Should guests dictate when they will come for the holidays (or ever)?

[Anonymous]

So my family celebrates Christmas twice (Dec. 25) and Jan. 7 (Eastern Orthodox).

My brother has informed me that he can’t come on for Christmas (Jan. 7) because he has a Monday morning meeting. But he is taking two weeks off before that.

He called me and told me he can’t come for Christmas due to his Monday meeting and he already took two weeks off for vacation. He said he wants to come on January 2 and leave Saturday morning (he lives 8 hours away).

I told him that we don’t want him coming on Jan. 2 and leaving right before Christmas on Saturday. The reason is because we are getting back from a huge drive ourselves on Jan. 1, and school starts on Jan. 2 for my 6-year-old. She would be extremely upset if she had to go to school and only see my brother and his family after school in the evenings and then have them leave on her day off from school [on Saturday--Christmas Eve). She would be crying on these days. I think it is unfair to put her through that to accommodate my brother’s request (it is really that he will be 3.5 hours from us and prefers to drive here than drive home and then fly here).

I don’t think it is unreasonable to say “just come another time, come on a weekend or a school vacation.” And that is what I told him. I also told him he could come down the following long weekend. Or he could still come, but come Jan. 4 and leave on Sunday instead of Saturday. I also gave him a list of long weekend and the school vacation schedule.

What does he do? Sends me a nasty email ignoring my request and asking again to come on Jan. 2. Then he calls my dad, who then gets into an argument with me than I just should let him come whenever he wants and it does not matter than my daughter would be upset that she can’t spend much time with him and that he is leaving on her day off and before Christmas for us. (I also have a younger daughter in preschool but that is less of my concern.)

I don’t think I am wrong here to say that we would love for you to come, but we need you to come on a long weekend, not in the beginning of a week when we are getting back from a long trip ourselves and we are back in school. That is what I said and my brother is irate.
Who is wrong here? Me or him?

[Anonymous]

I think you should encourage your daughter to be a little more resilient. If this kind of minor inconvenience causes her to be that upset, she is going to have a very tough time in life. You may want to look into counseling to improve her coping skills.

[Anonymous]

I think you are ok in saying when it is appropriate for your brother to visit. It is in between two holidays and that isn't fair. However, the daughter excuse is lame.

[Anonymous]

Guests don't dictate when they come. They come when they are invited. That said, I think the daughter excuse is a bit odd.

[Anonymous]

Both parties compare their availabilities and the visit occurs during the overlap.

[Anonymous]

What is wrong with your 6yo, if you are not making up stuff about her.

[Anonymous]

If you all really wanted to spend time together, you would be okay with your brother coming when his schedule allows, and your brother would be okay compromising on the dates. But you planning it around your child's temper tantrums is not cool.

You sound insufferable and if I was your brother, I would save my vacation and $$ to visit other family or friends

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Guests don't dictate when they come. They come when they are invited. That said, I think the daughter excuse is a bit odd.

I agree with this. And if she is 6, I don't think it's unreasonable to keep her home from school one day so that she can spend the time with family.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Guests don't dictate when they come. They come when they are invited. That said, I think the daughter excuse is a bit odd.

This. Your brother is wrong to insist, but your reasoning is stupid. And like another PP, I suspect that if you really wanted to see your brother and his family, you'd feel more accommodating.

[Anonymous]

OP here: I want to clarify something.

This is a pattern. My brother is always trying to dictate terms of when and how we see each other. Always. Everything has to be for his family's convenience, and I am always the one bending and compromising. He never does.

My daughter would not have temper tantrums. She would be sad though. I think it is unfair to have her be sad for multiple days in a row to accommodate him.

Also, my DH does not want people here during the work week just getting back from a long trip, which I agree with (he has to work, kids have school/preschool), and I don't think I should be okay having them here and leaving right before Xmas when they could have flown down on Thurs and left on Sunday morning, if they had planned in advance. Weeks ago, he just said he was not coming for Christmas even though it was a weekend. I thought it was a non-issue, and now he is trying to bully his way into plans that are convenient for his family and not for mine. This has happened for years, and frankly, I am sick of it.

(I can't keep her home from school...if you miss 5 days of school, you have to meet with a truancy officer. she has already missed one day this year due to illness. she will miss 2 days in the spring because she is in a wedding for another family member out of state. I can afford for her to miss any days of school.)

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP here: I want to clarify something.

This is a pattern. My brother is always trying to dictate terms of when and how we see each other. Always. Everything has to be for his family's convenience, and I am always the one bending and compromising. He never does.

My daughter would not have temper tantrums. She would be sad though. I think it is unfair to have her be sad for multiple days in a row to accommodate him.

Also, my DH does not want people here during the work week just getting back from a long trip, which I agree with (he has to work, kids have school/preschool), and I don't think I should be okay having them here and leaving right before Xmas when they could have flown down on Thurs and left on Sunday morning, if they had planned in advance. Weeks ago, he just said he was not coming for Christmas even though it was a weekend. I thought it was a non-issue, and now he is trying to bully his way into plans that are convenient for his family and not for mine. This has happened for years, and frankly, I am sick of it.

(I can't keep her home from school...if you miss 5 days of school, you have to meet with a truancy officer. she has already missed one day this year due to illness. she will miss 2 days in the spring because she is in a wedding for another family member out of state. I can afford for her to miss any days of school.)

First of all, that truancy excuse is bunk. I guarantee that you will not be speak to a truancy officer because your daughter was sick (so, excused) and then had 3 days of family obligations. She's six.

Second, it sounds like your brother wants to see you. That's a good thing. Have you ever gone to see him and his family, or is the traveling always on his end? I ask because if the burden of traveling is always on him, then I think you have to be more lenient. And even if not, be more lenient anyway.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP here: I want to clarify something.

This is a pattern. My brother is always trying to dictate terms of when and how we see each other. Always. Everything has to be for his family's convenience, and I am always the one bending and compromising. He never does.

My daughter would not have temper tantrums. She would be sad though. I think it is unfair to have her be sad for multiple days in a row to accommodate him.

Also, my DH does not want people here during the work week just getting back from a long trip, which I agree with (he has to work, kids have school/preschool), and I don't think I should be okay having them here and leaving right before Xmas when they could have flown down on Thurs and left on Sunday morning, if they had planned in advance. Weeks ago, he just said he was not coming for Christmas even though it was a weekend. I thought it was a non-issue, and now he is trying to bully his way into plans that are convenient for his family and not for mine. This has happened for years, and frankly, I am sick of it.

(I can't keep her home from school...if you miss 5 days of school, you have to meet with a truancy officer. she has already missed one day this year due to illness. she will miss 2 days in the spring because she is in a wedding for another family member out of state. I can afford for her to miss any days of school.)

First of all, that truancy excuse is bunk. I guarantee that you will not be speak to a truancy officer because your daughter was sick (so, excused) and then had 3 days of family obligations. She's six.

Second, it sounds like your brother wants to see you. That's a good thing. Have you ever gone to see him and his family, or is the traveling always on his end? I ask because if the burden of traveling is always on him, then I think you have to be more lenient. And even if not, be more lenient anyway.

OP here: I am the one who is usually accommodating him, which means, I am the one who normally travels there. The burden is usually on me. We lived next to each other for 18 months and it was a disaster (I could not go in the house if his two year old was asleep and that kind of nonsense). I had no such barriers to him visiting. Before that, I lived further away, and I did more traveling than he did for years.

[Anonymous]

I agree that you have to be lenient when it is your family that is traveling to see you. I can't imagine not accommodating my family under those circumstances.

[Anonymous]

Your brother is being a jerk. It's bad enough that he is being pushy and not taking no for an answer about Jan 2nd - even though you told him that was not going to work for you.....but to go behind your back and complain to your dad about it!? Good grief.

Maybe your dad can host your brother and his family?

[Anonymous]

A: Here are the days when I can come.
B: And here are the dates when I can host.
And then you both come to an agreement.

The only time a guest can make a scene is when there are life-and-death issues such as allergies at stake.