliest sounds a baby can make so both daddy an papa are common names for a father.

Even wikipedia says "Papa is a word used in many languages as an affectionate term for father (or less frequently, grandfather)." English is one of those languages.

Papa is used in song lyrics to mean father:
Papa by Paul Anka
Papa Don't Preach by Madonna
Papa Can You Hear Me? by Barbara Streisand
Papa Loved Mama by Garth Brooks
Papa Was a Rollin' Stone by the Temptations

Papa is used significantly more for a father than a grandfather. You may be confusing it with Pop-Pop which is more often used as a name for a grandfather.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP here

Thanks for the replies. I know it's not the the most rational thing but it does bother me and I can see myself getting resentful towards her for it. She already has joked to take the kids from us at various points. Since we got married she would say things like, they can just live with me and they would probably be happier living with me than in a tiny big city apt, she asked if she could homeschool our kids and they can just live with her m-f. I've played nice. A lot. I'm just tired of always feeling like she is undermining me and crossing boundaries. It starts with mama X and then she will start using mama flat out.

My plan right now is just to refer to her as her initials to the kids.

I would recommend you learn to pick your battles. You are going to find differences in child-rearing with your mother, your MIL, your husband. You are going to have differences in opinion with your child. You have to learn to pick your battles and figure out which things are worth fighting over and which things to just let go. When I have situations like this, I think in my mind, is this something that I'm willing to make a concession on something else to insist on? If it is, then I'll take a stand. If it isn't then I won't. It's not that I will have to make a concession for it, but weighing in my mind helps me determine which things are worth fighting for, or as others like to say, is it a hill worth dying on?

Only you can determine whether it is so important that it is worth possibly causing friction over or insisting on. My personal opinion is that I would give her "Mama Larla" and insist that she stop talking about them living with her, trying to get her to home-school them, or otherwise taking your children away from you. I would say that while I want them to love their grandmother and bond with her, they are your children and they will live with you and visit her.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

You really are nuts. It is predominantly a name for a father. Just like "ma ma" is one of the first sounds a baby can make, "da da" or "pa pa" are also some of the earliest sounds a baby can make so both daddy an papa are common names for a father.

Even wikipedia says "Papa is a word used in many languages as an affectionate term for father (or less frequently, grandfather)." English is one of those languages.

Papa is used in song lyrics to mean father:
Papa by Paul Anka
Papa Don't Preach by Madonna
Papa Can You Hear Me? by Barbara Streisand
Papa Loved Mama by Garth Brooks
Papa Was a Rollin' Stone by the Temptations

Papa is used significantly more for a father than a grandfather. You may be confusing it with Pop-Pop which is more often used as a name for a grandfather.

Fast forward 20 years. Your kids are going to talk about how high strung you have always been and how you make mountains out of molehills. And they're going to start calling you by your first name just to get under your skin. Chill.

[Anonymous]

My MIL is MomMom. I hate it. I’m not from the east coast so this weird to me but I also have the last of the 11 grandchildren so I don’t really get a choice. I know what you mean OP. It took us 6 years to get our kids so I am very protective of the Mama title. It’s the only thing I ever wanted. I would not share it. I can overlook the other boundary stomps but I wouldn’t be down with this. I think it really depends on a person’s MIL. Mine is so overbearing that it is completely suffocating. Everything feels like a competition with her. I ignore and praise Jesus we don’t live near her.