Mil wants to be called Mama X

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Looks like lots of people here are ASSUMING that the MIL is horrible based on this one request. OP hasn't given us reason to believe that MIL is the kind of horrible MIL some have assumed she is.

So, OP, set the record straight. Is this request a one-off that you're just annoyed about? Or is MIL a monster?

Not OP. Go back and read the OP's initial post. This is just one in a long line of oversteps.
I would refer to her as Grandmama X to the baby, and let the baby decide when they eventually decide to talk.

The post from OP was on the first page, at 8:32.

[Anonymous]

Weird. I personally would just call her grandma X and I she says anything just say i forgot since it is confusing.

[Anonymous]

thats pretty weird

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Looks like lots of people here are ASSUMING that the MIL is horrible based on this one request. OP hasn't given us reason to believe that MIL is the kind of horrible MIL some have assumed she is.

So, OP, set the record straight. Is this request a one-off that you're just annoyed about? Or is MIL a monster?

Not OP. Go back and read the OP's initial post. This is just one in a long line of oversteps.
I would refer to her as Grandmama X to the baby, and let the baby decide when they eventually decide to talk.

Voice of reason here, again. "Overstep" assumes some very strict pecking order that will become less relevant as the child ages. And if this MIL is a wonderful loving grandmother, then that is the most important thing. Your child will NOT understand why you made her call her MIL something other than Mama X if that is what Mama X wanted. She will not care what insecurities you have or how long you waited to have kids. Those are all YOUR issues, not hers.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Looks like lots of people here are ASSUMING that the MIL is horrible based on this one request. OP hasn't given us reason to believe that MIL is the kind of horrible MIL some have assumed she is.

So, OP, set the record straight. Is this request a one-off that you're just annoyed about? Or is MIL a monster?

Not OP. Go back and read the OP's initial post. This is just one in a long line of oversteps.
I would refer to her as Grandmama X to the baby, and let the baby decide when they eventually decide to talk.

Voice of reason here, again. "Overstep" assumes some very strict pecking order that will become less relevant as the child ages. And if this MIL is a wonderful loving grandmother, then that is the most important thing. Your child will NOT understand why you made her call her MIL something other than Mama X if that is what Mama X wanted. She will not care what insecurities you have or how long you waited to have kids. Those are all YOUR issues, not hers.

If grandmother is still on the warpath about not being allowed to be called "Mama" for decades, then that's on her (and kind of proves her essential nature as a control freak).

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP:

Just to chime in, you will find life is long. I've finished raising my brood, and if I had to go back in time, I would be less reactive to things like this. As long as you don't feel your MIL is deliberately trying to undermine you, let her be called Mama X (I didn't read the whole thread, but was her grandma called Mama X too? That makes a difference).

The other thing is -- it is hard to think of this right now -- this baby really is not just yours. It is a person who will have his/her own relationships. And you will be thankful for all the people who love your child and are part of his/her loving community. So let your MIL love your child and be called what she wants to be called.

Just my two cents,

Older and wiser

You know what, it's absolutely possible to let a MIL love her grandchild and still set boundaries on ridiculous behavior and safety issues. I speak from experience here. In fact, I don't think the relationship I enjoy with my MIL today would be as good if we hadn't spoken up about some things.

In fact, PP, you're getting to the age of grandparenthood, it sounds like, so consider that your advice might be coming from your own feelings about that, rather than just hindsight.

The name situation doesn't even come anywhere close to a safety issue, which is why it's petty and OP WILL regret making this a big deal and will look like a controlling biotch over it.

Let me explain to you. The kind of grandmother who would dictate that she be called "Mama" and then put up a big fuss if the real Mama says no, is also the kind of grandmother who will put the baby to sleep on its stomach, put a blanket in the crib with the newborn because she feels "cold," harass the mom about breastfeeding too much/not breastfeeding, give continuous "advice" to a post-partum mother ... and so on.

I don't need you to explain anything to me. First off, MIL is not asking for the baby to call her ONLY Mama. Secondly, you're painting with a very broad brush assuming that because someone asked to be called a specific name as a grandmother that she'd also disregard safety measures. That's ridiculous.

It's not the simple asking, it's everything. First of all, yes, I do think that someone with a DIL who is not part of a particular culture where grandmothers are called "Mama X" should have realized beforehand that this was likely to be an upsetting request. Second of all, as OP indicated, this is one in a long line of boundary-crossing bossiness by the MIL. Many of us with those kinds of MILs can attest that this behavior spilled over to everything about childrearing, and that setting firm limits sooner rather than later was the best path towards a good relationship. Nobody should be scared of setting limits!

[Anonymous]

Can we be accurate here, at least? It's not "Mama" that the MIL is asking for; it's "Mama Barbara" or whatever her first name.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP here

Thanks for the replies. I know it's not the the most rational thing but it does bother me and I can see myself getting resentful towards her for it. She already has joked to take the kids from us at various points. Since we got married she would say things like, they can just live with me and they would probably be happier living with me than in a tiny big city apt, she asked if she could homeschool our kids and they can just live with her m-f. I've played nice. A lot. I'm just tired of always feeling like she is undermining me and crossing boundaries. It starts with mama X and then she will start using mama flat out.

My plan right now is just to refer to her as her initials to the kids.

This was OP's post. IMO, she is sensitive. There is nothing to suggest this MIL is mean spirited or competitive or anything like that. The fact that OP would call her MIL by her initials shows me that she is immature. For heaven's sake, if you have to call her grandma when she isn't around. Not something as outwardly aggressive as her initials.

Honestly, think of your own grandmother on your dad's side. How would you have felt if your mom called her J.G. or whatever? How much would it have altered your universe if you called her Mama Jean? Probably not too much. Your mom is your mom.

[Anonymous]

It's a long road until your child actually talks. I would call her Grandmama X, and let DH and whomever else (including herself) say whatever. If she tries to "correct" you, just smile and say, "There's only one Mama, and that's me. You can call yourself whatever, but I will be calling you Grandmama."

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Can we be accurate here, at least? It's not "Mama" that the MIL is asking for; it's "Mama Barbara" or whatever her first name.

That's still "mama."

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP here

Thanks for the replies. I know it's not the the most rational thing but it does bother me and I can see myself getting resentful towards her for it. She already has joked to take the kids from us at various points. Since we got married she would say things like, they can just live with me and they would probably be happier living with me than in a tiny big city apt, she asked if she could homeschool our kids and they can just live with her m-f. I've played nice. A lot. I'm just tired of always feeling like she is undermining me and crossing boundaries. It starts with mama X and then she will start using mama flat out.

My plan right now is just to refer to her as her initials to the kids.

This was OP's post. IMO, she is sensitive. There is nothing to suggest this MIL is mean spirited or competitive or anything like that. The fact that OP would call her MIL by her initials shows me that she is immature. For heaven's sake, if you have to call her grandma when she isn't around. Not something as outwardly aggressive as her initials.

Honestly, think of your own grandmother on your dad's side. How would you have felt if your mom called her J.G. or whatever? How much would it have altered your universe if you called her Mama Jean? Probably not too much. Your mom is your mom.

I think your husband should decide since it is his mother, and his baby too.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Can we be accurate here, at least? It's not "Mama" that the MIL is asking for; it's "Mama Barbara" or whatever her first name.

That's still "mama."

Oh, FFS. Maybe you and OP should get those sticks removed and you'll feel a lot better.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Can we be accurate here, at least? It's not "Mama" that the MIL is asking for; it's "Mama Barbara" or whatever her first name.

That's still "mama."

Oh, FFS. Maybe you and OP should get those sticks removed and you'll feel a lot better.

Sorry that women standing up for their reasonable desires makes you so uncomfortable.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Can we be accurate here, at least? It's not "Mama" that the MIL is asking for; it's "Mama Barbara" or whatever her first name.

That's still "mama."

Oh, FFS. Maybe you and OP should get those sticks removed and you'll feel a lot better.

Sorry that women standing up for their reasonable desires makes you so uncomfortable.

Good God, you're acting like OP's saving her child from a MIL who wants to do physical harm to her child. I'm still waiting for OP to let us know what other terrible things MIL has done that would suggest she's dangerous and chronically overstepping as opposed to a person who has fond memories of calling her own grandmother "Mama Y" and is excited to make similar memories with her own grandchild.

Let's be clear, though, that the subtext here is that OP (and DILs in general) should be treated with kid gloves, lest they withhold their children from MIL. That's just bitchy and uncalled for. Hopefully, though, we're raising our young men to stand up to their wives and their mothers when either overstep so that kind of crap stops.

[Anonymous]

I wouldn't agree to this request. It's annoying and out of line. Just refer to her as whatever you want and your child will likely do the same. And ask your husband if he would be cool with your dad teaching the child to call him Daddy J or whatever. I don't understand the people on here who seem to think that raising a child involves democratic decision-making by the entire extended family. It doesn't. The parents are the only people who get a vote.