Should guests dictate when they will come for the holidays (or ever)?

[Anonymous]

OP, you are too paranoid about missing school. Your child is six. They do not care as long as you let them know. No one is going to make you explain it. You are way overthinking this. We have pulled our kid from school (8) for a week so far and will do it another 3-4 days to go on work trips with Dad. May do a real vacation too. Seriously, no one cares as long as your child is doing ok in school.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP, you are too paranoid about missing school. Your child is six. They do not care as long as you let them know. No one is going to make you explain it. You are way overthinking this. We have pulled our kid from school (8) for a week so far and will do it another 3-4 days to go on work trips with Dad. May do a real vacation too. Seriously, no one cares as long as your child is doing ok in school.

OP here: That is a secondary concern. The main concern is dictating plans, which has been a pattern. If they cared about coming, which they have known for months, they would have already told me they could not come months ago or they would have confirmed plans to come several weeks ago (not pulling crap at the last minute when there is no valid reason of why they can't be here on a weekend day...that is ludicrous.)

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP, you are too paranoid about missing school. Your child is six. They do not care as long as you let them know. No one is going to make you explain it. You are way overthinking this. We have pulled our kid from school (8) for a week so far and will do it another 3-4 days to go on work trips with Dad. May do a real vacation too. Seriously, no one cares as long as your child is doing ok in school.

OP here: That is a secondary concern. The main concern is dictating plans, which has been a pattern. If they cared about coming, which they have known for months, they would have already told me they could not come months ago or they would have confirmed plans to come several weeks ago (not pulling crap at the last minute when there is no valid reason of why they can't be here on a weekend day...that is ludicrous.)

You both are dictating plans. Not everyone plans months in advance. Maybe something else is going on you don't know about. Why can't you be a bit flexible when they are coming to you? We always have people come when its good for them. I don't recall even being asked.

[Anonymous]

There is a valid reason that you’ seem to be overlooking, OP — finances. You said your brother will be a only a 3.5 hour drive away instead of the usual 8 hours from your house this year. He was probably thinking it would save him time and money to drive to your house and then drive the 8 hours back home vs. what flying over the holidays would cost him and his family.

Although you complain that he’s being domineering, you’re also being bossy right back. He’s going to be so close to your house, yet you’re insisting that he go home first, then spend his money on airfare to come back. He’ll miss seeing his parents, miss out on the family holiday, his sister doesn’t care, and you really can’t understand why he’s upset?

Don’t be surprised if he’s less than welcoming to you and your family next Easter.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Good lord:

"I'm sorry but January 2 is not a good day for us. We will be coming back from a long trip January 1 and need a couple of days to recover.

We'd be delighted to see you starting January 3. We hope you can stay for the January 7 festivities."

End of email. OP, your reasoning is as stupid as your brother's if not 100x worse. Don't engage with his games. Just be polite and don't let him ask you for things you don't want to provide. If it's not a good day to host, don't host him. If he wants to miss xmas for work, his loss.

+1

OP, you need to learn the art of being concise. Your response to your brother sounded crazy and would have pissed off anyone.

[Anonymous]

Your daughter sounds spoiled

[Anonymous]

OP, stop saying it is because of your daughter that you don't want your brother around, it's a fake and lame excuse. Your daughter will be perfectly fine seeing him only after school.

But I agree that YOU should pick when someone visits and not the contrary, this is rude from anyone. You have to put your foot down once and for all. It won't be well received but you don't care. You get to decide what suits you.

[Anonymous]

You took a stand. Don't be surprised or upset when Easter is celebrated on Friday this year because that is what works for your brother. The face that you have regular Xmas plans doesn't trump what anyone else can plan ever. You are both unreasonable and petty so holidays should be quite fun going forward.

[Anonymous]

Put your foot down OP and do what’s best for your own family. Speaking from experience with a similar brother, it will just get worse if you let it. It’s OK to say No to him. He’s an adult and should be able to deal with it - or stay in a hotel if it’s not convenient to stay with you.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Do you actually know if your brother called to complain to your father? Because your Dad may have asked him what his plans were for the holidays and he may have told your Dad what was going on as an explanantion, not a complaint. Dad, in response, and of his own volition, may have taken on his Dad role again and tried to get you back in line.

If you don’t like hosting your brother, or the holidays for your family, you need to bring it up in the summer and tell your family it’s a problem for you. And then the whole family needs to come up with new ideas and choose one that works for everyone, or decide together to discontinue the extended family celebration. Don’t wait until the last minute and then blow up the family tradition or you will be considered the difficult one.

It would have been wiser to have taken the family holiday celebration and your daughter’s delicate temperament into consideration when you were making your long vacation plans. Not sure why you’re so surprised by it all now.

Yes because my dad called me and yelled at me and then hung up on me. Everyone has known for months that my parents are visiting Jan. 4-14. We always have Christmas at my house. This is not new. No one has ever come before Jan. 5. Ever. We have the same vacation schedule every year for almost a decade.

If you and your family have been celebrating Christmas after Jan 5 for the past decade, it is weird for your brother to be insisting that you host him and his family on Jan 2nd.

However, I would, personally, not want to be celebrating Christmas 2 weeks after the fact. You spend the whole month of December going to holiday parties, performances, etc. You've had your house decorated since shortly after Thanksgiving. You've been listening to Christmas music, baking cookies, drinking eggnog for weeks. It's a fun, festive magical time but after January 1, I'm ready to put Christmas stuff away and start enjoying a fresh start to the New Year. Break is over, everyone goes back to school and work....

Then a week later, you want everyone to shift gears and get back into Christmas mode....ugh. Maybe this is what your brother is trying to say?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:You took a stand. Don't be surprised or upset when Easter is celebrated on Friday this year because that is what works for your brother. The face that you have regular Xmas plans doesn't trump what anyone else can plan ever. You are both unreasonable and petty so holidays should be quite fun going forward.

Maybe he'll decide to celebrate Easter on Memorial Day weekend....

[Anonymous]

Yes, if you get 100% control of Xmas and when to celebrate, you can not come here and complain in 3 months when you mean brother wants to celebrate Easter during a time that won't work for you and then complain how unaccommodating to guests he is and how upset your daughter is that Easter isn't celebrated exactly when you want.

You get what you give in this life and you are about to get yours.
Hope taking this stand was worth it.

For what it is worth, i think this entire thing should have been handled differently by you and your brother and the dates/times should have been set far sooner than a week ago. You need to sit down as a family and solidify plans for next year around Memorial day so everyone knows and can plan. Same goes for Easter.

AS family needs change I hate when some family are like "but we never did this before". Well, that's life isn't it. You discuss and move forward as adults by compromising not digging your feet in.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:There is a valid reason that you’ seem to be overlooking, OP — finances. You said your brother will be a only a 3.5 hour drive away instead of the usual 8 hours from your house this year. He was probably thinking it would save him time and money to drive to your house and then drive the 8 hours back home vs. what flying over the holidays would cost him and his family.

Although you complain that he’s being domineering, you’re also being bossy right back. He’s going to be so close to your house, yet you’re insisting that he go home first, then spend his money on airfare to come back. He’ll miss seeing his parents, miss out on the family holiday, his sister doesn’t care, and you really can’t understand why he’s upset?

Don’t be surprised if he’s less than welcoming to you and your family next Easter.

My brother is loaded. Beyond loaded. Finances are not an issue. He can buy a house outright. In cash.

I did not insist he go home and fly back. I suggested he choose another weekend to come. Even the following weekend when my parents are still here. He is choosing not to come (because in my opinion, he really does not want to).

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Do you actually know if your brother called to complain to your father? Because your Dad may have asked him what his plans were for the holidays and he may have told your Dad what was going on as an explanantion, not a complaint. Dad, in response, and of his own volition, may have taken on his Dad role again and tried to get you back in line.

If you don’t like hosting your brother, or the holidays for your family, you need to bring it up in the summer and tell your family it’s a problem for you. And then the whole family needs to come up with new ideas and choose one that works for everyone, or decide together to discontinue the extended family celebration. Don’t wait until the last minute and then blow up the family tradition or you will be considered the difficult one.

It would have been wiser to have taken the family holiday celebration and your daughter’s delicate temperament into consideration when you were making your long vacation plans. Not sure why you’re so surprised by it all now.

Yes because my dad called me and yelled at me and then hung up on me. Everyone has known for months that my parents are visiting Jan. 4-14. We always have Christmas at my house. This is not new. No one has ever come before Jan. 5. Ever. We have the same vacation schedule every year for almost a decade.

If you and your family have been celebrating Christmas after Jan 5 for the past decade, it is weird for your brother to be insisting that you host him and his family on Jan 2nd.

However, I would, personally, not want to be celebrating Christmas 2 weeks after the fact. You spend the whole month of December going to holiday parties, performances, etc. You've had your house decorated since shortly after Thanksgiving. You've been listening to Christmas music, baking cookies, drinking eggnog for weeks. It's a fun, festive magical time but after January 1, I'm ready to put Christmas stuff away and start enjoying a fresh start to the New Year. Break is over, everyone goes back to school and work....

Then a week later, you want everyone to shift gears and get back into Christmas mode....ugh. Maybe this is what your brother is trying to say?

You don't seem to understand. We celebrate Christmas on January 7 like millions of other Orthodox Christians around the world (Russians, Serbians, etc.). Some Orthodox churches in the US changed to Dec 25 maybe 50 years ago but many have not. This is not weird or odd to us. We have done this our entire lives.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Yes, if you get 100% control of Xmas and when to celebrate, you can not come here and complain in 3 months when you mean brother wants to celebrate Easter during a time that won't work for you and then complain how unaccommodating to guests he is and how upset your daughter is that Easter isn't celebrated exactly when you want.

You get what you give in this life and you are about to get yours.
Hope taking this stand was worth it.

For what it is worth, i think this entire thing should have been handled differently by you and your brother and the dates/times should have been set far sooner than a week ago. You need to sit down as a family and solidify plans for next year around Memorial day so everyone knows and can plan. Same goes for Easter.

AS family needs change I hate when some family are like "but we never did this before". Well, that's life isn't it. You discuss and move forward as adults by compromising not digging your feet in.

We discussed this in August. Him pulling this crap at the last minute.