Should guests dictate when they will come for the holidays (or ever)?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP I wouldn’t want someone coming to visit on January 2nd either. Starting work/school back up, having guests in the house when we’re not there etc - surprised they even want to come when you have to work a week.

That being said, your note to him was ridiculous. You should’ve just given him a few sets of dates that work. Not “you can leave at precisely 5pm on Saturday” for example.

Control issues on both sides.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I agree that you have to be lenient when it is your family that is traveling to see you. I can't imagine not accommodating my family under those circumstances.

+1.

Even if you feel differently, I really think you should keep your daughter out of what is obviously a long simmering issue between you and your brother.

[Anonymous]

You both sound ridiculously stubborn and inflexible.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP I wouldn’t want someone coming to visit on January 2nd either. Starting work/school back up, having guests in the house when we’re not there etc - surprised they even want to come when you have to work a week.

That being said, your note to him was ridiculous. You should’ve just given him a few sets of dates that work. Not “you can leave at precisely 5pm on Saturday” for example.

+1 -- okay to say Jan 2 won't work because you're just getting back into town, but it seems weird to dictate that he can't leave when he wants to. Especially if he wants to get back home before Sunday since his family's normal routine starts back up on that Monday.

[Anonymous]

OP, when are your parents arriving?

It really is so simple to say: We can host you the nights of January 4-8 or recommend a hotel if it works better for you to come earlier.

Our plan is to have Christmas Eve dinner at 5pm on Saturday. We'd love to have you join us, but understand if it doesn't work for your schedule this year.

The family visit is about being together with your family. The holiday celebration is ancillary. I agree with the other posters saying that your need to control the situation is taking the place of being rational. There are ways to deal with your brother (who, indeed, sounds difficult), but your way just makes him escalate.

[Anonymous]

Do you actually know if your brother called to complain to your father? Because your Dad may have asked him what his plans were for the holidays and he may have told your Dad what was going on as an explanantion, not a complaint. Dad, in response, and of his own volition, may have taken on his Dad role again and tried to get you back in line.

If you don’t like hosting your brother, or the holidays for your family, you need to bring it up in the summer and tell your family it’s a problem for you. And then the whole family needs to come up with new ideas and choose one that works for everyone, or decide together to discontinue the extended family celebration. Don’t wait until the last minute and then blow up the family tradition or you will be considered the difficult one.

It would have been wiser to have taken the family holiday celebration and your daughter’s delicate temperament into consideration when you were making your long vacation plans. Not sure why you’re so surprised by it all now.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP I wouldn’t want someone coming to visit on January 2nd either. Starting work/school back up, having guests in the house when we’re not there etc - surprised they even want to come when you have to work a week.

That being said, your note to him was ridiculous. You should’ve just given him a few sets of dates that work. Not “you can leave at precisely 5pm on Saturday” for example.

+1 -- okay to say Jan 2 won't work because you're just getting back into town, but it seems weird to dictate that he can't leave when he wants to. Especially if he wants to get back home before Sunday since his family's normal routine starts back up on that Monday.

Oh, yes, but she can't get back into her family's normal routine on Jan 2? I agree don't dictate the leaving, but his selfishness is insane too.

[Anonymous]

OP, you sound insane. You can't tell someone they have to stay when they said they couldn't. And, your poor child! I don't know whether you are scapegoating her or if she has undiagnosed issues. But, either way, you are causing permanent damage.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:When you have a pattern of letting your brother/parents dictate when they come and go based on what works best for their schedules, unfortunately, they are going to lose it when you finally do put your foot down. You are being completely reasonable given your schedule. I agree w/pp that you don't need to give any more explanation. Your brother has a number of options. If he chooses to whine and complain and stamp his feet and then "punish" you by not coming at all, that's all on him.

OP here- thanks, this makes me feel better. We have a tradition of always doing Christmas at our house and Easter at his. And this year it is on a Sunday. If Christmas is on a Friday or a weekend, we always do it (other years we have skipped if it is on a Wed. or something--then it is too hard). We spoke about this in August and he was noncommittal. I personally think they never wanted to come, but did not want to tell me. Conveniently, they took two weeks off before our Christmas and never said they were not coming until last week and then said, yeah, we can come Jan. 2-4 but we are not staying any of the weekend. There is no reason they can't come and leave on Saturday. None. There is a pattern of doing this every time we get together (they hijack family plans to the way they want to do it...it is old.) I have to just think of it as their loss that they don't want to come when they would be back in time on late Saturday so there is no missed Monday meeting.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Do you actually know if your brother called to complain to your father? Because your Dad may have asked him what his plans were for the holidays and he may have told your Dad what was going on as an explanantion, not a complaint. Dad, in response, and of his own volition, may have taken on his Dad role again and tried to get you back in line.

If you don’t like hosting your brother, or the holidays for your family, you need to bring it up in the summer and tell your family it’s a problem for you. And then the whole family needs to come up with new ideas and choose one that works for everyone, or decide together to discontinue the extended family celebration. Don’t wait until the last minute and then blow up the family tradition or you will be considered the difficult one.

It would have been wiser to have taken the family holiday celebration and your daughter’s delicate temperament into consideration when you were making your long vacation plans. Not sure why you’re so surprised by it all now.

Yes because my dad called me and yelled at me and then hung up on me. Everyone has known for months that my parents are visiting Jan. 4-14. We always have Christmas at my house. This is not new. No one has ever come before Jan. 5. Ever. We have the same vacation schedule every year for almost a decade.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP, when are your parents arriving?

It really is so simple to say: We can host you the nights of January 4-8 or recommend a hotel if it works better for you to come earlier.

Our plan is to have Christmas Eve dinner at 5pm on Saturday. We'd love to have you join us, but understand if it doesn't work for your schedule this year.

The family visit is about being together with your family. The holiday celebration is ancillary. I agree with the other posters saying that your need to control the situation is taking the place of being rational. There are ways to deal with your brother (who, indeed, sounds difficult), but your way just makes him escalate.

My parents are coming Jan. 4. Everyone has known this for months.

[Anonymous]

Good lord:

"I'm sorry but January 2 is not a good day for us. We will be coming back from a long trip January 1 and need a couple of days to recover.

We'd be delighted to see you starting January 3. We hope you can stay for the January 7 festivities."

End of email. OP, your reasoning is as stupid as your brother's if not 100x worse. Don't engage with his games. Just be polite and don't let him ask you for things you don't want to provide. If it's not a good day to host, don't host him. If he wants to miss xmas for work, his loss.

[Anonymous]

You may be technically right here, OP, but that’s not your only problem. Your new problem is how you’re going to host your parents for your traditional Christmas celebration when your father is upset that your brother can’t come.

It really just comes down to how much you value having your whole family together to celebrate the holiday and being willing to be flexible with the arrivals and departures to make it happen for everyone. If the circumstances were reversed, you’d probably like your brother to be willing to accommodate you.

But you’ve taken your stand, as you have every right to do, but now you also have to accept the fall out.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:When you have a pattern of letting your brother/parents dictate when they come and go based on what works best for their schedules, unfortunately, they are going to lose it when you finally do put your foot down. You are being completely reasonable given your schedule. I agree w/pp that you don't need to give any more explanation. Your brother has a number of options. If he chooses to whine and complain and stamp his feet and then "punish" you by not coming at all, that's all on him.

OP here- thanks, this makes me feel better. We have a tradition of always doing Christmas at our house and Easter at his. And this year it is on a Sunday. If Christmas is on a Friday or a weekend, we always do it (other years we have skipped if it is on a Wed. or something--then it is too hard). We spoke about this in August and he was noncommittal. I personally think they never wanted to come, but did not want to tell me. Conveniently, they took two weeks off before our Christmas and never said they were not coming until last week and then said, yeah, we can come Jan. 2-4 but we are not staying any of the weekend. There is no reason they can't come and leave on Saturday. None. There is a pattern of doing this every time we get together (they hijack family plans to the way they want to do it...it is old.) I have to just think of it as their loss that they don't want to come when they would be back in time on late Saturday so there is no missed Monday meeting.

Hang in there. It is their loss.

[Anonymous]

OP, he couldn't go that week for what ever reason. You really don't want to see him and that is the real issue or you'd find a way to make it work.