Mil wants to be called Mama X

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:It seems to me that branching out from the traditional grandparent names like grandma and grandpa just causes more angst in the world than it’s worth. I would just fall back on grandma and if the baby ends up mangling the name in some cute way you can start using that, if that’s what grandma wants.

This is what we did. The kids didn't end up doing any real name mangling so they now have 2 "Grandmas". That has worked out o.k. but every now and again we'll run into a situation were a little distinction would be nice: "Grandma's on the phone!" "Cool. Which Grandma?" "The one in Anytown, USA"....

It's like having 2 kids in the classroom with the same name who have to go the entire year being called Beth S and Beth W.

[Anonymous]

My MIL also has a lot of quirks that annoy/displeases but i've come to rationalize this: at the end of the day, you and your child are going to very likely outlive her, so just let her be and her and hope your child has the best living memory of her. And that includes letting the small things go between you and her.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Hell no. Nor would I allow Papa for a Grandpa for the same reason, though that is much more common. Mama is for the mother not grandmother, whether your child calls you Mama or Mom or Mommy or whatever. But that's ridiculous that she would expect to be called Mama even with her name added.

Papa is not a name for dad. It is a name for grandpa.

Milkenials who want to age themselves with unkempt beards apparently also want to age themselves by using a grandpa name instead of calling themselves dad or daddy.

Not it isn't. You need to get out more, or learn a few languages.

[Anonymous]

My MIL tried something similar, insisting on calling herself Mama with my newborn while calling me by my first name, i.e. "Come to Mama" when referring to herself and "Go to Larla" when referring to me. Honestly, my reaction was... not great. I'd like to say it was postpartum hormones and MIL staying with us for weeks in our very small apartment right after I'd given birth but in reality, I think we would have had some issues no matter what once a child was involved because the "mama" stuff was just part of a much larger pattern of behavior.

She felt such... ownership? over DD right from the start and made it clear she hated that I was part of the package. MIL didn't want me holding the baby, hated that I was breastfeeding so she couldn't give the baby bottles for every feeding, she just wanted me to leave for the duration of her visit so she could have DD entirely to herself. I was walking on eggshells because I knew if I said anything, it wouldn't be a gentle conversation, it would be a "get the hell out of my home and never come back" so DH finally stepped in and got her to cool it.

She got a bit better after that but she still hates if I'm around when she visits or we visit her so I have to make myself scarce as much as possible. Which is counterproductive on her part because it means we visit her and invite her to visit us much less than we would otherwise.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Hell no. Nor would I allow Papa for a Grandpa for the same reason, though that is much more common. Mama is for the mother not grandmother, whether your child calls you Mama or Mom or Mommy or whatever. But that's ridiculous that she would expect to be called Mama even with her name added.

Papa is not a name for dad. It is a name for grandpa.

Milkenials who want to age themselves with unkempt beards apparently also want to age themselves by using a grandpa name instead of calling themselves dad or daddy.

Papa is literally defined as father in many languages, including English.

[Anonymous]

I get how annoying this is but I would let it go. It's all theoretical at this point and kids can evolve into using different words. To make a big deal about it makes you look small. FWIW, those "they'll live wiht me!" grandmas are acting out a fantasy and may be much less interested in an actual child, so just dismiss it. You are the mom regardless. Kids catch on.

[Anonymous]

OP here, I appreciate all the responses. It's helpful to hear the other side and those who agree help me feel less crazy. For the record, Im not afraid of my children mistaking her for their mama. It's more , I worked really hard and waited all long time to be able to be a mama. It's a silly title/name I don't feel like sharing. And honestly I'm ok with being a little selfish at this point in my life.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Oy. She sounds really annoying.

I would push back a little more on the absurd stuff—“what an absurd suggestion” etc.”

As for the name thing, teach your child from day one that “this is grandma! This is your grandma First name, she loves you so much!” etc. Just don’t play along, and make it clear to your DH that this matters to you—and that his mom is hurting your relationship with you by being so ridiculous. Remind him that she is using up your goodwill before the baby is even here.

On the flip side, OP will be using up her "outrage" on something trivial. Let the pissing match begin.

The bottom line is that a mom who's confident in her role as mom WILL NOT care about this.

This has nothing to do with confidence and everything to do with a clueless and overbearing MIL. My MIL told similar jokes and I was NOT pleased. It wnded up with strict limits being placed on her visits when the baby was a newborn because her boundary-crossing comments 1) aggravated at a time I did not need it; and 2) indicated that she would cross boundaries in other ways (ie not respecting our safety/parenting choices, like sleeo safety.)

This MIL needs to learn sooner rather than later that OP has limits. That will set them up for a good relationship where MIL knows her place ... as grandma, not mama.

[Anonymous]

OP:

Just to chime in, you will find life is long. I've finished raising my brood, and if I had to go back in time, I would be less reactive to things like this. As long as you don't feel your MIL is deliberately trying to undermine you, let her be called Mama X (I didn't read the whole thread, but was her grandma called Mama X too? That makes a difference).

The other thing is -- it is hard to think of this right now -- this baby really is not just yours. It is a person who will have his/her own relationships. And you will be thankful for all the people who love your child and are part of his/her loving community. So let your MIL love your child and be called what she wants to be called.

Just my two cents,

Older and wiser

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP:

Just to chime in, you will find life is long. I've finished raising my brood, and if I had to go back in time, I would be less reactive to things like this. As long as you don't feel your MIL is deliberately trying to undermine you, let her be called Mama X (I didn't read the whole thread, but was her grandma called Mama X too? That makes a difference).

The other thing is -- it is hard to think of this right now -- this baby really is not just yours. It is a person who will have his/her own relationships. And you will be thankful for all the people who love your child and are part of his/her loving community. So let your MIL love your child and be called what she wants to be called.

Just my two cents,

Older and wiser

Good advice.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Hell no. Nor would I allow Papa for a Grandpa for the same reason, though that is much more common. Mama is for the mother not grandmother, whether your child calls you Mama or Mom or Mommy or whatever. But that's ridiculous that she would expect to be called Mama even with her name added.

Papa is not a name for dad. It is a name for grandpa.

Milkenials who want to age themselves with unkempt beards apparently also want to age themselves by using a grandpa name instead of calling themselves dad or daddy.

Not it isn't. You need to get out more, or learn a few languages.

In this country papa (shortened version of grandPA) is a nickname for grandpa.

It is not a name used for dad or father until Ashton Kutcher started the trend with millenials.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Oy. She sounds really annoying.

I would push back a little more on the absurd stuff—“what an absurd suggestion” etc.”

As for the name thing, teach your child from day one that “this is grandma! This is your grandma First name, she loves you so much!” etc. Just don’t play along, and make it clear to your DH that this matters to you—and that his mom is hurting your relationship with you by being so ridiculous. Remind him that she is using up your goodwill before the baby is even here.

On the flip side, OP will be using up her "outrage" on something trivial. Let the pissing match begin.

The bottom line is that a mom who's confident in her role as mom WILL NOT care about this.

This has nothing to do with confidence and everything to do with a clueless and overbearing MIL. My MIL told similar jokes and I was NOT pleased. It wnded up with strict limits being placed on her visits when the baby was a newborn because her boundary-crossing comments 1) aggravated at a time I did not need it; and 2) indicated that she would cross boundaries in other ways (ie not respecting our safety/parenting choices, like sleeo safety.)

This MIL needs to learn sooner rather than later that OP has limits. That will set them up for a good relationship where MIL knows her place ... as grandma, not mama.

Someday you will have a DIL...

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Hell no. Nor would I allow Papa for a Grandpa for the same reason, though that is much more common. Mama is for the mother not grandmother, whether your child calls you Mama or Mom or Mommy or whatever. But that's ridiculous that she would expect to be called Mama even with her name added.

Papa is not a name for dad. It is a name for grandpa.

Milkenials who want to age themselves with unkempt beards apparently also want to age themselves by using a grandpa name instead of calling themselves dad or daddy.

Not it isn't. You need to get out more, or learn a few languages.

In this country papa (shortened version of grandPA) is a nickname for grandpa.

It is not a name used for dad or father until Ashton Kutcher started the trend with millenials.

You’re really ignorant. I wouldn’t flaunt that.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Oy. She sounds really annoying.

I would push back a little more on the absurd stuff—“what an absurd suggestion” etc.”

As for the name thing, teach your child from day one that “this is grandma! This is your grandma First name, she loves you so much!” etc. Just don’t play along, and make it clear to your DH that this matters to you—and that his mom is hurting your relationship with you by being so ridiculous. Remind him that she is using up your goodwill before the baby is even here.

On the flip side, OP will be using up her "outrage" on something trivial. Let the pissing match begin.

The bottom line is that a mom who's confident in her role as mom WILL NOT care about this.

This has nothing to do with confidence and everything to do with a clueless and overbearing MIL. My MIL told similar jokes and I was NOT pleased. It wnded up with strict limits being placed on her visits when the baby was a newborn because her boundary-crossing comments 1) aggravated at a time I did not need it; and 2) indicated that she would cross boundaries in other ways (ie not respecting our safety/parenting choices, like sleeo safety.)

This MIL needs to learn sooner rather than later that OP has limits. That will set them up for a good relationship where MIL knows her place ... as grandma, not mama.

Someday you will have a DIL...

And I hope if I have a DIL, she can be open with me if I'm crossing her boundaries, particularly when what she needs is emotional support at a hard time in her life, and not to be emotionally supporting someone else.

Clarifying my boundaries with my MIL, by the way, was the ONLY way our relationship could grow in a healthy way. If I continued to let her make her inappropriate comments and invasions, then our relationship would have totally fallen apart. The good thing about her is that she values her relationship with her grandkids and me, so she listened and changed. She has many good qualities, but she's also clueless and overbearing. Standing up for yourself, and trusting that the other person will listen and change, is actually a HUGE component of healthy relationships, and it showed me that her cluelessness and overbearingness were only ONE part of her personality. And I'm actually lucky that my doctor SIL did a lot of this work in advance for me, for example, schooling her on back-to-sleep so I only had to put up a small amount of fuss about it.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP:

Just to chime in, you will find life is long. I've finished raising my brood, and if I had to go back in time, I would be less reactive to things like this. As long as you don't feel your MIL is deliberately trying to undermine you, let her be called Mama X (I didn't read the whole thread, but was her grandma called Mama X too? That makes a difference).

The other thing is -- it is hard to think of this right now -- this baby really is not just yours. It is a person who will have his/her own relationships. And you will be thankful for all the people who love your child and are part of his/her loving community. So let your MIL love your child and be called what she wants to be called.

Just my two cents,

Older and wiser

Good advice.

Bad advice. Being a doormat is not good for anyone's relationship with anyone else. Pettiness is bad, but not wanting someone else to be "Mama" to your child is hardly petty.