Should guests dictate when they will come for the holidays (or ever)?

[Anonymous]

Orthodox Christmas:
http://www.telegraph.co.uk/news/worldnews/europe/russia/11329660/Where-is-Christmas-being-celebrated-on-January-7.html

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:There is a valid reason that you’ seem to be overlooking, OP — finances. You said your brother will be a only a 3.5 hour drive away instead of the usual 8 hours from your house this year. He was probably thinking it would save him time and money to drive to your house and then drive the 8 hours back home vs. what flying over the holidays would cost him and his family.

Although you complain that he’s being domineering, you’re also being bossy right back. He’s going to be so close to your house, yet you’re insisting that he go home first, then spend his money on airfare to come back. He’ll miss seeing his parents, miss out on the family holiday, his sister doesn’t care, and you really can’t understand why he’s upset?

Don’t be surprised if he’s less than welcoming to you and your family next Easter.

My brother is loaded. Beyond loaded. Finances are not an issue. He can buy a house outright. In cash.

I did not insist he go home and fly back. I suggested he choose another weekend to come. Even the following weekend when my parents are still here. He is choosing not to come (because in my opinion, he really does not want to).

What you suggested is essentially the same thing as far as your brother was concerned. If money is no object for him then maybe you could have recommended a nice hotel for him to stay at instead and meeting up for dinner one day.

But then, how patriarchal is your religion and your family? Maybe it’s just that the men expect to be the heads of households and make the important decisions, and your brother doesn’t appreciate your telling him what to do and how to spend his money.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP I wouldn’t want someone coming to visit on January 2nd either. Starting work/school back up, having guests in the house when we’re not there etc - surprised they even want to come when you have to work a week.

That being said, your note to him was ridiculous. You should’ve just given him a few sets of dates that work. Not “you can leave at precisely 5pm on Saturday” for example.

Control issues on both sides.

I think she was just trying to point out to her brother that there are some options that will work with his time constraints.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP I wouldn’t want someone coming to visit on January 2nd either. Starting work/school back up, having guests in the house when we’re not there etc - surprised they even want to come when you have to work a week.

That being said, your note to him was ridiculous. You should’ve just given him a few sets of dates that work. Not “you can leave at precisely 5pm on Saturday” for example.

Control issues on both sides.

I think she was just trying to point out to her brother that there are some options that will work with his time constraints.

OP here: yes, exactly. I was providing an example of how it could work where he could still come and get home well before Monday. (We usually have Christmas Eve dinner at night...I said I could move it to lunch to accommodate)

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Put your foot down OP and do what’s best for your own family. Speaking from experience with a similar brother, it will just get worse if you let it. It’s OK to say No to him. He’s an adult and should be able to deal with it - or stay in a hotel if it’s not convenient to stay with you.

I agree with this.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Do you actually know if your brother called to complain to your father? Because your Dad may have asked him what his plans were for the holidays and he may have told your Dad what was going on as an explanantion, not a complaint. Dad, in response, and of his own volition, may have taken on his Dad role again and tried to get you back in line.

If you don’t like hosting your brother, or the holidays for your family, you need to bring it up in the summer and tell your family it’s a problem for you. And then the whole family needs to come up with new ideas and choose one that works for everyone, or decide together to discontinue the extended family celebration. Don’t wait until the last minute and then blow up the family tradition or you will be considered the difficult one.

It would have been wiser to have taken the family holiday celebration and your daughter’s delicate temperament into consideration when you were making your long vacation plans. Not sure why you’re so surprised by it all now.

Yes because my dad called me and yelled at me and then hung up on me. Everyone has known for months that my parents are visiting Jan. 4-14. We always have Christmas at my house. This is not new. No one has ever come before Jan. 5. Ever. We have the same vacation schedule every year for almost a decade.

If you and your family have been celebrating Christmas after Jan 5 for the past decade, it is weird for your brother to be insisting that you host him and his family on Jan 2nd.

However, I would, personally, not want to be celebrating Christmas 2 weeks after the fact. You spend the whole month of December going to holiday parties, performances, etc. You've had your house decorated since shortly after Thanksgiving. You've been listening to Christmas music, baking cookies, drinking eggnog for weeks. It's a fun, festive magical time but after January 1, I'm ready to put Christmas stuff away and start enjoying a fresh start to the New Year. Break is over, everyone goes back to school and work....

Then a week later, you want everyone to shift gears and get back into Christmas mode....ugh. Maybe this is what your brother is trying to say?

You don't seem to understand. We celebrate Christmas on January 7 like millions of other Orthodox Christians around the world (Russians, Serbians, etc.). Some Orthodox churches in the US changed to Dec 25 maybe 50 years ago but many have not. This is not weird or odd to us. We have done this our entire lives.

I think that your brother might be saying that he wants to do this earlier.

[Anonymous]

I have dealt with this from my sister. Not just holidays but other family functions as well. I am not the only person she does this with either. I am sure your brother is the same. She has some sort of entitlement complex. I stopped being a doormat long ago and the rest of the family eventually followed suit. Our first blow up happened over TG a few years back. I also got the my family and I are not coming. I told her she would be missed and hoped to see her at Christmas. Guess what she and her family did end up coming for TG but they stayed in a hotel and they have ever since. If anything this has improved our relationship because there is no longer so much resentment. Our parents and other siblings have implemented the same firm boundaries with her as well. Since we have been doing this there has been 90% peace and harmony at family functions. Being a doormat does not do ANYONE any favors.

[Anonymous]

It is much more important to keep your own family happy than your brother’s family. Tell him it does not work for you at this time and give NO excuses. It is your house. Tell him no, no, and no. Make a date for later in year after holidays. His complaining to your Dad sounds like major flaw! Tell your Dad, mind his own business. Do not back down! If you do it this time, you will let him run over your forever. You need peace after your trip. Be strong!

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:If you all really wanted to spend time together, you would be okay with your brother coming when his schedule allows, and your brother would be okay compromising on the dates. But you planning it around your child's temper tantrums is not cool.

You sound insufferable and if I was your brother, I would save my vacation and $$ to visit other family or friends

Wow not "insufferable", lol

[Anonymous]

Sounds like you already have the issue resolved - if not in the way you hoped.

Just wanted to chime in and say - it's really not about this holiday, your daughter or your traveling plans. As stated, this is a long standing issue with your brother that has festered into resentment.

if you really want to address something - address the issue instead of making ridiculous drawn out excuses for what is really bothering you. Tell him how you feel - and get that burden off your chest. He either receives it or not, but being passive aggressive and using your six year old as an excuse is lame.